Have deadline and partner seems to be sabotaging me

[theotherfossilsister]

I am so so lucky to have a literary agent for my novel. It’s something I worked for a fought for for years. My first book had loads of full requests but no takers, though one who asked me to do a full rewrite and resubmit, which my partner grouched about as it was taking time from him.

Now we have an autistic child. I have a literary agent for my third book and she has written me a long editorial letter of things she wants me to implement before I go on sub. I work four days a week and parent our wonderful demanding child. Every time I carve out time to do my edits dp finds a way to take it from me. I’ve wanted this all my life and feel so near.

today I had a few hours, but he insisted we do something as a family (we have been together as a family since Christmas Eve.)

I feel like he wants me to fail

How does he expect you to be paid for something unless you get the opportunity to actually produce it?

Good luck with the novel by the way, I'm part-way through my first one (all in my head, I just need to get it down on paper) and am hoping to get it finished when I retire in a few months' time.

What are some of the reasons you're in relationship counseling? Is this part of a bigger pattern?

You could try a sunk cost fallacy argument, if you don't do the edits then all the time you've spent so far will have been a waste of time.

It's sort of true that writing is a hobby if it's not generating any money. I say that as a writer myself. But why can't you have a hobby? It's so important to have time for yourself every week, it's not for him to decide how you spend it.

keeps saying he sees writing as my hobby until it’s paid.

The problem is, he's not really wrong here. There are threads on here all the time about partners starting up businesses that take them away from their families and don't earn them a penny, and they rarely, if ever, get the amount of sympathy and support that you're getting on this thread.

I mean, this is your third book - how long has this been going on with you expecting him to take over parenting for chunks of time while you write, and does he have the same time in return?

The book is work but there is guarantee it will sell on sub even with a brilliant agent on side

@theotherfossilsister Hi, do you mean there is NO guarantee it will be published?

FWIW I'm an author too, of non fiction (and have submitted a novel that had praise but no takers.) I combined this with other work.

I know a lot of novelists, one of whom is churning out a book a year or more.
None of them earn enough to get by without either a supportive, earning partner, or a day job.

You'd be surprised at the advance you get but it can be no more than around £2K for a novel. Less than a month's salary for many of us.

Sorry if you know this, but you're not going to get rich by writing unless you manage to get a huge advance or a contract for several books as a series.

I think if possible you should try to treat your writing a a job and if necessary go out to a library, or a quiet cafe, or create a she-shed in the garden, or at least a room at home that is yours with No Entry on it when you are working.

Good luck with it!

@dreamingbohemian - tbh I think that you're elevated out of 'writing is a hobby' status once you have an agent (provided they are a decent and established one!) It's very hard to secure representation.

Also unfortunately, most writers do a lot of work that isn't paid - even when it's their main job! Deals for novelists stretch over a number of years and when you do the maths, many won't be making more than minimum wage. Screenwriters have to endlessly research and pitch projects, as do freelance journalists - that work isn't paid. It's part of the deal and you do it SO things eventually come to fruition, but it's a very different mindset to salaried roles.

@YetAnotherWannabeWriter - I took it to mean 'NO guarantee' also!

I feel if there was even a small amount of money my right to do this would count and I wouldn’t have to do whatever else he wants.
we have relationship counselling, but he
keeps saying he sees writing as my hobby until it’s paid.

What the actual fuck? It ‘counts’ regardless of whether you’re being paid. You are entitled to your own time, to use as you see fit. How dare he?

This is insanely disrespectful. Why are you tolerating it?

@vanillalattes - if you're a first time novelist, no-one is going to pay you in advance of writing a book. If you're an experienced writer, you might have a deal where you are contracted to a publisher to deliver, say, 2 or 3 books - so then you are technically 'being paid to write' - though as I said upthread, the money is often dire!

As @Authorperson put it, he want you to come and wife for him.

ETA: You need to diarise time, then TELL HIM you'll be doing the edits then
If he does sorry-face or tries to guilt trip you, tell him ,(politrluly) to fuck off, this is not negotiable.

If he won't hear this and gives you a row, then you'll know he is sabotaging you - either deliberately, or just as a side- effect of his inability to comprehend that you might want time to yourself doing something without him and DC.

Yes, I know that - which is why I'm saying it's technically a hobby for now.

If this was a thread about a man who wanted chunks of time to work on his "job" that didn't generate any income and that meant his wife was doing loads of extra childcare, I suspect he wouldn't be getting much support.

A lot of the writers on here need to step back a bit with the doom and gloom. I am a journalist which is nowhere near as hard a trick to pull off as a published novelist, but throughout my early years I had this: “oh so you want to be in the MEEJA do you?” “You want to work in London? I hope you realise how hard that will be” “You want to work in (my specialism)? Not many people get to do that”.

Of course lots of people get where the OP is and don’t become Sunday Times bestsellers, but everyone who is a Sunday Times bestseller has gone through the stage the OP is at. She needs support right now, not helpful advice telling her to get back in her box. It sounds like she has her husband for that.

OP - leave the house, find a friend’s house or somewhere else to work, and turn your phone off. This is a sliding doors moment. You will regret it if you don’t put yourself first, just this once.

But you can have time for hobbies.
As can he.

When I was writing my novel (and also working as a freelance journo, pitching 10 ideas a day!) it wasn't a hobby. It was work. My success ratio was about 1:10 but I did get work and made a reasonable income.

You need to schedule time for yourself.
But now you have an agent it IS work.

I'm sure your H has no idea how hard it is to get an agent. It's very rare for a 1st time unpublished writer to get an agent.

Can't you take yourself out of the house and 'go' to work?
You could even rent an office space or shared hot desks somewhere for freelancers.

The reason your H is not taking you seriously is because deep down you're not taking yourself seriously as a writer.

But if the counselling is not about this, there are clearly other issues in your marriage.

@vanillalattes - she's not calling it her job though. She also works 4 days a week, and I would put money on her probably doing more than he does in terms of parenting and housework.

Point is, she'll NEVER get paid for any writing if he doesn't allow her the time to actually write! He should be supportive to her. She has been on sub before and got good feedback and has an agent, so that is validating - the vast majority of people who 'want to write' never get to that stage.

It's not like she has quit her day job and has been writing book after book getting absolutely nowhere for the past decade while he's the sole earner.

I'm not saying she can't have hobbies. But time for hobbies has to be fair and split between both partners - OP isn't automatically entitled to a bunch of extra free time just because she hopes her hobby may soon generate an income.

But is it being split fairly?

And a hobby rarely brings in an income.
This one might.

Whatever she calls it, it's a hobby until it generates an income - regardless of whether she has an agent or anything else.

I maintain that if this was a thread about a man who wanted his wife to a bunch of solo childcare while he worked on a book that may one day earn him some money, he wouldn't be getting anywhere near the amount of support that OP is receiving on here.

We don't know if it's being split fairly - maybe OP could clarify?

Yes, "might" being the key word - until it does, it's a hobby. That's not meant to be derogatory or unkind, just factual.

@vanillalattes Getting an agent is like winning the lottery as a newbie writer.
It is a REAL achievement.

I have friends who have sunk thousands into creative writing MAs , written novels and got nowhere even after submitting to 50 agents.

If I had found an agent, my H would be bending over backwards to enable me to complete the edits or do whatever I needed.

If he wasn't, I'd seriously consider our future together but I'd also be assertive and take myself out to a cafe or a library and do the work needed out of the house.

I can see both sides of this.

It is a fantastic achievement to have got as far as you have, OP, and completely understandable that you want to give this your best shot.

But equally, I can see it from your DH's point of view. Unless you become extremely successful, it's very unlikely that this will become a significant income stream for your family. The more likely outcome is it you'll end up in the hobby-business category - yes, it will earn you some income, but seen through a purely practical lens, you'd make more money per hour in traditional employment.

This means that anything you earn is really just supporting your hobby. It isn't a 'proper job'.

This is absolutely fine (and actually bloody brilliant) IF you are only responsible for yourself. But you have a DP and a child, and you cannot make unilateral decisions here.

Just how much time are we talking here, if you were to sit down uninterrupted? Hours? Days? Weeks?

I'm not saying it's not an achievement. But that doesn't change the fact that it's still a hobby until it starts generating an actual income.

Lots of people achieve amazing things in their free time - they run ultra marathons, compete in sporting events, rehabilitate and rescue animals - in OP's case, she writes books. Yes, she should be proud of herself - of course she should - but I just don't agree that her husband should support her endlessly until she makes an income from it, that's all.

It's not a hobby once you have an agent.

You're missing the point that if she doesn't put in time now she will never earn from it.

OP is generating income- she works 4 days a week.

How else would you describe something that takes up lots of your time but doesn't bring in any income for your family?

It's a hobby. It might he a hobby that will eventually (maybe) lead to an additional income stream for their family, but for now, it's a very time-consuming hobby.

And I never said she wasn't generating any income - but she's not doing so by writing (for now).