Why on earth would my husband do this? - Kick up the Bum - its so peculiar

[LucyLoo1972]

If my husband and I go up to bed at the same time in the evening, he comes up behind me on the stairs. When he is behind me he will give me a 'kick up the bum' and say I'm sorry 'Did I give you a kick up the bum?' and kind of laugh.
I've told him it hurts and it hurts my coccyx (don't know how to spell it) but he doesn't stop. Now, I have to make him go up in front of me to avoid it happening.

He'e not physically aggressive in any other way (although he can be clumsy so I can get hurt) but this is deliberate.

Has anybody any clue why he would do this? ive had to reassess our relationship fro many reasons in the last years.

I think it's that bad. I know you don't know me from Adam/Eve but I am hoping that if enough strangers tell you it's bad and ask you to contact Women's Aid and talk to them about your life. As for their advice, please.
I'm sure you will begin your recovery when you get away from your husband's controlling behaviour.

What do you love about this cruel, controlling abuser?

What is it that you have in common with this deplorable specimen?

I don't mean to be rude OP, but psychosis is where you see things that aren't there.

Are you seeing a mental health team regularly?

thanks - I had delusions about my research and being in trouble because of things I had written. I didnt have hallucinations or hear voices. It was complex becasue all my delusions were based on real events - my research was in a sensitive area and in fact ended up being related to a major news story. I cant really say more than that. But my stress levels were raising and rising because I think my hypervigliance could smell something was off.

my delusions were pretty extreme though and had a strong religious component. im not in that kind if delusional state anymore.

I do see a consultant psychologist and a therapist every week. they are a bit flummoxed by parts of my case but say I have CPTSD from childhood which produced symptoms which made me behave in self abandoning ways.

there are many ways that he was a very good husband. we were incredibly well matched intellectually and in terms of interests and had a very similar outlook in. terms of big thigns in life. we got on insanely well and would travel for weeks on end together and never have an argument or fall out. there are many qualities he has that I really admire, he is humble, funny, kind (if not generous), helps with chores and supported my career in many ways.

I have contacted them and asked them to call me back. he was the only place I ever felt safe in my life ironically.

yes - I understand that. I think my ideas about love and marriage were very warped. I should have felt secure in my marriage as he is very faithful and would never have abandoned me and I thought I did feel secure which is why I am completely flummoxed as to why I never ever challenged any of his behaviours.

I think this is what my psychologist would say

1. lets you have the first bit of toast.
2. Always makes you a cup of tea first thing.
3. leaves you a note if he has to leave while you're asleep.
4. sends a text every time he's delayed at work
5. brings your favourite takeaways for no reason.
6. always has chocolate available
7. knows your favourite colour and your shoe size
8. has your back always
9. welcomes your friends into your home.
10. only slaps you three times a year

does 1-9 make up for number 10?

If you have or have had self-abandoning behaviours, then the question for me is how to have compassion and care for yourself, and from that believe that you have value and can move forward and to a better place. Maybe you need to take your child self with you, metaphorically pick her up and take her on this journey out of your current situation.

If Women’s Aid don’t call back, then find a safe space and time and call them again. And keep doing that until you have someone in real life to talk to. Maybe ask your therapist as well how to find real life support in changing your living situation in a way that feels and is safe and manageable for you.

Well he doesnt actually do many of the first 9 to be honest - maybe 1 and 7.

But he never ever raised his voice ot me ever at all and he was alwasy incredibly faithful and I never feared he was going to run off (in my conscious mind in any case) and he never hurt me physically, which is why the kick up the bum thign was so strange to me.

You're missing the point @LucyLoo1972 Are you being deliberately obtuse now?

I think about my child self a lot and then the perosn who over came so os much and had to work so hard against constant CPTSD symptoms and also carrying all the load of him too. and I feel so angry on her behaviour that I allowed everythign to be taken even her own soul and who she is. its unbearable to me

I do have soem real life support and a friend has even agreed to be a guarantor if I need a mortgage.

No - I do understand absolutely what you are saying and I agree with your point. there were some terribly damaging things.

So what are you going to do a isn't it?

For a very intelligent person you don’t seem to understand a lot of the points other posters are making to you about it

im going to follow up WOmens Aid

My husband is away at the moment and said he is going to look for somewhere else to live when he gets back. that would probably be the best solution fro me becasue I would get to stay in my house near people I know.

if he wont then I will look for somewhere else. I have some inheritance money so I can afford somewhere other than a refuge for a while

I think I do get the points - its just hard for me to move forward and act

But that is not what I meant, I meant that you should treat yourself with great kindness because you did overcome so much. That you should not blame yourself. That you should nurture yourself.
You have not lost who you are, who you are is still there which is why you are posting here and looking for clarity and support, you have overcome so much and you are still overcoming things.
You are blaming yourself so much for things which are not your fault. Would you blame any other survivor of abuse so harshly? Or would you say they deserve compassion and care?

thank you - you are right. I just feel so bereft and defeated. I just couldn5 see what was happening to me. I try to be kind to myself and I would never treat anyone else like this.

You seem to be blaming yourself for putting up with his behaviour. But maybe you were just doing what you needed to at the time, to make life bearable. To survive.

Was there religious abuse too? I am wondering if an unhelpful belief system has made it harder for you to see that his behaviour was abusive.

I don’t think you do see abuse when you are in it, though, that is how it works. You are looking at the situation with hindsight, with knowledge you now have but did not have then.

I think being a victim and survivor of abuse is difficult to come to terms with, and it is difficult to straighten out your thoughts from the spaghetti which abuse causes, but I also think step by step it is possible. You might feel bereft and defeated, and I am not meaning to minimise how you feel, but in your last few posts you have sketched out that you have friends and a support network and people who can help you. Be kind to yourself and accept the help that is offered and seek it out as well from trained professionals.

It is wasted energy blaming yourself, I think. It might be better to focus on the fact that you are looking for a way forward, to heal in your own space and time. To acknowledge that you do feel bereft and defeated but that healing is possible and just be as kind as possible to yourself. Blaming yourself is sort of turning anger inwards so the only person affected is you but I think you deserve a safe place where you can heal and find your voice again, and maybe it’s time to just set the self-blame aside and focus on getting that safe place for yourself.

there wasn't religious abuse from him no (he always supported my career and didnt hold conservative views on women's roles) but we were both in a conservative and quite mysogynisitc religious community which was really at odds with the new sociological academic and feminist community I was now part of