Would you expect your DH to ask how you were feeling in this situation?

[Bombinia]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but I think if I raise it with DH he will think I am "getting at him".

Background is my mum has been really ill, in ITU before Christmas and we nearly lost her due to an infection which turn led to sepsis and a massive heart attack.

She's now home but we were told another infection could be fatal as they now have a DNR on her due to her weakened heart.

She has developed an infection and is on ABs at home (I think she should be on IV ABs in hospital but that's another story).

I told DH and he just listened quietly and didn't say anything (this is quite normal for him, he says he needs time to process things but he then never comes back and says anything. I feel like I'm talking to a wall).

That was yesterday. I thought maybe this morning he might ask me how I'm feeling about it but he hasn't said anything.

Would you expect your DH to?

I'm really upset and worried about my mum, because it's very likely this could kill her, and I would like my husband to ask me how I'm feeling and show care.

This isn't an isolated thing. I've been asking him for years to look into emotional intelligence and get better at it, he has got worse as he's got older and I often don't bother telling him things any more because it's like taking to a wall.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not being needy. He makes he feel needy and naggy if I talk to him about stuff like this.

That’s appalling of him
Your DH won’t / isnt able to step up and support you when you most need him - do you have other friends or fault which can step up?
for me this would be unforgivable

i would also expect practical support from my spouse - ie picking stuff up at home if needed so I could focus on my parent

God, I’m so sorry about your mum. Of course he would, he adores my mum, will be devastated to lose her and cares a lot about how I feel. You deserve so much more but as you say, he’s got form for being crap so I’d try and seek support elsewhere if you can. I’m so sorry 💐

That's a lot @Bombinia

My then husband was also one who needed time to 'process'. Is your husband's coldness mostly when you're going through tough times? What's he like on your birthdays, or any day that isn't about him?

I'm really sorry about your Mum. You must be worried sick.

And of course your H should understand how awful you must be feeling and should be offering you support in way he possibly can, but especially sympathy and loving kindness.

It's really tough, hugs to you and I empathise, I have a partner who just doesn't do emotions. Offers up no hugs when you are visibly upset and just tries to be practical and fix things - that seems to be their way of expressing care. I do know mine is autistic though, and our son is exactly like him. I don't know the answer, I still yearn for someone to just read me and give me a hug or give me reassurance, but I don't think you can just 'make' a person conform to having and feeling emotion.

Sorry to hear about your mum. I can imagine this is an extremely worrying and stressful time for you.

I don't think you are being needy and naggy. You have told him what is going on and as your husband he should be providing you with support. It doesn't sound normal to not speak to you about what is happening and not support you through this difficult time

I wouldn't say he's actively cold. He brings me tea in bed, he buys me chocolate he knows I like, but he is very bad at showing care and has got worse.

He's not a proactive person generally (except at work!) he doesn't suggest doing things together, ever, but is happy if I do.

He just seems incapable of showing love or understanding other people's feelings any more. The kids comment on it. He's often very sharp with them and seems not to understand how they might feel in situations, just gets angry that they've done something wrong or aren't acting as he thinks they should.

(Yes he's likely undiagnosed Nd, I think he's ADHD but I'm diagnosed autistic and I'm empathetic so that's no excuse. It can be learned)

We've been married over 15 years and I feel like he now doesn't feel like he needs to put any effort into me, that we are married and together and that's enough. But I don't feel connected or that he cares. If I say that to him he says "I love you, you're my world, I do care". But he never says or shows that to me.

I just feel like he knows this means my mum might die and he's just treating it as if I told him the milkman has been.

But he used to. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. It's like he was acting then and can't be bothered to now. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't do emotions, my dad is like that and it's miserable.

I've been asking him for years to look into emotional intelligence and get better at it

Are you serious? This seems very simplistic, and lacking in emotional intelligence in itself.

Im.sorry to hear about your mom. Does your husband generally not do emotion? If this is the case then it's unlikely, although I know upsetting for u, that he won't now. Can u tell him practical things that you want him to do? This is not what you want i understand, but u need to ask yourself if your wishes and his actions have ever complemented each other. If not this is what uiu both ca expect.

This is a very difficult time for you, sorry your mum is so ill. Even with his issues he should be supporting you practically and emotionally.
What does he do if you hug him? Or ask him for a hug?

Regardless of if he is ND, if he wants to have interpersonal relationships, then he has to make efforts to show and understand emotion. Thats it. If both parties are happy with no emotional involvement, great! Happy days. But he cannot expect to have relationships with people who want and need emotional engagement without any effort on his part. And presumably he learnt to drive a car, work a job, there's plenty of guidance online for ND people on how to learn about emotions and what to do in certain situations, he just hasnt cared enough to try is what im seeing here. It doesnt matter if he thinks its important or not, you have explained its what you need and he has just dismissed that and done nothing.
He could do his own research, he could ask you specifically what to do ahead of time in certain situations, there's so many things he could do and is just choosing not to.

I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't do emotions, my dad is like that and it's miserable.

A pattern so often repeated. Your children are noticing it. You can break the cycle and hopefully they will have healthier relationships when their time comes.

Then I'd ask him, point out that he used to be attentive and caring, I'd ask what changed? Did he force himself to do all things he thought were expected of him - like a form of masking, and now he can no longer manage? Or maybe he can no longer see the signs of what you need, can you be blunt and tell him you need him to hug you, comfort you or just reassure? I know mine just doesn't get any social cues at all, he needs to be told bluntly, which is also demoralising for me at the same time.
I too suspect I have ADHD, I feel empathy and I feel the pull to comfort and hug those close to me, but I am not a huggy person with all and sundry and actually dislike people not close to me entering my space. Over the years I have realised he's just not like that at all, and he also was at the start when playing a part - masking, but can no longer manage it.

Out of interest, would he expect you to care if the circumstances were the other way round?

I just honestly don’t know how he or anyone could be so cold about something like this 💐

This sounds so hard OP. I suppose you can tolerate this until something really bad happens, like now, when you need serious support and love.

You'd generally get more emotion from a colleague than that!

Sorry to read about your mum, that sounds really tough for you. My DH is the same as yours. He cares a lot but struggles with the words to show it. I read something once that said the well is full but the faucet is dry. Ie the emotions are there but they're stuck inside. Maybe your DH shows he cares in other ways. Mine is very practical, his love language is definitely acts of service rather than words. It's hard to bear sometimes especially when you need something they can't provide. If you know he cares deep down but just can't show it that's one thing. If you think he genuinely doesn't care then that's another.

I totally relate to the feeling needy thing too.

I’m sorry about your mum OP.

Your husband sounds like an avoidant. My ex husband was like this. When my Nanna passed away I returned from the hospital and when I got in he didn’t even get up from his chair and the only thing he said was “there’s no toilet roll, did you get any”?

At the time I thought he was just cold and unfeeling and was confused because he hadn’t always been that way. Years later I realise that it was actually a coping mechanism borne out of an avoidant attachment style.

Yes, I would expect emotional support from my husband, as well as practical help. Surely that's the basic, anyone should expect. You are supposed to be a married couple, a team, and you support each other when times are hard. When my Mum had a stroke, my husband was at a customer site in London, his office had to call the customer to track him down - once he'd spoken to me, he caught the first available train back home.

The fact your husband used to be emotionally available, but is no longer, suggests he's 'checked out' of the relationship on an emotional level. How is your relationship otherwise?

Obviously I didn't say it like that! I'm summarising here for ease. I've explained to him how I feel using I statements, I've spelled out what I need from him, and I've also told him this stuff is called emotional intelligence. I've encouraged him to look at books/podcasts/whatever as self improvement. I've asked him to consider some therapy around this (his parents are the same).
But I can only hold his hand so far, he's the one who has to do the work.

Oh from my point view it's dead. No affection, no sex, no talking about our feelings and thoughts and desires for the future. It's practical and mechanical. I carry all the mental load for everything except the annual boiler service, putting the bins out, the weekly shop and cooking dinners. We have a disabled child and a Nd one I home educate so there's a lot to do and I do it all. He's unaware of most of it.

He thinks it's all great and says he is very happy and loves me very much.

I struggle to see what positives are in it for me other than financial stability.

Yes he's likely undiagnosed Nd, I think he's ADHD but I'm diagnosed autistic and I'm empathetic so that's no excuse. It can be learned this is not true. Some people can learn it, and some people can't.
People are all different.

You are not being needy wishing for comfort, concern, compassion but you are being a bit naive in not understanding that some people just can't or won't ever do this, for a variety of reasons.

I would expect a hug

Yes I think DH is avoidant, but I don't know what the solution is! He's the one who would need to work on it and I guess he doesn't see the need to.

Well, he tells me he cares. My argument is that if I can't feel our experience the care, then does it exist? It's no use to me stuck inside him!