Worries of a maybe stepmum

[Bestfriendneedshelp]

Well, I didn't have this on my bingo card for 2026.

I have a wonderful friend, who started seeing an older man with kids. She hasn't met them yet. But he is wanting her to move in. They have been seeing each other for 4 months. Her obvious worry is, well everything. So she turned to me for help. Unfortunately I'm an even older male so please may I ask for your help. The reason I'm asking and not her, is because she's excited but anxious. But please help.

The children are 2 boys under 10
They will do a 50/50 split with their mother.

I'm not entirely sure what specific advice to ask for, but any wisdom from those who've been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

That is still a huge problem.

A good father would want to know someone for long enough that they know friends/family/how they react in different situations etc. They would also want to give their children plenty of time between introduction and the suggestion of moving in.

A good partner would want to prolong the stress free part of the relationship for as long as possible. They’d be concerned about putting too much expectation on a partner, and would want to be sure a new partner would be happy living as a step parent.

This man is not putting the best interests of his children or his relationship first. If he wasn’t after a free Nanny, he wouldn’t be talking about living together at all.

Good parents put their children first - within reason and without spoiling them. They would be considering the emotional impact and what it role models to children if they were to move a new younger girlfriend in. It role models what they think of women - poorly and for unpaid labour and all the drudge work. The emotional impact is the children thinking they’re not good enough. They need stability now, not a parent moving a stranger in to their home.

Tell your friend to say NO!

I won't go so far as to say this is a scam but it's a very common pattern of behaviour for men looking for a roof over their heads.

Why would anyone want to move in with someone who they have only been going out with for 4 months and whose kids they haven't met?!? Those poor children.

If your friend is even remotely considering this, then they're in a pretty vulnerable position and need good friends around them to help them avoid a potentially disastrous situation.

There are countless threads on here of women who actually done this and ended up thoroughly miserable, depressed and financially abused. It often takes years to get the man out and can result in a lot of stress.

My advice to a friend who is even considering this is to say to the new boyfriend 'I'm not interested in living together at the moment but we can see where we are in a year's. If he's genuine then it will work out, if he's not he'll either push back and she'll see his true colours or will move on to the next women. Online dating is full of guys like this one.

Also tell her to not let him move in by stealth!

How can she think this is a good idea?

Sorry, can't see any positives here Op. Your friend shouldn't meet his children for a good few months yet and when she does it should be casual until she and the kids get to know each other. Don't let her be steamrollered into anything

To add, the 'soon but not now' line is very manipulative. It's saying I'll test the waters and see if this is going to get me what I want. If it's a positive response then I'll start moving the timeline along.

Tell her he shouldn't have even asked that question yet given there are kids involved and it is a huge red flag.

As others have said, he wants a nanny with benefits, and is love-bombing her.

It’s usually advised that you don’t introduce new partners to your children until at least six months, if not longer, and moving in a lot later than that.

Any parent who asks someone who hasn't met their children to live with them is not a good parent. Especially given he wants to have said children 50/50.

Why would anyone risk a person in their home that they have no idea if their children will be comfortable with, let alone like?

Also "they will be 50/50" does that mean he's not 50/50 now? If not why not? What will change if they live together? Will he expect her to mind the children to facilitate this or will he be expecting her financial contribution to allow him to work less?

Living together after four months is absolute madness when there are children involved. Taking a huge gamble when it's just you and you can easily extricate yourself is one thing, involving children is just asking for trouble.

I think this will cost my friendship already

I concur with the consensus.

4 months - far too early!

It doesn't have to cost you your friendship. Be non-commital. Tell her you genuinely don't know what to do for the best and that only she can make such an important decision and that whatever she chooses, you'll still be her friend.

Nope, this man wants a nanny with a fanny I’m afraid! If she’s blinded by his love bombing, she likely won’t see this until it’s too late, and suddenly she’s in his house doing most of the parenting. Maybe just be there for her when it all goes tits up. Poor kids.

Well that'll be your friend's loss. If she prizes a guy she's been dating 4 months - with these red flags - over a longtime friend with her best interests at heart, then sorry but she deserves all the crap she'll be signing up for. Hopefully she's smarter than you fear and will see through him. No gold cock can compensate for the untold aggro he's offering.

I feel sorry for women like this, in a few years she’ll be wondering why she’s doing all the childcare to facilitate his hobbies, paying for half of everything whilst being vilified as an evil stepmother if critical of children or behaviour. When really it’s just she’s shouldering responsibility thst isn’t hers.

There are no positives in this. My guess would be he has pushed for 50:50 to avoid paying child maintenance and then realised its harder work than he anticipated and wants an extra pair of hands to do the wife work.

Show your friend this thread, and also ask her to look at the step parent board - there are many many threads from women who have found themselves in your friend's position - looking after children who are not their own, often without the father (who is 'working' or out doing other things) and being resented by the step kids. She would be idiotic to give up her independence and to do this.

So many red flags here, I would advise your friend to run and not look back.

He wants her to move in after 4 months, so they have been in each others company how many times in that 4 month period, if it is even approaching 50% of that time due to work commitments and sleeping I would be very surprised.

The man in question thinks it is okay for somebody he knows on a surface level to be involved with his children, his safeguarding of his own, young children is very off.

How will the children’s mother be informed of this new occupant of possibly the former marital home.

What were the circumstances of their split. Are they still married.

What arrangements will be agreed in relation to bills and property is it rented or owned and is there a mortgage, what amount of equity etc etc
What has he suggested to your friend with regards to her property.

Wbat happens if he is delayed at work, would your friend be expected to collect.

Does your friend have children, if so how will they blend.

Also translates to: man gets divorced, insists on 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, and months in when he realises how much hard work it is, chases a new partner who will come in and do it all for him. Win win.

Win fot the man. Not for the first wife who loses time with DC and not for the new partner who is doing the childcare if DC who are not her own.

to the OP, I think if you value the friendship, you cannot push your opinion but just say kindly what you think and leave it at that. It’s really up to your friend what she does.

Poor kids being forced to live with a women they have never met. Utterly shit parenting.

Her BF is looking for a bangmaidnanny to try to get her to move in after 4 months of dating.

Big red flag and her life will be worse if she's dumb enough to go along with this.

If your friend can't handle a dose of reality from a friend, wait until she's moved in with a guy she doesn't know and is taking care of his kids she doesn't know so he doesn't have to pay child support.

She sounds like she's going to have to learn the hard way. Sucks to be her.

Hang on, he wants to move in with her and then he’ll have the kids 50/50?? She’s a bloody fool if she agrees to that.

This guy is neither a good boyfriend nor a good father.

No partner should even be thinking of putting step-parenting in any form onto someone they have just started seeing. This time is about getting to know each other as adults, not about future roles. To be talking about moving in together at 4 months is over the top, even without kids.

As a father his kids do not need to meet every girlfriend, and 4 months is very early for young kids. To be discussing step-parenting before having even met is putting his needs about his children’s.

He is one to run away from, fast.