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Original poster

Have deadline and partner seems to be sabotaging me

92 replies

theotherfossilsister · 30/12/2025 12:44

I am so so lucky to have a literary agent for my novel. It’s something I worked for a fought for for years. My first book had loads of full requests but no takers, though one who asked me to do a full rewrite and resubmit, which my partner grouched about as it was taking time from him.

Now we have an autistic child. I have a literary agent for my third book and she has written me a long editorial letter of things she wants me to implement before I go on sub. I work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near.

today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.)

I feel like he wants me to fail

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/12/2025 12:47

Can you go elsewhere to do it?

I know you shouldn't have to but deadlines are a now problem. Dickhead husbands can wait to be dealt with.

Even if you have to organise a babysitter so he cant pull the refusing the parent thing. Then go somewhere quiet and turn your phone off.

Bimblebombles · 30/12/2025 12:48

Is it more that he just doesn’t want to parent solo? Does he do the same thing when your child is at school for example or is it just when you’re all home?

Igmum · 30/12/2025 12:53

Your DP is a knob and sadly men wanting their partners to fail are all too common. I think you should become a prize winning novelist and tell him to sod off. Good luck @theotherfossilsister and congratulations on your success so far.

OneOfEachPlease · 30/12/2025 12:55

Does he usually do his fair share of parenting or is what he’s actually complaining about having to parent at all?

I think this is one of those situations where you get cross and say outright “I don’t know what you don’t understand about this being a deadline, this is work. Why do you want me to fail?“ And then shut the door.

Bananalanacake · 30/12/2025 13:11

He is controlling, what else does he do, stop you from meeting friends?

FeedingPidgeons · 30/12/2025 13:46

He "insisted we do something as a family" and you said "no, as I told you, I have a deadline" - right?

He sounds like a prick but if you keep caving in then he will keep doing it. From his perspective, he is entitled to your time and to squash your attempt at independence.

The fact that you give up and comply proves his point, in his mind.

janalam · 30/12/2025 13:48

I am a professional writer - congrats on finding an agent, it’s no mean feat!

Unfortunately I think your DH’s attitude is not uncommon, particularly if you are at the stage where you are writing alongside your day job and looking after your child. People seem to think that writing is fun and easy - even though it’s how I make a living, it doesn’t seem to be taken as seriously as other jobs, perhaps because we’re making stuff up 😂

You need to calmly explain to your DH that this isn’t just a hobby for you at this stage - you have representation and novels don’t write or edit themselves, so you will need to carve out time to make this happen.

As an aside - and I’m not sure if this is the case for you guys, but…it never fails to annoy me how many men are perfectly happy for their female partners to take on the lion’s share of childcare most of the time, but when it’s their turn to do some solo parenting, start bleating about wanting to ‘spend time together as a family’. If it feels like this, nip that shit in the bud right now!

Good luck OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2025 14:02

Do not further give into his unreasonable demands on your time.

Sounds like your partner now needs to become your ex partner because such behaviour is abusive in nature. In fact I would now start thinking about how to make him your ex partner. He has had his nose put well out of joint by you now having a literary agent and some success and he does not like it at all.

He is supposed to be the number 1 big Man whom you worship and or otherwise bow down to in his head. Your child, you and your writings are of no real concern to him at all.

Shambles123 · 30/12/2025 14:15

He is jealous. He may also be a little sexist and think it is a women's job to look after children.

After you have hit your deadline you need to deal with this.

BuckChuckets · 30/12/2025 14:18

I'm sorry he's being such a dick, you definitely need to sit down and have a conversation with him. As others have said, is he controlling in other ways?

Shitmonger · 30/12/2025 15:12

today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family

So you say “No, I have work to do.” He can suggest but he doesn’t get to demand insist. He’s neither your father nor your boss.

Be careful that you don’t sabotage you by going along with whatever he wants. I’ve had writing/editing deadlines for most of my adult life. It’s very easy to go along with someone’s insistent plans and then privately blame them for being behind when in fact I could have simply declined. It’s something I had to really get tough on myself about as my career progressed.

Hollyleaves · 30/12/2025 15:17

theotherfossilsister · 30/12/2025 12:44

I am so so lucky to have a literary agent for my novel. It’s something I worked for a fought for for years. My first book had loads of full requests but no takers, though one who asked me to do a full rewrite and resubmit, which my partner grouched about as it was taking time from him.

Now we have an autistic child. I have a literary agent for my third book and she has written me a long editorial letter of things she wants me to implement before I go on sub. I work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near.

today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.)

I feel like he wants me to fail

My husband is a writer and I encourage him to go away from the family and to his writing cave /

but can you get a visual diary out - we have a large one and family time and solo time and work is booked into that no arguments then!

Could be he isn’t seeing the impact - so you need to say look today 9-3 we did family time I’m taking 4-7 to write. I will do family time tomorrow from 9-12 and write 1-4 and then family time 5-8 pm etc

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 30/12/2025 15:19

Have you said all this to him?

Luckyingame · 30/12/2025 15:26

Igmum · 30/12/2025 12:53

Your DP is a knob and sadly men wanting their partners to fail are all too common. I think you should become a prize winning novelist and tell him to sod off. Good luck @theotherfossilsister and congratulations on your success so far.

You said it first.
Nothing to add.

Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 31/12/2025 12:25

Thank you all. He’s not actually controlling in other ways. He actively encourages me to go out and see friends. He’s very social himself and gets his energy from socialising so finds it confusing that I want my down time to be solitary things like reading/writing.

The book is work but there is guarantee it will sell on sub even with a brilliant agent on side. By implementing the edits I’m giving it the best chance possible but then I’ll have to let it go. Desperate for this one to sell for enough that I can reduce my hours though and actually have time writing that is work and seen as justified rather than some massive self indulgent luxury.

a visual diary is a great idea for balance, thanks @Hollyleaves

@janalam you’re right, it’s such a tricky time and therefore hard to justify the time. I’d love this novel to sell and be able to make writing my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 31/12/2025 12:45

Igmum · 30/12/2025 12:53

Your DP is a knob and sadly men wanting their partners to fail are all too common. I think you should become a prize winning novelist and tell him to sod off. Good luck @theotherfossilsister and congratulations on your success so far.

thank you, I do sometimes daydream about the women’s prize then feel very silly and full of myself.

OP posts:
janalam · 31/12/2025 13:05

@theotherfossilsister - glad it was helpful. This isn't what your original post was asking, but just in terms of the future, I would say - be very aware of the reality of 'making writing your job'. It is very, very tough right now for the vast majority of working writers - be they novelists, screenwriters or journalists.

I know so many people struggling to get work at the moment, and it can be brutal. Example - a novelist friend of mine who started out with a 3 book deal with a major publisher was eventually dropped by said publisher after her second as her sales weren't good enough. She was already quite a big name and had lots of PR behind her at the start.

If you need a stable income, it's very wise to try to 'keep your hand in' in your other line of work in the current climate. Don't make the mistake of giving everything else up at the first bit of success you have - it's tempting to think you might continue on an upwards trajectory once you have an agent/get published/write the second book or whatever...but it's not necessarily always the case, sadly.

I don't mean to sound doom and gloom, but that's the reality. All that said, you should absolutely persist and go for it - we only live once and it sounds like you are going places already. Good luck OP!

Authorperson · 31/12/2025 13:18

Imagine if he had a deadline, would he allow you to sabotage it?

I'm also an author, currently carving out some time to meet a deadline (procrastinating on MN obvs). DH has been off this week and doing puppy sad face every time I have announce I'm off to continue my work. I usually say something like, 'hope you have something nice planned with the children today!'

While we both work full time in term time, school holidays are literally the only time I get to write, since I am working in paid jobs during term time (not that writing isn't theoretically paid, but it isn't paying much at the moment, sorry)

I know he would like me to come and wife for him by making everyone's food and thinking up things for them all to do then organising said things but I have recently decided to ignore that and get on with my important work.

You must also do this, for your own sanity my love.

Good luck

CatHasTrophy · 31/12/2025 13:35

Hi OP. I am an author too, but never really had this problem, thankfully, apart from one or two occasions.

You need to drum it into your DH that this is now basically a second job for you. Your edits are vital to that job.

janalam is right too. Publishing is a cut-throat business. Don't let that put you off, though! Managing to bag an agent is no mean feat, so huge congratulations on that 👏

Muffinmam · 31/12/2025 13:49

He is sabotaging you.

May I ask - how did you get a literary agent? Did you just submit everywhere?

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 31/12/2025 14:07

he insisted we do something as a family

= He doesn't want to have to look after his own dc and wants you to do it, under the guise of 'family time'.

Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 31/12/2025 14:07

Muffinmam · 31/12/2025 13:49

He is sabotaging you.

May I ask - how did you get a literary agent? Did you just submit everywhere?

Want to talk in pm? I had a lot of people who wanted me to stay in touch after novel one was rejected by all xx

OP posts:
BellesAndGraces · 31/12/2025 14:10

gamerchick · 30/12/2025 12:47

Can you go elsewhere to do it?

I know you shouldn't have to but deadlines are a now problem. Dickhead husbands can wait to be dealt with.

Even if you have to organise a babysitter so he cant pull the refusing the parent thing. Then go somewhere quiet and turn your phone off.

Edited

You should consider this post as it offers practical advice, rather than just agreeing that, yes, he is trying to sabotage you.

Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 31/12/2025 14:13

janalam · 31/12/2025 13:05

@theotherfossilsister - glad it was helpful. This isn't what your original post was asking, but just in terms of the future, I would say - be very aware of the reality of 'making writing your job'. It is very, very tough right now for the vast majority of working writers - be they novelists, screenwriters or journalists.

I know so many people struggling to get work at the moment, and it can be brutal. Example - a novelist friend of mine who started out with a 3 book deal with a major publisher was eventually dropped by said publisher after her second as her sales weren't good enough. She was already quite a big name and had lots of PR behind her at the start.

If you need a stable income, it's very wise to try to 'keep your hand in' in your other line of work in the current climate. Don't make the mistake of giving everything else up at the first bit of success you have - it's tempting to think you might continue on an upwards trajectory once you have an agent/get published/write the second book or whatever...but it's not necessarily always the case, sadly.

I don't mean to sound doom and gloom, but that's the reality. All that said, you should absolutely persist and go for it - we only live once and it sounds like you are going places already. Good luck OP!

I get it, I really do, and it sucks for your friend. Whatever happens I’ll keep the day job but would love to reduce hours. One of the reasons I’m so keen on the edits, obsessive even is that I want to give this book the best chance when it goes out on sub. I was on sub before and got so many, we loved this etc, and one acquisitions meeting but no offers.

I feel if there was even a small amount of money my right to do this would count and I wouldn’t have to do whatever else he wants.

we have relationship counselling, but he
keeps saying he sees writing as my hobby until it’s paid.

He can be great and things are tough at thr
moment so I get it, I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
theotherfossilsister · 31/12/2025 14:14

BellesAndGraces · 31/12/2025 14:10

You should consider this post as it offers practical advice, rather than just agreeing that, yes, he is trying to sabotage you.

Show quote history

I will. I may have to go elsewhere, fight for those pockets of time

OP posts: