Online dating and avoiding men after one thing?

[Hypnotic]

I want to start dating soon after a long spell of being single, but how do you avoid men that are just after sex?! I know the obvious ones like men who bring it up straight away, but what I hear from women is this is all men want nowadays. It will be online dating as I don’t get out much socially so will have no choice. I’ve heard of women meeting men them being absolutely lovely no mention of sex then they sleep with them and bam ghosted straight after. I plan to wait as long as possible to sleep with someone to at least rule some of them out. But is it really that hard finding someone that wants a relationship?

I think being ok with bad sex is a bit of a red flag.

Would you continue to have sex with someone if it’s not enjoyable?

I find it so misogynistic the assumption that men want sex and women don’t.

Not ok with bad sex just wouldn’t break up with someone over it. There’s more to a relationship than sex.

🤷‍♀️ 😂 it’s one of your requirements / descriptions though. Like the others.

Your description - slim, athletic, arty, only interested in relationships and commitment.

Looking for - 6ft tall dark handsome, must love nature and be intellectual, light hearted . No sex pests need apply.

There you go! ;)

Not sure where that came from!

Ok i thought you meant mention my 3 month plans. Definitely won’t be doing that! But yes will say I'm looking for committed relationship / nothing casual

You assuming people are male because they have different views on sex.

Although I haven’t seen anyone say the things you wrote.

? What did I write?

I said some are probably men. Not quite the same is it..

I’d agree that many of us need to get to know someone over some time first. I couldn’t just hop into bed with someone. It takes time to get to that stage.

You said often they are men which is absurd.

I sympathise a lot with the OP. I have been divorced a long time, before that I only ever had two relationships in my life (and not at the same time). I wouldn’t mind meeting a man to go out with and have a social life. Maybe that would naturally lead to more but it would have to take some time. I’ve dabbled with OLD but I really don’t feel comfortable with the idea of casual sex. Am I not allowed to feel I’d like to have company without just shagging them straight away? It makes me feel scared to meet anyone. Maybe I am better alone.

I would actually encourage you to be upfront about everything from the start. That's how you weed out men who are unsuitable. It's not about who should or shouldn't expect anything. I think nobody should be expecting a relationship with someone either but it helps to be clear about your intentions.

I agree. I've had sex with people on the second date and after six weeks of dating and, on one memorable occasion, after three months of dating which was a complete waste of my time as sex was awful and I basically wasted three months on something that could never work long term.
In a happy committed relationship with a "second date" guy now.

Do you tell people you sleep with them on the second date up front? Doubt it. So it’s the same way I won’t be mentioning anything about sex.

The post I was replying to did not mention anything about talking about sex.

No, I do not tell to people when I am going to sleep with them because I don't know. I do, however, mention that I date intentionally and am not interested in one night stands from the onset.

Well I don’t know it will be 3 months it’s just won’t be anytime soon, maybe longer, I don’t need to tell someone I won’t be sleeping with them straight away. Crazy that thats expected anyway!

Haha. Are you single by any chance?

Well I must be immature and unreasonable then because I wouldn't want to be with someone who preferred to wait for ages to have sex. I'd be incompatible with them - when I was single, if fancied a man and he passed muster I couldn't wait to jump into bed with him!

Having been on the dating apps for a while, I'd say it's almost impossible to know if the person you are dating is just after sex or wants a relationship.

As they say, there is no one more charming than someone who wants a shag.

However, be very explicit on your profile that you date intentionally with the view to a long-term relationship. Don't match with anyone looking for short term or working out their relationship goals. Work to your time frame and until you are ready, stick to dates where a shag isn't an option, so coffees, dinners, outings etc. Don't go to their house dont have them at yours till you are ready. The time frame depends on you and what you are comfortable with. If someone is into you they will respect your boundaries.
Also as someone said, there is a great group called Burn the Haystack on Insta and facebook. Basically, you are looking for a Needle in a Haystack.

My personal experience is that the apps are full of men who say they want a relationship but actually dont, but hopefully your experience will be better. Best of luck

It sounds like you are looking for a serious long term committed relationship. You have to really think about exactly what you want. Marriage? Live together or separate? Goals in LTR, children or not, housing, financial, career, get your inner picture of what you want as detailed as you can.

That is what you are clear about from the very beginning. Your blurb states clearly what you're looking for. You screen for men wanting the same and screen for the cock lodgers. Check out the Burnt Haystack method and try it. Do not find one man and focus on him hoping he's the one. Date multiple men and weed out those who don't want the same thing because you bring up what you're looking for. If you don't want to have sex very early on, don't. The men who only want sex will go elsewhere. This is going to be a fine line. How long is too long and you have to consider you may or may not be sexually compatible. Be clear that for you, sex comes with feelings and emotion (if that's the case), and that takes time. And use birth control and protection when you do have sex. Anyone asking you not to, do not proceed.

My personal experience is that the apps are full of men who say they want a relationship but actually dont, but hopefully your experience will be better. Best of luck

True, far too many are dishonest. I wish they would be more truthful. It’s shocking the amount who don’t want a relationship - or at least don’t want a relationship with that specific woman - who will lead said woman on to get sex.

I’ve even asked one guy I know - why lie? There are women who want FWB/casual sex - why not hook up with them?

His answer was basically that “the type” of women that want FWB are not “the type” who they want to sleep with. Whatever that means!

I also think it’s an ego and control thing. They love the idea of a woman falling for them even if the plan is to discard quickly after sex or to keep stringing them along with the promise of a relationship that will never materialise . And they’re less likely to get into that position with a FWB situation. It’s actually quite sick.

They don’t know or don’t care about the emotional and mental harm they’re causing people.