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Help. Might be in love with two men

85 replies

Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:31

Would really appreciate advice.
DH and I married for 8 years, together 11. I'm 37. No kids. He's 41 and very different to me, manual/practical job, quiet, not very sociable. But a nice and funny man. I'm in a professional job and work long hours.
The other man is from work. The first moment I saw him (when I didn't know he was my colleague) I thought he was the most beautiful man I've seen in real life. We eventually became friends. I realised a few months ago I was attracted to him. I am not going to have an affair. I don't want to leave my DH. I made an excuse to move to another floor of my building and reduced contact, but we have ended up on the same team on a project. I can't get out of it, and I can't leave my (very good) job in my (extremely niche) area. I have stopped going out after work even though I now have very little social life because he's usually there (and I thought it would look weirder if I only go when he doesn't, idk)

I have no idea how other man feels about me. He's extremely caring. He remembers little things I say (eg that my mum as she hurt her hip a week ago) and will ask me about it. He buys me (and others) small but thoughtful gifts (for example, we both like tennis, the other day he randomly bought me a pack of fun tennis ball post its), brings coffee to meetings for everyone. My DH unfortunately compared unfavourably in this regard as he forgets everything I tell him, takes minimal interest in my interests, doesn't "do" gifts.

Other man is in his early 30s if that's relevant. I was very down at work recently due to a client dying and he offered me a hug which I really did want (from anyone tbh but especially him) but I declined. It's getting hard though so aside from leaving work, which I can't do, and him leaving, which is unlikely, I need to learn how to cope and forget him while seeing him every bloody day! Any tips greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 31/12/2025 19:21

What was the Christmas present?

Dweetfidilove · 31/12/2025 20:09

inkognitha · 28/12/2025 14:56

This crush is a messenger of other things.

If you were happier with your husband/life, this colleague wouldn't probably look so attractive. Seems you are in denial about how you really feel, and this colleague is the way your mind lets the pressure off.

You will not see the colleague for who he really is as long as you don t face what you really want from life and your DH.

I agree with this.

Something is off kilter in your marriage and you must explore what that is. You sound quite dissatisfied with your husband and that needs to be addressed. I can understand you say he's not measuring up favourably, if an engaged, thoughful man is what you long for.
Sometimes we prod along thinking we're okay, until someone holds a mirror up to us or we experience something we didn't even realise we were missing.

I hope you can work this out one way or another, but don't succumb to your feelings and start an affair. That wouldn't be fair on your husband.

Adviceneeder123 · 01/01/2026 17:42

FrodoBiggins · 31/12/2025 19:21

What was the Christmas present?

A pair of earrings. Not expensive or in a box, just on a bit of card in the envelope with the xmas card. I went to Porto in Spring and was banging on talking about the tiles when I got back. They're little square blue and white tiles, studs. Very cute. They're in my desk drawer 🙁

OP posts:
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 01/01/2026 17:47

If you have fallen out of love with your husband and in love with this man, then go for it. You don’t have kids. You only have one life.

FrodoBiggins · 01/01/2026 18:15

That's quite a sentimental gift. I'm leaning towards either gay or into you. I don't know many, maybe any, straight men who would buy something like that for a friend. But maybe I need nicer mates?!

WatermelonSeeds10 · 01/01/2026 19:23

Did you go to Porto with your DH and would this workplace guy know this?

I feel there is a little more going on than a standard workplace crush. This sounds like the start of something.

Your reaction to the gift of the earrings is telling. You kept them, why?

3luckystars · 01/01/2026 19:30

I would take it as a sign that your marriage is not good. Either fix that or leave, don’t stay in this state, it’s hell for everyone.

You know you will be totally ok whatever you decide. Best of luck x

Adviceneeder123 · 01/01/2026 19:59

WatermelonSeeds10 · 01/01/2026 19:23

Did you go to Porto with your DH and would this workplace guy know this?

I feel there is a little more going on than a standard workplace crush. This sounds like the start of something.

Your reaction to the gift of the earrings is telling. You kept them, why?

No, with my sisters. Can I ask why you ask?
I didn't know what to do with them. I just put them in my drawer as soon as I opened. I don't intend to take them home or wear them. I'll charity shop or chuck away.

OP posts:
Adviceneeder123 · 01/01/2026 19:59

3luckystars · 01/01/2026 19:30

I would take it as a sign that your marriage is not good. Either fix that or leave, don’t stay in this state, it’s hell for everyone.

You know you will be totally ok whatever you decide. Best of luck x

Thanks. I feel sad and confused. But I really appreciate all the advice

OP posts:
WatermelonSeeds10 · 01/01/2026 20:32

I think it’s a present that’s a bit more thoughtful than the standard work colleague gift such as a mug or chocolates.

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