Why on earth would my husband do this? - Kick up the Bum - its so peculiar

[LucyLoo1972]

If my husband and I go up to bed at the same time in the evening, he comes up behind me on the stairs. When he is behind me he will give me a 'kick up the bum' and say I'm sorry 'Did I give you a kick up the bum?' and kind of laugh.
I've told him it hurts and it hurts my coccyx (don't know how to spell it) but he doesn't stop. Now, I have to make him go up in front of me to avoid it happening.

He'e not physically aggressive in any other way (although he can be clumsy so I can get hurt) but this is deliberate.

Has anybody any clue why he would do this? ive had to reassess our relationship fro many reasons in the last years.

Is he right behind you and frustrated that you’re in his way/ not moving fast enough?

Tell him if he ever kicks or hurts you again, the marriage will be over.

I would be tempted to back kick his groin and say sorry!

That sounds abusive OP.

Also ive had to reassess our relationship fro many reasons in the last years. - what's been going on that makes you say that?

He’s doing it to deliberately hurt you because he’s abusive. Is he clumsy with other people resulting in them being accidentally hurt, or just with you?

im not particularly slow really, maybe a bit.

this is really the tiniest thing of what he has done to me

Then you are a victim of abuse and need to leave him.

I just made another post about it but didnt go into details. this is only a tiny tiny part of behaviours which contributed to me having a psychotic break from stress. Im honestly flummoxed that I could see anythign but a perfect husband and in fact such perfection in him that I allowed myself to be truly harmed to a degree I cant recover from. I lost everything when id managed to get to my dream job of academia on a subject extremely important to me. I even have disabilities now. There ia huge huge catalogue of things so I dont know where to start. And I blame myself everyday becasue there was no need for me to live like that - I was a very lovely and kind and gifted woman,

We had never had a row befroe I broke down but he would never allow any disagreement

he is generally just a bit clumsy breaking precious things too

So sorry to hear that.

Can you talk to anyone, friends or family to get some support here?

after the psychosis my life is basically nothing for none years - ive been a vegetable and id built a beautiful life. I honestly dont know what happened to me. I was a lovely, accomplished person and a world class school. when I had the psychosis I lost everything. I dont understand why I couldnt see these behaviours befroe and the impact n me, I could only see it after the psychosis

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sadly that's what psychosis is like, you can't see it at the time. From what you've said it seems it was associated with some kind of abuse from your husband, so this kicking you thing is a continuation of it. Have you thought about leaving him? Please don't blame yourself, this isn't your fault.

well I think the stressful behaviours that my husband had and which my doctors seemed to think were contributory although not the only factor. butnghis kicking thing was befroe I ahd the breakdwon. Now its all out abusive but thats largely my fault becasue once id seen the ways he had been treating me and how directly that had fed into me getting unwell and losing everything I became so angry. We had never ever had an argument before I broke down. soem of his ways like hoarding, extreme procrastination, financial control, never buying me a. gift were very hard but the financial control directly led into me breaking down. this was nine years ago and I do not feel human at all

Have you had psychosis?

No I haven't but have a couple of acquaintances who have had it.

You asked originally why does he do this - because he can, it gives him a feeling of control over you. Doesn't matter that he isn't aggressive in other ways, honestly I think the mental abuse is actually worse (I've experienced that).

Is there any way you can leave? Have you had any therapy for this?

its hard becasue I dont work and am very mentally ill when I was super super together before. in fact I did everythign for us, running every single thing, although he did do some chores. I love him very very much and in soem ways we were incredibly and uniquely matched especially intellectually. in our social group im painted entirely as the crazy mad villain. Financially it is hard ot leave and honestly I worry about myself on my own as im sucidial most days. I was the happiest most joyful soul you could ever meet befroe. Ive been in various forms of theory for nine years since the breakdown. I had suffered a lot of childhood trauma but had functioned at a very high level all round. my husabnd would barely let me spend a penny. But the big thing I dont understand is how I suffered so badly without challenging any of it ever - not even gently asking him to change soem things that were difficult for me. I saw another post recently about a husband getting on his wife's nerves when he started looking at a squirrel out of the window and I think I allowed myself to be completely and utterly y crushed when id sone os phenomenally well. he never aid me a compliment ever or showed any physical affection and I only realise now that im not a totally ugly boot and I was also the most easy going tolerant person you could meet. im in a state of total shock and confusion that ive lost nine years of my life and everything has been taken from me. I didnt even have a radio upstairs

If you call women’s aid or a women’s refuge locally to you, they will help you leave.

The refuges are a lot nicer than you think, are women only, and there is no expectation that you pay for them.

Once you’re out of the situation you’ll be able to get help to sort your finances and mental health. And I think that you will be suprised how much your mental health will improve once you are out of the house.

I had suffered a lot of childhood trauma but had functioned at a very high level

But the big thing I don't understand is how I suffered so badly without challenging any of it

In my case, and so many others, the first thing explains the second. Being habituated in childhood to abuse makes you grow up thinking of it as normal. Even as we learn during adulthood that some of things we experienced are not considered normal, we still carry the abusive relationship patterns within us and will tend to find partners who meet our expectations of abuse.

We can be high functioning professionally and socially, yet dysfunctional in our intimate relationships. My abusive parent demanded great exam results and social performance; he also made it very clear we were not to speak of home life to anyone. The family was coached on what to say at school about our weekends and holidays. It's quite predictable that I ended up with a great, sociable career, a series of relationships with bullies, and never recognised the abuse because I never put it into words.

Like you, I had a breakdown in my mid-forties and, like you, lost everything - I was luckier than you, in that I also lost the husband! The breakdown-related therapy uncovered the childhood abuse. I spent approx. ten years working on its aftermath.

I don't know how to suggest you rebuild your self whilst still living with your bully. What have your therapists said about it?

You need to leave as soon as possible. I know it seems overwhelming and you are unwell but you will not get better staying with him.

He is cruel, controlling and showing contempt for you.

I agree, a refuge will be the safest way to be supported to start over. Many have staff who will support you to claim benefits, apply for housing and offer emotional support. I'm worried that if he kicks you when going up the stairs, he could easily kick you going down. I'm also curious about him breaking you belongings, does he ever break his own stuff or is he just clumsy with your things?
Have you considered speaking to the police? A lot of dv victims minimize what they are experiencing to help manage it.

He does it as he thinks it is funny, likes hurting you, likes you being upset, because he can.

This is deliberate, not clumsy.
Looking at all your posts together, there’s a picture of his insidious behaviour that’s manipulative, controlling & hurtful, while avoiding outright violence.

You mention that you couldn’t cope away from him but I wonder if that’s really true or a story you’re both telling & you’re buying into?

You have more power & agency than you think. Find trusted ppl to help & support you, even setting up bank accounts if necessary & make plans, as the risk is if he finds out you’re even questioning the situation, things could become more physical.

he is now but I didnt think he was doing it befroe which is why I am so so confused. we never had an argument ever but he wouldnt let us discuss anything at all

I was the most independent self sufficient perosn before. at 20 I took myself off to live in France on my own just becasue I fancied it. I was incredibly competent at any job I did and in my forever career before my academic one I was promoted to Director level. Ive ouclished books and won awards for my academic work and I have a very substantial contemporary art collection. I was very accomplished and traveled the word alone, whilst soem of my friends wont even out fuel in their car by themselves due to feeling anxious about it. I would lecture 500 people. but at the same time I had anxiety to the point of paranoia about moral failing (when ive never even got a parking ticket). its seems ridiculous that I have been crushed ot the extent of insanity

Precious to him or you? Does he ever break his things?

sometimes but hes more careful. I dont mind about things what im distraught about is that my whole self and sanity and career and physical health has been destroyed and I cant get back up. I loved him so very much and I am so confused why I never challenged anything, most one would lose their shit over any of the thigns I faced.