My marriage healed me - I think I should divorce

[Preyar]

I’m really torn on whether I should post this or not. As it sits very much outside of what is conventional in the UK.

Im half Indian. My dad’s parents came to the UK from Punjab in the 50s. I grew up in a very typical British home. But with somewhat strict Sikh parents. I was allowed to date but I had to get permission. I was allowed to go to parties and drink but I had to get picked up by my dad. My parents were extremely overbearing. It wasn’t as oppressive as some other South Asian Brits experience. But it was insidious. I had to be a “good girl”.

I moved away for uni and met my now husband. He comes from a very similar background so we can connect in many ways. We dated for 8 years. I was only “allowed” to move in when we were engaged. Despite being highly educated and a professional. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell them to stuff it!

My husband is wonderful. He has allowed me to be who I truly am. He has allowed me so much freedom in our marriage. It’s been so healing. It’s just that I’ve come to feel now that I should have made these changes 7/8 years ago. I should have moved out and experienced the world. I went out. Partied. Don’t get me wrong but I always had to worry about upsetting my parents. I had to walk a very narrow path.

As a married woman I’ve very much enjoyed not having to worry about this. My husband helped me become the version of myself I always should have been.

I know my parents just wanted what they thought best for me. My mum is Irish Catholic. She always had very specific views about men using my body just for sex. She’s almost a misandrist tbh

I just think that I want to experience this new found freedom as an individual. Not as one half of a whole. I have a very happy marriage. My husband has given me a wonderful life. But I can’t help but feel like I need to make up for some chapters I skipped. I want to go on holiday on my own and not feel compelled to text my parents to reassure them I am alive. I want some space. I should have reached this place on my own and not via marriage.

Very confused. I know my experiences will be alien to many on here.

Do you have children?

No

I'm sorry that you had a difficult experience as a young person. Bear in mind that being and doing things now as a free single person will not be the same as if you had done it while younger, you can't roll back time.
I'd suggest getting some counselling/therapy to address grief and loss around things you missed as a youngster before thinking about whether you really want to separate from your husband. How old are you now? Will you want to have children, if so what is the likelihood of finding someone as live as your husband and what kind of timescale are you thinking of? By trying to not miss out on one experience you may miss out on another.
Also, regarding your husband. Do you love him?

I wouldn't throw away your marriage for a few free shags OP. You can be married and go on holiday alone, I'd do that before you make any rash decisions.

I think your issues are with your controlling parents rather than your husband, you're still talking about going on holiday and not texting them - why do you need to be single to do that? It seems like you're still trying to break free from them and think that being single will somehow do that.

I’m 31. I would like children. But if it didn’t happen I could accept that.

I do love my husband. He’s wonderful in every way.

If you don't have children you're free to do whatever you want really then aren't you. If you don't want to be married anymore then just don't be. If you're OK with the idea of losing your husband and you can cope with the possibility you may never meet anyone else like him or be able to have children (if you want them) then that's up to you.

I know that sounds flippant but it's true. When you have children you have to make decisions with others in mind but you can act entirely selfishly if you don't.

The only question that comes to mind is why you can't have solo holidays and so on whilst married?

I am drawn to having complete freedom and space. Not having to account for a single thing I do. I was a coward and completely brainwashed for so many years.

Perhaps you can travel solo and take on new experiences without losing your lovely husband? Your mum wasn’t wrong about many men being a risk. Lots of women are terribly exploited and hurt when young and you were saved from that.

I suppose I went from being a daughter to a wife as my main identity. I feel compelled to experience life just as me. Not in relation to others

@Preyar Have this conversation with your husband.

I can relate in some ways. I grew up in a conservative religion and got married very young. Being married meant that I could relax and not worry about the ultimate achievement in my religion (which is getting married)! My husband and I have since left our religion and both have some sadness and regret with how much it controlled and depleted our lives. We are both the only sexual partner the other one has had.

However I have made peace with some of this regret. I have a husband who loves me and respects me and is also a committed family man. I wish I had dated more but I also feel I have been saved from the trauma of bad relationships and horrible men. We traveled together and managed to have some fun experiences. When my children are older and have left home I am looking forward to having more freedom again but to enjoy it together.

If you love your husband can you try explore life together more? Do you really want to do it single?

FWIW I think you’d be bonkers to throw away a good marriage to a good man that you love just to experience freedom. The grass isn’t always greener. Can you not become more independent whilst remaining in your marriage ?

If it isn’t about sex then can’t you find some ways to feel that freedom without divorcing as your husband and marriage sound too good a thing to throw away? Can you go travelling, whether that’s for an occasional weekend hiking in the lake district or a month in hostels somewhere far-flung, and would your husband be comfortable with you going largely off radar for that time? If so that might scratch that itch and also you might find yourself looking forward to coming home and reconnecting afterwards - if not you could think again.

I have fond memories of being at uni and not needing to please anyone but myself. I didn't do anything at all rebellious, and my parents weren't strict, but it was the absolute freedom to say yes to whatever I wanted without needing to tell anyone. I imagine that would be even more powerful compared to a strict upbringing, so I can understand your longing.

However you are lucky to have such an amazing husband. Plus I don't know that freedom would look the same in your 30s, when you presumably have a job and a bit more life wisdom. I would try to explore this with your husband first. Could you take a sabbatical from work and travel alone? There's a real risk you will look back and deeply regret letting him go.

We all have to account for some things though, even if it is just at work in order to get money to survive. Make sure you aren't chasing an impossible dream.

I just think that I want to experience this new found freedom as an individual. Not as one half of a whole. I have a very happy marriage Then don’t destroy something that is good and that is working for you. Get yourself some counselling so you can undo the damage your parents did and start to see yourself as a person in your own right; not just an extension of someone else.

My husband has given me a wonderful life. But I can’t help but feel like I need to make up for some chapters I skipped What exactly is it you feel you missed out on? Are you talking about staying out all night partying? Casual sex? Drugs and alcohol? You’re 31; you would feel ridiculous in a nightclub. To throw away a happy marriage with a man you love for mediocre sex with some sleazebag would be madness. I guarantee you, you will put your head in your hands and ask yourself what the fuck you were thinking.

I want to go on holiday on my own and not feel compelled to text my parents to reassure them I am alive. I want some space. I should have reached this place on my own and not via marriage Yes, it would have been great if you’d done it that way. But that’s not how it happened. All you can do now is learn how to be your own person, without destroying your entire life in the process and throwing away a happy relationship that does allow you to be your own person. Do you think your parents will simply back off if you leave him? That they will consider you old enough to make your own decisions? I don’t think they will. I think you’ll leave your DH, full of visions of your own little apartment somewhere, girls weekends away and a fwb. In reality, they’ll swoop and you won’t have the skills to fend them off without getting hysterical, which will only convince them you’re having some king of breakdown and can’t be left alone for a moment. You’ll be back in that spare room with them monitoring your every move before you know it.

I would absolutely set far healthier boundaries with my family were I to divorce. I absolutely would never move back in with my parents.

Why can't you just go on holiday on your own and still stay married to your husband 😅 and don't text your parents?

Divorce him if you want but that's not the answer to your problems

You were maybe behind the times OP but you were not a coward. I am
mid 40’s Irish catholic married to an atheist English man. There was no living together until we were married never mind engaged. You sound like you got a mix of two very strict cultures. Honestly I would not throw away a happy marriage in search of some freedom which you seem to have already. Why don’t you speak with your husband and organise a holiday on your own not to meet anyone else but just for you.

I completely understand. I don't know why but I do.

You want the space and freedom to exist and just be. To go somewhere without having to explain why you're there and account for your safety. You can do this.

You can also do this whilst staying married to the person you have described on this site who sounds pretty good

Don’t throw away your marriage! Talk to your husband. Ignore your parents. Your life is yours, your choices. Book a holiday alone, go on a course, do something different and encourage your dh and to do the same. Bring out the best in each other and be happy.

I think there's a strong possibility you might regret leaving a good man & a good marriage to chase some perceived lost youth and freedom. This is past trauma, created by your parents, not your husband.
The grass isn't always greener.
Explore other forms of freedom, like lone travel, or maybe some therapy to come to terms with your oppressive childhood.

This is really a key point, you were robbed of that. Can you have counselling to help you decide?

You can’t get back the time that is gone or the experiences that you missed, life has to be lived forward. Explore the feelings of wanting your own identity. Both in individual therapy and with your husband (gently).

Actual single life in your 30s is very different to the single life you imagine from within a happy relationship. I made the transition at about your age and from a much less happy relationship, it’s hard and lonely and exactly the time all my previously single friends settled down and had kids and involved a lot less partying than I hoped. For me it was the right choice but I wouldn’t advise leaving a marriage you actually enjoy for that.

However… at the beginning I probably would have said it’s a great relationship, of course I love him, I just need a bit of space, want to go on holiday by myself, missed out on my early 20s etc. It was only gradually that I realized it was not giving me what I needed and never could.

So you need to work through the feelings more. Try talking therapy and going on holiday alone or generally having more adventures and challenging yourself and so on. If all of that clarifies that you actually don’t find your husband quite so wonderful then yes you can start again. Just accept that single life won’t be anything like the thing you feel you’ve missed out on.

You say you want to experience freedom as though you can only do that as a single person. But it sounds like you have freedom within the context of a happy marriage. That is most people’s dream.

It might seem an odd analogy, but I see a comparison with people who only realise they are bisexual after years in a happy heterosexual marriage. They think about “what if?” they had had the chance to experiment with people of the same sex before they settled down. Wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex.

Life is all about choices which close off other choices. And not about being happy all the time, but being happy with what you have, most of the time. It sounds like you are. In your shoes I would think about what you really mean by “freedom”. Eg if you yearn to be free to have a holiday on your own, you could discuss that with your husband, explain your thinking. There’s no reason you couldn’t do that just because you’re married. You’re not joined at the hip!

I wouldn’t leave a loving relationship with a good person because I was hankering after an idea of what life might have been like in a parallel universe where I’d made different choices.