Worries of a maybe stepmum

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Well, I didn't have this on my bingo card for 2026.

I have a wonderful friend, who started seeing an older man with kids. She hasn't met them yet. But he is wanting her to move in. They have been seeing each other for 4 months. Her obvious worry is, well everything. So she turned to me for help. Unfortunately I'm an even older male so please may I ask for your help. The reason I'm asking and not her, is because she's excited but anxious. But please help.

The children are 2 boys under 10
They will do a 50/50 split with their mother.

I'm not entirely sure what specific advice to ask for, but any wisdom from those who've been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

Poor kids. They don't want to share their home with a stranger. Way too soon. This should be years down the line.

He's wanting to move in with her? 'then' he'll have 2 'under 10' 50/50?

1. Where does he live now? Does he basically want her to provide accomodation? Run, fast
2. How far 'under 10' are we talking? What are the arrangements currently? Is he wanting accomodation? Run, run very fast
3. 4 months into a relationship isn't the time to introduce two small children and move said children into a different home and set up 50% of the time. He should be focussing on parenting and providing for his children's needs, not finding some random female to do it for him... Run, run and run some more!!!

He wants to move in after 4 months? He's bad news. Your friend should run away from him as fast as she can.

That's before you put children into the equation.

He's bonkers.

I do wonder how many of the utterly miserable women on the step parenting board hating their life, started out like this with friends begging them not to be so foolish and them dismissing the person trying to help them.

No way 4 months is nothing and he wants her to move in! Nope far too early. That’s a red flag alone.

He’s looking for childcare by the sounds of it.

Does she have children or want kids?

How long has he been separated from his ex?

Im sorry I dont know

The new guy is a selfish loser. He’s got his kids 50/50 which means plenty of time for balancing all of his relationships.

Instead he wants to prioritise himself, and force a woman into the lives of the young children who haven’t even met her yet (and nor should they at four months).

Not only should she not move in, she should dump him for being a crap father.

As someone who has been a stepmom for over 18 years…. Knowing what I know now. I would NEVER tell a friend that it’s a good idea. No matter how long and how much there is between you and your partner.

I know someone in this exact scenario. She’s already complaining that the kids are too demanding/difficult/tantrumny etc etc. I’ve lost a lot of respect for her and the way she talks about those kids enrages me. Young children of separated parents deserve to be prioritised. If she says no, she’d rather take things slower, what would he say?

She hasn't met them yet. But he is wanting her to move in. They have been seeing each other for 4 months.
Far too soon.
He wants a free nanny.

I wouldn’t consider moving in with someone with kids within four years of meeting them let alone four months!!

Those poor children, having their dad dreaming of foisting some stranger upon them. She’s barely even a girlfriend, and they are talking about her being a stepmum. Red flags everywhere.

Rubbish parenting/not putting kids first is deeply deeply unattractive. Massive turnoff.

All the red flags. He wants a nanny with a fanny. Tell her to run.

Absolutely not. Nope. Nada.

Way too soon..
She needs to meet the children (also too soon) and get to know them really well first.
My advice would also to be extremely wary if she's expected to look after the children in any meaningful way quickly..Do not find out the hard way that really what this guy wants is free childcare.

Absolutely not!

I met my DP children after 14 months. We moved in together at just over 3 years. 4 months - terrible idea and especially for the children.

Big red flags, what father asks a woman who hasn't met his kids, who live in the house half the time, to move in?! Children of any disposition are going to be horrified at sharing a home with someone they don't even know, and rightly so. What man asks a woman to move in after four months!? I would give her the advice to slow it all right down. If it's right it'll wait for them. If she moves in she jumps right into wife/Smother role immediately and all the absolute sh*t that brings, especially if the children dont know her and he is used to their mother doing absolutely everything at home. Relax, enjoy dating, have some holidays, after a year of getting on well discuss being slowly introduced to the children. Don't move in for an absolute age and don't become his live in/shag in nanny come house keeper. However, the fact she's even excited and considering this makes me think she has her own self esteem issues that also need addressing, and if you give her this advice she will ignore you and do it anyway....

Well, no. Because she’s asked for your advice, which is that it’s not in her interests or those of the children. But give the advice gently, not emphatically, with the assurance that you will support her whatever happens

But 4 months is not nearly enough time

He has his kids 50/50 and wants his girlfriend of 4 months who has not met the children to live with them? What sort of person thinks that’s ok?

My husband has an older child. He was 8 when we met. He introduced me to his son after about 6 months of dating. We moved in together 12 months later. We are now married and have a child of our own too.

If I knew what I know now I probably wouldn't have moved in with my husband/married him.

Not because I don't love him or my stepson. I do. Im crazy about them both. But once we got married my stepsons attitude changed towards both me and his dad. He's now 13 and we haven't seen him for 6 months.

He has blocked me (for wishing him happy birthday) and refuses to acknowledge my husband unless he is sending him money.

They had a very close relationship before and I feel there's a lot of jealousy especially towards our little one.

I hate feeling like I am the cause of the issues between my husband and SS. So if I had to do it again I'd run a mile. But only so that they would still see each other.

Absolutely not! It’s only been 4 months and she hasn’t even met the boys!

A long, slow, gradual getting to know the boys (and him!) and maybe in another year or two consider moving in. Has he even considered how the boys will feel about this? I can’t help but think he just wants help with the children.

It will be very telling how he reacts to her setting boundaries and wanting to take things slowly.

As many others have commented asking someone to move in (or think about doing so soon) within 4 months is very fast and most probably love bombing. This combined with the fact that he has children 50:50 who she hasn’t even met yet (not that she should have after 4 month) is further concern.

A significant amount of men who had next to no involvement with the care of children during a marriage/relationship ask for 50:50 to avoid maintenance & cause post separation harm to their mother.

Of course good fathers exist and do genuinely want to be with their children. But a good Father would be prioritising their children and proposing a new partner moving in so quickly is not doing so.

I think she’d be better off out of this altogether.

4 months! Tell her she needs to familiarise herself with the term ‘nanny with a Fanny.’
no decent father would want this.

Have you asked her what happens if she really doesn't like the kids, or they don't like her?

She can date this bloke all she wants, enjoy herself and have a nice time - there is absolutely no need for the children to be involved in a grown up relationship at all. Unless he wants something from her.