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Original poster

Help. Might be in love with two men

85 replies

Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 14:31

Would really appreciate advice.
DH and I married for 8 years, together 11. I'm 37. No kids. He's 41 and very different to me, manual/practical job, quiet, not very sociable. But a nice and funny man. I'm in a professional job and work long hours.
The other man is from work. The first moment I saw him (when I didn't know he was my colleague) I thought he was the most beautiful man I've seen in real life. We eventually became friends. I realised a few months ago I was attracted to him. I am not going to have an affair. I don't want to leave my DH. I made an excuse to move to another floor of my building and reduced contact, but we have ended up on the same team on a project. I can't get out of it, and I can't leave my (very good) job in my (extremely niche) area. I have stopped going out after work even though I now have very little social life because he's usually there (and I thought it would look weirder if I only go when he doesn't, idk)

I have no idea how other man feels about me. He's extremely caring. He remembers little things I say (eg that my mum as she hurt her hip a week ago) and will ask me about it. He buys me (and others) small but thoughtful gifts (for example, we both like tennis, the other day he randomly bought me a pack of fun tennis ball post its), brings coffee to meetings for everyone. My DH unfortunately compared unfavourably in this regard as he forgets everything I tell him, takes minimal interest in my interests, doesn't "do" gifts.

Other man is in his early 30s if that's relevant. I was very down at work recently due to a client dying and he offered me a hug which I really did want (from anyone tbh but especially him) but I declined. It's getting hard though so aside from leaving work, which I can't do, and him leaving, which is unlikely, I need to learn how to cope and forget him while seeing him every bloody day! Any tips greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2025 15:20

You can’t possibly be properly in love with someone you know to this level. If you are adamant that you are, that’s kinda worse, because it suggests you don’t really know what love is and are equating limerence with love.

Original poster
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 15:23

@arethereanyleftatall what is limerance?
I know him really well. I know all my colleagues really well. We've worked together for many years. I have been to colleagues' weddings, funerals, kids' christenings.
I'm pretty sure I know what love is (although my aunt once kindly told me that as I'll never have children - can't - I'll never experience "real love". Cheers Janet)

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 28/12/2025 15:23

Sure.
I was there as well, coincidentally around your age. No children, either.
Give your head a serious wobble.

Original poster
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 15:25

Gamerlady · 28/12/2025 15:04

Youre being disrespectful towards your husband, put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if this was your husband. You clearly don't love your husband the way you say you do otherwise you wouldn't be drooling over another man.

Disrespectful how? I totally agree it's not fair on DH but they're feelings I didn't want and am trying to stop having
I've not acted on it at all. I've moved to a less nice office, turned down one new project I wanted to do and basically stopped socialising. I've resorted to asking strangers online because I don't want to risk putting friends in an awkward position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 15:26

@Luckyingame did you do something specific to get over it or did it just go away?

OP posts:
inkognitha · 28/12/2025 15:27

TheendofmrY · 28/12/2025 15:07

Hard disagree. Crushes happen, that doesn’t mean a marriage isn’t worth remaining committed to.

Show quote history

Women content and in love don t develop crushes.

And I m not saying whether OP should or should not stay committed in her marriage, I think OP should explore her feelings because this crush is definitely a symptom of an unmet need.

Is this need worth a breakup or not, only OP knows. but from reading her posts, it seems the partner has been very disappointing recently, yet she decided to stick with it, put on a brave face ... and suddenly the colleague becomes extremely desirable.

Seems like OP has already made a lot of effort and found a lot of forgiveness to salvage her relationship and stay committed, and her mind is just done pretending or believing it.

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 15:27

The thing is if the op was single, posters would be saying that it could be a potential relationship....loads of relationships start in the workplace. But because she's married, it must be a crush?

FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 15:29

TheendofmrY · 28/12/2025 15:07

Hard disagree. Crushes happen, that doesn’t mean a marriage isn’t worth remaining committed to.

Show quote history

I'm torn. I think it's probably a sign of issues in the marriage OP should work on but from the little info we have it sounds like it could be worked on. OP doesn't genuinely seem to want to run off with the young lad

Lurkingandlearning · 28/12/2025 15:29

You are focusing on his good qualities remind yourself of his flaws, a lot.

Try to work out why, after all these years, you have started to feel this way. You’re probably in a rut with your husband. Work with him to make some changes.

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 15:32

FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 15:29

I'm torn. I think it's probably a sign of issues in the marriage OP should work on but from the little info we have it sounds like it could be worked on. OP doesn't genuinely seem to want to run off with the young lad

Show quote history

Young lad? Behave yourself...he's in his thirties, as is the op.

Newbutoldfather · 28/12/2025 15:37

@Adviceneeder123 ,

I think you are in a tough position and you need to take some hard decisions.

Firstly, once you allow the thought that you are ‘in love’ with someone, on one level it gives you licence to take things further. However much you try to avoid him, if you work closely together, there will come a time when you are alone with him and to then take things further. You will then be adamant that it was ‘meant to be’ and that you did your best.!

Secondly, both the feelings for the other man and the way you speak about your husband shows you are measuring him up against the OM and he is found wanting.

So what do you do? You have to be proactive about both your thoughts (counselling maybe) and your marriage. You can either decide it has run its course or go to marriage guidance with the aim of rekindling the passion and love.

I think that, unless you take concrete steps to save your marriage (assuming you want to), this will end in a car crash.

BCSurvivor · 28/12/2025 15:38

OP, with respect, you need to give your head a wobble.
You are not ''in love'' with two men, you are married to a man you no longer seem to be attracted to and infatuated with a younger man at work.
I highly doubt the man at work feels the same about you, unless you are deliberately flirting with him.
Rather than craving attention from/fantasizing about this younger man you need to work out what is wrong within your marriage.
How would you feel if your husband was doing this?

FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 15:41

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 15:32

Young lad? Behave yourself...he's in his thirties, as is the op.

Show quote history

Yes sorry I was joking based on a PP calling her "an older woman"

Comedycook · 28/12/2025 15:44

FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 15:41

Yes sorry I was joking based on a PP calling her "an older woman"

Show quote history

Oh I see! Does seem like a lot of other posters seem fixated on the fact he is, gasp, three years younger. This is so sexist imo

m00rfarm · 28/12/2025 15:47

You are not in love with the man at work. It is more than likely that you are not in love with your husband. So your title is somewhat inaccurate.

Original poster
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 15:49

Newbutoldfather · 28/12/2025 15:37

@Adviceneeder123 ,

I think you are in a tough position and you need to take some hard decisions.

Firstly, once you allow the thought that you are ‘in love’ with someone, on one level it gives you licence to take things further. However much you try to avoid him, if you work closely together, there will come a time when you are alone with him and to then take things further. You will then be adamant that it was ‘meant to be’ and that you did your best.!

Secondly, both the feelings for the other man and the way you speak about your husband shows you are measuring him up against the OM and he is found wanting.

So what do you do? You have to be proactive about both your thoughts (counselling maybe) and your marriage. You can either decide it has run its course or go to marriage guidance with the aim of rekindling the passion and love.

I think that, unless you take concrete steps to save your marriage (assuming you want to), this will end in a car crash.

Thank you I really appreciate the advice. Counselling might be the way although I would have to persuade DH. But I think if I told him it was important to me he would do it. At the least I do need to reframe this as a me problem/sign I need to work on my marriage, not as a guy at work problem.

I would not do anything if we were "alone". I don't want to I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Even if I were single I'm not sure I would try. It would make work difficult, as others have said there's no reason he would be interested and even if he was he is young and so probably still wants children and I can't.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 28/12/2025 15:49

He's extremely caring. He remembers little things I say (eg that my mum as she hurt her hip a week ago) and will ask me about it.

If he is the only person who asked after your mother, how many people did you tell about her injury?

Most people I know would ask after an injured loved one if a previous conversation was about that - I think you’re putting someone who’s completely normal on a pedestal to juxtapose them against DH because you’re unhappy with aspects of your relationship.

Work on your marriage or don’t, but try to be realistic about how amazing this completely normal-sounding man actually is.

Original poster
Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 15:52

@LonginesPrime we were together when she rang, I had to step out of a meeting. She's OK though it's not major so I only told a couple of people. That was just one example but you'll have to believe me that he's a thoughtful person and a good listener. I very much valued his friendship before all this

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 28/12/2025 16:40

Adviceneeder123 · 28/12/2025 15:23

@arethereanyleftatall what is limerance?
I know him really well. I know all my colleagues really well. We've worked together for many years. I have been to colleagues' weddings, funerals, kids' christenings.
I'm pretty sure I know what love is (although my aunt once kindly told me that as I'll never have children - can't - I'll never experience "real love". Cheers Janet)

limerence is a new word which half of mumsnet are suddenly obsessed with...

Bestfootforward11 · 30/12/2025 19:42

I think you are looking for something new in life and it’s maybe manifesting in this way. What do you do apart from work? Do you have plans for the future both for you individually and with your DH? Eg travel, learn something new etc. It sounds like maybe you are attracted to this man but the rest is fantasy. I think you should do some solo counselling to work out what it is you need and want in life. Maybe this man is highlighting stuff your DH doesn’t offer but this works the other way around too as in you said your DH was really funny. What’s happening with the relationship with your DH generally? Do you feel happy/content and if not, what is it that’s missing? Have you spoken to your DH about it? How does he feel about things? I’ve been married 15 years now, together 16.5. We’ve been through ups and downs as we’ve both changed, both experienced different things with different backgrounds etc, but every time we drift slightly we come back together stronger. The main thing is to really talk with your DH about stuff that goes beyond putting the bins out and having a laugh. It’s normal to want excitement or something new but lots of things in life can provide that and I think maybe you are looking to this person to provide it when actually you can find it yourself. This may not resonate with you but just some thoughts to consider. Best wishes.

Horses7 · 30/12/2025 19:57

Very Love Actually vibes.

ThatAquaRobin · 30/12/2025 20:12

Let me tell you a story about a crush/limerance I had with a man I worked with.
It started when he sat next to me at a Christmas do. He and I were both married. He still is happily.
I was besotted with him for around 4 or 5 years. I dressed up for all work outings. I made more of an effort with my appearance when going to work than I did with my husband.
Once my husband did say something and asked "what was going on with me?" We sorted that out or so I thought. I left the job eventually but my husband had felt neglected and taken for granted in retrospect.
He ended our marriage suddenly and blindsided me in 2021.
Focus on your husband
Get your head out of your arse with this guy and work on your marriage.
FWIW I'm now seeing someone else and I'm very happy albeit a fairly new relationship.
Would I have chosen a divorce? Hell no.

CrackersMalackers · 30/12/2025 20:16

This is classic limerence OP. Some people are prone to it and 'get it' and some don't. The classic person to develop limerence over is a work colleague who blows hot and cold. It's characterised by obsesive thoughts and behaviour that can cause distress.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

the cure is cutting contact!

Limerence - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

OneLilacHare · 30/12/2025 20:18

From what you have said it isn't so much you are struggling with feelings. You know you love your husband. You are dealing with unwanted and intrusive thoughts. I would use mindfulness techniques such as identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. Or focusing on the fine details of something. There are a lot of websites that can give you ideas for these techniques.

LucyMonth · 30/12/2025 20:39

So you usually work very long hours and then socialise with work colleagues after work? No wonder you are feeling disconnected from your DH and attached to your colleague.

You describe him as a “very good friend” but has he not noticed that you barely see him anymore? My very good friends would be pestering the hell out of me if I suddenly started avoiding them at work and no longer socialising after work.

I’m not trying to shoot you down, I’m sure you’re lovely but…in all likelihood the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen, who listens and buys thoughtful gifts for everyone probably has plenty of options for romance. It’s unlikely he’s pinning away for you.

He’s also potentially gay. Beautiful tennis player who buys cute post its for his colleagues…screams gay.