He left, Finally.

[Muddlethroughmam]

That's it really, He left.

After a few years of constantly threatening to leave me, Me playing into it begging him to stay. Apologizing for anything and everything to convince him to stay. Putting up with so much of what I now know is emotional abuse (I was put in touch with Women's Aid) I constantly questioned if I was a horrible person that deserved everything. I said to him the next time you verbally abuse me will be the last time, And it was. The problem here is that in turn I became verbally abusive, I said horrible unforgivable things, Because I didn't want him to forgive me, I wanted him to leave.

We would have a disagreement, I would get the silent treatment for up to a few weeks - He would then finally talk to me and make me guess what I had done wrong, And I would, I would wrack my brain and try and think of things that might have upset him and he would agree with every one and then say nope keep guessing, It used to go on for hours.

He would take my mode of transportation away from me at the drop of a hat (Rural)

Refuse to contribute financially because I didn't deserve it.

Shine lights in my face to prevent me from sleeping.

Shout at me and intimidate me but then say it's not like I'm hitting you

He would sent me pages and pages of messages listing my faults and how I was responsible for the relationship failing.

He would tell me constantly that I needed to go to the doctors because I was mentally unwell and needed help because it was impacting our relationship.

He became sexually abusive recently (Not R. But very unwanted touching etc and then anger when I asked him not to) and I think that was the final straw for me, I'm not sure why this pushed me over the edge but I think I can pinpoint it to that.

I haven't stopped shaking since yesterday afternoon, Feel sick and worried, He took our car which leaves me a bit screwed. But apart from that which I think I have sorted I definitely feel lighter and relieved.

I don't know what the point in this post is really, But it's over and he's gone. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to forgive myself for the things I have said. Awful horrible vitoral. I became him in that moment yesterday and I scared myself. I can't ever go back.

The house is mine and he doesn't have and can't copy keys, All of the bills etc are in my name so we are now completely separate.

I felt like this when I finally got rid of my abusive ex.

Its not that you are scared of being alone, it really isnt. Its that the peace is unsettling and weird when you have lived on eggshells for so long. Realising that you dont have to tiptoe, that you dont have to ask what they want to do , eat or watch. That you dont have to worry about being punished for some unknown crime, that you can actually relax.....its weird. The noise you didnt realise that you have been hearing for so many years has finally stopped, and the silence is odd!

Its how I imagine animals that have been born in captivity must feel when they are released into the wild. Suddenly there are no boundaries, no cages and that is a bit scary.

What I did was to put on my calendar a time when I could sit and allow myself to think and wallow. Work at the time was insane (ran a pub and it was just before Xmas) so I diarised 3 months ahead. I booked 2 weeks off work in order to just let myself feel all those things. A month before, I cancelled the time off and booked a summer holiday instead as I didnt need that time.

You will embrace the freedom soon, I promise.

Well done. I truly hope everything goes well for you from now on. You have been so very brave you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!

Best wishes xxx

Good for you. Dont feel bad for giving him back what he gave to you. Good luck with the new start. Well done!!

OP I know something about what you went through. Honestly, once you pass the feeling alone part it gets a lot easier. Don’t let him come back, ever, even when you feel a wobble. You are doing all the right things. What a way to start the year! Wishing you all the peace in the world.

Well done OP I am an IDVA (DA worker) so understand how difficult this was for you.. Don't worry about the words you used to him he deserved all of them. He will probably try to get you back saying he has changed and all the usual rubbish perpetrators say. You may be tempted due to loneliness etc but he will not have changed. It will take a long time to recover but you deserve better. Try and join an online DA support group to meet other women with a similar experience. Womens Aid could help with this or Refuge. Wish you well.

Hey! I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through, I’ve been through very similar but I’m 2 years free so didn’t want to read and run.

First things first forgive yourself for what you’ve said to him. You were in the midst of emotional abuse, and this changes a person.
You are not verbally abusive you experienced reactive abuse, you reacted to your abuser!
Towards the end I did similar because I just stopped caring, n you’ve probably been conditioned to talk this way because of him.

Secondly arm yourself up with knowledge. Podcasts, books on abuse. It’s hard when you finally leave an abusive relationship and you may over time find yourself wanting him back, thinking of good times and forgetting the bad.
This is a trauma bond and it’s like an addiction. It doesn’t mean you want him back it’s the trauma he caused.

I found writing down my thoughts helped.

A few books I’d start with are
1.Why does he do that
2.Was this even abuse
3.women who love too much

Caroline strawson’s podcast really got me through the dark times, n it’s been a long road.

You’ll find yourself slowly rebuilding but it’ll take time but you’ll come out of the other side, forgive yourself too, your not to blame for anything x

Haven't read any of this thread because I'm too shitfaced on wine. I will however not that your title says 'finally, which suggests you feel like a weight has been lifted. Good for you girl, fuck him. Cabn pretty much guarantee you're better than him in every possible way. The only way is up for you now xx

The break up must feel like a massive shock but you are free of him. It is for the best. If you ever feel lonely remember you have your friends and the whole of MN to support you. I hope your 2026 is an amazing year in which you rediscover life without a horrible abusive man in it. Scary to be facing some of life’s difficulties when you’re used to having a partner, but this partner was not worth the pain. However you look at it, you are better off without him.

Bloody well done OP.

I don't think you really know quite how strong you are really.

Just look. Within hours of him gone you have sorted out locks and got another car.

Like others have said, unfortunately I don't think he is just going to leave and you never hear from him again. He will more than likely follow the pattern that most do. He's left now insisting you are abusive (meanwhile it's retaliation), will make you 'stew' for a bit. When he receives no pick me behaviour from you, he will change his tune and try to come back like some grand prince here to save the day.

What he has done to you is disgusting. Shining a light in your face!! I think what pp suggested to log this all with the police so that they have a record. Someone like this is never wrong is their mind, so just be one step ahead now.

Do you have tiktok? There is a trend on there at the moment where women are posting photos and clips of themselves from before and then after their divorce. Having been there too, I could watch these 'glow ups' all day. It's the look in every women's face in the after photos. It's not about make up and that, many look like different people.

Keep posting here. Even if you have some down moments or if you feel like you are having a wobble xx

Congratulations for getting rid! Please don’t feel guilty for what you said it was fight or flight. Truly hoping 2026 is a better year for you.

Well done OP. You have been incredibly brave. Yes there will be down days but in 6 month's time you won't know yourself.

If he tries to contact you, the police are there to assist

Very well done.
Please can you speak for the police now and take their advice as to what to do if eg he surprises you at home. Is your house totally secure? This is a very nasty and unbalanced man. Can you go elsewhere for a while?

When you feel able, I’d take up a new interest that you weren’t able to do before. The start of your new life of freedom.

Just wanted to add a sympathetic voice.I really hope you can forgive yourself, of course you were in the right to say nasty things back to him, you were trying to protect yourself.
My god he was shining lights in your eyes when you tried to sleep, it sounds like what happens when someone is tortured.
You've had a really bad time, you're free from this awful person now.I hope you get the support you need.
I too have suffered mental and physical abuse from a boyfriend and I escaped and am living a good life now, you will too, you just got to believe you can.

This 100%. Assuming this is not OP's normal behaviour, I would think it was an extreme response to ongoing provocation. I did the same myself recently; said something that was so out of character and offensive but realised later that it came after months of neglect, emotional abandonment and negging - I had finally had enough. Whilst I'm not proud of it, I have huge compassion for myself and how I got to that point. I hope OP can find the same.

The rubbish took itself out, as they say on MN. Don't ever let him back in.

He has emotionally abused you for years. You are better off without him and stronger than you know. Well done for seeing him clearly as the shit he is, and here's hoping for a happy 2026 for you without him dragging you down.

Congratulations! You’ve started 2026 by getting rid of the ghastly man. Don’t beat yourself up at being verbally abusive back, it sounds like it was needed to be done after a long time of taking it! Stay strong OP, you do not need this ‘man’ in your life. Get yourself a small run-about car, lean on your friends, read through this posting whenever you feel a waver! You’re strong, you now finally have peace of mind. Be proud of yourself, take each day at a time, block him on everything! Look forward to a fantastic 2026 @Muddlethroughmam

Congratulations and happy new year OP, here's to a 2026 without a millstone round your neck.

I know you said you don't think he'll come back, but abusers like him rarely stay away for long once they realise you won't be crawling back to them. Unless he's already lined up a new victim, he'll probably find a way to make contact and attempt to reel you back in. Just be prepared for some nasty tactics.

Congrats on him leaving OP. Wishing you a wonderful and more peaceful 2026

Well done Op. As for this bit I became him in that moment yesterday and I scared myself. I'd say you didn't "become him" as you felt bad about how you acted and the things you said....he enjoyed how he behaved towards you, so let go of that guilt because it's misplaced.

Huge well done, your new happy life starts now xxx

Don’t forget the lock on your bedroom door, some sort of household tool to keep in there. (Hammer, spanner etc)

also let friends, work place and most importantly neighbours know that you’re not together and if he is to show up etc they need to contact police.

He’s shown you how angry and spiteful he can be now you’re standing up for yourself.

Well done and you’re on the first step to recovery. Remember 2026 is your year - enjoy! 💐

He's a horrible human being but try and reconcile with the fact it is just stuff.

No, it can't be replaced, but you will always hold the memories they invoked within you.

It's confirmation that he's the sort of person you don't want or need in your life. He doesn't add to it, he just takes away, forcibly.

Don't feel guilty for the things you've said, you did so out of necessity. You were in survival mode, and I can guarantee he's never lost sleep about the things he has said or done to you. He isn't owed kindness. He isn't owed respect.

You are though, not from him, but from yourself. If you ever doubt yourself ask yourself what would I tell a friend going through this.