Would you expect your DH to ask how you were feeling in this situation?

[Bombinia]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but I think if I raise it with DH he will think I am "getting at him".

Background is my mum has been really ill, in ITU before Christmas and we nearly lost her due to an infection which turn led to sepsis and a massive heart attack.

She's now home but we were told another infection could be fatal as they now have a DNR on her due to her weakened heart.

She has developed an infection and is on ABs at home (I think she should be on IV ABs in hospital but that's another story).

I told DH and he just listened quietly and didn't say anything (this is quite normal for him, he says he needs time to process things but he then never comes back and says anything. I feel like I'm talking to a wall).

That was yesterday. I thought maybe this morning he might ask me how I'm feeling about it but he hasn't said anything.

Would you expect your DH to?

I'm really upset and worried about my mum, because it's very likely this could kill her, and I would like my husband to ask me how I'm feeling and show care.

This isn't an isolated thing. I've been asking him for years to look into emotional intelligence and get better at it, he has got worse as he's got older and I often don't bother telling him things any more because it's like taking to a wall.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not being needy. He makes he feel needy and naggy if I talk to him about stuff like this.

but if he used to do it, he doesn't need lessons or guidance, he can do it and won't. that's the conversation you need to have

when you told him your mom was poorly again did he literally just stand there and stare at you or did he at least make acknowledging noises? could he be assuming as you didn't then say "and I'm feeling....." that you didn't want to talk about it?

My experience is that this will go completely unnoticed. It makes it all easier for him because he will feel less pressure to give anything back.

He just kind of grunted at me. That's generally how he responds when I tell him anything. Makes a noise of some kind then that's it.

I'd really want to do the Samuel L Jackson speech from Pulp Fiction if I got grunted at when talking about my mum's illness.

What are you getting from this relationship apart from tea and chocolate? Surely a big part of marriage is feeling loved and supported. I remember coming home to find my H painting the ceiling. He didn't pause and it was some time before he said over his shoulder 'Oh by the way, your grandma's in intensive care' and continued to paint. This is many years ago but I wish I'd realised then that my relationship with this man was over.

I have the same DH. He never answers me. He listens but doesn’t speak. It’s so dreadful. Sorry

Well I wonder this myself regularly! And honestly all I can really come up with is that he provides the money, and I can ask him to do stuff like change the beds or put a child to bed. I've told him in the past I feel like we are flatmates.

I worked out last night (and this is TMI) that we have had sex for only about 2-2.5 years of our relationship, and we've been together for 20 years. I know sex isn't everything but I had more of a sex life before I was married! I used to think I had a high sex drive but actually I think I'm normal, it's just that he never wants it.

It is pretty dreadful. I'm sorry yours is like this too.

My ex was like this and I left him after 7 years of the same shit. No emotional support ever but I was his personal therapist. So sorry that you’re living with someone like that during such a tough time, I know how hard it is.

Same here. My mum died a couple of months ago and DH doesn’t do emotions either. He did however take me to visit her every day (I’m disabled) when she was at the end of life, buy her things she liked to eat when she had no appetite, make sure she had enough blankets when she was cold and a million other little things.

Occasionally I long for just a big hug and head pats, but after over 30 years I know it’s just his way and that’s ok.

We’re in a v similar position; my mum
had terminal cancer, my dad is still here but we’re always waiting for the next medical crisis (there have been many) Throw in perimenopause, me getting late diagnosed ADHD and DS finally getting getting a diagnosis and it’s a cocktail of stuff to deal
with

DH has got progressively worse (or maybe i notice it more?) at actively supporting me in the ways you’d expect from a spouse. He just doesn’t ’see’ stuff - whether it’s emotional support or practical shit like ‘oh, little is working 60 hours a week + dealing with parents etc, maybe I should step up and figure out what i can do to help with Christmas’ instead of sitting there like a spare part. He never usually asks how things are when the shit hits the fan - and when he does it’s always at the worst time ie we’re out, im about to go into a meeting at work etc

We had rounds of arguments about everything from
domestic / mental load shit to parenting, to ‘why can’t you give me the support most ppl get’ Similar to you I feel like I almost have to beg to get him to notice why this stuff is important, and honestly, it’s humiliating. He’s v receptive to hearing it and feels bad, but he seems completely unable to read ppl or change. I highly suspect he’s also ND, but when we first met he wasn’t like this. We’ve had couples therapy multiple times but we’re still here

Through individual therapy I have realised that our relationship sort of worked as i’ve always been the one putting in 70% of the effort to connect and do stuff. I’m so tired of it and getting nothing back, that I refuse to do it anymore. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t stepped in, but often says ‘oh we should do something’ but never organises it, or will ask me on a weekday if i can do coffee or something that day (i wfh, he’s pt) when he knows i need to schedule stuff at least 3 days in advance cos I have a ton of meetings.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact Im
in a situation which for me isn’t a loving relationship - we’re basically co-parents / housemates at this point

He never usually asks how things are when the shit hits the fan - and when he does it’s always at the worst time ie we’re out, im about to go into a meeting at work etc

@LittleMy77 he's choosing those times because he knows you won't want to be emotional in public or will need to keep your head for what you're doing/about to deal with, so that's his chance to pretend to show you he cares while not actually having to do or deal with anything. Again, his behaviour works for him. Not so much for you

My DH would ask me what I needed him to do to help. Then he’d do it. He was amazing in a crisis. When my father had a stroke while abroad we found out Saturday afternoon and we had arranged overnight childcare and were on a plane 12 hours later. He cancelled his working week (he managed a large law firm in London) and was a rock.
When we eventually got my father back to the UK he took care of the kids every evening so I could go visit my father and support my mother. No question, no complaining, no hesitation.
Was my DH is exceptional? I’d like to think not, but when my friend’s Dad died and she went to stay with her mum for a few days she came home to find her dog had barely been walked so poo and piss on the floor and her DH (and adult son) claiming ‘oh he didn’t want to go out’ and ‘oh we didn’t notice the mess’ . And ‘what’s for dinner’? She laughed it off when she told me but was probably heartbroken that they couldn’t be bothered to do the one thing she needed and take care of her beloved dog. Then leave her to clean up the mess.

My DH would ask me what I needed him to do to help. Then he’d do it. He was amazing in a crisis. When my father had a stroke while abroad we found out Saturday afternoon and we had arranged overnight childcare and were on a plane 12 hours later. He cancelled his working week (he managed a large law firm in London) and was a rock.
When we eventually got my father back to the UK he took care of the kids every evening so I could go visit my father and support my mother. No question, no complaining, no hesitation.
Was my DH is exceptional? I’d like to think not, but when my friend’s Dad died and she went to stay with her mum for a few days she came home to find her dog had barely been walked so poo and piss on the floor and her DH (and adult son) claiming ‘oh he didn’t want to go out’ and ‘oh we didn’t notice the mess’ . And ‘what’s for dinner’? She laughed it off when she told me but was probably heartbroken that they couldn’t be bothered to do the one thing she needed and take care of her beloved dog. Then leave her to clean up the mess.

Probably autistic and or adhd.

We’re all different some people just aren’t emotional or empathetic people by nature
it’s not personal that’s who they are

you say he’s always been like this with kindness why would you expect him to be any different now

I discovered a woman ( late 50’s) I worked with years ago was having an affair with a very aging lothario also at work. Both were married. He was about 60 and not even his mother would have said he was a looker. It was not my business so I made no comment at all .But she then said to me “ I expect you wonder what I see in him” before I could even comment she said, “ he cares”. It turns out her husband who apparently did love her, never showed any affection or show that he cared. Her mother had collapsed and was in intensive care, she was very close to her mum. Her husband just patted her shoulder and made no comment at all or offered any support. Her lothario on the other hand, gave her a hug and said “ right what do you need, what can I do to help you, shall I come to see your mum, or just wait outside the ward” Her husband had never shown her this kind of care and it was this that she fell for really. Her story has stayed with me as a lesson on how to treat people.

That sounds really shit and I’m sorry your mum is so poorly.
My husband isn’t quite as bad but not great either. He always says that he doesn’t know what to say. Well, whatever you’re bloody feeling! Clearly not much!

My partner would be thoughtful and useful, but I would neither expect nor want him to ask how I was feeling. What would I be expected to say? It’s not like I’m going to say I’m fine, or happy. I’d see trying to put my feelings into words as just one more thing I didn’t need to do.

We are all different in our wants and expectations at times of stress. The problem is that yours aren’t aligned.

Yep, absolutely. He's also got form for saying 'nows not the time to discuss X' if we're having an argument etc, and DS is around / in the house

Obviously we don't having raging arguments in front of him, but limiting the time we do speak / sort stuff out to after DS is in bed means its 9pm+ and I'm knackered and have had enough of the day / work etc. It effectively shuts anything down, which then festers for me, and he forgets it or doesn't see a need to revisit it.

It's a dysfunctional dynamic, but without me pushing every single time, it won't change, and I'm tired of being the driving force behind it.

It's so wearing @LittleMy77 . They can be so good at getting things their way but will still think they're hard done by.

I didn't say that. I said he's got worse. But he wasn't like this when we first got together and got married. I wouldn't have married him if he had been.

That's how I feel, like housemates. It's just so empty.

I am so sorry for the situation with your Mum. It must be so hard for you.

You have had great identification and advice on this thread already.

I am writing to say, as gently as possible, that I really don't think this is the best time to make big decisions
about your relationship.

Questioning / re-evaluating, I very much understand. Big life events do make us re consider our choices.

However, gently, I think focus on your Mum for now. You will be processing a lot of emotions at the moment - perhaps anger, fear as well as sadness of course and it’s easy to fixate on your husband’s failings. I do agree that he has let you down, but I think your energy is best directed towards your Mum at this time.

💐

If you have a read on a framework groups for ND/ND or ND/NT couples you'll find this is very common. Ot always but common. Moreover it seems with autistic men. Before marriage they set out to achieve their goal-marriage. They do all the things they've learned is necessary to make this happen, their love interest becomes their special interest abd tgey woo them with charm, care, consideration. They marry, then boom! Mask comes off , often overnight, sometimes gradually or after another big life event like having a baby. It is literally like once the goal is achieved those bits are no longer seen as necessary. It can be very difficult to live with but I don't think it's in any way deliberate deception, although that may be how it feels.