To give him a piece of my mind?

[DysonDyson]

My ex hasn’t seen our spoken to our children in over 2 years. I’ve heard from him sporadically in that time but he hasn’t seen or spoken to them. We last spoke in march when he contacted on their birthdays asking how they were. He didn’t respond to my last email and thats the last I’ve heard. (Nothing at Xmas) im really angry that he gets to swan off with no responsibilities as if they don’t even exist. He pays no maintenance (well £7 a week if im “lucky”) he gets to start a new life, go on holidays, date, work whenever he wants (suspect cash in hand). Meanwhile my life feels basically over. I never get a break, im exhausted and depressed. I feel like emailing him giving him a piece of my mind, even if he doesn’t reply I think it would make me feel better. Why should he get away never being called out on his bad behaviour? What do you think? One email telling him how awful he is, I probably won’t read any response if does even respond.

Just write a burn letter and trash it.

If you send him a written tirade, guess what he's got? Written proof how mean you are and he can paint you as the mean, crazy ex. Don't give him anything he can ever use against you.

Besides, he won't care and it won't affect his day one bit. Stop wasting any more time on this deadbeat.

I'm guessing one or both are disabled

What makes you guess that?

OP I understand, same situation.

Try to tell us how and why you’re all suffering. It might help you to get it down here first.

My daughter’s father was like this and has been her whole life, she is now an adult and he hasn’t seen her for 18 years now. After putting up with it for the first three years I explained how I felt to a family solicitor, she wrote a professional letter offering regular contact with no restrictions, encouraging a relationship with his daughter.

I felt I had done my best he could never argue he was allowed contact and we never heard a thing, he did pay maintenance but that was because he had no choice via work.

Its frustrating and sad and angry but as my daughter got older we have the best relationship and she feels she knows no different and has no desire to contact him even though I’ve made it clear it’s her choice and I’ll support her decision either way.

The exhaustion and frustration does get better.

I’m not really looking for parenting advice I know people mean well just it just doesn’t help. Yes the other poster was right my children are disabled so no it won’t be getting easier and they will not be moving out and having their own lives I will likely be a carer for them for the rest of my life.

If your children are suffering from, say, lack of funds to do after school clubs, school trips, or for clothing and medical care, send him a completely factual account of what his children cannot do because he has walked away from the family.

the key thing is to make it all about them. Don't mention anything about you that he might gain satisfaction from.

talk only about what is happening in their lives. Keep it factual and don't be tempted to manipulate or exaggerate. He will not feel any sense of satisfaction that his children are suffering. He may rub his hands with glee if you say how it's affecting you. Unfortunately that's how bastards like him work I'm afraid.

be prepared for him not to react the way you expect, remember you want to send this as a cathartic release, for you to get the frustration off your chest, so even if he do absolutely nothing, that doesn't matter because you expect less than the minimum from him as he's pondlife.

I see. That is very tough. I’m sorry OP.

It's completely shit that dead-beats like that get to walk away without any consequences.

Meanwhile you are left holding the babies and, as you say, it's bleak, depressing, thankless, REALLY hard, and totally unfair. You don't get a break, you can't build a meaningful career because you have no choice other than to put your kids first. The list goes on and on.

There were days when I had to just shut myself in the bathroom and cry because I was so fucking angry.

I hear you.

Because I have a disabled child and this is exactly how I would feel in ops situation.

You can’t control him

I think that you probably could do with some support - are there any charities etc that could help you? I get that you are angry with him but writing him the email won’t change anything. What can you do to change things for yourself?

Write it and send it if you want to. I hope it does make you feel better. But don't be surprised if he doesn't give a shit or is even glad to hear that you are struggling. If he was a decent man, he'd make an effort to have a relationship with his children - the fact that he's not bothered just means he's an arsehole. And an arsehole isn't going to care what you feel or think of him.

I don’t want social services involved. That will not help me. That would make me far more stressed. Im not aware of any charities sadly.

He doesnt care about your suffering. He doesnt care about your kids suffering. Sending the email won't impact him at all. Anyway that can fuck off, not see his kids and steal from them, because that's what working cash in hand and no pay CM is its robbing your own kids, has no moral compass. If you think it will make you feel better then do it but remember that anything you write down will be used against you later even if it's true.

Oh, bless you. My partner left me a few months ago and hasnt bothered with our child (baby, really) since (a massive shock) and I do completely get that desire to pour it all out. Maybe you can say the thing he needs to hear, maybe you can show him what hes missing, maybe you can say the right thing that changes it all. Ive wanted to many times and its only been 4 months so I cant imagine how you are feeling. I also completely understand that of course you'd rather be the involved parent than him, but there is (or should be) a middle ground.

If it'll truly make yourself feel better and you wont read a response (though I doubt he'd reply) then I wont tell you to not do that. Honestly though, he doesnt care. He knows, of course he does, how hard it is, thats why hes disappeared, because it is hard.

I'm sorry life is shit, I hope it wont always be as shit. Single parenthood is relentless and exhausting, of course its rewarding, but that doesnt take away from how exhausting it is!

My ex left me, and moved to another country and I haven't heard from him since. Nor has my son and that was 11 years ago. I've been there, done it. Don't send the email to him - it shows him you are struggling and what is he going to do about that = he'll laugh and say tough. It won't help.

Thanks all. I think I will take the advice of writing it then seeing if I still want to send it in a few days.

My friends ex hasn't seen or spoken to their kids in 25 years. Those kids he left have kids themselves now. Never paid a cent for them since leaving.

My.aunt left her husband and young kids and only reconnected with the girls when the youngest was 35.

It seems to happen regularly enough. Kind of wish mine had just disappeared..

I would not send that letter, mainly because what you wrote he already knows, he just doesn't care so he's probably going to trash it half way through it and laugh. It will probably make him feel powerful and relevant to know that after so much time he still has all this power over you. The letter will be an ego boost to him.

Instead i would concentrate all my energy in taking this man to court and demand he financially supports HIS child. Your child wellbeing is more important than the ego boost of one up-manship this will give you.

I say send it. Those who are saying it'll give him the satisfaction...the satisfaction of what? I don't know many people, even deadbeat dads, that enjoy being told how shit they are. He's probably told himself a story about how it's all fine. So yeah, tell him it's not. At all.

Exactly this! He probably sleeps at night telling himself the kids are fine and it’s ok what he’s done because I will just pick up the pieces. He shouldn’t think it’s fine.

How? He doesn’t work and pays £7 a week how can I make him pay more? I suspect he does cash in hand as he hasn’t worked in nearly a decade but I have zero proof of this. I wouldn’t get anywhere without proof

How will sending it to him help you? Especially if you don't read the reply?

Your life isn't over, your children will grow up in just a few years really and then you will be free to do exactly as you like.

He sleeps at night because he doesn't give a shit and nothing you say is going to change that.

He goes to sleep without giving them a second thought