Would you expect your DH to ask how you were feeling in this situation?

[Bombinia]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but I think if I raise it with DH he will think I am "getting at him".

Background is my mum has been really ill, in ITU before Christmas and we nearly lost her due to an infection which turn led to sepsis and a massive heart attack.

She's now home but we were told another infection could be fatal as they now have a DNR on her due to her weakened heart.

She has developed an infection and is on ABs at home (I think she should be on IV ABs in hospital but that's another story).

I told DH and he just listened quietly and didn't say anything (this is quite normal for him, he says he needs time to process things but he then never comes back and says anything. I feel like I'm talking to a wall).

That was yesterday. I thought maybe this morning he might ask me how I'm feeling about it but he hasn't said anything.

Would you expect your DH to?

I'm really upset and worried about my mum, because it's very likely this could kill her, and I would like my husband to ask me how I'm feeling and show care.

This isn't an isolated thing. I've been asking him for years to look into emotional intelligence and get better at it, he has got worse as he's got older and I often don't bother telling him things any more because it's like taking to a wall.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not being needy. He makes he feel needy and naggy if I talk to him about stuff like this.

Yes it was after we had a baby. It might not have been deliberate then, but knowing I'm unhappy and doing nothing about it definitely is deliberate.

I'm so done. I just wanted a partner who would love me and make me feel like they enjoyed me for who I am. Instead I feel squashed and empty.

That is very similar, almost identical, to how abusers work. How can we tell the difference?

I think my DP would check in fairly regularly and ask how Mum is, would likely offer practical support, would definitely be happy to provide practical help if asked, but I'm not sure he'd be asking how I am. I mean, he'd know I wasn't doing well, and would be doing what he can to smooth my life, but I doubt he'd be asking me specifically about that.

TBH I'm not sure I'd be asking him either.

The difference is it would seem in the intent. In abusers the behaviour is intentional, deliberate. In autistic people the may simply not be able to respond to emotion, situations and human need in a way that we, as neurotypicals, need to experience it. However for the person on the other side of it it is just as painful and damaging regardless of intent. Its a bit like, if I accidentally run over your foot in my car, it will be broken whether or not I intended to do it or not, only on an emotional level.

Thank you @gallivantsaregood . I was beginning to think my then husband was neurodiverse with his reactions to the most innocuous things but, knowing what I know now, his intent was to get his own way. I couldn't see it when I was with him, it wasn't until we were apart and I was out from under his spell that I could see his behaviour for what it was. As is so often the case.

I don't think you're being needy, I feel like you're human and just need some comfort now and he should definitely be there for you. I'm sorry for your situation and I hope Mom is doing better. Take care

Sorry to hear your mum is so poorly. When I called my OH at work to tell him my father had died, he hung up on me. He didn't come home early, or comfort me in any way. I just sat there in shock, with my 3 week old newborn on my knee.
After 22 years more years of this kind of weird alien behaviour, I'm divorcing him.
They can't fake emotional intelligence. Failing to even manage the bare minimum of human emotion doesn't magically improve. Telling me I'm "too sensitive" or emotional doesn't make me weak or at fault.
If his behaviour isn't enough for you to feel supported and cared for, you have to make a decision. He won't change. It won't get better. Life and grief are too hard to navigate whilst feeling completely isolated and alone in a relationship.