Worries of a maybe stepmum

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Well, I didn't have this on my bingo card for 2026.

I have a wonderful friend, who started seeing an older man with kids. She hasn't met them yet. But he is wanting her to move in. They have been seeing each other for 4 months. Her obvious worry is, well everything. So she turned to me for help. Unfortunately I'm an even older male so please may I ask for your help. The reason I'm asking and not her, is because she's excited but anxious. But please help.

The children are 2 boys under 10
They will do a 50/50 split with their mother.

I'm not entirely sure what specific advice to ask for, but any wisdom from those who've been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

It is pretty simple, tell her to carry out the following experiment,,,
Say to him "I want us to have a relationship but I will not be meeting your kids for another year and I do not want us to live together until the youngest is 18"
If he is genuine he will accept this, if he is looking for a nanny he will drop her like a brick and be out there looking for the next mug.

This is a series of red flags. Even without the children, wanting her to move in within four months of dating is far too fast. You don’t know anyone well enough within that time. Add in the fact he wants her to move in and mother children she hasn’t even met yet. They may not even get along. But the biggest red flag here isn’t even the fact he wants her to do this… it’s the fact he’s willing to impose a stranger upon his children’s safe place. How on earth would they feel a random woman moving into their home?! It screams that he’s trying to alienate her, love bomb her and if he has no regard whatsoever for his children’s wants/needs (which shows his lack of emotional awareness) then he certainly won’t treat her with care and consideration moving forward. If for whatever reason she actually entertains it, strongly encourage her to keep her finances separate and not give up her home.

Took me 8 months to meet my stepson and another year to do an overnight with him. 4 months is way way way too soon and progress once she meets his children should be gradual, they still need to spend quality time with dad as his children.

Even 12 years on, as involved as I can be with DSS, him and his dad still do many things without me because, whilst I love him dearly too, it is so important for him and his dad to have quality time together without me.

Equally, it is rare that I have ever taken care of DSS on my own, even after all this time. We are either together as a family or dad is with him (bar probably 3 times in the whole 12 years) If this is expected of her I would question motives, especially so early on.

I was a single mum and I dated a single dad. We dated for 5 years before we moved in together. His DC were all in their late teens/ early 20s by that time. My DC is younger but he got to know her gradually over the 5 years.

Slower is better when there are children involved. Firstly, for their sake so that they get to know the partner and they aren't being made to live with someone they don't have a relationship with. Also, it means you’re sure about each other before making that big step. That would be the advice I'd give your friend.

The advice I would be giving it that’s 4 months is far too soon!! More for the kids. They are so little and if 6 months down the line it doesn’t work out and there’s an attachment there those poor kids have that broken through no fault of their own. I would ask your friend to wait atleast a year.

Thank you again, for your advice. There are two terms a few have mentioned the nanny one. And one about something to search for to see others that have been in this situation. But I cant find it now.

Do you have children yourself OP? I'm guessing not, but maybe you have nephews or nieces or friends have kids? The difficulty is that if you don't have children and neither does she, there's a whole heap of stuff about attachment and the way children grow and what they need, that parents have learned. These facts makes it obvious to any parent why this is a bad idea. But it's understandable that people without children simply wouldn't know it - same as if you are someone who's bought a house in the past, you will now knowbasic practical things about mortgages, so if a friend who was a first time buyer got some basic expectations wrong around the process, you would say hang on, that isn't how it works, you will run into trouble.

A kind way to share concerns with her would be to play the "I'm a man and I know how good men and bad men behave" card.

You could do it by asking questions and wondering out loud, inviting her to notice things about families and good behaviour of the men.You know x or y with their children? How much care they need and how much attention? Fred gets up every day and takes his kids to school, at work he says it's really tiring to be there for them. It seems like something you'd really be prioritising if you're a good dad. Everyone knows that it's bad for children to be rushed into living with people they don't know. How about A or B that we both know, they have a kid age 6 - that's hardly any time to be alive, even, they seem super young to me, how would they cope if they had to live with someone else? Is 50 50 the best idea for children, I heard Jim at work did it because he didn't want to pay maintenance, personally I think that men who do that are scumbags.

I can't see how a good kind man would put people he loves, and is responsible for,through that kind of trauma. I wonder if it's a sign of how he might treat you?

My honest advice for her personally, if she has any reservations then she should not go ahead! Those reservations will evolve into contempt and it will be good for no one.

My personal view… 4 months and moving her in? He’s looking for a mug to do the childcare. 🚩🚩🚩

This

find the step parents board on mumsnet and send the link to your friend so she can have a read.

she’s being set up for o be a nanny with benefits (ie sex)

Yes.

I'd warn her against it. They've only been together 4 months, he's looking for an unpaid nanny who will pay half the bills on his house. How long since he started the 50:50 arrangement?

If he was a decent father, he wouldn't even have introduced her yet. She should politely decline, maybe think about it in a year.

I have a son, my partner felt she did everything.so didnt need me. But 10 years later. Im still single and very broken. I know the damage this will cause. And know she deserves better. But im trying to help. Before coming here I told her most of the things you have all said.

I know he is not a good man. Because of what this will do to his children. But although I do feel for them, and fucking hate what he is going to do to them. She is the one I must try to help.

So please understand i do know the pain.

Is your friend's name Maria von Trapp? If not, I would advise caution, because that's the sole example I can think of where such an arrangement has worked out well for all parties.

...until Maria had children with their father.

And presumably Maria was paid to be a nanny in the first place.

I would like to thank you all for the advise, I sent her a link to see your responses. felt it the correct way to explain things.

But thank you, and hope you all have a wonderful year

Lol we all forget, ask what he did in the house oh well

She should post here herself. She will get better advice.

What do you mean by this?

@VickyEadieofThigh , probably whether Captain von Trapp pulled his weight when it came to the children and house.