Online dating and avoiding men after one thing?

[Hypnotic]

I want to start dating soon after a long spell of being single, but how do you avoid men that are just after sex?! I know the obvious ones like men who bring it up straight away, but what I hear from women is this is all men want nowadays. It will be online dating as I don’t get out much socially so will have no choice. I’ve heard of women meeting men them being absolutely lovely no mention of sex then they sleep with them and bam ghosted straight after. I plan to wait as long as possible to sleep with someone to at least rule some of them out. But is it really that hard finding someone that wants a relationship?

I go the other way. After a couple of dates if I like them I'll sleep with them. If they go quiet at least they are out of my life nice and quickly. Don't want to spend months waiting around.

But also I do think that after having sex you might just feel you're not actually that compatible. So it might seem like they just wanted one thing when actually it's changed things for them.

Oh im happy to wait as long as possible 😂 I don’t sleeping with people quickly anyway

You can't rush something you want to last forever.

Explain upfront that you want to wait until you have sex to find someone special and get to know them first. Simply state what you're about, in other words. The ones who want a quick shag will soon disappear.

I don't know. As a man, having been living and subjected to emotional manipulation, continued coercive behaviours, subtle undermining digs/criticism of anything good I've been commended for, only 5k have it be weaponised during the chaotic predictable constant mood swings to extent I've modified myself to have some normalcy, followed by love bombing and constantly appeasing to meet the demands of someone who has no capacity to emotionally regulate and only values me for idea of what I can do for them and denied me affection but yet constantly validated their insecurities, showing up consistently and helping her through traumatic experience, I would say its not all that its crack up to be. Sorry for ramble.

If I were to go back to online dating after 2 years, I would only want explicity something casual initially after being shamed for wanting fairly ordinary vanilla healthy sex life even after spent lot time being patience, cretaing safe space for them and going at their pace, I still got shamed or nasty comments whenever I expressee my needs as if I was "demanding". So I would say I'd only want long term if I'm provided same emotional, care, attention love and support I provide compassionately. There's plenty of Men who do want something that's real, but lot arent trying because of maybe their own experiences for same reasons Women are also hesitant. Lot of women feel entitled to so much where Men have to put so much effort in to even get noticed so are deciding they don't want to bother.

Sounds like you could do with some counselling. 💐

I probably wouldn’t explain it upfront no one should be expecting sex off anyone. When it starts to lead that way I will explain it I think.

But why waste your time on ones that do? There is nothing wrong with someone wanting sex early on, it's not a character flaw. If you say you're not the type to rush sex that type won't bother with you, saving you both time.

I’m all for honesty and if a man is only looking for sex, I’d rather be told that, than being lied to about their intentions.

I wouldn’t mention sex at all!

Are you ok?

@Hypnotic I think your initial starting point is a good one. I'm not sure what else you can do but watch to see how their character and actions reveal themselves.

If you find out please let me know x

Have sex when you want to, with the people you want to have sex with. It will make absolutely no difference as to whether or not they want a relationship with you, so whether they’re ’only after one thing’ isn’t really massively relevant, imo.

If they mention sex in any way before you've met, preferences or whatever else it might be, they are only looking for sex

If you say in advance to someone that you arent going to rush into sex you cloud well be a "challenge" for them

Look up love bombing and be wary of that

Exactly! Thank you that’s what I thought. I definitely have no plans to mention it up front.

In my five year online dating experience and from my friend's experiences I have learnt that the vast majority don't want a relationship, even if they say they do

I swipe left on anyone who hasn't specifically got it set to say they are looking for a relationship

Absolutely this 👌

This. After couple of dates. If i like them. Id sleep with them. Nothing worse having shit sex and wasted time from waiting to have sex

I don’t mind waiting 😊

Yes, have you got any recommendations?

When newly matched on an app, watch out for the ones that want your number immediately, they’ll soon start pestering for more photos then it’ll all be about sex.
Once you have found someone to date, even after a few weeks, them being hesitant to put a label on it or not wanting to discuss exclusivity, but still want you to sleep with them, they are stringing you along.
Depending on how old you are, I’d also be wary if they’ve never settled/had a long term relationship but had lots of short term ones, likely to be Peter pans, they want to play the field forever.

Watch out for guys who if you do move to messaging somewhere else then unmatch you on the dating app. That's so you can't see if they've been online talking to someone else

I recommend following the group the burnt haystack method on Facebook. Shes an American lady whos really good at dissecting men's profiles and also has tips on questions you can ask, to help work out a guys intentions early on!! If nothing else ive found ive felt less alone seeing other people's experiences with online dating. You also get the odd success story which is reassuring!!!!

Not really. See this post.https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5464321-how-do-i-heal-from-emotionally-selfish-immature-female-covert-narcissist-theyre-supposed-to-come-with-me-to-my-parents-and-sisters-over-christmas-and-boxing-day?reply=149376703

I'm now back home after fallout of it all last night and left to deal with the very I need was emotional support not manipulation and coercive control and verbal abuse for everything I did that was good.

I need a good therapist specifically in helping me unpack truth from the manipulation. Right now I can't see the difference and it would be beneficial but not sure where to start to help me recognise the patterns of behaviour and also my own trauma bonding addiction and why I attract it. Also to address my own self esteem and confidence issues. I don’t want this to be last relationship where never recover. My ex in my previous LTR of 6 years never subjected me to this and that ended due to my own mistakes. But this has reallt left a mark on me, not onlt that been signed off for mental health for last few months because of work incident and now this happened where due back Tuesday I dunno how can face anytbing right now

You can often sense someone's intentions before meeting them. All the people I encountered were completely respectful.