He left, Finally.

[Muddlethroughmam]

That's it really, He left.

After a few years of constantly threatening to leave me, Me playing into it begging him to stay. Apologizing for anything and everything to convince him to stay. Putting up with so much of what I now know is emotional abuse (I was put in touch with Women's Aid) I constantly questioned if I was a horrible person that deserved everything. I said to him the next time you verbally abuse me will be the last time, And it was. The problem here is that in turn I became verbally abusive, I said horrible unforgivable things, Because I didn't want him to forgive me, I wanted him to leave.

We would have a disagreement, I would get the silent treatment for up to a few weeks - He would then finally talk to me and make me guess what I had done wrong, And I would, I would wrack my brain and try and think of things that might have upset him and he would agree with every one and then say nope keep guessing, It used to go on for hours.

He would take my mode of transportation away from me at the drop of a hat (Rural)

Refuse to contribute financially because I didn't deserve it.

Shine lights in my face to prevent me from sleeping.

Shout at me and intimidate me but then say it's not like I'm hitting you

He would sent me pages and pages of messages listing my faults and how I was responsible for the relationship failing.

He would tell me constantly that I needed to go to the doctors because I was mentally unwell and needed help because it was impacting our relationship.

He became sexually abusive recently (Not R. But very unwanted touching etc and then anger when I asked him not to) and I think that was the final straw for me, I'm not sure why this pushed me over the edge but I think I can pinpoint it to that.

I haven't stopped shaking since yesterday afternoon, Feel sick and worried, He took our car which leaves me a bit screwed. But apart from that which I think I have sorted I definitely feel lighter and relieved.

I don't know what the point in this post is really, But it's over and he's gone. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I have said. Awful horrible vitoral. I became him in that moment yesterday and I scared myself. I can't ever go back.

The house is mine and he doesn't have and can't copy keys, All of the bills etc are in my name so we are now completely separate.

Children are mostly upset about this situation it is hard for them because they usually love their Dads etc. I work with families in this situation but off with flu this week. You mentioned in an earlier post you had arranged some counselling for your child which will help. Did you contact a DA agency or Family Hub early intervention team because they will help you with this? Schools are also helpful as usually have a Pastoral team. Wish you well

@Muddlethroughmam

You deal with it by remaining calm. By allowing him to talk about his feelings. Listen carefully to try to 'pick out' what his fear or upset actually is. Don't try to tell him that his feelings are 'wrong' and give reasons why. And don't become overly emotional. Just listen and let him talk. Chances are that right now he's confused, unsettled, and not able to really 'hear' you. Then reassure him that you love him and that you'll both be OK. If he asks about the future, especially if he'll see that man again, for now keep it vague. Let him 'settle in' to it just being the two of you before you get into that.

Once he's calmed down, how much you tell him about the reality of the situation is dependent upon his age. If he's little you can try "Sometimes mummies and daddies (or whatever term he uses for your ex) just can't get along anymore. When that happens they both get very unhappy so it's best if they don't live together". If he's old enough to understand abuse, and especially if he's seen the abuse happen, you can be a bit more direct "Dad (or whatever he called him) was being mean/nasty/abusive (use age appropriate word) to me and it's become so bad that I had to leave". If he's a teen, just tell the truth in plain terms, omitting any sexual abuse.

But remember, for now just listen. And if you feel the need, consult with an expert as to what to say and when.

Sounds like a torturer. You are well rid.

Sorry the weather has put a dent in everything this week.

Day 1 was really hard. But now I think he has realized that we are both free, I've not seen my DS this happy in a very long time. The house is calm and full of laughter again. I genuinely couldn't have wished for a better way to start 2026.

it sounds like you are in a good place OP.

Its a good idea to let the car go - but if you are paying for the insurance, or the insurance is in your name you should cancel the policy & let him know the car is no longer insured.

There will be good & bad days but just know life will be improving bit by bit every day from now on.

You are a very strong and brave woman. Well done you. From now on it’s your happiness and your son’s that counts. Enjoy 2026 and the freedom you now have.

Well done OP. Moving forward is the only way now.

You mentioned that your ds was not in a good place about it initially, but now in just a few days he will have seen how less toxic his environment is.

OP, if you have the strength, consider talking to 101 about his terrible abuse of you, his sexual assaults, him taking the car, his criminal damage of your property.

Do it for yourself and his next victim who might make a Claire's law request and learn what scum he actually is.

Well done.

My darling I’ve been there. Personalise your car, give it a name. If you liked animals I would lend you one of my Labradors. Soft, loyal, stick to you like glue, great company and bark like a rocket or going off.

Be kind it will take time to build new friends, social life. Well done you for 2026. Xx

I have reported the abuse to the police. They seem to be taking it all very seriously. But there's virtually no evidence. Messages & One unsolicited picture and a family member and a friend witnessing abuse. I don't feel like it will be enough.

Sounds like quite a bit of evidence to be honest. What other evidence would there be? Well done for reporting it, he’s a piece of work, hope no good comes to him in the future.

Erm I'm not sure really. I guess because there was no bruises or injuries.

I just would have thought it would be my word against his.

You have nothing at all to reproach yourself for at all op. Nothing.

I wish you all the very best in your new life.

All the best wishes to you and well done 👏

Your future is bright for you and your son. I truly wish you all the very best. X

Whose name is on the insurance?

Who holds the title - physically? Where is it?

Is there a car loan or one that is now paid off?
Who has the paperwork?

If he were to be involved in a crash of some sort, would you have an issue getting insurance on your next car?

Forgive yourself without reserve for whatever you said to him.

Write it all on a piece of paper and burn it.

Well done for reporting to Police. Google Domestic Abuse Act 2021 and read especially Coercive and Controlling behaviour part which is now a Crime. You don't need evidence to prove that your word is enough. Write a backdated log of his abusive behaviour with rough datea and keep adding to it if he continues with anything.

He doesn't believe that - it's just a stick to beat you with.

Report his abuse to the police and tell them you're afraid he will return and escalate.

Just to add my two pennies worth!
My ex of almost a year was very similar - I do think they all follow a pattern anyway - he was the victim, I am the abuser and mentally ill blah blah blah.
I had started keeping journals when his behaviour became worse - not for any future evidential need - but to try and make sense of it all (you cant, but it helps to write it all down).
He forced me into a position in which I had to call the police for help - scary, threatening, nasty. The split could have been amicable/normal whatever you want to call it - he could have taken the car and his share of whatever we owned and be gone - with some integrity intact.
HE FORCED ME to involve the police from his behaviour.
Anyway - long story short - I started hearing about coercive control, gaslighting, domestic abuse and the police wanted to prosecute. I didn't, I felt it would make him worse, but I listened to them as quite frankly I was in no fit state to decide anything. I trusted the system.
Despite witness statements and two years of journals that intimately described everything he had ever said or done to me - the CPS decided they had insufficient evidence.
You pretty much need to be beaten up in front of a CCTV camera to get a prosecution.
For me, the new coercive control laws are a tick boxing exercise and so difficult to prove.
The plus side of having the police go through the motions is a restraining order, his name being 'on file' and popping up if some other poor soul hooks up with him and decides to make a Claires Law request. It also tells these bullies that you wont tolerate their behaviour and that you will report it.

I still question everything, even a year later. I still have bad days, I still cry now and then and I still feel sorry for him/us/the great future we could have had. Despite nearly a year of therapy and my doctors help, I still focus on the time I screamed at him to 'f off' as if that caused him to do and say all that he did to me!

It all takes time, there is no hurry - but you did absolutely the right thing and you/I and everyone else will be just fine. Proud of you, me and everyone else that says 'ENOUGH' and walks away x

Well done!!

@Muddlethroughmam

Well done you! Reporting to the police was the right thing to do. Keep reporting any threats or behaviour intended to intimidate or frighten you. Keep on building that paper trail!

Listen, even if there isn't enough to prosecute him at this point at least he now knows that you aren't afraid to go to the police. That's a good thing in itself.

How you feeling OP?

Hi all, sorry haven't really been on much.
The police have been amazing, Received no judgement, Even things I thought were silly were taken very seriously.
He should be arrested soon, So we'll just need to go from there.

But, Life is good, I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy and free. We laugh, we sing, we dance.
I can read and laze around if I want, there's no shouting, no silent treatment. I get up when I want, go to bed when I want, eat what I want when I want.
Have days where I'm a bit teary and I think God what have I done, knowing that I can't stop the process now. But I feel it's important to see it through in the hope that he is convicted of something that will show up on a Claire's law.