Worries of a maybe stepmum

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Well, I didn't have this on my bingo card for 2026.

I have a wonderful friend, who started seeing an older man with kids. She hasn't met them yet. But he is wanting her to move in. They have been seeing each other for 4 months. Her obvious worry is, well everything. So she turned to me for help. Unfortunately I'm an even older male so please may I ask for your help. The reason I'm asking and not her, is because she's excited but anxious. But please help.

The children are 2 boys under 10
They will do a 50/50 split with their mother.

I'm not entirely sure what specific advice to ask for, but any wisdom from those who've been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

I personally wouldn’t be keen, I would feel like I had been on a four month interview for a live in nanny post with no pay!

If she's even considering moving in with someone she has been seeing for four months, she is crazy!

Even without children in the mix, moving in after four months is crazily fast!

I think he maybe wants someone to look after the children. His considerable irresponsibility in terms of moving someone he’s known 4 months to live with his two young children would put me off as well!

Why is he asking her to move in after four months? That’s much too soon never mind with kids involved
massive red flag
The kids are young so is he looking for someone who will basically do his share of the childcare when they’re with him
wpuld she be giving up her own property ?
After four months she would be a fool to move in - he’s probably love bombing her - there’s no was they have any sort of understanding of one another

4 month relationship and he's pushing her to move in? Why?
They have barely started to know each other. It's far to soon for that kind of commitment. If she's not met the boys, why is there a push to have them 50/50? Does he think she'll take over responsibility for his children so he doesn't have to?
She should rethink her 'excitement' and start to think of slowing down

She needs to.out the brakes on in a major way. 1. Four months is too soon 2. She hasnt even met these kids yet so obviously moving in is a terrible idea and 3. Sadly, it looks like hes just looking for live in childcare, with sex on tap.

If she really thinks this relationship is going somewhere, she needs to continue to get to know him. Jisge him.on how he prioritises his kids. In time, meet the kids. Watch how he parents - can she slot into that? Does she like the kids? Then, perhaps in a year or.two, she can move in.

I am also interested in how long it has been since this man split from the children's mother (or, a precious relationship if hes had one subsequently).

She'd be crazy to move in with him after only 4 months. It's also very unfair on the children. She needs to get to know them well first before even thinking about moving into their home!

4 months ?
Crikes - is he looking for a substitute housekeeper/childcare?

At 4 months it's common for the parent to not have introduced the new partner to their children. Introducing new partners can have a massive impact on the child.

He is setting her up to be a surrogate mother. I would absolutely run away very fast and find someone nearer her own age with no children. He will be love bombing her. If he was a good father then he would keep his kids separate from her for a lot longer than 4 months!! 🚩🚩🚩

This is madness, the poor children. Any man suggesting this has a very poor understanding of what DC need and she needs to be very wary! The comment re job interview for a nanny position is spot on!

If he’s pushing for her to live in at 4 months, it’s because he wants a free Nanny. Tell your friend to run a mile.

It’s been 4 months - that alone should be red flags.

She’ll end up on here in a few years complaining about the life she chose.

He wants a nanny with a Fanny. Tell her to run a mile

Ok, so thank you. I didnt expect this fast a response.

He has asked to move in soon but not now.

4 months???? Don’t do it!!!!

Nah, even with the ‘soon but not now’, he’s still 100% thinking of what’s helpful for him, not for his DC and definitely not for her. He wants childcare and domestic support, plus sex. Your friend should run a mile.

older man with kids. She hasn't met them yet. But he is wanting her to move in. They have been seeing each other for 4 months.

And he wants to move in to her house? How can she even consider this is ok / normal? You cannot live with someone who has children without getting to know them first.

Cock lodger!!

Huge red flag about him.

Concerning that your friend doesn’t see this.

Does your friend want DC herself?

she’d do well to end this relationship and seek a man without DC! Or if she’s open to being a step parent (a hard choice) a better father/boyfriend than her current BF.

If she said ‘definitely not living together for the foreseeable future, not meeting your DC until we’ve dated for a year or more’ he’d probably end the relationship, confirming his motives were bad.

Nope, she’s not even met the children (rightly so, 4 months is way too soon). Why is she even entertaining this - where are her own boundaries. Surely common sense would tell her it’s a bad idea, the last thing I’d be is excited by his proposition. Aside from the children, how would they manages finances, what happens to her home?

Its a mess in the making and, frankly, she’s not ready to be in a relationship if she can’t see that.

I have said these things, to her. But hopped. Others would see positives that i can not.

No think of the kids

I certainly wouldn’t be rushing to move in with a man who’s either so clearly deficient in the emotional intelligence that he couldn’t see this would be an awful idea for his young children OR who’s so set on a live in, shaggable cleaner/cook/babysitter that he simply doesn’t care. Red flags galore. She hasn’t even met his children (which to be fair is right for only four months in) and he wants to move her into their safe space? ❌

It is blindingly obvious to anyone that he wants a girlfriend, any girlfriend will do, to provide childcare for his children and has taken 50:50 so that no maintenance is due. He gets housework and sex thrown in too.
if your friend is unsure of the above, get her to tell him that no, she won’t want to move in for a few years and watch his response carefully. He has picked someone younger as they are move vulnerable and foolish. Tale as old as time.

It’s because of men like him the term nanny with a fanny was coined.

Any women who he can delegate childcare to and get a get regular sec from will do.

Tell him not to be ridiculous and that she wants to date away from his family plans for now.