Help - perfect first date and then...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

So 11 years ago my ex gave me herpes (HSV1 - same strain as the cold sores you get on your face). He still claims not to have it but pretty sure he's in denial, I know it can be dormant but the same has happened to another person I know just after sleeping with him (we didn't know each other at the time). I take antiviral medication every day and am very very vigilant about noticing symptoms, etc. I also use condoms with a new partner until we have both been tested - TMI but my outbreaks tend to appear around my bum area so a condom wouldn't cover the skin here - it's not somewhere that you'd rub up against during sex though really.

I've had partners in that time, including two serious relationships, and have always disclosed in advance of anything sexual happening - none of my exes have had any problems and they haven't caught it from me. The current advice now is actually you don't need to disclose given so many people are carriers already and most of them will never know as they'll never get symptoms - however, I wasn't given that opportunity to make an informed consent decision so I'll still continue to do so.

So yesterday I had my first date in a long while (Tinder). He was absolutely lovely and it turned into one of those dates where a coffee turned into lunch turned into a glass of wine. After he got home he said how much fun he'd had and made a bit of a joke about 'why are you single you must have some dealbreakers going on' (it was genuinely jokingly). So I thought ok go for it - I'll tell him. I know some will say it's too soon but it's easier for me if there aren't feelings developing. At first he basically said thanks for telling me but I can't deal with that - then realised he'd misread the stats I sent.

He admitted he didn't know much about it and needed to go away and have a think, but thanked me again, said we'd talk soon, and said I was absolutely gorgeous. I've said I completely understand and will gladly answer any questions - we had already arranged a date for Friday so I also said I'd still like to see him then. But obviously I feel a bit shit really.

Any advice on how to approach the situation? I genuinely don't think he's totally done but more he's not had any experience/knowledge of HSV. I don't want to write this off just yet but I'll be a bit downhearted if he decides he doesn't want to see me again...

Sorry no that was part of our initial discussion - I've not worded it well. He first said he couldn't deal with it, then said actually he'd completely misunderstood the level of risk to him, but could he have more time and he would speak to me soon...

I think you should always disclose as it can be fatal to someone immunocompromised. They should also divulge that as well. So I think you are doing the right thing. It would be far worse I think to find out three dates in when you are more invested. It sounds as if he does not know much about it and is taking time to see what it is. That isn't really a bad thing. Maybe it shows he is looking for something more than a quick shag and dash.

I don't think you have to be too hard on yourself for the timing. He was going to have to process it at whatever stage you told him. Maybe he would be more invested if you had left it longer which might influence his thought process, or maybe not. Maybe he might even think why he wasn't told earlier before becoming invested. It's impossible to know or change.
But the last message was that he would get back to you so I think you have to take him at his word and wait. Friday is the cut off because you had firm plans. If he hasn't contacted you before then, then you have your answer. From what you have posted it seems likely he will contact you with his thoughts on it. I don't think you should do anything at this stage.

Well then definitely DO NOT contact him. He's asked for time and will contact you when he's ready. If he doesn't get in touch, that's also an answer. Your messaging first won't persuade him to change his mind if he's not interested, but it might put him off if he's still considering.

As a fellow autistic woman, I totally get why you told him when you did. I have a strong need to be compulsively honest, which can make early relationships tricky! I've always been super worried about STIs (I have OCD too..) but I dated a guy who had HSV-2, and decided to continue seeing him and have sex with him after he disclosed. He did wait till we'd been seeing each other a few weeks and were clearly heading towards sex, and I really appreciated him telling me as we were walking him to station so I had time to think about it and research it in my own time. I pretty much decided that there were plenty of men who might have it but weren't aware and weren't disclosing, so I was in a way safer with someone who was hyper aware of his symptoms, and insisted on condoms rather than trying to find excuses not to wear them (like pretty much all other men I dated.) As far as I know, I was never infected.
I think just give him time to process. He's clearly still interested. Good luck!

OP, I wouldn’t contact him, just leave it and see if he gets back in touch. He may not, unfortunately that is pretty common and it happens for lots of reasons so might not be because of the infection.

I also think that you should do yourself a favour and remove that info from the bio. When I’ve done OLD I’ve often come across people I recognise from work or the school run and will always have a nose at their profile, even though I have no intention of ‘liking’ or messaging them. That information is personal and something to disclose if you meet someone and want to take things further.

Quick update - I messaged him last night to see if he was still wanting to meet on Friday, just a short breezy message. Absolutely no reply. I think it tells me everything I need to know when the last I heard from him was 'speak soon' - when he could have just been honest and upfront instead of then basically ghosting 🙄

Speak soon is a term that many people use when they have no intention of seeing anyone ever again.
It's a short hand version of 'goodbye'.
It means nothing. A bit like ' we must do lunch' and it never happens
It's a cop out.

I'm sorry you're disappointed but really, read the wall and don't pursue a man who isn't pursuing you.

And no sooner had I typed my update than I got a message...

"Hey, I had a great time on Saturday but this just changes the way I feel now I'm sorry. Good luck with everything [my name] you're a lovely person x"

I guess I'm just disappointed as I never meet any of the good guys - the not so good guys are the ones who don't see it as a deal breaker 😐

I don't think I would have disclosed it until I was on the brink of a sexual relationship developing.

From a bit of research, you have HSV 1 which is less transmissible, you're taking antiviral medication which also reduces risks of spreading. Under these condition and if you made sure you didn't currently or recently have any active symptoms and you used a condom, the chances of passing this on would be extremely rare by the looks of things.

Putting it on your dating profile and disclosing it before someone's had a chance to even get to know is way unfair on you in my opinion.

I don't have herpes, I don't even get cold sores on my face luckily and never have. I wouldn't expect someone to disclose after a first date that they had herpes as I think the risk is disproportionate the the ethical obligation to declare. Before sex yes disclose but make them aware that the risk of spreading is low.

Honestly, OP, he does sound like a decent person (although who really knows at this stage of things) but I agree with pp that you shared too much too soon. I commented earlier that this is a conversation best left until it comes up naturally, i.e. when discussing having sex imminently. By that point, you know each other a bit more, you are invested to a certain extent, and the conversation makes sense. It's of course still possible that the other person decides they don't want to take the risk, but I'd say it's more likely at that stage that they'll be able to put the risk into perspective and - importantly - trust you when you tell them you're not having an outbreak, you are taking the meds, and that you do care about their sexual health.

When you tell someone on the first date, they just don't have enough invested in the relationship. They are likely to see it as a red flag or a complication that they don't need in their life. They haven't got anything much on the credit side to outweigh this 'debit'.

Also, and maybe this isn't the case here, but I do think if a man told me he had herpes on our first date (or even before!) I would think it was a bit presumptuous of him. Is he assuming I want to sleep with him? Is it such a big part of his life that he must tell me immediately? Is he focused mainly on sex? If he's telling me this now, when we're basically strangers, what might I find out when we're actually friends? You can see how it raises certain questions and concerns in a person's mind that really don't need to be there.

OP, I'm so sorry but if I'd been your date I'm afraid I would have done the same. Remember, I'm the poster who also has genital herpes.

Why do I say this? Because unless you know about this condition it seems scary. An STI. Dirty, even. An unknown person you don't yet know, while at the same time there are plenty of other fish in the sea...

You shared this news after he "couldn't understand" why you were single. Didn't you recognise this would put him off?

People simply don't understand. about herpes. And why should they? It's not on their radar.

It's not fair. I'm 62 years old: divorced, a traumatised survivor of domestic abuse. Whose utterly horrible husband gave her herpes.

Don't end up like me. Remove your HSV status from your profile and then ONLY tell someone face to face - and even then VERY carefully - what's occurring.

Please never, ever again send related research or stats.

HSV1/2 are both pretty much identical, they both present the same, look the same, and infact research suggests 50% of cases of genital herpes are HSV1 related. Both cold sores just on a different lip, please looks at this website as there is ridiculously amount of misinformation on this post.

https://herpes.org.uk

Anyone and i mean ANYONE, who kisses, has any form of sexual contract will run the risk of catching this virus, condoms can reduce transmission but can very much still pass on the vorus

Aww I was hoping to read the date had gone ahead, gutted for you.

FWIW I think you should remove that personal information from your bio, and only disclose once you are at the point where you both want to sleep together.

I think everyone knows this to be honesty but still one is genital herpes and the other oral. And it’s still 10-2o percent of the population who have genital herpes, it’s important ro be clear here and not pretend everyone has it, as it explains why some people will not wish to engage if present.

It is possible to get a blood test to find out if you are a carrier of HSV1 or 2 - anyone who’s had sexual relationships could be. Too late in this instance but maybe something to discuss with a future prospective partner? If they already have the virus it becomes a non issue and if they don’t they can make a decision whether to proceed with the relationship or not.

Gosh, most people have this and it isn’t a big deal. I’ll be honest and say I’m amazed you disclosed this to someone on the first date. You weren’t about to have sex, he just made a joke asking why you were single and you think you’re single because you have a massively common virus? You didn’t need to offload this information on a first date for starters (or arguably at all) but it definitely isn’t why you’re single.