Help - perfect first date and then...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

So 11 years ago my ex gave me herpes (HSV1 - same strain as the cold sores you get on your face). He still claims not to have it but pretty sure he's in denial, I know it can be dormant but the same has happened to another person I know just after sleeping with him (we didn't know each other at the time). I take antiviral medication every day and am very very vigilant about noticing symptoms, etc. I also use condoms with a new partner until we have both been tested - TMI but my outbreaks tend to appear around my bum area so a condom wouldn't cover the skin here - it's not somewhere that you'd rub up against during sex though really.

I've had partners in that time, including two serious relationships, and have always disclosed in advance of anything sexual happening - none of my exes have had any problems and they haven't caught it from me. The current advice now is actually you don't need to disclose given so many people are carriers already and most of them will never know as they'll never get symptoms - however, I wasn't given that opportunity to make an informed consent decision so I'll still continue to do so.

So yesterday I had my first date in a long while (Tinder). He was absolutely lovely and it turned into one of those dates where a coffee turned into lunch turned into a glass of wine. After he got home he said how much fun he'd had and made a bit of a joke about 'why are you single you must have some dealbreakers going on' (it was genuinely jokingly). So I thought ok go for it - I'll tell him. I know some will say it's too soon but it's easier for me if there aren't feelings developing. At first he basically said thanks for telling me but I can't deal with that - then realised he'd misread the stats I sent.

He admitted he didn't know much about it and needed to go away and have a think, but thanked me again, said we'd talk soon, and said I was absolutely gorgeous. I've said I completely understand and will gladly answer any questions - we had already arranged a date for Friday so I also said I'd still like to see him then. But obviously I feel a bit shit really.

Any advice on how to approach the situation? I genuinely don't think he's totally done but more he's not had any experience/knowledge of HSV. I don't want to write this off just yet but I'll be a bit downhearted if he decides he doesn't want to see me again...

I never said not to disclose it .Quite the opposite in fact.

I said don't put it on an OLD profile and don't divulge it on the first date unless you're having sex on that date.

I don’t understand why you have disclosed it, unless you have frequent outbreaks?

I had HSV blisters when I was 18, I am now 45 and have had one blister since then and have never disclosed it to any partner I have been in a relationship with, nor have I ever passed it on to anyone?

I've always disclosed due to the risk of asymptomatic shedding - ok it's a very small risk but I think it's still important to let my partner make the decision I couldn't. What would you have done if you had passed it on? Said 'oh yeah sorry, I do have it but didn't bother telling you...'

There’s a risk regarding people who it doesn’t bother that they are a bit lacking in care about stuff like that generally which is concerning in itself.
People who don’t have it and have never had it on their radar are likely to be put off due to lack of knowledge/stigma.
You need to find a nice guy who either has it themselves or has a good level of awareness of it so it’s not an issue but they are understanding of the need to be careful around sex and passing it on.
I wouldn’t have it on your tinder profile and I wouldn’t drop it on first date. But I’d talk about it a couple dates in probably face to face so you can answer any questions

The majority of posters think you should tell at some point but you seem to be missing the point that timing is important.

It's not something to put on an online dating profile.

Hard to see why you think that is appropriate.

Nor is telling a man on a first date.

Have a re-think?

At the end of the day op, it's his choice if he wants to date someone with genital herpes, not yours. You cant get annoyed with him - if you didn't think it was a big deal you wouldn't be announcing it on your tinder profile and disclosing your diagnosis to him on a first date (which may have caught him off guard)!

You made the choice to disclose so that he can give consent - if that means he doesn't wish to continue dating then that's him making his own decision which is what you wanted.

Also - you sound a little judgmental about the whole 'I'd rather have herpes on my arse instead of my face where everyone sees them'. I have hsv1 on my face that only Flares with extreme stress and yes I'm Self conscious - but you seem a bit too eager to dump your own statistics and judgements here, maybe consider why, you don't need to prove anything to others 🤷

I think it's admirable that you are honest about your HSV1 status and I hope that his reaction doesn't stop your honesty and transparency.
I would not chat for a month with someone I had not met and I would ask people who DM if they saw that you have HSV1. I would also not go on a long first date even if it was fun. It's too much and too intense too soon.
I would also not send them info on HSV1, because things can be misunderstood and makes your conversation too medical and fornal, the research is his responsibility because you could send him info that he misunderstands and then blames you for it so let him Google if he wants to. Some people know about HSV1 perfectly well and they still don't to risk it. Not every rejection is ignorance of the virus.

As for what to do now I say do nothing. It sounds like the Friday is not on. Continue putting it on your bio/stats page or profile and double check when they message you if they are aware you have it.

I think you seem to be missing the point here, not the OP ffs....

Shes not asking for advice about the virus, or disclosure or what you had for breakfast....shes asking for advice on next steps and how to follow up.

You banging on about when/how/what to disclose is not only locking the gate after the horse has bolted, but going into great detail on how the horse would have had a fantastic life, endured great hardship and how the perspective gate closer is now a mass horse murderer and bad person.

Unless youre deliberately trying to make the OP feel even shitter about the situation?

OP, I think you have been massively brave and super responsible. I hope it pays off for you. However i suppose, should this be a dealbreaker, it only demonstrates your difference in values and thinking, which would only come to light in various guises further into the relationship.

Good luck OP

There's a lot of misinfo about hsv, I knew someone like you that got hsv1 genitally through oral sex. It's not as common a transmission but it happens.

As for how to follow up, you left the ball in his court so I'd say just wait it out. If he doesn't get in touch by Friday, that's probably your answer.

In future I'd probably be inclined to wait slightly longer. I know you want to avoid feelings, but maybe date 2 or when there's a suggestion of 'staying over'....I always felt date 1 was more of a basic meet and greet than a proper date, you don't even know if you both fancy each other irl at that point.

Please have a look at the post I was responding to which was questioning why I had disclosed at all given that they never have. Also, as I've said repeatedly, the point of my post is to ask what I should do next, I can't change the way that it's happened this time.

If it was me OP and you haven’t heard from him, I’d probably send one more text to reduce the enormity of how he has understandably taken it.

The crux of this is that you are a carrier of the cold sore virus, as are many people, and you wanted to be upfront about that. Asymptomatic shedding becomes less and less the longer you don’t have an outbreak.

My ex husband had regular cold sores but I didn’t think anything of this and clearly neither does his new wife!

I know it doesn’t help in this situation but I think you’re being a little harsh on yourself by disclosing this so early. Let things develop and then talk about it, but I accept that won’t help in this scenario.

One more contact and then I think you have to accept he doesn’t want to be involved with this

Please don’t text him again op. Never chase or beg, and certainly not in this scenario, keep hold of your dignity.

andto this poster, she has genital herpes. Yes it is the same virus as cold sores on the face, but it is still genital herpes. Some will be ok with it. If he is not then she needs to accept this, not downplay it and chase him.

@Charlenedickens so does the poster you are replying to, who has never disclosed to anyone.

@Greenisthenewyellow unfortunately I do still get outbreaks now and again despite taking the medication. Usually when life gets incredibly stressful which sadly for me it often is!

Op, honestly you’ve done nothing wrong, it is what it is, but people have the right to not wish to date you due to it. If this one’s a no, just move on.

Not all strains of HPV cause cancer. Only a few do. Some cause nothing, some cause warts. But not cancer. So it's very different to genital HSV.

The most common type does.
This is why teenage girls are now vaccinated and hopefully young boys will be, on the NHS.

It's a statement of fact, not a 'revelation' - comments like this are incredibly unhelpful. He clearly did also read my profile as he commented on other things, so not sure how he missed it but it was definitely there. - not as herpes but as HSV, which any normal person would surely google if they didn't know what it was.

Normally I'm not in favor of reaching out to the guy as if they are interested you will know it but this case is different. He clearly is or was so I would. Something breezy. Also I know you don't want to hear it but don't disclose until sex is a possibility, that way they have a chance to get to know you and they are more invested.

Thanks - it's not that I don't want to hear it, more that I know I've royally fucked up this time round! I'm very sensitive to rejection in general so I guess I was trigger happy putting my cards on the table straight off just in case...

That's what I think I'll do, maybe wait until mid week. I'm normally not one to double text etc either but his last couple of messages did say 'you're gorgeous' and 'speak soon'...

You asked what to do now. I would absolutely NOT contact him again. Leave the ball in his court.

Honestly, it sounds like he already gave you his answer when he said he couldn't deal with it. You should have just taken that as the end of it. He may come back to you - but I doubt it. Put it down to experience, and move on.

In future, I think this is something to bring up when you're actually getting close to having sex with someone. When you might naturally be talking about, e.g. when did you last have a check for STDs. (Which you definitely should discuss before starting a sexual relationship!) At that point, it would be natural to bring up HSV and any other issues. I really don't think you need to tell anyone before this point.

IDK what the most common type is but I think 16 and 18 are the cancer ones. It's great that kids are having the vaccines. I think they have been doing boys as well now for a while? Shame they didn't have it back when we were young.

He then came back after that and realised he had read the risk factor wrong (by a multiple of about 100 times more than he thought it was)

Ah so is he back in contact 🤞🏻