Why on earth would my husband do this? - Kick up the Bum - its so peculiar

[LucyLoo1972]

If my husband and I go up to bed at the same time in the evening, he comes up behind me on the stairs. When he is behind me he will give me a 'kick up the bum' and say I'm sorry 'Did I give you a kick up the bum?' and kind of laugh.
I've told him it hurts and it hurts my coccyx (don't know how to spell it) but he doesn't stop. Now, I have to make him go up in front of me to avoid it happening.

He'e not physically aggressive in any other way (although he can be clumsy so I can get hurt) but this is deliberate.

Has anybody any clue why he would do this? ive had to reassess our relationship fro many reasons in the last years.

Let me guess... he's only 'clumsy' and breaks your precious things, never his own.

Tbh I think it’s something that was done when he was a kid and it’s compulsive to do it now 😂 I’m kind of the same as I chase my DH up the stairs because my sister used to do it to me when I was younger.

If you dislike it though he should obviously stop.

You still are a lovely, kind, gifted woman OP. You’re the same person.

this may be true as he had tow annoying brothers ha ha

honestly im not - its ike my soul left my body somehow nine years ago and I became demon possessed which was one of my delusions strangely enough

Ask him!

Tbh this thread is pretty baffling as to what it is he has done or is doing. I thought it was fairly normal to poke your spouse on the arse if they were going up the stairs in front of you, maybe I need to tell DH we are abusing each other

I agree it could be nothig sinister! he fools around a lot and it was only in the context of others thigns. befroe the breakdown I had I didnt thin. much of it myself and now im so confused. I get your question

You may feel that but it’s not true. The soul remains the same even if we as humans feel changed. Your core is the same. I hope you manage to feel it again.

She does not sound deranged and the poster making light of abuse is disgusting.

OP this sounds awful and from your description of his behaviour he has been your abuser throughout, most likely precipitating your psychosis and continuing the trauma you endured in childhood. I imagine you didn't oppose him because this was what you were used to growing up?
You need support and advice to help you leave this abusive bully. Please contact Womens Aid and tell them what has happened to you and his part in it.
You say you can't cope without him but with help from supportive people you can, and a refuge would give you a place of safety to do so without his controlling influence. Please don't spend another 9 years at the mercy of this bully.

I see from your previous threads you mention you are not sure if some of the things your DH does is abusive or not and you believe some definitely are and you love him dearly. Kicking your bum going up the stairs could be endearing or abusive. If you tell him to stop and he keeps doing it it is abusive.

You say in your threads you either can't because you are ill and for financial reasons or are not willing to leave at the moment but what you can do is try control the present by telling him if you do not like what he is currently doing and to try focus on the positives and what you can do for yourself no matter small.

Are you currently on medication? While they can help and be a life saver they may also have side affects too so be kind to yourself. (Whatever you do do not change or stop them without medical advice).

Are you well enough to get out of house for walks or to go to cafe or library etc? Are you in contact with friends or family? I see from other threads you were not happy they reported your DHs behavior but not sure if they are still in your life or are helpful or not?

Biggest advice is to focus on what you can do to improve your life no matter how small - you can do this ♥️

Hi OP, you've posted about this in various ways quite a few times I think? From what I remember, and I could be wrong, there was a post about wanting to buy designer handbags but not feeling you could (although it wasn't clear he actually stopped you?), there was something about when you were studying and you felt you needed finance to pay for additional support (to write things up?). Some of these things happened quite a while ago and your DH has paid for you to access quite a lot of ongoing private therapy?

I don't know if the kicking thing is abuse or playful, if it hurts and you don't like it, it's not OK, even if not intended as malicious. However, I don't think it's the main issue here.

You still seem to be struggling a lot with your past and the impact it has had on your life and still have a lot of anger towards your DH regarding his part in it (and it doesn't matter if that is fair or unfair). It would probably be helpful for you to think more about about what you want from your life moving forward and very possibly this doesn't include continuing your relationship.

Read the room ffs

I am a bit deranged I guess becasue I am so confused about everything and ive had severe mental illness which was delusional.i love my husband very much and befroe my breakdwon (when the kicking up the bum and other stress inducing behaviours were happening) I honestly never questioned anything much of the bigger things.

we never ever bickered ever - we got along so well. but this is where some of the confusion lies. I saw a post recently about a woman whose husband gets distracted by a squirrel when they are talking and it drives her crazy and another who talks about how her husband is annoying her and they are fighting becasue he leaves his shoes in the middle of the room. whether he was abusive or not there were certainly behaviours that were far more stressful - for example on more than one occasion I didnt even know what continent I was goign to be on holiday for anti lthe night befroe becasue he cannot make a decisions. or we've never had blinds that open in 25 years becasue he wont let me get somebody in and he also wont help me with them or let me get Hillarys etc out. but we never ever fought - I never laid the law down, I never said any of these things to change. our Financial situation is dire becasue ive not been earning the high wage I would have been earning and I cant imagine what will happen if we separate. I do not understand why I would allow myself to be out trough that level of stress on top of doing a phd and three other jobs and running everythign in our household 100 percent. and the sad thign is I believe he really loved me and when we were talking together he never annoyed me. im so sad I thought our love was so sincere and he would never have left me - -I ahd no need to fear just gently being firm and if I ahd been all this ay have never happened to us.

part of the problem was that I didnt act as though our money was our money. at other times in our marriage ive been the higher earner by a long way and even when I did my phd a won a very rare full scholarship.

and yes he has paid for private therapy at great expense but again its our money so its not him paying. over the years ive spent much less on things than he does.

its so very sad because if we split he will be forced to give me half of everything and I dont tihnk that has registered with him. and I have no clue hwy I didnt insist on a joint account and some kind of arrangement as to what we could each spend on fun money. WE had zero debt except our mortgage nearly paid off, we had never had nay loans in our entire marriage and we had £150, 000 savings and we knew we would also inherit significant sum from my mother. I dont get what the point of savings is if you dont spend it when you are in desperate need and now my mind has broken so I am not the same perosn and have zero earnings potential. and none of this is even the worst of it - I have lost nine years of my life and im like a vegetable now.

I dont know if it is endearing or abusive. he does a lot of endearing playful things like that so that is possible.

I am on anti anxiety medication becasue the immediate trigger for my psychosis was sleep deprivation and anxiety when completing my phd (thats a long story because the circumstances were very stressful around my research). when I was in treatment for the psychosis it was then that my doctors raised questions about some things at home. but honestly I felt absolutely so happy to be married to my husband and never regretted it for one day. what I do regret is not insisting that we talked about difficulties and made changes that were necessary for my mental health. I dont believe he intended to hurt me ever. I believe he loved me.

I do have anger and I never ever once showed nay anger towards him befroe despite how challenging his behaviour could be sometimes. I thought we had the most amazing bond of nay couple I knew.

He has been very clever in manipulating you. You have a beautiful, clever, inspiring, curious mind and have been squashed. Disagreement and debate are part of a PhD and I am stating the obvious to you.

This person has seen your personality and has stamped on it, just like he does your bum up the stairs. Get real help, from your GP, Woman's Aid, but most importantly from the Police. He is a dangerous person, you do NOT love him in any way. He is a controlling subversive manipulating criminal. He has stolen your life and your money.

do you really think its is this bad? he supported me in having my academic career and doing my phd and the jobs that required travel all the time. and he did many sweet and kind thigns for me. but im confused as to how I ended up like this almost dead state.

I ddid have a beautiful amazing mind - my examiners said it was one of the best phd theses they had ever read and it ws at an elite university. I went to the crappest of comprehensive schools and have extensive C{TSD so it took a real lot of effort to get to write world class research and now I cant even earn pocket money or get a job in a cafe

Well, you can still write.
You are writing evocatively and clearly of something which happened to you which you are trying to understand. It is difficult to understand because I think maybe you just took more and more on without realising (and because you loved your husband, still do, and I think did not have healthy functioning relationship role models growing up) and you did not question his behaviours and assumed that he was acting in both of your best interests.
But not questioning his behaviours and never challenging does not make this your fault, it makes it something which happened to you and which you learn from.

A book I found helpful was Stalking the Soul: emotional abuse and the erosion of identity by Marie France Hirigoyen. She basically talks about the kind of subtle abuse which is not so obvious as physical abuse but nonetheless strips away your identity and agency. The thing I remember is her saying you have two choices which is to submit (sounds like what you did without realising before you could no longer cope) or you fight back (which is why he is upping the ante and physically kicking you, and ignore other posters, kicking someone is different from a playful poke and if you did not want a playful poke, it would be abuse). You are noticing your husband’s behaviour now because you want yourself back, not the version you were because you loved him and thought he loved you.

But the core of who you are is still there and is why you are writing this now and it is the core of your identity which still matters and wants something better. You are not a vegetable, you are an articulate person who has suffered great trauma but still has the core of her being and abilities, even if they feel lost.

One of the things about a mental breakdown is, I think, fear it will happen again. the fear that if you use your brain or challenge your husband or try to make your own life, you will not cope and relapse. But you have got the insights now which you did not have before. It’s about learning to trust yourself and looking for small opportunities which will grow. You do not need to leave your DH tomorrow, but it could be helpful to seek support from organisations like Women’s Aid who understand abuse and trauma and support women back onto their feet and independence. I think you do still have a lot to offer the world and I think the person who first needs to believe this is you.

Where is the thesis now and what were your plans for publishing from it? Can you get an honorary or affiliate position at the institution where you wrote it to get access to their library and make a schedule to publish from it? It won’t make much money (although if you sign up with ACLS, it will make a little) but it will get it out there and your brain working. Get in touch with your former supervision team and ask. It will feel difficult at first but your brain will still work, you can still write as you are doing it now, on here, and doing it well (I don’t think you sound deranged at all).

Ah I get that I am still very articulate and I don't think I lost a whole lot of cognitive the methods section. ability but after nine years my mind is a lot slower. when I ahd my viva the examiners said it is ready to send to a publisher as it is - with maybe a reduction to the author. the problem is more methods section. Oxford University Press are keen to see the manuscript which is rare for a first time author. the problem is more a psyhological one becasue what triggered my break down in the immediate is that I believe I had done something wrong in my thesis. I cant write about it in a public forum but my research ended up being related to a major news story (Im not delusional in this its real and was one of the reasons my research provoked the level of anxiety such that my mind broke down) whilst dealing with all the stuff at home and the ways in which my husband made everyday life challenging especially in the run up to my submission.

it wouldnt make me money but it would make it easier to go back to the world of academia - I know the book would be reviewed well becasue the key scholars in the discipline have read it and were extremely positive. it also has public interest becasue of the topic but I cant really discuss that here. the whole whole situation is so so bizarre. there is Alos a trust I can apply for specifically for academics who have been out of work for a prolonged period due to sickness or family caring. I know I shouldn't be so defeatist. I loved my work so very very much. I believed I was an imposter somehow. I got everything so wrong - I believed I wasn't good enough for my husband when I was the one keeping us afloat everyday and I wasn't even ugly compared ot him like I though. I could say more in private message.

my supervisor was very supportive. he was devastated to see my decline overnight from being such a promising student and I was excellent as a teacher and I loved it. I did go back to work in the department for one year but it was ll too much as I wasn't well and then lost three family members in that year.

my psychologist also sys im not crazy as I think.