Help - perfect first date and then...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

So 11 years ago my ex gave me herpes (HSV1 - same strain as the cold sores you get on your face). He still claims not to have it but pretty sure he's in denial, I know it can be dormant but the same has happened to another person I know just after sleeping with him (we didn't know each other at the time). I take antiviral medication every day and am very very vigilant about noticing symptoms, etc. I also use condoms with a new partner until we have both been tested - TMI but my outbreaks tend to appear around my bum area so a condom wouldn't cover the skin here - it's not somewhere that you'd rub up against during sex though really.

I've had partners in that time, including two serious relationships, and have always disclosed in advance of anything sexual happening - none of my exes have had any problems and they haven't caught it from me. The current advice now is actually you don't need to disclose given so many people are carriers already and most of them will never know as they'll never get symptoms - however, I wasn't given that opportunity to make an informed consent decision so I'll still continue to do so.

So yesterday I had my first date in a long while (Tinder). He was absolutely lovely and it turned into one of those dates where a coffee turned into lunch turned into a glass of wine. After he got home he said how much fun he'd had and made a bit of a joke about 'why are you single you must have some dealbreakers going on' (it was genuinely jokingly). So I thought ok go for it - I'll tell him. I know some will say it's too soon but it's easier for me if there aren't feelings developing. At first he basically said thanks for telling me but I can't deal with that - then realised he'd misread the stats I sent.

He admitted he didn't know much about it and needed to go away and have a think, but thanked me again, said we'd talk soon, and said I was absolutely gorgeous. I've said I completely understand and will gladly answer any questions - we had already arranged a date for Friday so I also said I'd still like to see him then. But obviously I feel a bit shit really.

Any advice on how to approach the situation? I genuinely don't think he's totally done but more he's not had any experience/knowledge of HSV. I don't want to write this off just yet but I'll be a bit downhearted if he decides he doesn't want to see me again...

It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel bad about it, but also he's allowed to decide that he doesn't want that in his life, and him not wanting it is not a reflection on you.

I think you just need to wait and see where his thinking takes him.

FWIW I agree with your perspective and think people should allow others to have informed consent, so at least take comfort in being a thoroughly decent person and having done the right thing.

I think it was too much too soon for a first date unfortunately. I appreciate you being honest about your health situation but I wouldn't be surprised if he felt this was inappropriate to discuss so soon.

No advice, unfortunately. I feel for you. My abusive ex husband gave me HSV2 (genital herpes) and I'm devastated. So, I'm invested in your thread. I'm sure you'll get some wise counsel from fellow Mumsnetters.

I would leaders ball in his court now. You’ve been honest and open with him but he’s allowed to decide this is a dealbreaker for him.

Maybe drop him a message in a couple of days asking if you’re still on for Friday and see if you get a response. He probably genuinely needs time to think.

I think you have already approached the situation, it’s now up to him to decide if he wants to deal with it.

Just updating to add that I actually have it listed in my Tinder bio - just shows he didn't bloody read it! We've been talking for about a month before we met as I was out of the country for a while and then it was Christmas

What? A huge amount of people have cold sores, no one ever "disclosed" it to me unless they have an active infection, and neither did I. Is this a thing?

According to the world health organisation, 67% of adults have HSV-1. (Figure from 2015, it seems. I just checked)

I don't understand. It's just the cold sore virus from on your face but you get it around your bum? So you have genital herpes. That is going to put a lot of people off unfortunately. I think I read somewhere that there is a dating site or app for people that have it. Maybe that's something to think about.

I get cold sores but hardly ever, and just on my lips.

@whatwouldlilacerullodo It's not on my face, but yes it's cold sores

@KitsyWitsy it's the same virus - it's just highly stigmatised when it's not on your face. You avoid kissing someone with a facial cold sore, so you avoid sex with someone with a genital one.

Oh and an additional stat is 90% of people who have HSV genitally will never know about it as they won't ever get symptoms.

OP, kindly, you have genital herpes. As I do.

I am well aware of that, thanks. However, specifying the strain was to highlight that 70% of the world's population have HSV1 in either oral or genital format, and 90% of those people will never know.

Yes, but there's a massive difference between them!

There really isn't, it's literally the same virus, and behaves in exactly the same way, just in a different part of the body. Personally I'd rather mine stayed hidden from view rather than being on my face where everyone can see it.

I'm guessing you mean that one has been massively stigmatised yet the other is seen as 'normal'? That's the difference isn't it?

Yes - sadly. HSV1 (Coldsores mainly and very common. Perhaps not so upsetting) and
HSV 2 - genital herpes.

God knows I'd rather not know about all this. :-(

@LapisBlue I have HSV1 but genitally - it is the same virus

To be fair op you have mixed your stats up to inc oral herpes. Genital herpes of either strain is 10-20 percent of the population. I think it’s fair to tell people although I’m not sure writing you’ve genital herpes on your tinder profile is a good idea, unless you’ve tried to down play it as oral. The fact it’s the same strain is fairly irrelevant.

You sound lovely OP, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. No real advice, but all I'd say is the fact you've had partners since catching it shows it won't be a dealbreaker for the right person. It might be disappointing if it's a dealbreaker for this particular person, but ultimately there's nothing you can do to really change it. It's brave of you to be so open about it knowing that it might put people off, but as cliched as it probably sounds, it won't for Mr Right. Good luck!

Sadly it appears the ones who were fine with it have turned out to be the cheating arseholes with more red flags than communist China and more baggage than Kings X lost luggage! So far this one seems lovely and without flags or baggage. He has been in a very long-term relationship for most of his adult life so think it's just not something he's had to come across - I'm just hoping against hope that once he's done some reading up he will see that it is very easily managed (although I do wish he'd asked me the questions rather than looking online as there's so much misinformation out there!)

Regardless though, up to 90% of those people will never even know they have it as they won't get symptoms yet there is still an (albeit very small) chance it can be passed on. Plus with it not being tested for as part of a standard screen. It just feels so disheartening that by being honest I might have jeopardised things for myself, when so many people out there don't know they have it, or do know and don't disclose.

Someone else apart from me will, I hope, join this thread to tell you as gently as possible that you have HSV2 - the more "serious" or stigmatised type of herpes.

It is, unfortunately, possible to have both HSV 1 and HSV2.

I'll bow out now. I wish you all the best with your new chappie x

It's 100% possible to have HSV1 genitally and not have HSV2 at all

I have genital herpes and caught it years ago when I was 21 years old. I knew nothing about it. I am now 63. When I found out what it was the stigma itself destroyed me mentally. I ended up in a very abusive relationship where I had told the guy and felt no one would ever have me. Felt I deserved everything I got. I struggled with the impact of this for years. The stigma was the thing for me. The shame, guilt for sleeping with someone at 21!. I then learned about it, worked for the HVA support and took heart wrenching calls, people suicidal and thought this is virus but because it is associated with sex you are bad. Had several relationships always disclosed it and now with my partner 28 years. Sorry this is long but that's my story so please stop judging people. I know it's hard but if you ever had sex it could have been you. Thanks

Not sure why people are trying to insist you have hsv2 when you’ve clearly stated it’s hsv1 on your genitals. That’s perfectly possible.

I probably wouldn’t declare on date 1, but when its getting close to intimacy. Far easier to walk away on date 1.