Online dating and avoiding men after one thing?

[Hypnotic]

I want to start dating soon after a long spell of being single, but how do you avoid men that are just after sex?! I know the obvious ones like men who bring it up straight away, but what I hear from women is this is all men want nowadays. It will be online dating as I don’t get out much socially so will have no choice. I’ve heard of women meeting men them being absolutely lovely no mention of sex then they sleep with them and bam ghosted straight after. I plan to wait as long as possible to sleep with someone to at least rule some of them out. But is it really that hard finding someone that wants a relationship?

No I don’t think 3 months guarantees anything but it will certainly rule out the ones expecting it on the first couple of dates/ first date.

No, it’s not remotely immature to find sex and sexual compatibility to be an important part of a long-term adult relationship. We’re all different and it’s not ‘immature’ or ‘unreasonable’ to include sex, and an alignment of sexual attitudes, as one of your priorities when looking for a long-term partner.

If a man wanted to wait for months before having sex it would indicate that he and I had very different attitudes to sex and, in all probability, mismatched sex drives. I’m fully aware that some people see sex as a special thing that they ‘give’ to someone only when they are fully certain it is going to secure a commitment, and that’s fine; they can feel that way.

But I am not one of those people and I would not be compatible with someone who is. I would not be attracted to someone who felt that way about sex. That doesn’t make me immature. It makes me pragmatic about what I need.

And, as I’ve been with my lovely, kind, clever, funny partner for 23 years now, it’s worked out very well for me. (The one relationship I’ve had that was truly miserable and damaging was the only one where I told myself that his different attitude to sex shouldn’t matter because it was ‘only sex’, in fact!)

There are million threads on Mumsnet where people are really struggling in their relationships and suffering significant upset because they and their partner have completely different needs and attitudes towards sex. It isn’t immature or unreasonable to want to avoid that sort of heartache by looking for a partner who is on the same page as you from the start.

If you don't want to rush into having sex then don't let the women on here who act differently pressure you into doing what you don't want to do. That's a terrible way to live.

I'm autistic and simply can't rush into physical intimacy. I just can't. That weeded out a lot of men when I was younger. But I found a man who thought highly enough of me to wait and we've been married for 25 years now.

Noone is pressurising the OP. Just stating that if the intention of waiting months before having sex is to weed out people who just want a one night stand, then she will also weed out the majority of the population as well. She can do what she likes, and should. But it's not about whether a man thinks she is "worth waiting for". It will just mean that they realise she has different values in a long term relationship and they will find a different long term partner.

When I was OLD I found spending ages swapping messages in the app before meeting often lead to massive disappointments. Being able to write articulate witty emails does not always translate into real life chemistry. Personally, I liked speaking to someone on the phone early ish where you can find out way more about them in 10 mins then two dozen emails.

A lot of men are quite frankly terrible in bed so gotta take them for a test drive… I do find with on-line dating theirs a thin line between flirting and a few risqué comments and coming across as desperate / sex pest which I find quite off putting…

wanting someone who is just normal feels like such a low bar…

Honestly I wouldn’t break up with someone because they were bad in bed so that’s not a deal breaker for me.

I always find it disturbing how many MN posters arrive on threads like this to pressure and shame women who don't want to sleep around and have casual sex with loads of men.

And it is pressure to be on here telling someone they'll end up alone and they're weird for not wanting to sleep around and everyone else is doing it and they are old fashioned... And on and on repeatedly posting and ramming their views down the op's throat.

I’m fully aware that some people see sex as a special thing that they ‘give’ to someone only when they are fully certain it is going to secure a commitment, and that’s fine; they can feel that way.

That's your highly judgemental interpretation of why other people don't want to sleep around. That doesn't make it accurate or any less pejorative.

You clearly have a chip on your shoulder about this. Maybe back off instead of trying to make someone feel shit because they have different values to you. This thread isn't about you.

I don’t have a chip on my shoulder at all. The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. Then someone accused me of being ‘immature’, and I defended myself. I’m really not the one insulting anyone here. I am, in fact, the one pointing out that it’s fine for people to have different attitudes to sex and that it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with being in either camp.

I really don’t know why you think I was criticising anyone for seeing sex as something for commitment only?! That is how some people see sex and that is totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. I haven’t insulted anyone for feeling that way. At all.

I always find it weird how many MN posters seem to think that they’re being attacked whenever someone does something differently to the way they’d do it.

That's quite the me-rail!

I seem to remember reading some book in the 90s with the 'three date rule'.
I had sex with DH on date 2 and he stuck around so it can't be true!

To be honest i wanted to try before i buy … though i knew dh was the one after one date (in a public place to be safe) he was the same. By date 3 I was most definitely ready, you know when it’s right. If you aren’t comfortable by then back to the apps

Why would not being ready for sex by date 3 mean getting back on the apps?

I’ve never had sex by date 3 and still gone on to have several LTR’s - some people are a slow burn and prefer to take their time building something before sex.

I would. Sex is important to me in a relationship.

I usually slept with people on the first or second date if there was enough of an attraction.

i wanted a long term relationship and chemistry and compatibility were important to me.

I was never ghosted and had three long term relationships from online ( one ex is still one of my best friends), as well as my current partner of three years.

I also slept with my ex husband of 22 years on the second date.

People have different sex drives. This isn’t a man or woman thing, this is just finding someone who matches your goals.

Exactly, I wouldn’t ever get past date 3 if I needed to end it there if I’ve not had sex yet. 😂

And let’s be clear those of us who like to take our time are not necessarily people who don’t value sex in a relationship or have a low sex drive.

It’s just that we wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping with someone that early on for a variety of reasons.

I know for me even if I felt strong chemistry I would hold back because there’s more to me having sex with someone than chemistry. So the chemistry being there isn’t enough.

I’d want to take the time to observe their character properly and decide if it’s someone I want to have sex with.

It’s often said a lot of (not all) women can’t see red flags once they’ve had good sex and I think there’s some truth in that. Because sometimes I’ve asked a woman what kept her hanging on to such a bum/liar/cheat and it’s basically boiled down to sex.

Again I’m not saying that’s the same for everyone but it is for some. So I think more people would probably benefit from not having sex so early on so their judgement is a bit less clouded.

Would I be correct in thinking that sex doesn't matter to you and you're potentially the one who gives bad sex? Because I have heard stories of asexual or closeted peoole going along with straight dating for the sake of the end result of a home, marriage and kids.

Not asexual and have grown up kids, don’t want anyone.

I disagree. I think some like a challenge and others will tell you what you want to hear and then disappear. 8 don't date any more, but this has always been my experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wrote a thoughtful profile laying out my hobbies and my interests. Reading was a big one for me.
I weeded out men very very quickly. No mercy. None.
if I got love bombing it was finished
if he was too needy with a reply it was finished
no second chances

I asked thoughtful questions based on profile and hobbies and interests. If they either ignored my questions or just answered them without asking me an equally thoughtful question in return it was finished

I made it clear I was looking for sex after a long term relationship had started.

I asked what was the last book you read? What did you think? Etc

I talked for ages via message (at least 3 weeks) and not every day I made it clear I was busy

First date was a dog walk and my dog had to like them
second date was dog walk and coffee
third date a NT place

all at weekend and all during the day over 3 weeks and so on….

But I weeded out arrogant, any that said that their ex wife was crazy etc and tested misogyny early / how did they speak to the coffee staff did they offer to pay for the first tea?

I got a good one. I will warn you I must have messaged 500 and met 10 as I moved on swiftly. No sex at all. No mention of it. No offer of it. DH had sex about 4 months in to our dates but he never pushed it and it was pace.

You could put it on your dating profile. Then you’d filter straightaway …

OP, I think you have to be very clear about what you’re looking for. My first tip is: make sure that they’re actually divorced/not in a relationship. Avoid the “I’m separated but” - such men are often looking for a mistress rather than a relationship. It’s usually fairly obvious if they just want bed! I wouldn’t be too prescriptive about how long before you’re prepared to sleep with them - if you like the man and he seems genuine, you might not want to wait so long; there are some you would never sleep with no matter what! I agree with a Po, though, that there are some who are just in it for the thrill of the chase, and having got you as a notch on their bedpost, are happy to move on. It’s not all doom and gloom, though - I met my DH through in,I’ve dating, and we are very happy together. It’s partly a matter of luck, but I did have to kiss a few frogs first!

No chance would I mention sex on my profile thats private 😂

Often they’re probably male posters. Not always - but often. It’s transparent.