Have deadline and partner seems to be sabotaging me

[theotherfossilsister]

I am so so lucky to have a literary agent for my novel. It’s something I worked for a fought for for years. My first book had loads of full requests but no takers, though one who asked me to do a full rewrite and resubmit, which my partner grouched about as it was taking time from him.

Now we have an autistic child. I have a literary agent for my third book and she has written me a long editorial letter of things she wants me to implement before I go on sub. I work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near.

today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.)

I feel like he wants me to fail

He's jealous.

You've got masses to do if your agent says it needs adjustment to the tone etc, so I'd crack on and find a place where you can do this in peace.

It usually means taking yourself out of the house and saying it's your 'work time'.

I have a garden shed where I write and say I do not want to be disturbed.

I’m ND too but I don’t think that has anything to do with your husband singling out your writing time as something to disrupt.

Struggling to see the link to ND when you’ve
said he’s perfectly fine with you exercising, having coffees with friends etc. It’s only when it comes to writing he doesn’t understand it’s important - hobby or not.

Coming back to this. Interesting he is very academic, OP, and I do wonder if there’s something in the poster who mentioned jealousy. If he chose not to pursue a PHD because of income, but sees your dream becoming closer to reality, that might sting a bit.

My DH is very supportive of my writing generally, but has said he sometimes feels a bit jealous because he kind of fell into his career. It’s not a passion for him and never will be - but unfortunately it’s a bit late in the day for him to pursue a whole new career, at least until we stop needing his income in the same way we do at the moment.

I do make money as a writer which is great - but the instability of my income is certainly challenging for all of us at times!

He wouldn’t want me to do anything else and is supportive - but maybe you and your DH need to have an open conversation about how he honestly feels.

Or he just thinks that after two books that haven't sold the OP is onto a dead horse with book number 3.

Maybe he is thinking about all the time she has spent writing and editing as wasted time since it hasn't gone anywhere. OP had to spend presumably a lot of time on Book 1's full rewrite that still didnt get her anywhere - he could just be viewing this as a re-run of that time.

Or maybe he adds up all the time the OP spends on her books plus socialising and exercising etc and thinks he's getting the raw deal here. The OP hasn't said how much time she has spent on this book and it's editing but it's never a quick process to write a book (or 3!).

Most published authors write more than one book before they get their first deal. It is part of the learning process.

The first two books were never taken on by an agent as far as I can see from OP.
Many authors have lots of unpublished books under the bed.

It's a learning /luck process.

That all changes when an agent shows interest.

For anyone not in the field of writing, getting an agent these days as a totally unknown writer is a bit like winning the lottery.

Yes, if someone has an agent you can hardly claim that writing is wasted time that is not going to go anywhere.

Agree to taking yourself out of the house, pretty immediately to a library or co-working space and having the proper discussion after you’ve submitted successfully.

The discussion might escalate, and then it’ll be hard to concentrate on your deadline

Or maybe he adds up all the time the OP spends on her books plus socialising and exercising etc and thinks he's getting the raw deal here.

@Espressosummer

Nah this doesn’t add up because why is he only interfering with her writing time then but respects her socialising and exercising time? Why not ask her to slightly reduce the time she spends on each of those things, so she has more time with him if that’s the case? Doesn’t make sense to go in only on her writing.

It’s obvious he has a problem with the writing specifically.

You’d have to be either stupid or spiteful to try and undermine OPs efforts at this point now that she’s finally got an agent and her book is close to going out on submission . m

And this is her first book with an agent I think, so her first real go at wooing editors! Many writers write multiple manuscripts before they finally get agent rep. I was very fortunate in that my first manuscript found agent rep and a book deal but it’s common at all stages of an authors career to write manuscripts which are rejected by your agent who might decline to send it out to publishers, or by the publishers themselves.

Any decent man would support his wife’s efforts and even from a selfish point of view he would think the sooner she gets this done the better, because she will be more relaxed and able to have more time with us once it’s finished and her agent is reading it over.

Maybe because her writing time is significantly more than her exercising and socialising time? If you've published as you say then you should know how much time this all takes up. It can be a second full time job if you let it.

I think the OP just needs to be honest with herself as to how much time she is spending on this book (and the other 2) and whether her husband gets the same amount of downtime to himself. Because if he doesn't then it's hardly a surprise that he feels aggrieved.

He's supported her through 2 other books that went nowhere. The truth is most writers do not get published, even with an agent. And yet he has been absolutely slated on this thread that I can guarantee would have had completely opposite responses if it were a man doing a hobby that left his wife frequently doing his share of looking after the kids.

There’s nothing to suggest she is neglecting her duties or he is picking up the slack for her or she’s spending all her free time on writing. You have just assumed he is doing her share of the childcare @Espressosummer

i work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near. today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.) I feel like he wants me to fail

They have been together as a family for days since Christmas Eve and presumably neither at work, and she wants to spend a few hours writing but he suddenly vetoes that saying they need to go out during that time she wants to write. How convenient.

Yes writing a book takes up a lot of time but you don’t know when she’s doing it. Maybe on her day off from work, maybe early before the kids wake up or late when they’re asleep or at an activity.

It sounds like if she had said she was popping out for coffee for a few hours with a mate he wouldn’t have objected. She can very easily put this to the test by saying that the next time and seeing how he reacts.

It is all so wrong and he’s being deliberately unsupportive. All my married author friends with kids - both male and female - have spouses who support and cheer them.
They still work, contribute and do housework, go on dates etc. if it means they have a bit less time to watch tv together or go to bed a little later then so be it. Their partners are not being neglected, they are just being supportive and reasonable.

It’s also sneaky, because he hasn’t outright said he wants her to stop writing and end her agent representation, but yet he is slyly undermining her and blocking her efforts.

If he has accepted she has signed with an agent and working towards this goal, he needs to stop sabotaging. And if he doesn’t accept it he needs to say it openly.

It’s like standing by while your partner takes a job (be it paid or volunteer) you don’t agree with, then when they actually begin you throw obstacles in his way.

@Spinnering and you and a lot of other posters on here have just assumed that she's doing her fair share and he's a dick who is trying to sabotage her.

We have to go on what OP has written, which is that she’s the primary carer for their child. You can’t just start challenging one of the basics of the OP without evidence else the whole of Mumsnet is pointless.

i work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near. today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.) I feel like he wants me to fail

Exactly what I was going to say @PositiveCat . As it’s MN we can only go on what the OP has told us.

PS. @theotherfossilsister I hope edits are going well. In the long term you’ll
need to come to an understanding with your husband because the deadlines will increase as you progress in your career. Writing can be tough even with a partner in your corner who cheers you on, let alone with one who doesn’t .

Good luck with the deadline!

I'm quietly nipping in here, as another published author, several books in, with books translated into multiple languages (and a tv adaptation) to say that it is very, very unlikely that you will be able to reduce your hours with the money you make from a first novel (or, if I'm being really really honest, ever. All of my author friends are still working the same jobs they did before they were published. I don't know anyone who has even reduced their hours). For my first trad published novel I got an advance of 1K, which was paid in chunks over 18 months, with my agent taking 15%. My average royalty payment from that novel is around £30 every 6 months.

The problem you've got, which you already know, is a husband problem. It is a tough business and having a spouse who is working in a creative industry is challenging, because our earnings are just so unpredictable, but my DH has never dismissed it as a hobby (he was actually the one who pushed me to pursue it as a career) even in the years when I've made nothing.

I don't know how you fix this, OP, because the bottom line is that he doesn't support you :( and doesn't take it seriously. You may have to think outside the box. An awful lot of novels have been written sat in the car in the corner of a supermarket car park, in coffee shops, libraries and cheap hotel rooms. You have to be absolutely pig headed and selfish about it.

If he wants you to socialise, tell him you’re meeting friends then spend a few hours working at the library / in a café!

i am renting a workspace for this exact reason, just on weekends so I can get away and do a few hours of my studies