My marriage healed me - I think I should divorce

[Preyar]

I’m really torn on whether I should post this or not. As it sits very much outside of what is conventional in the UK.

Im half Indian. My dad’s parents came to the UK from Punjab in the 50s. I grew up in a very typical British home. But with somewhat strict Sikh parents. I was allowed to date but I had to get permission. I was allowed to go to parties and drink but I had to get picked up by my dad. My parents were extremely overbearing. It wasn’t as oppressive as some other South Asian Brits experience. But it was insidious. I had to be a “good girl”.

I moved away for uni and met my now husband. He comes from a very similar background so we can connect in many ways. We dated for 8 years. I was only “allowed” to move in when we were engaged. Despite being highly educated and a professional. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell them to stuff it!

My husband is wonderful. He has allowed me to be who I truly am. He has allowed me so much freedom in our marriage. It’s been so healing. It’s just that I’ve come to feel now that I should have made these changes 7/8 years ago. I should have moved out and experienced the world. I went out. Partied. Don’t get me wrong but I always had to worry about upsetting my parents. I had to walk a very narrow path.

As a married woman I’ve very much enjoyed not having to worry about this. My husband helped me become the version of myself I always should have been.

I know my parents just wanted what they thought best for me. My mum is Irish Catholic. She always had very specific views about men using my body just for sex. She’s almost a misandrist tbh

I just think that I want to experience this new found freedom as an individual. Not as one half of a whole. I have a very happy marriage. My husband has given me a wonderful life. But I can’t help but feel like I need to make up for some chapters I skipped. I want to go on holiday on my own and not feel compelled to text my parents to reassure them I am alive. I want some space. I should have reached this place on my own and not via marriage.

Very confused. I know my experiences will be alien to many on here.

I guess it’s hard for me to project my feelings onto your experiences but I could never imagine wanting to leave someone I loved (who is also clearly a lovely man) for such abstract reasons. Is it possible you don’t really love him? Doesn’t the thought of being without him devastate you?

You can.have freedom.within a marriage. Make a point of doing, more, things apart from.your husband. Talk to.him, explain. He may feel the same. He might want to go on holiday alone, he may not. He may have had more freedom than you. You sound good together. The issue is an issue with your parents it seems, not your marriage.

Be very careful. The grass isn’t always greener.

Careful what you wish for

Why would you hurt someone you say you love and is kind. Good husbands are hard to find.

I think u owe ur husband an explanation quickly and then u should decide as others have said if he is forth throwing away for a couple of holiday romances. Feeling free and being free are totally different. Go on holiday yourself and find yourself, but be prepared from no having hubby when u come back. Ur entitled to do as u please. As is he.

Are you attracted to someone else OP? Is this really what this is about?

I've only read your replies but I imagine most people are saying don't throw away a good marriage for some fantasy of what life would be like when you're single. I agree with this. I understand what you mean, as I am from an Asian background. However, I did do the partying/going on holiday on my own. I still had to communicate with my parents if I wasn't going to come home. I went on lots of holidays. I'm not saying it wasn't fabulous and that I didn't have a great time, but part of that was doing it with other people my age.
Do you have friends who go out partying? By the age of 25 my friends had all moved on from that life and had settled into long term relationships. Going out clubbing is only good if you do it with friends. It would be very difficult to try and make new, younger friends who want to go out partying with you. Just because you are married ( especially married without kids) doesn't mean you cant go on holiday by yourself. I suspect your husband would rather you said you wanted to go backpacking round Thailand on your own for a few weeks than you tell him you want a divorce. It will probably not be all you have imagined in your head.

I wonder if starting to detach yourself from your parents while you stay in your life may help. I think you need therapy. How often are you in touch with them?

I can see what you mean I think. I was lucky to have parents and a wider culture for whom it was normal to detach yourself as a teenager and head off into the world. They gave me immense freedom. I still ended up directionless and married the wrong person in my mid 20s. Had to extricate myself aged 30 and finally grew up a bit. Ultimately we do make our own decisions at least to some extent and so far your decisions have been not to rebel. Maybe you do need to burn down your life as it stands, maybe you don’t. I’d get someone to talk it through with and try some smaller steps first.

It sounds like a good marriage, I’d definitely keep that! Could you satisfy the craving for freedom with a bit of solo travel? It seems your DH would support you in this. It might scratch the itch and give you the opportunity to miss each other.

Itsnso hard to meet wonderful people who love us and we love back op.

Why would you want to give that up?

Why can't you go and explore with your husband?

I would try and get some counselling to talk through your feelings. My initial thought is that it seems very drastic to throw away a relationship in which you are happy with someone who you love.

I don't think this will ever happen though unless you are completely alone and friendless. That is not fun for very long. Your problems are caused by you seemingly having too many people who love and care for you. Maybe you just need space sometimes ( so do we all) but throwing your family away so that you dont have to tell people where you are seems extreme. I think you are projecting that this is because you had strict parents, but it doesn't sound like they were particularly strict. You went away to University. Your father married a White woman. You just had to text your parents that you were OK when you went out. That's what most people have to do when they are young.

So you love your husband but want to leave him to experience life as a single woman?

You married a good man who treats you well but yet you want a divorce so you can travel the world and feel able to not text someone?

Your husband has helped heal you but you thank him by leaving him?

The grass isnt always greener on the other side. You are looking at this through rose tinted glasses. If you really want to leave do it but I suspect you willl regret it. However your loss will be another woman's gain because lots of woman would love a man like that.

OP, wonderful husbands don’t grow on trees, and you are now in your thirties. You are chasing rainbows - the freedom you crave would have been fine in your late teens/early twenties, but both life and you move on. Even were you to divorce, you won’t have the experiences now that you would have had as, say, a student together with others of a similar age and outlook. That ship has sailed - so you need to accept that your glass is more than half full rather than half empty, and thank your lucky stars you’re married to a good and kind man who loves you, rather than tearing everything up for nothing. Tell me: how would you feel if your DH turned round to you and said he wanted a divorce in order to pursue a freedom that he felt he had missed out in? I venture to suggest you’d be very hurt.

what freedom are you thinking of? Carrying on your job but living in a shitty house share ? Doing a season in a ski resort?, hanging out on a beach in Thailand? working for a charity in Africa ?
I feel the ship has sailed, you cant go backwards, but you can talk to your husband & see if you can make a plan that ultimately doesn't destroy your future

Would seek counselling with someone well qualified. What you describe are subjective, imagined thoughts and feelings that you may well not experience if you separate. Or you could experience them but along with more negative, other thoughts and feelings.

It could be better to identify some things you’d like to do, alone, and start to do them!

We all have parts of lives we regret, or wish we lived a certain way in our younger lives but we all have to accept that it didn't happen. And that's OK.
If you want to turn people's lives on their head because you want to know what it's like to be alone go a head but it sounds completely bonkers.
You can be your own person outside of being a wife.
Speak to your husband and say you want a solo traveling holiday he sounds like he'd support you to do it and hold the fort at home.
You might just find it isn't all what you think it is and you just might ruin the best thing that ever happened to you.

I think that throwing away your marriage as a reaction to your parents is still having them as the central theme in your life. It isn't independence you seem to be craving, it's telling them to do one - you can easily (more easily) do this within your happy marriage. Just because they approve of something in your life, doesn't make it a bad thing or anything to do with them.

Is there some other part if your life you can change for a similar feeling - how about you and your DH living abroad or further away from your parents? A haircut they wouldn't like, a tattoo?

Therapy therapy and more therapy. At this stage don’t leave your husband, but you need support from a different place to work through your upbringing. I’ll be honest mine was practically identical and doesn’t seem to have impacted me in the same way, it was of a time of an era and I’m glad I was protected in some ways.

Honestly, I think you’d be crazy to leave a marriage with a husband who loves and supports you, whom you also love, simply to experience some nebulous ‘freedom’. You’d flit around for a year then massively regret it, meanwhile he’ll have moved on and met someone else. I understand that being in a couple isn’t the be all and end all, but think very carefully before you chuck away something that sounds great for a mirage of independence.

It sounds a little bit like a points scoring with your parents.
Not much to do with husband, nor a real need for freedom.
Just to show your parents that you are strong independent woman who can set clear boundaries , and stick to them.

From my experience, it doesn’t work. You have changed, but they haven’t, and wouldn’t respect your boundaries, again.
In relation to your parents, if you were to divorce, you’d be back to square one - they would treat you like you’re in their prison again.
There’s only one choice with parents like them: it’s their way, or get completely estranged.
When we are children we have to sacrifice our authenticity for the attachment and connection - for survival.

As grown-ups, not any more.
OP you can set your boundaries with your parents while being married. You don’t need to divorce for that.

I would highly recommend therapy.

Wait until children come along …

Book a solo trip on your own for two weeks and go off line completely. No check ins with anyone. A pilgrimage of sorts.

Talk to a counsellor and work through what freedom means to you, in what context and what it is likely to cost you.

I think it’s possible to achieve what you describe within a marriage, but not with children. Children require a 100% if your love and attention when small, you will drift even further away from yourself.

Go somewhere spiritual and meaningful to you, and explore some time to be your own person, the answers will come to you.

Sometimes even wonderful marriages are not enough, but there is plenty of room in this situation for regret if you are deeply in love with him, and enjoy your life. Take your time.

This is more to do with your upbringing tbh. A rebelliis resentment brewing up from your teenage self.

I wonder what you feel you have missed? You can dance on tables with your dh, and have a life of fun and debachuary with him, if that’s what you choose. Children will very much change the dynamic.

As someone who was brought up by catholic parents, to me your childhood seems normal (I’m 5 years older than you). My dad was a police officer so was always wary about me going out in town and liked to know I was safe. I didn’t want upset my parents either.
My sister moved in with her fiancé when she was engaged and her wedding was booked and my parents were still upset 🙄
Ive known my husband since I was 14 and we never stayed at each other houses (we didn’t move away for Uni) and moved in together when we were engaged at 23/24 and we married at 25. He’s my best friend and we’ve grown up together. I feel privileged that we found each other when we were young! We’ve had great holidays etc and now a 6 year old (we’ve had fertility issues so unable to have anymore children).

I honestly don’t feel like I’ve missed out and don’t feels as though I’ve just settled. I don’t feel like a half, I feel whole with him. He doesn’t restrict from doing things and vice versa with him.

You say you feel happy in your marriage etc so why would you throw that away?
it maybe that you need to speak with someone who isn’t connected at all in regards to what you have ‘missed’. From my understanding you went and lived away for uni (so I’m assuming age 18-21) a lot of people that’s their party years etc. Unfortunately as an employed 31 year old, you will need to be accountable for paying bills, having somewhere to live and your employer.

The grass isn’t greener. Being on your own is incredibly lonely.