To give him a piece of my mind?

[DysonDyson]

My ex hasn’t seen our spoken to our children in over 2 years. I’ve heard from him sporadically in that time but he hasn’t seen or spoken to them. We last spoke in march when he contacted on their birthdays asking how they were. He didn’t respond to my last email and thats the last I’ve heard. (Nothing at Xmas) im really angry that he gets to swan off with no responsibilities as if they don’t even exist. He pays no maintenance (well £7 a week if im “lucky”) he gets to start a new life, go on holidays, date, work whenever he wants (suspect cash in hand). Meanwhile my life feels basically over. I never get a break, im exhausted and depressed. I feel like emailing him giving him a piece of my mind, even if he doesn’t reply I think it would make me feel better. Why should he get away never being called out on his bad behaviour? What do you think? One email telling him how awful he is, I probably won’t read any response if does even respond.

Yeah don't send it. Write it if you want but people like this will probably just laugh at you and might respond in a way tha makes you feel even worse.

As I said I won’t read any response

Write it but send it to yourself. Don’t give him any energy or oxygen.

Why bother? He doesn’t care what you think. He isn’t going to be unsettled by being told you think he’s the scum of the earth.

I’m sorry he’s a useless waste of space, but I’m sorrier for your dc. You will have the joy of a relationship with your DCs as your comfort.

I don’t think writing it down and sending it to myself would help in anyway (I’ve heard this said before but that doesn’t sound anyway helpful (to me anyway))

This^^

If he doesn't care enough to contact his own children at Christmas, he isn't going to care what you think of him. He doesn't respect you enough to care what your opinion of him is.

He does sound like scum though.

No. How would your dc feel to read that being their parent has made you feel like your life is over and you’re annoyed he ‘gets to swan off’ (and you don’t)
I know you wouldn’t really want to swan off and leave them or you would have done so, but if you’re not careful he could use that email against you in the future and DC would be really hurt.

its also just petty. I do get it
but You are not judge and juror responsible for telling other people they’re living wrong. and he won’t care anyway so it’s pointless
If you want to write something to get it out then do so, and then burn it.

Don’t send it. Wait twenty years and look at him, lonely with none of his children there to give a sit about him, and then look at your own lovely family with adult children who live and appreciate you.

You are the winner in this, even if if you have to wait for it. The time will come when you are free to go on holiday and Sean about wherever you want, but you will have your children in your life too.

I won’t go into detail but yes my life is basically over.

This. Mine was the same. Didn't see them, didn't pay (and there were five of them). I never got a night's sleep or a holiday or even a weekend away for YEARS. But now they see him for who he is and I am the person they come to visit or tell their news to.

It's pointless emailing him to tell him what he already knows and he literally will not care at all. He might just give a smile at how much you are struggling (because of course you needed him really). So just don't.

I’d write it op and get it all off your chest. Then put it away and make a note to read in three or four months time. Then either burn it or send it! Or send a much more summarised brief version. It will all help you process the justifiable disappointment and anger you feel about this wastrel of a man.

Most women feel rage I think at the double standards around parenting and the higher standards and expectations put on women! If a woman abandons her dc she is universally condemned but men do it every week more or less without comment! It’s outrageous!

The same with financial abandonment when you think how many single mothers struggle on being both parents at once and sole financial provider! And yet society looks down on them as though it’s their fault and they are somehow lesser in status. The men get off the hook without blame!

It’s all wrong and incomprehensible imho!

If he wasn't abusive then yes send it. It might make him give you more support, which would benefit you and the kids. Especially if he is well able to support himself, have luxuries etc. if he is properly struggling himself though on the other hand, it could be easier just to carry on yourself

I don’t want to write it and not send it that won’t help me unfortunately

Keep your dignity.

Single parenthood is hard (I should know) but it's always preferable to not living with my kids.

He doesn't care what you and the kids think of him so don't waste your energy.

It’s not preferable to having support of the father (not for me anyway) I don’t see why he should get away with thinking it’s ok and I’m “doing just fine” he should know he has left his kids to suffer?

You'd rather they lived with him permanently?

Is that what you mean by it's not preferable?

Basically, he doesn't want to take care of his kids and you can't force him to whether you send the email or not.

And FWIW I don't believe you wouldn't read the reply (which could be very damaging) at some point.

Keep your dignity and let it go.

Fair enough, it’s just a suggestion. I suspect it would help because from what you have described, he is not going to change, so the only way to bot feel constantly upset is to process and work through your own feelings and response to this very unfair situation, but each to their own.

Not permanently but there is an in between

The risk is you may give him enjoyment! He may like knowing you are struggling. You telling him you think he’s scum isn’t suddenly going to give him an epiphany tha he’s been awful and make him change. He likes who he is.
Head up high, no interaction with him unless absolutely necessary is the best way. Don’t give him any power.

Sadly a lot of us are speaking with experience.

I’ll go against the grain and say send it. What’s the worst that can happen? You need to get this off your chest and if he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care.

I wouldn’t sent that, but I would make sure people who knew him knew. It’s the thing I hate the most about my dad and his wife, it was all before social media and everyone in their life thinks they are lovely people.

if I were a teenager now I’d make sure nobody liken them, she’s a public figure ffs

He will just say you are unstable and being dramatic. Have you met men?

Sorry, but there is no way a telling off from the ex is going to make him hang his head in shame the way you want him to. He will rewrite history to make you the bad guy.

Should he be able to get away with doing nothing for his kids though? No he should not. It would be nice if there was a better system.

If you don't want his support as well, what if it did make him change his ways and he suddenly wanted more time with the kids? Would you want that?

I am not in contact with anyone that knows him.

Are they suffering?
Your life is not over, kids don't stay kids for long. They grow up and know who was there and who wasn't.

If it's not the life for you, then tell ex you're handing over custody to him and he's to come and collect them.

I want him to know im struggling. I don’t want him thinking im living it up.