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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help. Might be in love with two men

85 replies

Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:31

Would really appreciate advice.
DH and I married for 8 years, together 11. I'm 37. No kids. He's 41 and very different to me, manual/practical job, quiet, not very sociable. But a nice and funny man. I'm in a professional job and work long hours.
The other man is from work. The first moment I saw him (when I didn't know he was my colleague) I thought he was the most beautiful man I've seen in real life. We eventually became friends. I realised a few months ago I was attracted to him. I am not going to have an affair. I don't want to leave my DH. I made an excuse to move to another floor of my building and reduced contact, but we have ended up on the same team on a project. I can't get out of it, and I can't leave my (very good) job in my (extremely niche) area. I have stopped going out after work even though I now have very little social life because he's usually there (and I thought it would look weirder if I only go when he doesn't, idk)

I have no idea how other man feels about me. He's extremely caring. He remembers little things I say (eg that my mum as she hurt her hip a week ago) and will ask me about it. He buys me (and others) small but thoughtful gifts (for example, we both like tennis, the other day he randomly bought me a pack of fun tennis ball post its), brings coffee to meetings for everyone. My DH unfortunately compared unfavourably in this regard as he forgets everything I tell him, takes minimal interest in my interests, doesn't "do" gifts.

Other man is in his early 30s if that's relevant. I was very down at work recently due to a client dying and he offered me a hug which I really did want (from anyone tbh but especially him) but I declined. It's getting hard though so aside from leaving work, which I can't do, and him leaving, which is unlikely, I need to learn how to cope and forget him while seeing him every bloody day! Any tips greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Ilovemychocolate · 28/12/2025 14:36

You don’t need advice, you know exactly what to do!
Minimise contact as much as possible, concentrate more on your DH, and stop romantasizing your feelings.
You are not “in love” with him, you barely know him.

FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 14:36

Can you work from home part or full time? It sounds like you're trying your best but being around him this much isn't going to help. He must do something that gets on your nerves!

Alexadidzammomarryjackie · 28/12/2025 14:37

You aren't in love with 2 men. You have a husband and have had your head turned by someone else - that's not love. You don't speak about your husband in a very loving way. "He compared unfavourably" feels very point scoring of you. If you love your husband, work on your marriage. If you don't, leave.

Quincette · 28/12/2025 14:39

Sounds like a teenage crush. You can enjoy the fantasy of it, or end your marriage to pursue it. One thing you’re not, is ‘in love with 2 men’.

Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:40

@Ilovemychocolate sorry the timeliness weren't clear. I have known the other man for years - we've worked together since pre-Covid. I considered him a very close friend and only a few months ago realised I had romantic feelings for him which is when I moved office, stopped going out etc.
But now I am just home alone a lot and feel isolated at work as I'm sort of actively being unfriendly.

@FrodoBiggins no unfortunately I can work from home only about once a fortnight. That would be ideal.

OP posts:
Brandedpredatory · 28/12/2025 14:43

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Brandedpredatory · 28/12/2025 14:44

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BeQuaintRubyRobin · 28/12/2025 14:45

I don’t think you need to avoid him. You just need to calm down. You’re not in love. He’s not in love with you. He will probably never be interested in an older woman like you. He is a work acquaintance. Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you need a bit of a tough love reality check.

Ilovemychocolate · 28/12/2025 14:45

But knowing someone for years and being friends with someone is not the same as having a relationship with them, so how can you be in love with him?
You literally see him at his absolute best!
I am always so perplexed at these kind of threads, what advice are you looking for?
Permission to have an affair?
Advice to work on your marriage?
YOU are in this position, what on earth can strangers on the internet do to assist you?

grinchmcgrinchface · 28/12/2025 14:45

Your not in love with two men, you have a teenage crush the second one. He most likely doesn’t even have feelings for you!

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 14:47

Im going to go against the grain here and say that you speak quite dispassionately about your husband here...sounds like you settled and You're not that compatible. Unless I'm totally misunderstanding or misreading.

You're still young...the other man maybe a crush or he maybe the love of your life? Who knows... personally if I was in my thirties with no kids, no way would I stay married to a man I wasn't crazy about

Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:51

@BeQuaintRubyRobin tough love very welcome! Although I'm not sure about "older woman" lol we're only about 3 years apart

@Ilovemychocolate thanks for taking the time to reply although you obviously don't understand why I posted. I am looking for advice as for obvious reasons I can't tell anyone IRL.

Ideally I would like to go back to being friends with him without romantic feelings. I miss being normal at work and socialising after work. I work very long hours and it's a large part of my life. It would be nice to hear if anyone has managed this (to go back to no feelings).

Fair enough to those saying it's just a crush, perhaps you're right. But I've been in love before and had crushes before and I can usually tell the difference

OP posts:
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:52

grinchmcgrinchface · 28/12/2025 14:45

Your not in love with two men, you have a teenage crush the second one. He most likely doesn’t even have feelings for you!

I hope he doesn't tbh. I don't actually want a relationship with him I want to stop thinking about him all the bloody time.

OP posts:
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:55

@Comedycook I love my DH. Am I crazy about him? Maybe not. We are quite different but I don't see that as a bad thing. He has upset me a bit recently eg being shit on my birthday, being grumpy. Usually we get on well. I think the other guy being good about the stuff DH is crap at (unfairly) makes me more pissed off with DH & more attracted to other guy. But DH is great at loads of stuff. He is really really funny and other guy is not that funny.

Perhaps I'll keep asking him to tell jokes in public until I get the ick

OP posts:
inkognitha · 28/12/2025 14:56

This crush is a messenger of other things.

If you were happier with your husband/life, this colleague wouldn't probably look so attractive. Seems you are in denial about how you really feel, and this colleague is the way your mind lets the pressure off.

You will not see the colleague for who he really is as long as you don t face what you really want from life and your DH.

FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 15:00

inkognitha · 28/12/2025 14:56

This crush is a messenger of other things.

If you were happier with your husband/life, this colleague wouldn't probably look so attractive. Seems you are in denial about how you really feel, and this colleague is the way your mind lets the pressure off.

You will not see the colleague for who he really is as long as you don t face what you really want from life and your DH.

This

BeQuaintRubyRobin · 28/12/2025 15:04

Haha, fair enough that that is not a big age difference. But he probably is interested in women younger than him.

I think you can go back to being friends if you realize he’s not all that. Trying to get the ick is a good idea.

Gamerlady · 28/12/2025 15:04

Youre being disrespectful towards your husband, put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if this was your husband. You clearly don't love your husband the way you say you do otherwise you wouldn't be drooling over another man.

TheendofmrY · 28/12/2025 15:06

It’s your fanny talking. If it’s not passing and you can’t engineer staying well away at work, it’s time to start looking for a new job.

grinchmcgrinchface · 28/12/2025 15:06

Gamerlady · 28/12/2025 15:04

Youre being disrespectful towards your husband, put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if this was your husband. You clearly don't love your husband the way you say you do otherwise you wouldn't be drooling over another man.

I actually agree with this.

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 15:06

I love my DH. Am I crazy about him Maybe not

Yeah...you settled.

TheendofmrY · 28/12/2025 15:07

inkognitha · 28/12/2025 14:56

This crush is a messenger of other things.

If you were happier with your husband/life, this colleague wouldn't probably look so attractive. Seems you are in denial about how you really feel, and this colleague is the way your mind lets the pressure off.

You will not see the colleague for who he really is as long as you don t face what you really want from life and your DH.

Hard disagree. Crushes happen, that doesn’t mean a marriage isn’t worth remaining committed to.

BillieWiper · 28/12/2025 15:13

Sounds like you're a thirteen year old. Declaring you're 'in love' with anyone male who happens to not be a Shrek impersonating axe murderer.

You're married FFS. If you don't want to be married anymore which you clearly can't do if you're 'in love' with people because they buy coffee for the team or gave you a hug, then do your DH a favour and use the door.

If you were a man we'd have ripped you to shreds.

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 15:13

BeQuaintRubyRobin · 28/12/2025 15:04

Haha, fair enough that that is not a big age difference. But he probably is interested in women younger than him.

I think you can go back to being friends if you realize he’s not all that. Trying to get the ick is a good idea.

She's only three years older than him... This is misogynistic crap, the idea that men are only attracted to younger women and that a man couldn't possibly be attracted to a woman the same age or older than him. Fwiw I suspect the work guy does find her attractive...he bought her a gift, men don't randomly buy presents for women they aren't attracted to

Sleepasaurus · 28/12/2025 15:17

Instead of working out how you navigate how to be around your colleague you need to work on your marriage. Isn’t that what being married is about?