I cant cope with this life anymore

[Neverends1]

How do others cope when power balance exists in your relationship? Im educated but not in a high paying job. Im from a family with little money and had a basic upbringing.

DP is the opposite and Is from a family with money. He has hundreds of thousands in savings and I get by but have debt from my car loan etc. He pays the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is more expensive but for context, his hourly wage is 4x what mine is. I work a lot more hours than him. Yet he refuses to help with anything in the house.

The issue is that he is very belittling. I literally can not ask him to help with anything im the house. If I do, he reminds me that he pays the rent. I am constantly told 'it's not your house' or 'i have more qualifications than you. I did not get into a relationship with someone 18 years younger for you to tell me what to do'. Today I am wfh at my desk in the bedroom. Each day he kicks me out of there so he can do 1 hour of work. Which means packing up all my things and then going back an hour later. He could work anywhere but refuses, stating 'it is my house. You go and get your own house'. He has this overwhelming power over me and I feel like im drowning in life. I am constantly on eggshells and I literally jump and get palpitations everytime he enters a room. I am constantly being put in my place and reminded I am lesser than him. He will spend his day in bed and refuses to help on the basis he has a better job than me.

If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your kids. He's showing them an abusive toxic treatment of women and making it seem normal to them. You didn't give the sex of your children. If you have a DD, do you want her to think that this is how a man should treat her? If you have a DS, do you want him to treat his wife or girlfriend like this?

I agree with the other poster. Marry him, then divorce and take as much as you can. Otherwise, leave. You should never feel belittled like this by anyone.

Somethings a miss if he supposedly has hundreds of thousands in the bank .. but rents.
Hes a total tit but why did you have multiple children with him let alone one ?! What an awful father he is.
you obviously need to leave but seem to have excuses as to why you can’t. Ask yourself what advise you’d give your son or daughter if they read this exact OP to you about their relationship.
don’t live your life like this it’s so short.

Are you married op ?

This is horrible. He won’t take the kids; he just uses that empty threat to try to stop you leaving. He is obviously way too selfish to have custody of them, so don’t worry about that.

He is the type to not want you to get what you want, so tell him you’re happy for him to have custody, or to have 50:50 custody and watch him backtrack very fast.

He does not want you to leave. You are a perfect partner to him - a slave who does exactly what he wants and who he can abuse and take his anger out on. He only constantly criticises you a) to use you as his emotional punching bag because he has a lot of rage and b) to lower your self esteem so you think you cannot cope without him and don’t leave.

He did not want a partner to love, he is incapable of it. He targeted you because we’re so much younger than him.

You need to learn about narcissists and abusive husbands. And get some counselling if possible. And of course you need to leave. But be prepared for his reaction and manipulation and possible violence. As others said women’s aid. Read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.

You deserve a much better life and he is a total scumbag who doesn’t care for you at all and enjoys being cruel to you. He tells you you are not good enough so the focus is on you, you are a nice person so you try harder to be good enough but of course just get met with more criticism. You never question hang on, what about him? Is he being a nice, loving partner?

There’s absolutely no point in trying to have a reasonable conversation with him, he will twist your words and get angry/violent. He is even trying to turn your own kids against you even though you do everything for them.

Once you leave him your self esteem will start to rise immensely and you will start enjoying life.

Do read the Lundy book. It really struck a chord with me. Yup he’s a cunt because he enjoys it.
You need to save enough money for a deposit to leave. Your kids need to spend some of their life away from him to see a different home life. Sorry but staying is the worst option for you and them.

You need to be saving money heavily and trying to upgrade your career to have the financial flexibility to leave. This is horrific.

I’m guessing someone who is as prepared to pretend to be a partner to someone while basically making them second class will be wise to that.

OP just leave and get your own home, even if it’s house share for a while. Build your financial independence, live how you want to live for at least a year or two and then think about finding a life partner who is worthy of you because that mercenary manipulator isn’t.

Call women’s aid and get out into a domestic violence shelter. Take the children with you!
Your situation sounds like hell, you deserve so much better

You are in an abusive relationship

This is ridiculous. You need to contact a woman's aid and get advice. Stop having sex with this man. Get a job. There's more to life than this.

This.

I hope you can find the strength and support to leave OP. You and your children deserve so much more than this. It is no life for you or them, and kindly, it’s teaching your DC that this is normal behaviour in a relationship. It is not.

Abusers of this nature are very cunning and good at what they do. This is exactly how he intends you to feel and everything he does is designed to keep you where you are.

Please OP reach out to agencies who can support you and your children to leave SAFELY and make this abuser a part of your past and not your future.

With you in solidarity ❤️

“I did not get into a relationship with someone 18 years younger for you to tell me what to do”

He’s already told you that he doesn’t want a partnership. You’ll never be an equal to him as it sounds like he specifically wanted a power imbalance.

Why are you allowing him to manipulate your children . He’s blaming you , disrespecting you , abusing you , and your letting him teach your children this . Get out . Take your children away from him . You and your children deserve better . What is stopping you ?

I’m so sorry you’re in this position, you and your children deserve a better life away from him. Can you contact women’s aid? You would be able to get social housing and claim UC until you can secure a job. Can you read up on abusive relationships to give you an insight on what you are experiencing and it will give you the courage to make a step forward to leaving. It will be difficult at first but trust me you and your children will find peace at last. Once you eventually leave and you will, find the courage for your children, I promise you will not regret it xxx ❤️

@Neverends1 we are all telling you that he is abusive and abuse is not love but you are still trying to fix him or find explanations.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

He doesn't even like you. He looks down on you because it makes him feel good. He is also abusing and alienating your children.

Think about that. They learn how to form healthy relationships from you and this is the example you set?

You need to leave him. Let him have his rented house all to himself. Let him pay the bills and be happy in his rich, sad life alone.

Stop being a martyr and stop letting him hurt and confuse the kids with his emotional abuse. Tell them Daddy is wrong and tells untruthful things to them.

You've wasted yourself on this man. Go find your own rental, claim UC and anything else you are entitled to claim as a single mum and put a CMS claim in for him to pay for the kids. DO NOT give him 50/50 - let him take you to court for that.

Start fighting back and get free. You've let him diminish your light for long enough.

This is one of those situations where leaving is the only solution. Staying on means nothing will change, and will only continue to get worse, as your children are also being roped in and damaged. At least for their sake you must leave.

This is abuse, financial and emotional. Physical too as I believe he is raping you. (What happens then if you say no? )

please speak to women’s aid and read the Lundy book

be aware that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves/ says no/ starts to stand up for herself

By staying with this specimen, your children are being abused just by being there.

You need a plan. Stop going over all the things he has done and start a plan to leave him. He's not going to change, your children are going to grow up to be damaged adults with problems if you stay together

Go for a stinkingly large amount of maintenance -see a lawyer immediately

Please take your children to a women’s shelter as @willsandnoodleand others said. You are worthy of love and respect. You are deserving of a life that is free of his put downs and miserable lies. You and your children don’t need him or his abuse. Close the door on his utterly disgusting behaviour and start over with the next chapter free from his abuse

Wait...is this the part-time doctor again? The one you've been advised repeatedly to leave on previous threads?

Every so often on Mumsnet I read a post and I really really hope it’s written by a troll. If this is genuine then it’s tragically sad.

This. Do not underestimate how serious your current position is. Get the fuck out.

Again?! I remember those threads.