Have deadline and partner seems to be sabotaging me

[theotherfossilsister]

I am so so lucky to have a literary agent for my novel. It’s something I worked for a fought for for years. My first book had loads of full requests but no takers, though one who asked me to do a full rewrite and resubmit, which my partner grouched about as it was taking time from him.

Now we have an autistic child. I have a literary agent for my third book and she has written me a long editorial letter of things she wants me to implement before I go on sub. I work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near.

today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.)

I feel like he wants me to fail

You're missing the point that if she doesn't put in time now she will never earn from it

Exactly. It is like any other profession, you have to put the training in before you start earning from it. Most writers will have been practising their craft for years before they begin to earn any money.

I'm not missing that point at all.

She can write as much as she likes. She can devote as much of her free time to this as she is able. But until it brings in an income, it's a hobby and her husband isn't required to provide unlimited childcare and support while she does it.

When you have an agent it moves on from being a hobby to being a job.

End of.

OP should look at how much hobby-time or free time her DH has.
Her writing should take up no more time than he has for himself.

Because it is a hobby, and will remain classified as a hobby until it brings in at least minimum wage for the hours spent.

@theotherfossilsister How much time does your DH have each week for his hobbies, including exercise, elaborate cooking, and sitting on the sofa watching TV or scrolling his phone?
If you don't know, start tracking the hours both of you have.

Even when it's not currently bringing in an income, and isn't guaranteed to ever bring one in?

We'll have to agree to disagree. It's a hobby. A hobby that's going places, sure, but a hobby nonetheless.

OP sorry but he sounds vile. It’s incredibly difficult to get a literary agent and the next step is being published so I don’t see how he is still seeing it as a hobby.

But even if it were just a “hobby” it’s also your dream, why wouldn’t he support you in that? The fact he is undermining you in this screams jealousy.

My friends understood when I had to cancel things due to writing deadlines before I went on sub with my first agent. They understood writing was important to me and how close I was to being published and that obviously the deadlines were to be taken seriously .

So the fact that your life partner can’t understand this is sad. I think he’s being deliberately obtuse here.

Lol I didn’t actually mean to quote @Shitmonger but I agree with what you’ve said too!

I agree with this. I'm genuinely surprised that so many people think any different.

When I was pre-published I wouldn’t call it a hobby no, but it’s all semantics really.

The point is hobby or not she is a huge step closer to being published and he should support that. Not even because she might earn money (and most writers don’t earn much) but because it’s important to her.

It’s not as if she’s neglecting her paid work or ignoring her husband and child all the time, she is juggling everything or trying to but it seems her husband is deliberately sabotaging her efforts.

I had a “best friend” like that, I was staying with her for a while and she saw me writing a lot and she told me to pack it in as I wasn’t getting anywhere with it and was wasting my time.

Now, me writing at weekends had no impact on her life! I was lodging at hers - working during the day (6am to 7pm), coming back and helping with housework and playing with her toddler in the evenings.

Then I would spend some time at weekends holed up in the bedroom writing instead of maybe watching tv with her.

It is quite sad that some people think there is no value to something just because there’s no money attached, and that it bothers them to see someone pursuing something that they maybe cant do or can’t relate to.

I suspect if Op was just reading or knitting or baking for hours she wouldn’t have the same resistance from him.

My boyfriend now is so supportive, each time I have a new book I am writing he cheers me on and makes me tea etc and doesn’t just say oh well let’s wait until you get another book deal before it’s worth it.

yes, sorry I meant no guarantee. My agent has been good at managing my expectations about this book. She loves it but it is in no way the sort of book which becomes a bestseller. It’s quiet, nature driven, literary(ish) and the main thing in the edits is to have a narrative thrust rather than this beautiful meandering story about this place in nature and the people it impacts. I know a friend of a friend who got £1500 advance from a reputable publisher, but even this would be something to build on and give it credence in my partner’s eyes

it is a hobby in some ways, but it’s also like a job interview. I don’t think I ask for excessive time. On Tuesday I was sad because it was a little pocket I’d carved for myself.

Go to your nearest reference library and do not tell him where you’re going. He’s a jealous and selfish twat. Good luck - you can do this 💐

You don't need an advance for 'credence' in your partner's eyes.

He sounds a selfish, unloving, and out of touch man.

My H would be shouting it from the roof tops if I'd got an agent.

You don't need a payment to make your writing worthwhile.

I belong to a literary coaching organisation. The founder (female, published, 2 children) is often asked when we can call ourselves 'writers'.
The answer is, whenever you choose to.
When you take your writing seriously.
When you devote time and effort to it.

YOU need to value yourself and stop taking this shit from your H.

I'm a writer from a family of writers so I'm aware how much unpaid work is involved. For me personally, I considered writing my hobby until I got a contract and advance for my first book (non fiction).

I would absolutely encourage OP to keep going! My little book I thought no one would read ended up doing pretty well, it does happen!

The main point is this is important to you and your DH should support you, whether it's a hobby or work.

Have you considered literary non fiction, or trying to publish some articles somewhere? Both to help make a name for yourself and to go farther down the road of being a professional writer.

@theotherfossilsister congrtulations on the agent and fingers crossed for the book!

if you’re honest, is this issue restricted to the writing, or does it show up in other areas? Does he have time to himself, to use as he pleases, or is he either at work or parenting? Are the two of you equals in your relationship?

OP I think this is something you need to massively dig your heels in about.

Sit with him and set out your week, sat every Sunday for example. Set amounts of time that is just for you, time that's just for him (these should be equal amounts of hours), and time to do things as a family. Time to crack on with housework for both of you. Etc.

Soo many women end up bottom of the list to men, kids, house, wider family, everyone else's wishes, etc.

It should be fair and equal. Setting out a plan for the week and sticking to it may be a good plan to test out for a month and not give in if he "suggests" something to do as a family when it should be your time.

This!! Good luck Op!

How much free time does he take for himself?

how much time does he spend solo parenting, compared to how much time you spend parenting solo

How hands on is he when you are ‘doing things as a family’? id be highly suspicious that ‘doing things as a family ‘ is his way to have you parent when he is with the DC.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m a traditionally published novelist and able to write full time - it does happen, but it’s very much down to luck and in my case I’m aware it likely won’t last forever.
However regardless of whether you can make a living from it full time, it’s your dream. Your partner should be supportive and I’m so sorry that he’s not. Does he have unrealised ambitions of his own? Often jealousy can be at play here. You deserve to be able to take hold of this chance with both hands and it’s worrying that he doesn’t want to support you in that. Wishing you lots of luck on submission and feel free to PM me x

Thank you all. I agree that he does need free time. He plays video games and sees a personal trainer. Seeing friends is also really important to him as is travel. He’s great bc with our child too, but he seems to not understand why my writing is so important. He would never for example ask me to cancel seeing a friend or exercising if planned but somehow writing time is fair game. It’s a bit weird. We’ll talk about it.

we have therapy because we’ve been through a lot of stuff, happy and very sad. We also struggle to work together to advocate for our autistic child, although that’s a whole other issue. We both want the same but disagree about how to achieve it.

If you left him (this is a thought exercise, I'm not suggesting you do) and he wanted his equitable share of time spent with his children, would you find that this share would be more in your favour, OP, in terms of having time for yourself - be it writing or whatever you choose to spend it on? Might it be worth pointing this out to Mister Family Man?

We all know the score here: the women are doing more of the parenting and household stuff, relative to how many hours in paid employment they work.

Also, instead of telling him you've carved some time out for writing, tell him you're meeting a friend for coffee. See if he tries to sabotage that... EDIT: just read your last post and you have actually answered this - no, he wouldn't, so yes, he is sabotaging your potential success. Think hard about this, OP. It's deeply unpleasant.

It might be an interesting insight to find out what is really driving his lack of support here.

OP, it could be good to discuss this in your next therapy session as it might not be wholly related to the writing itself, and maybe he would feel able to talk about it more in that setup. As others have said you could try to both allocate hobby time and see if that helps.

I feel for you though - it's very distracting to have someone hovering and making comments when you're trying to focus or be creative. You've had a fair amount of judgement from people here too. It feels even more personal when this is something you've wanted for years, maybe even all your life, and your husband's comments chip away at your hope it will work out.

He would never for example ask me to cancel seeing a friend or exercising if planned but somehow writing time is fair game. It’s a bit weird. We’ll talk about it.

I’ve said this upthread - if it were a non-writing activity he wouldn’t be bothered.

OP can’t you see this actually backs up your belief that it is sabotage? He is deliberately targeting your writing time, not your free time in general (which would be another issue). Be very careful.

I had a male family member like this. Every friend or even stranger I told I just signed with a literary agent was so impressed and excited for me.

This family member sent a text saying “hmm what does that mean” even though he knew full well what it meant since I’d been trying to get one for years. Even when I explained my one got thousands of applicants and only took on a few new clients he just sent a short text saying “well done :)” as if I’d just sent him a picture of my latest banana bread attempt or something.

I never seen him in the same light again and suddenly saw all the evidence of how jealous he was of me and didn’t want me to shine basically.

You can’t choose your family but you can’t limit contact. However, I couldn’t imagine being married to someone like that.

That’s honestly horrible of him, tell him you have been together for days and whilst your working he can plan and book something for a few days after the deadline that would be wonderful if he continues to try and put you off or if truth be told most lightly trying to get out of taking care of his child book a hotel room. I believe that’s what j k Rowling used to do. Don’t feel bad it’s a short period of time and you need to prioritise it.

Is your husband neuro diverse? (Or just plain nasty some of the time?)

He seems either jealous of your success so far with your writing, or unable to appreciate that your writing is now becoming more like a career than a hobby.

Does he read novels?
Does he have any appreciation of literature and how hard it is to write a good novel?
Your agent has asked you to do pretty much an extensive re-write. It's not just tinkering around the edges. That's going to take time.

It seems as if he thinks of your writing as a sheer waste of time (and if he doesn't read, can't empathise with characters in fiction, he may be on the autism spectrum too.)

And before anyone jumps on me I'm not saying all people with autism behave this way.

He is totally threatened by your writing. You might become successful and well known and, unfortunately, instead of being proud of you, that would make him feel unhappy. If he is happy for you to spend time exercising or seeing friends, but not writing, it's because he is actively trying to sabotage your writing.

I think it’s very possible that he is neurodiverse. It was suggested before by a doctor when he was in hospital but he chose not to pursue it. He shares a lot of traits with our child.

neurodiverse people can have immense empathy although I think in his case it’s misdirected sometimes. He doesn’t read fiction but is very academic and focused on his subject. He could have done a PhD at one point but chose not to as it would have cut our income soon after buying a house, though I did encourage him. The phd opportunity is now gone.