Would you expect your DH to ask how you were feeling in this situation?

[Bombinia]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but I think if I raise it with DH he will think I am "getting at him".

Background is my mum has been really ill, in ITU before Christmas and we nearly lost her due to an infection which turn led to sepsis and a massive heart attack.

She's now home but we were told another infection could be fatal as they now have a DNR on her due to her weakened heart.

She has developed an infection and is on ABs at home (I think she should be on IV ABs in hospital but that's another story).

I told DH and he just listened quietly and didn't say anything (this is quite normal for him, he says he needs time to process things but he then never comes back and says anything. I feel like I'm talking to a wall).

That was yesterday. I thought maybe this morning he might ask me how I'm feeling about it but he hasn't said anything.

Would you expect your DH to?

I'm really upset and worried about my mum, because it's very likely this could kill her, and I would like my husband to ask me how I'm feeling and show care.

This isn't an isolated thing. I've been asking him for years to look into emotional intelligence and get better at it, he has got worse as he's got older and I often don't bother telling him things any more because it's like taking to a wall.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not being needy. He makes he feel needy and naggy if I talk to him about stuff like this.

I don't know. But then I always do show care. When his mum was in hospital at the same time my mum was fighting for her life, I would visit my mum then go from ITU to see his mum on her ward. I checked in with him emotionally about it all the time. So he doesn't know what it's like but to get it from me because I do it already

I think it's hard because he was affectionate previously. I would rather be on my own and open to meeting someone else than living life this with no affection or caring.

What do you think his reaction would be if you said how you feel and then 'you're thinking I'm getting at you. You're right, I am, because you've really let me down. I needed support and you did nothing. And to be honest, when you say you love me and care for me, I don't believe you anymore.'

Sure husband is "very happy" because you are doing everything @Bombinia so his life is completely comfortable.

Even if he does have an "avoidant attachment style" that does not make his total lack of support for you ok.

Would your life be less stressful without him in it?

I'm sorry for what you and your mum are going through 💐
Save your energy for that most urgent situation.

I've said that to him before. He goes quiet, looks hangdog, then says either "I need to do better" or "I guess I just do everything wrong".

And nothing changes.

I just want him to do some work on himself and improve. I've done loads of work on myself, and we even did couples counselling for a while but he didn't do anything except turn up and answer her questions. There was no improvement.

Yes I think it would in many ways, but the financial situation would be very stressful. My children's needs mean I need to be at home but the government would want me working. Although I could start my old business up again, but I found juggling that and the kids really hard.

Being trapped in a relationship due to finances seems to come up so often on MN.

I'm very sorry that practicalities mean leaving could not give you more peace of mind.

OP says he masked and did it when they first got together, so clearly he can see the point of it enough to try, as otherwise why would he have masked? Its not like OP is expecting him to pick up she is unhappy, she's literally told him and given him suggestions on what to do and he hasnt bothered. If he had NEVER tried, then I would understand 'cant or wont', or if he was under the impression OP was happy, then I would understand 'cant or wont' but he has done it before so knows its what other people want/need, and knows OP is unhappy without it, so this is him choosing not to. Obviously, masking is difficult, so he needs to figure out his own way, a way that works for their relationship. If he actually wanted OP to be happy, then he would be trying to 'fix' it, and theres no evidence of that here, he's basically ignoring the problem even though he's been given guidance on what to do!

My dh doesn’t have the deep emotional intelligence that I have. Different upbringings by parents with different upbringings. He did however love and respect my parents and did all he could for me and them whilst they were alive

Tell him this, maybe that will open up him trying to talk about it and what he thinks he could do to change your mind.
It does feel alien that someone you love is unable to actually say those words to you, it feels alien to actually want to hug that person, but they recoil at a touch, it is heartbreaking, and it feels like rejection. I suspect I am still mourning that part and considering if this is really it for me, in my fifties, no love, affection or sex available from someone I love, I'm pretty sure he loves me, he just never says so.

Very sorry your mum is so unwell.

” I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't do emotions”: you seem to be hoping he’ll change. Will you stay married if he doesn’t?

You have raised this with him many times, he hasn’t changed. He probably won’t.

What he is offering you may or may not be enough for you in good times and bad.

Nothing changes because there are no consequences for him - his behaviour is working for him. Whether he was masking at the beginning by pretending to be caring or not, he's not giving you what you need now. It has to be you who makes the changes you need now @Bombinia, previous attempts have made no difference

I feel like my children's lives would be worse if we split. Financially definitely, but also they love him, although as I'm writing this I can't think of any concrete examples of things he does with them beyond driving them to stuff occasionally.

You said in a previous post "The kids comment on it. He's often very sharp with them and seems not to understand how they might feel in situations, just gets angry that they've done something wrong or aren't acting as he thinks they should." so much as they love him, they must be hurt or maybe confused by his sharpness. Most of my childhood memories are of my dad's anger and temper or in relation to his control. I know now that he loved me but I feel so sad for the young me that endured such, at best, thoughtlessness and/or selfishness. And I see the difference in my mum since he died, she is more herself.

You also said you were there for him when his mum was ill. Perhaps in the first instance, before making any major decisions, be a bit less available for him. Whether that's when he needs you or when you're filling the kettle, stop being so considerate of him and think of yourself and your children first. See how that sits with you for a while

Your husband sounds very similar to mine. We have been together 25yrs and honestly I wish I left over 10 years ago. I waited until my kids left home thinking it was the right thing for them. In the end both my kids wanted me to leave and neither of them have a good relationship with him.

I could have hired a taxi driver to fulfil his role as he never offered them any guidance or anything other than lifts. He was also quite mean to one of them and grumpy regularly especially every family holiday. One of my children said one of their teachers was more of a father figure growing up!

Anyway what I want to say is that it doesn't get any better. The final straw for me was him not speaking to me for 2 weeks when I got diagnosed with a very serious illness. Thankfully it was a misdiagnosis but it made me realise I don't want to get old and vulnerable with this man. We are now divorcing.

If they don't have your back emotionally it only gets worse as you get older. I am not a needy person but I cannot grow old with someone so cold. I realise now that my husband is not naturally emotionally intelligent and the minute we had kids he just stopped trying completely and it got so much worse.

And for me it's the stopping trying that gets to me. He might well be ND (no diagnosis) but it doesn't stop him trying to express himself or even show love in other ways. I am probably adhd &mildly autistic and have come from a traumatic childhood. That presents challenges but it doesn't stop me showing up for those I love and I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. I have to put effort into that, it doesn't come naturally to me. So I just don't understand why he doesn't try to be better.

I can understand the financial implications though and the dilemma of not wanting to harm your kids. Nothing is black and white with situations like this.

Yes if they don't see a problem (or see it but are in denial) its difficult.

As you are married to him and have kids I would suggest coping strategies such as accepting the fact that presently he will not meet your needs. (I am being super logical here and I know its not that easy when you are in it). Do you have other people who can support you with the situation with your Mum? Lean on them at this time - also try an meet your own needs by being kind to yourself.

In regards to your Husband - what is he good at? - assume that he isnt all bad - try not to dwell on what is lacking and focus on his positives. Do bear in mind that although on the face of it whilst he is seeming cold and unkind it will be hurting him inside (on some level) that he cannot step up.

Further down the line you can broach the issue but for now just park it and dont overthink his actions.

I've been parking it for ten years though, and this is bringing it all to a head.

I hear you. My partner is exactly the same. Says nothing. If I call him out on it, he says he was thinking of a response. We have been together 9 years and I think I’ve reached the end of my tether. A couple of years ago I did a big intensive professional course for work, which was 2 years duration. About 2/3 of the way through it I pointed out to him that he had not once even said “how’s it going”. His BS response was that he didn’t need to, because he heard other people asking me that. My experience is that they won’t change and you will have to decide if you can live like this or not.

I understand that but now is not the best time for you.

Next time, do not say a word.

I know it won’t solve anything, but perhaps he needs a good taste of his own medicine.

If I need to talk about my emotional state with my spouse, I just tell him I need to talk about my emotions.

Why did he need to ask how I am doing when my mother was dying? He knew I that it was a shit situation and I was a mess. What actually helped was him asking what he could do to make my life easier during that time.

He should have at least offered a hug or handhold or whatever your usual style of affection is. I can understand not saying much, situations like this are hard and makes people feel awkward, they don’t know what to say.

I think he's out of order and he needs to massively step up, sorry to hear about your mum. He sounds lazy, self absorbed and checked out (this is why l tell partners they shouldn't cruise and nothings set in stone with relationships!). Whether he is ND is neither here nor there really, it just sounds like an excuse as a ND person

There was no improvement because this is who he is

I had a short relationship with someone who I think was putting on a show of emotions. We're still friends now. His family would say things like "you bring out the best in him". I think what happened was he thought he had to behave a certain way in order to get the woman he wanted.

Fortunately, I spotted some things that I felt were warning signs. Also, I didn't really want marriage and stuff. He did want that. So I ended it, but we were able to stay friends... I use the term loosely, because he doesn't really have any friends, and to be honest, I can't really imagine him being helpful in any scenario.

I don't think people can really change who they are. Sorry. It sounds like you're prepared for this though - you say you don't want to be with someone who can't show emotion. I know this sounds hard, but I'm not particularly convinced that people like this really have emotions. I have a couple of relatives like this. They are much calmer and more well balanced in some ways, so I can see the pluses. But it's very difficult to get any care out of them. Sometimes it's very difficult to get any conversation out of them! I've posted on here about how much I hate those very occasional family meals. Because it's like talking to a wall!

I'm really sorry about the situation with your mum 💐 I hope you have friends who can support you.

Based on this alone, I'd not divorce right now. You have a disabled child, and ND - and home educate. Splitting up will not improve your life in any way either - you'll not magically meet a new partner attuned to your emotional needs.
You'll most likely not be able to provide the type of care you've been providing your kids.
And what would you gain? Other feeling a brief relief when you tell him you are splitting up - which will release your pent-up resentment of him? After that relief wears out - the reality of your situation will hit.

I am sorry about your mother. It's tough to be in the middle - when both our kids and our parents depend on us. I think your desire to break up your marriage is more symptomatic of you wanting an escape, a change. Unfortunately - that sort of change will not actually make you happier, and life will get much harder.

Your H is not empathetic. He probably never was - the early dating period does not really count. People don't act as themselves then - we put up a performance, act as the better versions of ourselves. Eventually we settle into who we really are. And, of course, that changes with time.
It is unrealistic to expect him to "learn" empathy. He feels things the way he feels them. And so do you.

Personally - if I were in your position (when I am dealing with something really tough) - I hate when people ask me how I am feeling. Because it's a strange and annoying question to me - given that it's quite obvious how I am feeling. For me - it's more helpful when people say - smth like "sorry, it's tough". Or offer to do something practical to help, make my life easier in some way, etc. I don't even popularly want to be hugged at that time - it does not help me.

I know people all feel things differently. But when I hear of other's problems - my first instinct is to react in the way I'd want people to react if it was me. So - i don't ask people "how they are feeling". for my closest friends - when I know how they are - I do try to offer support in the way they want it.
But it does not always work - and I often slip into offering solutions, rather than listening, as they often want.

So no - it's not easy to change your personality. He won't be able to. But if you separate - as I already said - no one else would step in and be there to be your emotional support. So - you anyway need to figure out how to find your support from friends, or internally, or with a therapist.

None of what I wrote is helpful now - when your mom is struggling for her life. I really hope she pulls through.