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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He left, Finally.

212 replies

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 06:21

That's it really, He left.

After a few years of constantly threatening to leave me, Me playing into it begging him to stay. Apologizing for anything and everything to convince him to stay. Putting up with so much of what I now know is emotional abuse (I was put in touch with Women's Aid) I constantly questioned if I was a horrible person that deserved everything. I said to him the next time you verbally abuse me will be the last time, And it was. The problem here is that in turn I became verbally abusive, I said horrible unforgivable things, Because I didn't want him to forgive me, I wanted him to leave.

We would have a disagreement, I would get the silent treatment for up to a few weeks - He would then finally talk to me and make me guess what I had done wrong, And I would, I would wrack my brain and try and think of things that might have upset him and he would agree with every one and then say nope keep guessing, It used to go on for hours.

He would take my mode of transportation away from me at the drop of a hat (Rural)

Refuse to contribute financially because I didn't deserve it.

Shine lights in my face to prevent me from sleeping.

Shout at me and intimidate me but then say it's not like I'm hitting you

He would sent me pages and pages of messages listing my faults and how I was responsible for the relationship failing.

He would tell me constantly that I needed to go to the doctors because I was mentally unwell and needed help because it was impacting our relationship.

He became sexually abusive recently (Not R. But very unwanted touching etc and then anger when I asked him not to) and I think that was the final straw for me, I'm not sure why this pushed me over the edge but I think I can pinpoint it to that.

I haven't stopped shaking since yesterday afternoon, Feel sick and worried, He took our car which leaves me a bit screwed. But apart from that which I think I have sorted I definitely feel lighter and relieved.

I don't know what the point in this post is really, But it's over and he's gone. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I have said. Awful horrible vitoral. I became him in that moment yesterday and I scared myself. I can't ever go back.

The house is mine and he doesn't have and can't copy keys, All of the bills etc are in my name so we are now completely separate.

OP posts:
Halfull · 02/01/2026 06:29

Didn’t want to read and run but just offering a handhold. Don’t think you should give what you said yesterday a second thought because it sounds like he deserved every word the abusive arsehole. Do something nice for yourself today and cleanse the house of the bastard.

Philandbill · 02/01/2026 06:30

I'm so sorry OP, what a truly dreadful time you have had. I hope you have real life support to help you. Does your employer have a counselling service that you can access? I hope that you start to find joy in 2026.

Cando6 · 02/01/2026 06:30

Well congratulations. Enjoy a peaceful 2026. It sounds as though you didn’t enjoy acting like him but in these circumstances that’s entirely forgivable.
Are you feeling strong enough to do what you must do now? Ignore any attempts by him to come back or ‘punish’ you? Are you safe?

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 06:32

Philandbill · 02/01/2026 06:30

I'm so sorry OP, what a truly dreadful time you have had. I hope you have real life support to help you. Does your employer have a counselling service that you can access? I hope that you start to find joy in 2026.

Thank you, I have really good friends so I'm leaning on them just now. I am already in private counseling which also allowed me to realize what was happening. Funnily enough he made me go to counseling to sort out my behavior... Little did he know it alerted me to his!

OP posts:
Mathsbabe · 02/01/2026 06:33

In the face of the extreme abuse that you’ve been subjected to any response from you is understandable and forgivable. You are free now. Who is the registered keeper of the car?

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 06:33

Cando6 · 02/01/2026 06:30

Well congratulations. Enjoy a peaceful 2026. It sounds as though you didn’t enjoy acting like him but in these circumstances that’s entirely forgivable.
Are you feeling strong enough to do what you must do now? Ignore any attempts by him to come back or ‘punish’ you? Are you safe?

Thank you.
I've blocked him on absolutely everything. I don't think he'll contact me, Because I was verbally abusive to him he feels wronged. He'll never ever apologize first or break contact first. So I think as long as I don't crawl back it's all going to be fine.

OP posts:
Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 06:34

Mathsbabe · 02/01/2026 06:33

In the face of the extreme abuse that you’ve been subjected to any response from you is understandable and forgivable. You are free now. Who is the registered keeper of the car?

Him unfortunately. But honestly I don't really care about the car, I can get a runner, I've been saving secretly for a while.

OP posts:
Aplstrudl · 02/01/2026 06:35

Congrats! Who owns the car?

Flatandhappy · 02/01/2026 07:02

Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship, it’s a tough thing to do.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 02/01/2026 07:05

Well done! It sounds horrendous. Id say shining a light in your face so you cannot sleep is physical. Keep going to counselling.

VoodooQualities · 02/01/2026 07:08

Well done, and to me it just sounds like you finally gave as good as you got so don't worry about 'becoming him'. You did what you had to do to end the awful situation you were in.

Have you got a job? Can you get one?

DO NOT go back to him!

Lennonjingles · 02/01/2026 07:11

Well done, perhaps you needed to be verbally abusive to see how it feels and you knew that would be the point where he would leave, so don’t be so hard on yourself, it was done for a reason, you had reached your limit.

Enrichetta · 02/01/2026 07:16

Aplstrudl · 02/01/2026 06:35

Congrats! Who owns the car?

This. Ownership trumps being the registered keeper.

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 07:32

I do have a job, I'm financially independent, Learned that lesson after the first split.

The car is jointly bought. I can get another one. It's just a car, I don't want to open up anymore lines of communication so I'm just going to leave it there.

OP posts:
unsync · 02/01/2026 07:35

Things will get better now. It is hard recovering from this (or any) type of abuse. He has undermined you and it is common to feel self doubt and paralysis. You get used to moderating your behaviour, so that now you don't need to, you can't remember how.

Having been there too, I would say be aware that you may feel grief for the life you thought you were going to have. That's OK. Give yourself time and grace to heal. It's OK to not know what to do. You don't have to do anything. Just take it one day at a time and continue with your counsellor.

Ooodelally · 02/01/2026 07:39

Well done on escaping this, he sounds horribly abusive and I am sure more than deserved a small taste of his own medicine! Please stay strong and keep yourself safely away from him going forward x

LauRRen144 · 02/01/2026 07:40

🫂 if you feel like going back please read this thread. You’re being so brave, hopefully this is a positive start to the year xx

Billybagpuss · 02/01/2026 07:45

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 07:32

I do have a job, I'm financially independent, Learned that lesson after the first split.

The car is jointly bought. I can get another one. It's just a car, I don't want to open up anymore lines of communication so I'm just going to leave it there.

Cars may be jointly bought but only one owner on the v5 if it’s you it’s the only thing still connecting you. If he gets tickets road violations etc they will come to you. if you know where he’s staying send off the change of ownership papers yourself so you are no longer connected.

it probably doesn’t feel like this is the appropriate wording right now but congratulations and have the best 2026

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 07:46

Billybagpuss · 02/01/2026 07:45

Cars may be jointly bought but only one owner on the v5 if it’s you it’s the only thing still connecting you. If he gets tickets road violations etc they will come to you. if you know where he’s staying send off the change of ownership papers yourself so you are no longer connected.

it probably doesn’t feel like this is the appropriate wording right now but congratulations and have the best 2026

We both put in money but he 'bought' it. So no issues there I don't think.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/01/2026 07:51

I think you wrote this because you needed to see in black and white how bad it really was. And so what if you 'verbally abused' him? I'm sure you were telling him a few home truths - and I'm not sure I'd like calling it 'verbal abuse' in this situation, more like a desperate woman at the end of her tether.

He truly sounds appalling and you are well rid. I hope your life goes from strength to strength now. You've got this.

winter8090 · 02/01/2026 07:52

It sounds like your 2026 has got off to a great start.

Sometimes the best decisions feel hard. But I am sure you’ll look back and realise this is your turning point.

Stay strong and start planning your future.

catpigeon · 02/01/2026 07:53

Congrats!

MeTooOverHere · 02/01/2026 07:54

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 06:21

That's it really, He left.

After a few years of constantly threatening to leave me, Me playing into it begging him to stay. Apologizing for anything and everything to convince him to stay. Putting up with so much of what I now know is emotional abuse (I was put in touch with Women's Aid) I constantly questioned if I was a horrible person that deserved everything. I said to him the next time you verbally abuse me will be the last time, And it was. The problem here is that in turn I became verbally abusive, I said horrible unforgivable things, Because I didn't want him to forgive me, I wanted him to leave.

We would have a disagreement, I would get the silent treatment for up to a few weeks - He would then finally talk to me and make me guess what I had done wrong, And I would, I would wrack my brain and try and think of things that might have upset him and he would agree with every one and then say nope keep guessing, It used to go on for hours.

He would take my mode of transportation away from me at the drop of a hat (Rural)

Refuse to contribute financially because I didn't deserve it.

Shine lights in my face to prevent me from sleeping.

Shout at me and intimidate me but then say it's not like I'm hitting you

He would sent me pages and pages of messages listing my faults and how I was responsible for the relationship failing.

He would tell me constantly that I needed to go to the doctors because I was mentally unwell and needed help because it was impacting our relationship.

He became sexually abusive recently (Not R. But very unwanted touching etc and then anger when I asked him not to) and I think that was the final straw for me, I'm not sure why this pushed me over the edge but I think I can pinpoint it to that.

I haven't stopped shaking since yesterday afternoon, Feel sick and worried, He took our car which leaves me a bit screwed. But apart from that which I think I have sorted I definitely feel lighter and relieved.

I don't know what the point in this post is really, But it's over and he's gone. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I have said. Awful horrible vitoral. I became him in that moment yesterday and I scared myself. I can't ever go back.

The house is mine and he doesn't have and can't copy keys, All of the bills etc are in my name so we are now completely separate.

Ghastly man by the sounds. Congratulations, you can now sort out whatever else is needed to sort in your life and move on. Easiest fix ever!

Meadowfinch · 02/01/2026 07:55

Muddlethroughmam · 02/01/2026 07:32

I do have a job, I'm financially independent, Learned that lesson after the first split.

The car is jointly bought. I can get another one. It's just a car, I don't want to open up anymore lines of communication so I'm just going to leave it there.

Congratulations OP. Have a very very happy, relaxed and safe 2026. xx

Bogeyes · 02/01/2026 07:59

Is the car in your name? If it is still in your name any parking tickets will be sent to you. My ex took my car so I transferred it over to them. I didn't careabout the car and didn't want the problems.