To give him a piece of my mind?

[DysonDyson]

My ex hasn’t seen our spoken to our children in over 2 years. I’ve heard from him sporadically in that time but he hasn’t seen or spoken to them. We last spoke in march when he contacted on their birthdays asking how they were. He didn’t respond to my last email and thats the last I’ve heard. (Nothing at Xmas) im really angry that he gets to swan off with no responsibilities as if they don’t even exist. He pays no maintenance (well £7 a week if im “lucky”) he gets to start a new life, go on holidays, date, work whenever he wants (suspect cash in hand). Meanwhile my life feels basically over. I never get a break, im exhausted and depressed. I feel like emailing him giving him a piece of my mind, even if he doesn’t reply I think it would make me feel better. Why should he get away never being called out on his bad behaviour? What do you think? One email telling him how awful he is, I probably won’t read any response if does even respond.

Thanks.

You won’t be able to stop yourself.

Write it if you must, but don’t send it to him. Send it to your best mate or your mum, or another person. Anyone but him!!!

Don't send it, OP. Never say out loud - and especially don't put anything in writing - that you wouldn't be happy to have repeated in court one day. And yes, you probably would be delighted for a court to recognise with an arsehole your ex is, but that won't be the way it goes. You'll be painted as 'aggressive', 'unhinged', 'a poor role model' and whatever other insults people see fit to put you back in your box. He already knows you're not living the dream; he just doesn't care. You can't change that.

He won’t be going to court. I have no doubt about that.

I disagree and would send it to him . I've done this with my X 's wife who was horrible to my children . I felt so much better .!

Look: she wants to write snd send it. So let her. She will be no worse off for doing it. She might feel worse, she might feel better, but she will get over both those feelings eventually.

She is already angry and humiliated. His imagined feelings when he gets this imagined note won’t change the reality. But OP feels she eill have “had her say” and sometimes that is important .

I think that if every abandoned woman on mumsnet snd in the UK banded together and demanded absent fathers be assessed a higher cost per child for each abandoned child that (costs to include childcare plus clothing and food) things would improve. At tax time I think all men with non resident children who can’t show they have paid X /100 of their income for those children should be assessed a tax penalty like the AMT (alternative minimum tax) assessed for large corporations. 7 pounds or nothing is absurd. It costs more to keep a dog.

I so want to ask who she is but know full well it’s wrong to ask that of you.

The people that matter in your life know the truth & at the end of the day that’s all that really matters.

It would be tempting to put up some posters around where they live…..oh the shame but I am being petty I know. You don’t need to stoop so low just live your best life & keep them at arms length.

No there isn't, not with him.

He's made that perfectly clear, hasn't he?

I was the same as you. My ex walked away from all four of his children - 2 dsds, my son and a daughter that we subsequently found out that he had two years later. Nobody has seen him in over 12 years. I was skint and struggling, we only went on holiday because my mum took us and it was hard. My son is now 25, his sisters are 39, 35 and 15. He is the one who has missed out. He has 5 grandchildren that he will never know, they call other people grandad. I worked hard in my career and am comfortable, I can help out my son when he needs it and don’t have to worry about money - I did that on my own. So many times, I wanted to bump into him on the street and give him a real dressing down. It never happened and I don’t think it would have helped. Write the email but leave it in your drafts. Give it a week or so and then go back and read it, if you still feel that you want to send it then send it but let it sit for a while.

He can have other children though? I so want to believe he will end up sad and lonely but men can go on fathering more children im surprised he hasn’t already

Yes they are suffering we all are. If they weren’t and were thriving I wouldn’t want to send anything.

Sending it isn't going to stop you all suffering, is it?

The kids aren't going to suffer any less if you tell them 'Mummy sent daddy an email telling him off'.

Where did I say I would mention it to them?

I didn't say you did?

You said you wouldn't send it if they weren't suffering.

I'm pointing out that sending it isn't going to make them suffer any less.

It would make me feel better.

Hey - I’ve been there. Write it down, sleep on it and see how you feel about it tomorrow. Most of the time, I haven’t bothered as it’s pointless and they won’t want to hear what you have to say. They know they’re useless already.

It's a pity that there is no national register of deadbeat dads, which could be consulted on a need-to-know basis.

It should just be published. Regularly.

Some women would still have babies with them, believing they can change.

'They just haven't met the right woman' 🙄

He's horrid.

You telling him you're suffering will probably give him a perverse joy.

If you need to send it, send it. But make sure you won't regret it months/years down the line.

He deserves to know the suffering he has caused.

He already does.

He knows, I'm guessing one or both are disabled, he knows you've been landed with a life sentence, he just doesn't care op, he is selfish and doesn't want to deal with his responsibilities and to him you are the loser he is the winner because he didn't get left with the children.

You can email him but he already knows and he doesn't and will never care, ever.

Doubt it tbh, he honestly is very oblivious, he didn’t even realise that the kids would be bothered about seeing him and seemed to be surprised they actually care if he didn’t show up or went months without seeing them. He seemed to be confused why this would bother them.

There should be a Register of Errant and Non Contributory Parents and it should be published in full every year, say 1 January. This would provide any future partners with information as to how that person is involved with existing children, so that they can make the decision to procreate or not with a prospective parent.