Page 3 | Why on earth would my husband do this? - Kick up the Bum - its so peculiar

LucyLoo1972 · 2025-12-29T05:21:21+00:00

If my husband and I go up to bed at the same time in the evening, he comes up behind me on the stairs. When he is behind me he will give me a 'kick up the bum' and say I'm sorry 'Did I give you a kick up the bum?' and kind of laugh. I've told him it hurts and it hurts my coccyx (don't know how to spell it) but he doesn't stop. Now, I have to make him go up in front of me to avoid it happening. He'e not physically aggressive in any other way (although he can be clumsy so I can get hurt) but this is deliberate. Has anybody any clue why he would do this? ive had to reassess our relationship fro many reasons in the last years.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 08:18

Goodwishesfor2026 · 30/12/2025 07:47

Well, you can still write.
You are writing evocatively and clearly of something which happened to you which you are trying to understand. It is difficult to understand because I think maybe you just took more and more on without realising (and because you loved your husband, still do, and I think did not have healthy functioning relationship role models growing up) and you did not question his behaviours and assumed that he was acting in both of your best interests.
But not questioning his behaviours and never challenging does not make this your fault, it makes it something which happened to you and which you learn from.

A book I found helpful was Stalking the Soul: emotional abuse and the erosion of identity by Marie France Hirigoyen. She basically talks about the kind of subtle abuse which is not so obvious as physical abuse but nonetheless strips away your identity and agency. The thing I remember is her saying you have two choices which is to submit (sounds like what you did without realising before you could no longer cope) or you fight back (which is why he is upping the ante and physically kicking you, and ignore other posters, kicking someone is different from a playful poke and if you did not want a playful poke, it would be abuse). You are noticing your husband’s behaviour now because you want yourself back, not the version you were because you loved him and thought he loved you.

But the core of who you are is still there and is why you are writing this now and it is the core of your identity which still matters and wants something better. You are not a vegetable, you are an articulate person who has suffered great trauma but still has the core of her being and abilities, even if they feel lost.

One of the things about a mental breakdown is, I think, fear it will happen again. the fear that if you use your brain or challenge your husband or try to make your own life, you will not cope and relapse. But you have got the insights now which you did not have before. It’s about learning to trust yourself and looking for small opportunities which will grow. You do not need to leave your DH tomorrow, but it could be helpful to seek support from organisations like Women’s Aid who understand abuse and trauma and support women back onto their feet and independence. I think you do still have a lot to offer the world and I think the person who first needs to believe this is you.

Edited

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thank you kind friend. I have sometimes wondered about writing a memoir becasue parts of the story that I cant make public are things that couldnt be made up. I really did believe I had soemthing very unique to offer in my research for complicated reasons.

this writing is very basic but my academic writing was very much acclaimed. I sweat over every single sentence to make it very evocative and beautiful. my examiners loved that and said it was beautifully. written but it was also theriectiaclly brilliant they said becasue I used a very difficult theorist in my work. its all complicated becasueit wa also mixed up with religious abuse as I was writing about my own religious communities.

you are very kind ot say my writing is clear, thats kind. I am sad becsue I see my peers who I was ahead of being associate professors now and I literally do nothing all day becasue im in psychological terror and they dont know how to treat me for that. and I feel bereft without the perosn I have loved for 30 years when I did everything for him.

OP posts:

curious79 · 30/12/2025 08:25

LucyLoo1972 · 29/12/2025 10:38

I agree it could be nothig sinister! he fools around a lot and it was only in the context of others thigns. befroe the breakdown I had I didnt thin. much of it myself and now im so confused. I get your question

Show quote history

No no! OP has described a kick that actually hurts the coccyx, not a gentle nudge or a playful light pinch etc

He is abusive and I fear enjoys tormenting you. Possibly he’s trying to make you relapse. He sounds very cruel and it sounds to me that you need to make alternate arrangements - perhaps quietly, slowly - that will allow you to escape and rediscover the gentle talented person you once were. That person is still inside

Goodwishesfor2026 · 30/12/2025 08:32

Okay, so if I understand correctly, the thesis is publishable as it is, and you have a top quality publisher interested to see it, but the methods section needs work? What about either asking your supervisor for a chat to have a point by point list of what needs to be done or sending it to OUP and getting the reviewers’ feedback so you are not pre-empting what they might say? The issue with sending it to reviewers is that I think you need to be mentally strong enough to sift the feedback and where a comment does not make sense to you or is not constructive, push back on it, rather that think oh, they must be right.
What time and space do you have for yourself and where do you go to feel calm and whole? Can you identify a place where you mentally feel okay, whether that is a nice park or coffee shop but it is just you, where you might be able to sit down and collect your thoughts?
Is your husband an academic? If you don’t mind me asking. My ex was and there was an odd dynamic where I was doing great, that is what attracted him, and then he just subtly and not so subtly put obstacles in my way, but it was very hard to articulate what was going on.
There is also a point where I found it helpful to accept I had unravelled and it was going to take time to put myself back together and it didn’t matter that my time line was different from my peers, what mattered was finding my voice again.
I am going to have to get on with my day now, but it sounds to me like you have identified some resources which can help and if you can reach out to people who have helped you before, who also believe in you, as well as some women’s aid support, and maybe it is helpful to view it as a journey you are starting on with the insights you now have, rather than that everything has gone wrong. I will come back on the thread later.

Goodwishesfor2026 · 30/12/2025 08:36

I also think you have multiple strands to pull apart with your own experiences and that is worth thinking about writing, even if it is for yourself at first, to make sense of it. Writing things down helps me enormously. Just make sure you have your work locked with a password or Face ID so it is private.

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:10

Goodwishesfor2026 · 30/12/2025 08:32

Okay, so if I understand correctly, the thesis is publishable as it is, and you have a top quality publisher interested to see it, but the methods section needs work? What about either asking your supervisor for a chat to have a point by point list of what needs to be done or sending it to OUP and getting the reviewers’ feedback so you are not pre-empting what they might say? The issue with sending it to reviewers is that I think you need to be mentally strong enough to sift the feedback and where a comment does not make sense to you or is not constructive, push back on it, rather that think oh, they must be right.
What time and space do you have for yourself and where do you go to feel calm and whole? Can you identify a place where you mentally feel okay, whether that is a nice park or coffee shop but it is just you, where you might be able to sit down and collect your thoughts?
Is your husband an academic? If you don’t mind me asking. My ex was and there was an odd dynamic where I was doing great, that is what attracted him, and then he just subtly and not so subtly put obstacles in my way, but it was very hard to articulate what was going on.
There is also a point where I found it helpful to accept I had unravelled and it was going to take time to put myself back together and it didn’t matter that my time line was different from my peers, what mattered was finding my voice again.
I am going to have to get on with my day now, but it sounds to me like you have identified some resources which can help and if you can reach out to people who have helped you before, who also believe in you, as well as some women’s aid support, and maybe it is helpful to view it as a journey you are starting on with the insights you now have, rather than that everything has gone wrong. I will come back on the thread later.

Edited

thank you kind friend and yes I get that about reviewers. I know peer review is an utter killer but the sad thign is (and I know this is unusual but the one artel I got published in a top journal came back with no revisions required which my supervisor said they had never evr heard of even within the faculty which was the top dept in my country fro the subject).

id have to try to explain what the hurdle is but its not the academic task of edits - I can still function in that way because I seem to still have the ability to do that work on texts.

my husband is not an academic in higher education but he is involved in very similar adjacent intellectual work and we often worked on projects together. cant say more as I may identify us as he idd quite a unique job.

he is incredibly academically able. sometimes it crosses my mind that even if he wasn't aware of it that he was resentful becasue of the going success ofmy work as it was becoming evident my work was strong and innovative. I was winning a lot of awards and fellowships and having travel funded to many international conferences. I dont know - I didnt think he was as he always seems proud of me. but also he didnt celebrate any successes, we never went out for a drink to celebrate my book publication or my grant wins or a major international research fellowship I got. and he would never clear out space fro me to have na adequate and nice working environment - im into design and beauty and found my house utterly depressing for all the clutter and hoarding.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:12

Goodwishesfor2026 · 30/12/2025 08:32

Okay, so if I understand correctly, the thesis is publishable as it is, and you have a top quality publisher interested to see it, but the methods section needs work? What about either asking your supervisor for a chat to have a point by point list of what needs to be done or sending it to OUP and getting the reviewers’ feedback so you are not pre-empting what they might say? The issue with sending it to reviewers is that I think you need to be mentally strong enough to sift the feedback and where a comment does not make sense to you or is not constructive, push back on it, rather that think oh, they must be right.
What time and space do you have for yourself and where do you go to feel calm and whole? Can you identify a place where you mentally feel okay, whether that is a nice park or coffee shop but it is just you, where you might be able to sit down and collect your thoughts?
Is your husband an academic? If you don’t mind me asking. My ex was and there was an odd dynamic where I was doing great, that is what attracted him, and then he just subtly and not so subtly put obstacles in my way, but it was very hard to articulate what was going on.
There is also a point where I found it helpful to accept I had unravelled and it was going to take time to put myself back together and it didn’t matter that my time line was different from my peers, what mattered was finding my voice again.
I am going to have to get on with my day now, but it sounds to me like you have identified some resources which can help and if you can reach out to people who have helped you before, who also believe in you, as well as some women’s aid support, and maybe it is helpful to view it as a journey you are starting on with the insights you now have, rather than that everything has gone wrong. I will come back on the thread later.

Edited

and yes my supervisor has never given up on me. he has said he will go through the proposal before it is sent and he will also go through the edits with me. he ws the most tremendous support and the kindest person ever. it ws soem contrasts between his behaviour to his wife and my husbands behaviour to me that began to set alarm bells ringing.

OP posts:

Shortbread49 · 30/12/2025 09:18

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Enrichetta · 30/12/2025 09:21

I haven’t read your other threads and I am somewhat confused by your posts here, which isn’t your fault because it all seems very complex.

However, can you tell us what your therapist and psychiatrist are telling you - what are they suggesting or recommending?

Based on what you’ve said here I feel you need to find a way of getting out of this marriage, but you clearly need extensive support. Women’s Aid and Mind might be a good start?

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:21

Wrenjay · 29/12/2025 16:54

He has been very clever in manipulating you. You have a beautiful, clever, inspiring, curious mind and have been squashed. Disagreement and debate are part of a PhD and I am stating the obvious to you.

This person has seen your personality and has stamped on it, just like he does your bum up the stairs. Get real help, from your GP, Woman's Aid, but most importantly from the Police. He is a dangerous person, you do NOT love him in any way. He is a controlling subversive manipulating criminal. He has stolen your life and your money.

I thought of myself as ugly and I really wasn't - there is nothign horrible about me and I was pretty but he never built me up in that way. if I tried ot sit next to him on the sofa he owuldsay after 30 seconds, right oyu can go and sit over there now.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:25

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well, you are lovely.

well it true that I did, even if that is surprising ot you. I also passed my thesis with no corrections at the top department for my discipline in the country. not even a typographical error but I see now that was symptom of illness becasue I could nt allow myself ot be a human being.

Which is what makes all this so hard. I had OCD and extreme perfectionism with my work. probably trying ot exert control in this area because I had little control elsewhere.

ANd believe it or not I dont send the time editing and checking mumsmnet posts as I did my journal articles. I was never even ever on any social media before as my life was so full.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:27

Enrichetta · 30/12/2025 09:21

I haven’t read your other threads and I am somewhat confused by your posts here, which isn’t your fault because it all seems very complex.

However, can you tell us what your therapist and psychiatrist are telling you - what are they suggesting or recommending?

Based on what you’ve said here I feel you need to find a way of getting out of this marriage, but you clearly need extensive support. Women’s Aid and Mind might be a good start?

honestly this is not even 1/10th of the complexity. it was the level of complexity that broke my mind and hen my body. weird thing was anti lthe breakdown I thought my life totally fitted into place and ws ideal. I was thankful for it all every single day and especially for my husabnd.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:28

Enrichetta · 30/12/2025 09:21

I haven’t read your other threads and I am somewhat confused by your posts here, which isn’t your fault because it all seems very complex.

However, can you tell us what your therapist and psychiatrist are telling you - what are they suggesting or recommending?

Based on what you’ve said here I feel you need to find a way of getting out of this marriage, but you clearly need extensive support. Women’s Aid and Mind might be a good start?

my psychologist and therapist think it would be good for me to live apart even temporarily.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:29

Enrichetta · 30/12/2025 09:21

I haven’t read your other threads and I am somewhat confused by your posts here, which isn’t your fault because it all seems very complex.

However, can you tell us what your therapist and psychiatrist are telling you - what are they suggesting or recommending?

Based on what you’ve said here I feel you need to find a way of getting out of this marriage, but you clearly need extensive support. Women’s Aid and Mind might be a good start?

I rang women aid and they are goign to ring me back. I do have soem irl support form friends but I dont have family really.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:33

curious79 · 30/12/2025 08:25

No no! OP has described a kick that actually hurts the coccyx, not a gentle nudge or a playful light pinch etc

He is abusive and I fear enjoys tormenting you. Possibly he’s trying to make you relapse. He sounds very cruel and it sounds to me that you need to make alternate arrangements - perhaps quietly, slowly - that will allow you to escape and rediscover the gentle talented person you once were. That person is still inside

Show quote history

I was the most gentle kind and lovely soul and that was my proudest achievement after my background who was anything but.

my husband used ot be so gentle too.

after my breakdown I was so so devastated by losing evevrytign I had worked for and especially my marriage as I had it that I became so angry - I had never lost my temper with him ever in my life befroe or with anybody. we had been so incredibly blessed with a beautiful life.

I hate this angry bitter perosn I am now becasue I had got through my childhood trauma with no bitterness and although I see now everythign was hard with CPTSD I felt so so very happy. I was loved and popular and very happy and successful and fulfilled. I was grateful for everything my husband did for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:36

curious79 · 30/12/2025 08:25

No no! OP has described a kick that actually hurts the coccyx, not a gentle nudge or a playful light pinch etc

He is abusive and I fear enjoys tormenting you. Possibly he’s trying to make you relapse. He sounds very cruel and it sounds to me that you need to make alternate arrangements - perhaps quietly, slowly - that will allow you to escape and rediscover the gentle talented person you once were. That person is still inside

Show quote history

he is kind of cruel becasue he left me on my own on Christmas Day with no food and he knows I feel suicidal and in despair

OP posts:

Shortbread49 · 30/12/2025 09:53

What I meant was your posts are very full of typographical errors if you are such a perfectionist did you not notice , they are all quite hard to follow and he sounds an idiotic but are you sure he was not joking ? Mine sometimes threatens to do this mainly to the cat but it’s a joke

StabbyCat · 30/12/2025 09:55

He’s behind you, going upstairs and he kicks you up the bum?

How?

Ebok1990 · 30/12/2025 10:05

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How unnecessary and unkind. You should be ashamed of yourself. She doesn't sound even remotely deranged. You on the other hand are lacking in even the smallest shred of humanity or kindness. Domestic abuse can wreck havoc on people's ability to think clearly or understand what's happening to them. Helping a woman at her lowest ebb to work through it is the least anyone can do.

Ebok1990 · 30/12/2025 10:07

StabbyCat · 30/12/2025 09:55

He’s behind you, going upstairs and he kicks you up the bum?

How?

Does it matter? Why are you questioning her on a detail that doesn't matter. What the fuck is wrong with people on this thread.

Ebok1990 · 30/12/2025 10:09

Shortbread49 · 30/12/2025 09:53

What I meant was your posts are very full of typographical errors if you are such a perfectionist did you not notice , they are all quite hard to follow and he sounds an idiotic but are you sure he was not joking ? Mine sometimes threatens to do this mainly to the cat but it’s a joke

Why are you pulling her up on her spelling. What does it matter on this occasion. And wtf has your own experience with your husband and cat got to do with anything. It's not even remotely relevant. The OPs husband isn't threatening to kick her either...he IS kicking her.

frenchfancy81 · 30/12/2025 10:11

Tell him it's bloody weird and annoying and that you've already told him to stop doing it and go up after him to make the point. If he continues...he is a weirdo!

PInkyStarfish · 30/12/2025 10:24

If my husband gave me a kick up the bum as I was walking up the stairs he would find himself at the bottom of the stairs very quickly, sporting a broken neck.

StabbyCat · 30/12/2025 10:57

PInkyStarfish · 30/12/2025 10:24

If my husband gave me a kick up the bum as I was walking up the stairs he would find himself at the bottom of the stairs very quickly, sporting a broken neck.

If my husband gave me a kick up the bum when I was walking upstairs I’d be astounded because in order to be able to that his legs would have to be 8 feet long and he’d have to be a contortionist.

ThisJadeBear · 30/12/2025 11:18

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 09:36

he is kind of cruel becasue he left me on my own on Christmas Day with no food and he knows I feel suicidal and in despair

Show quote history

This is really concerning.
I know you are very upset about what you’ve lost but you need to look at the here and now.
If your husband is providing care for you and leaving you alone with no food, and your mental health team feel you need to live separately from him, then that is of huge concern.
You need to slow down and take care of the basics in your life - make sure you are eating, for starters.
From your posts you seem lost in who you were and honestly, you don’t need to convince us that you were the best, you were outstanding, because you are enough now, as you were then.
You could have been the President of the United States but the fact is, your life is different now.
Your husband is abusing you, lovely.
I know that sounds harsh but until you face up to it, you are going to stay stuck.
You tell us how wonderful he is and then these little nuggets, like leaving you alone with no food, are deeply, deeply concerning.
Somebody who loves you, even if they were angry with you for some reason, would never, ever do that to you.
Please speak to your mental health professionals and your friends.

Shortbread49 · 30/12/2025 11:43

Yes but threatening to kick you up the bum is less relevant than him leaving you alone without food and suicidal on Xmas day ( sorry for commenting on the spelling) but why just add that in later that is the concerning and abusive issue not a side thing