Help - perfect first date and then...

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

So 11 years ago my ex gave me herpes (HSV1 - same strain as the cold sores you get on your face). He still claims not to have it but pretty sure he's in denial, I know it can be dormant but the same has happened to another person I know just after sleeping with him (we didn't know each other at the time). I take antiviral medication every day and am very very vigilant about noticing symptoms, etc. I also use condoms with a new partner until we have both been tested - TMI but my outbreaks tend to appear around my bum area so a condom wouldn't cover the skin here - it's not somewhere that you'd rub up against during sex though really.

I've had partners in that time, including two serious relationships, and have always disclosed in advance of anything sexual happening - none of my exes have had any problems and they haven't caught it from me. The current advice now is actually you don't need to disclose given so many people are carriers already and most of them will never know as they'll never get symptoms - however, I wasn't given that opportunity to make an informed consent decision so I'll still continue to do so.

So yesterday I had my first date in a long while (Tinder). He was absolutely lovely and it turned into one of those dates where a coffee turned into lunch turned into a glass of wine. After he got home he said how much fun he'd had and made a bit of a joke about 'why are you single you must have some dealbreakers going on' (it was genuinely jokingly). So I thought ok go for it - I'll tell him. I know some will say it's too soon but it's easier for me if there aren't feelings developing. At first he basically said thanks for telling me but I can't deal with that - then realised he'd misread the stats I sent.

He admitted he didn't know much about it and needed to go away and have a think, but thanked me again, said we'd talk soon, and said I was absolutely gorgeous. I've said I completely understand and will gladly answer any questions - we had already arranged a date for Friday so I also said I'd still like to see him then. But obviously I feel a bit shit really.

Any advice on how to approach the situation? I genuinely don't think he's totally done but more he's not had any experience/knowledge of HSV. I don't want to write this off just yet but I'll be a bit downhearted if he decides he doesn't want to see me again...

I don't think anyone is judging the OP for having it at all! God knows, it could happen to any of us and she has my utmost sympathy. I had a friend with it and she was in agony with an outbreak.

Yes seriously, in the hope of avoiding situations like the one I currently find myself in!

I see it as the opposite way round though - if we'd had several great dates and gotten to know each other better, it would be more disappointing for me if he walked away at that point after time had been invested and feelings were possibly beginning to develop

I wouldnt put it in your bio OP. But I can see your thought process. How difficult for you xx

And we have been speaking for much longer - firstly as I said, he SO FAR SEEMS. Secondly baggage in the past has included small children and ex wives where there are issues - it's evident he doesn't have those

It’s not that it was inappropriate to tell him before sex was a possibility, of course you had to. But to bring it up so early is a bit of a vibe killer. I doubt that he was actually expecting you to disclose any “dealbreakers” when he asked his (admittedly stupid) question. it was just chat and you misinterpreted it I think. Are you generally quite a literal person?

I'm autistic.... I think there's your answer 😂

Have you actually been speaking on the phone/video chats or just chatting online?

Ah yes, OK. That does explain it. Did you tell him that before the date too? If you did then he is probably not the right person for you anyway if he didn’t think through properly how his question might land.

@Agoodrecipe Yes, he does. Also last time I checked ED wasn't transmittable 🙄

@ScaredOfFlying yes we've spoken a fair bit on the phone, and yes he did know I'm autistic. However, as someone who hasn't got much experience in that area I wouldn't expect him to be already second guessing how everything he says/does might impact me

I'm so sorry that your ex gave this to you. You are such a decent person to disclose it to this man you've just met, giving him the option to decide what to do. Maybe it was a bit early to tell him, again, it was very brave of you, but at least you've put it out there. If I was him I'd respect you for telling me and I'd appreciate the chance to research it thoroughly before making a decision about continuing the relationship.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

I think in future if you need to have this conversation with someone again, do it face to face. That way you can see their body language and guage whether to pause, explain more slowly, or provide more or different info - and it will be easier for them to just ask questions in the moment. It will also allow him to read your body language and see how relaxed, open, anxious, etc you seem. That could have provided added reassurance. But none of this is possible with text only.

I personally think this is too much to disclose over text. It would panic me to receive information like that over text after meeting someone once and I probably wouldn't know what to do - other than Google it and then cool things off probably. Although that would be a reflection on my knowledge, personal circumstances and coping bandwidth, not the value of the other person or how much I had liked them.

How fast you tell people is personal choice and like anything there are pros and cons. Some will rather wait so there is more of a connection and it's easier to discuss, others prefer to use it as a screening tool. Although as pp have mentioned, you do potentially make yourself vulnerable especially by putting it on your profile. Anybody could scrape that information. (I also don't think men are renowned for reading dating profiles in fine detail.)

Oh dear.

I do feel for you OP and it sounds very difficult.

I think however that you told him far too soon. Men need to get to know you first and then if it's going to lead to sex, it's something to mention.

One important other issue around this is HPV (not the same I know.)
Evidently 80% of people have it at some time.

And most people clear it before it causes cancer.

But men can pass it into women where it may not show until an abnormal smear test years later. Or a woman can unknowingly pass it onto a man who may in time develop penile cancer.

I doubt women who have been diagnosed with HPV after a smear test would say that on their OLD profile.

What you have is nasty as a condition but it's not that different to HPV which is actually more serious in terms of outcomes if it lingers for years and causes cancer. So maybe there has to be a bit more perspective over what you have and how you move on now?

@YetAnotherWannabeWriter this is nothing to do with HPV

It is possible to get either type of HSV on the mouth or genitals. For example, a person with HSV1 giving someone oral sex can transmit that virus to the genital area. Similarly, giving oral sex to someone with HSV2 can result in catching that virus on the mouth. Transmission frequently occurs even without visible sores.

I know that. But both are sexually transmitted conditions except HPV does not cause a rash etc - but many people still have it.

What you have is unpleasant and painful but it won't kill someone which HPV can.

You are 100% right to disclose it but not on your online profile and not ideally on the first date. Many men will run a mile if they don't understand it.

But ironically many men will be carrying HPV and unaware.

Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing to disclose. It's just possibly the "how" that might need some refinement.

Herpes is dangerous for anyone who is immunocompromised. It's also not just a rash.

They're not the same at all. Exposing people to herpes without disclosing is morally reprehensible.

Thanks everyone for the advice re disclosure but that isn't what I came here for - it was more around what I should do next. I think so far I may wait until mid week and just check in to see if we are still on for Friday (we had made concrete plans).

I've always disclosed in the same way and have only had one other person decide they didn't want to pursue things any further. The past few years I've barely been on any dates even (maybe 1-2 since 2020) and had a brief relationship with an old friend earlier this year who already knew the situation. I even more rarely have a nice/successful date - I think I'm just a bit useless!

I wouldn't be put off by someone having genital herpes (I have cold sores on the lips, I'm careful when the infection is active and that's all). But I would be put off by someone telling me about that on the first date.