I cant cope with this life anymore

[Neverends1]

How do others cope when power balance exists in your relationship? Im educated but not in a high paying job. Im from a family with little money and had a basic upbringing.

DP is the opposite and Is from a family with money. He has hundreds of thousands in savings and I get by but have debt from my car loan etc. He pays the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is more expensive but for context, his hourly wage is 4x what mine is. I work a lot more hours than him. Yet he refuses to help with anything in the house.

The issue is that he is very belittling. I literally can not ask him to help with anything im the house. If I do, he reminds me that he pays the rent. I am constantly told 'it's not your house' or 'i have more qualifications than you. I did not get into a relationship with someone 18 years younger for you to tell me what to do'. Today I am wfh at my desk in the bedroom. Each day he kicks me out of there so he can do 1 hour of work. Which means packing up all my things and then going back an hour later. He could work anywhere but refuses, stating 'it is my house. You go and get your own house'. He has this overwhelming power over me and I feel like im drowning in life. I am constantly on eggshells and I literally jump and get palpitations everytime he enters a room. I am constantly being put in my place and reminded I am lesser than him. He will spend his day in bed and refuses to help on the basis he has a better job than me.

This. The first step is the hardest but you need to do it at some point and you only need to do it once. I’ve done it and things turned out way better than expected. Once you know he’s abusive you can’t unknow it and in making this post and reading the responses you’ve started your journey to being free of him. He sounds disgusting. Also when you do leave him be prepared for him to act all nice and beg you to come back, say it was banter, he didn’t mean it, didn’t realise he was upsetting you so much. I really hope you manage to get you and your kids away from him.

If there ever was a clear cut abusive relationship, this is it, no doubts.

Are you able to make an appointment and get legal advice re where you stand in case of separation? Are you married?

https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

read this book (link should take you to free online version)

contact woman’s aid

dont let on to him what you are doing.

This. What a vile abusive man. Get support from Women's Aid x

You need to leave as soon as you contact Woman's Aid, register for UC tonight on line, also you can research local rentals, short term Airbnb etc. Also by staying with this b..d, you are teaching your children incorrect behaviour towards a partner/spouse.

Quietly get all birth certificates, bank statements (including his so you have proof of his income and savings before he finds out), passports, all other documentation together and put them in your car tonight if possible. You can notify schools, clubs etc later. Do as much as you can over the next few days.

Good luck: You will be far happier and so will your children.

😂😂

One thing was obvious to me after just the first sentence.

This 'man' is an arsehole!

Can you plan to leave op, you need your own home,
how long have you been together, why is he renting and why aren't you on the rental agreement ,

This must be so miserable op, you need to leave op

I don’t say this often, but LTB

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/friends-and-family/services-and-resources/
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/
https://refuge.org.uk/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
...

I like the idea, but I suspect that's easier said than done...

I sometimes feel mumsnetters are too quick to say leave the b*.

But please , believe me- I have lived in experience .(same derogatory behaviour except mine isn’t even rich!) He won’t change. Money doesn’t buy happiness. Leave him.

He’s abusive and you should leave. Hugs to you xxx

You need to play the long game. Never let your children see you angry again. Make sure they only have good memories of you. Learn not to respond when he belittles you. Play the part of the pleasant “whatever you say is right” wife. Meanwhile get your ducks in a row in secret. Think of the day you can confidently walk away to your new set-up and the look of shock that will be on his face.

The man is a pig, what is stopping you leave?
Please start planning and gathering information. You will be much better off emotionally and mentally if you leave and probably financially too. Look at entitledto to see if you can get any Universal credit and work out how much child maintenance he will have to give you

If he has hundreds of thousands in savings, why are you renting?

You need to walk away from this guy ASAP.

Oh please leave him. He is constantly belittling you. That is no way to live. How dare he!

You need to use your anger to detach and put a plan in place to leave him OP. It is possible. There was a big power imbalance in my relationship too. Because of low self esteem it took me a long time to recognise that I was putting up with stuff that I really should not have been. As DC got older, I upgraded skills, got better paying job, saved saved saved. The moment came, told him we were over, moved into a peaceful new home in 2025. It has been tough but a threshold was reached - wasn't going to put up with it any more. You can do it OP

How do your children treat you? Are they loving and respectful, or are they following suit?

If they will leave with you, then please go asap. You are a maid/housekeeper who is paying for the privilege, not getting a salary!

Sorry to ask this, but are you providing sex too? Is this also expected of you?

He's treating you like a bangmaid. Leave the bastard. Take all the stuff that you paid for with you.

Doesn’t sound like he’ll marry her! Op what was he like in the early days? Can you honestly say there were no red flags? Either way, it’s not a relationship you want your kids to think of as normal, of course you need to leave.

To answer a few questions:

• obviously he wont marry me 🤣 he always promised we would get married and buy a house. Now im mentally ill as I apparently have Anxiety disorder, personality disorder, bipolar and adhd. I have none of these.
• I assume he wont buy a house because he doesnt want to that with me. Last week our 6 year old said 'daddy said hes throwing away all his money on rent and wasting it all because of you'.
• yes we have sex. Im pathetic but because I get nothing from him; no kindness, love or affection in a warped way it makes me feel semi wanted. I know this is ridiculous. He literally summons me for sex as it helps him sleep. So he calls me in, finishes and then I leave.

This is abuse. Leave.

This is abuse. Leave.

This is abuse. Leave.

You will be happier alone, I promise you.

That's so close to rape as to make no difference, imho!!!

Leave