My marriage healed me - I think I should divorce

[Preyar]

I’m really torn on whether I should post this or not. As it sits very much outside of what is conventional in the UK.

Im half Indian. My dad’s parents came to the UK from Punjab in the 50s. I grew up in a very typical British home. But with somewhat strict Sikh parents. I was allowed to date but I had to get permission. I was allowed to go to parties and drink but I had to get picked up by my dad. My parents were extremely overbearing. It wasn’t as oppressive as some other South Asian Brits experience. But it was insidious. I had to be a “good girl”.

I moved away for uni and met my now husband. He comes from a very similar background so we can connect in many ways. We dated for 8 years. I was only “allowed” to move in when we were engaged. Despite being highly educated and a professional. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell them to stuff it!

My husband is wonderful. He has allowed me to be who I truly am. He has allowed me so much freedom in our marriage. It’s been so healing. It’s just that I’ve come to feel now that I should have made these changes 7/8 years ago. I should have moved out and experienced the world. I went out. Partied. Don’t get me wrong but I always had to worry about upsetting my parents. I had to walk a very narrow path.

As a married woman I’ve very much enjoyed not having to worry about this. My husband helped me become the version of myself I always should have been.

I know my parents just wanted what they thought best for me. My mum is Irish Catholic. She always had very specific views about men using my body just for sex. She’s almost a misandrist tbh

I just think that I want to experience this new found freedom as an individual. Not as one half of a whole. I have a very happy marriage. My husband has given me a wonderful life. But I can’t help but feel like I need to make up for some chapters I skipped. I want to go on holiday on my own and not feel compelled to text my parents to reassure them I am alive. I want some space. I should have reached this place on my own and not via marriage.

Very confused. I know my experiences will be alien to many on here.

So your parents cared enough to be (annoyingly) concerned, without stopping you from doing what you wanted? Yes, it's overbearing, but it could've stopped at any point if you'd put your foot down (and no, it's not that weird to live at home until you're married). It sounds like you have a lot of valid feelings about your parents that you need to work through, though.

But now, because of that, you're thinking of divorcing your husband who you apparently love, so that you don't have to check in with him and let him know what you're doing? And that's apparently exhausting? Something else is definitely going on here.

If you're not in love with him anymore then by all means divorce, but life isn't going to be easier being single, it'll just be difficult in different ways. Maybe you'll prefer that, but I think you need to be honest with yourself over why you want to leave him.

None of us exist in a vacuum, we all have to consider how our actions impact other people. You seem to have a fantasy about how other people/families live their lives, which is quite unrealistic. Pp suggested counselling to try to work your way through this. I second the idea.

People should not stay in marriages just to avoid hurting their spouse

I am not clear that divorce is the right answer for OP - but she doesn’t have to stay in the marriage just to keep her husband happy.

For far to long women have been setting themselves on fire to keep other people warm.

OP should take some time to explore what she really wants. Her parents have done a number on her and it will take some time for her to stop hearing their voices and hear her own.

I understand it wasn’t your intention and it sounds like I have misread your original question as coming with a sarcastic, condemning tone. So I apologise for that.

I just think that you cannot decide to stay with someone to save their feelings. And unfortunately there is a terribly rich history of women doing what’s not right for them for the sake of others’ feelings and being told they are being selfish if they contemplate otherwise…. I obviously misread your comment to be aligned with that…..

In the case of children, I think both parents should be sacrificing their preferences. In the case of grown men, we shouldn’t be, It sounds like this OP already struggles to centre herself and her needs. And deciding not to divorce because her lovely DH will be unhappy isn’t to me the right answer, so in that sense should not be considered in the question of whether to divorce. That worry is more likely to stop her getting to an answer that is true for her. She needs to decide not to divorce because it’s what will make her happy. Or become absolutely sure that divorce is truly what she needs. If the latter, then considering her DH’s feelings come into the HOW to separate. But when she is 30 with two thirds of her life ahead of her, she can’t decide to stay with someone so they won’t be upset. It’s also not fair on the DH, because he’s stuck with someone who is half out the door emotionally, rather than having the chance to find someone who is fully in.

I realise this comes from a rather modern belief that marriage vows- while they should be taken very seriously and be meant absolutely sincerely at the time, are breakable for the sake of meeting needs, not just escaping abuse. I didn’t believe that - and would have lived through my first marriage to my grave, without even asking myself how happy it made me or what the alternatives are. But then after twenty one years, my husband left me for a twenty three year old! I am now more sanguine. I remain in a relationship because it helps to make my one life on earth happy and satisfying. If it doesn’t, then I don’t owe it to another fully functioning adult to sacrifice what my life could be. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t spend years trying to fix something, address problems, or be super sure leaving was the right thing. I don’t take it lightly. And most of the time this attitude helps make the relationship better- because you aren’t settling- you are instead bringing your fully honest self with your needs (and welcoming the same from the other). What I won’t do is stay in a relationship because leaving would upset the other person. And I wouldn’t ever want someone to do that to me either.

I’m sure however I read the wrong tone into your question and it triggered me a bit- so apologies again about that. And none of this changes my advice to the OP either- that I doubt very much in this case divorce will make her happy!

But this is all you. I do understand. My parents were the same. I spent my 20s either living at home or going back home every weekend. That was my choice that I made into a habit that them made me feel obligated. One thing I say to my now teenage DS is not to make a habit of calling me or coming to see me every weekend once hes at University because it does become an obligation and something you feel you have to do, but that is self imposed. My White British DH does it too and calls his DM every Sunday. It is a bit of an obligation. Hes 53. I left home when I was 18. My mother had the same reaction. Went nuts. I did it anyway, but it didnt work out and I came home. To her credit she didnt say ' I told you so'. I went backpacking and travelled a lot. My parents were worried but I did it anyway. Thats what parents do, but the not doing it anyway is down to you, not them, so you need to address your own issues instead of blaming others. If you divorce, will you be able to run off and do all the things you want to do or will you find another excuse as to why you can't do it? As the saying goes, 'however far away you go, there you are.'

But her parents, by wanting to keep her safe were doing what many parents do.
OP could gave gone backpacking assuming she had the money to do so, or move into a flat. She didnt have the courage to say “no more” to her parents.
She also chose to get engaged, she could have said no, or “I’m not ready, I’m going to work in New York for a year”…

Something else is going on here, feeling suffocated, by her own choices, actions or inactions doesn’t make sense

I see this viewpoint in some women in traditional asian marriages. Marriage gives them the freedom they crave. If they are lucky the husband supports it, if not, they replace one prison for another. Divorce or widowhood is the next thing that gives them freedom. Divorce because you might be seen as less desirable and you can use that to your advantage. Widowhood means that other men might want to save you from the horrors of being an unattached woman. Not realising that many women dont want to be attached to another man who will hold them back

I do understand how you feel. I married very young - completely through choice as I had fallen madly in love - but still very young. When I had been married a few years I hit a point where I struggled with the marriage and the boundaries it put on me. (Nothing major - Dh is lovely but if I suddenly decided I wanted to stay at a friends at night I did have to send a text about it! 😂)

In my case the solution was found by my job moving 150 miles north. I didn’t have to move with the job but Dh and I agreed that it was a place we wanted to raise a family and so made sense. So I moved with the job and Dh stayed in order to sell our house and try and get a job in our new city. We visited each other pretty much every weekend and phoned each other pretty much every night.

But I was free! And sodding miserable! I missed him all the time. And actually even the freedom was a bit crap. I was free to deal with it on my own when the boiler broke in my rented flat. So now I was cold and missed him. 😂 Don’t get me wrong - I did enjoy having “my own place” and I still have fond memories of that flat but after a year I was so happy when he got a job and moved up here.

That was 20 years ago and we are now pretty happy with two teenage kids. Once I had kids I realised how untied down I actually was when I just had a husband. 😂

But I do think that that year did save us marriage wise. My itchy feet became very unitchy indeed.

My suspicion is than if you leave your husband then you will first enjoy the freedom but then regret it and miss him. Is there any way that you can find a way of getting some freedom without blowing up a happy marriage?

I don’t think you should leave a marriage with a man you love, who is “wonderful in every way”, and who helped you to grow into yourself. Especially if you would like children at some point, I think the freedom would start to feel old quite quickly, and however hard you try you can’t relive those missed years.

Can you put your finger on what it is you actually want to do. If you want to travel alone then do so. Can you agree to take a three month (or longer) “sabbatical” to backpack alone, not have any requirements or obligations. Then see what you really want from your life going forwards and not trying to make up for the past.

I don’t want to be harsh but it seems pretty clear you don’t love your husband and he just enabled your escape.

so yes you should divorce him so he can move on with his life

and it is probably worth getting some therapy to get some balance. Some of the things you were expected to do when living at home (letting them know you would be in v late for example) were not unreasonable. But obviously the backpacking/having to live at home were unreasonable

I also find your framing as having gone from daughter to wife very odd as I have never felt ‘wife’ was my primary identity so perhaps therapy could help you address that?

I had a MUCH stricter childhood growing up. My Indian stepfather was the total ruler of our family a d we all lived in India. Im white, my siblings mixed race.
If I so much as looked at a man I was in for a beating. I was walked to school and back, and was allowed to study nothing else. No parties, no friends, no drinking, nothing.
I left home st 18 and went back to the UK as they were emigrating to another country.
I went wild. I was totally innocent and got taken advantage of by horrible men, got into trouble, got sacked from jobs and ended up an alcoholic. Im sober now. Freedom was not freedom, it was my downfall.
I've never managed to find a lovely husband or have the happy family life I wanted.
I think you would be crazy leaving a wonderful husband and a chance of lasting happiness for a bit of hedonistic freedom.
The world is full of sharks who don't care about you at all.

A few thoughts:

I had a very similar upbringing and struggled to become independent and assert my own identity. However my parents suddenly confounded this by moving hundreds of miles away and by one of them dying in my mid twenties. It’s like everything, you really miss it when it’s gone.

I think you underestimate quite what a diamond you have in your husband. If you set him down he will likely be snapped up in a minute by one of the many thirty-something women who would like to marry and have children. Not to mention that there are many gorgeous and highly educated British Asian women who have a successful career and are therefore looking for a more progressive husband who will also tick the boxes for their family. Your husband would be highly desirable…

‘Losing’ your phone or buying a second phone solely to communicate with your parents would solve a lot of your problems.

Or just delete WhatsApp or at the very least turn off your notifications. Nothing is obligatory.

I don’t want to be harsh but it seems pretty clear you don’t love your husband and he just enabled your escape.
so yes you should divorce him so he can move on with his life
I think @Bruisername has hit the nail on the head. However, 'freedom' from him and OP's parents will, not, I don't think make OP happy because the prison is of her own making.

I think you may regret letting a good man go. They get harder to come by the older you get. The grass is rarely greener when you have a good life.

Why don’t you set healthier boundaries with them whilst being married? You could also do something like move abroad to teach English for 6 months, to experience independence - with the support of your husband.

I agree with a previous poster who said you don’t really know what real strict Asian parents are like.
your father married a white Catholic woman-that in itself shows he can’t have been that strict-you would have been allowed to date and marry outside of your faith/race too surely. Your mother was strict Irish catholic but again she married a Sikh Indian man so I’m unsure of their relationship dynamics and why they would expect so differently for you?
you were allowed to go out, university, date, holidays etc you just had to check in. Yes perhaps you were restricted somewhat and that’s a shame but at the end of the day you have a great relationship with a great man. You are able to do whatever you want and he sounds like he’s lovely.
If you don’t want to be married don’t be but don’t blame ‘strict’ parents.
I find the whole ‘who am I really on my own. As a person’ a bit self indulgent. You’re 31 you’ve had a whole life. You are the person you are and your life is what you make of it.

Is this going to eat away at you, or is it something that will pass? Worth seeing a therapist I think to help work it out. It may be that, lovely though your husband is, he is no longer right for you as you've grown and changed. You don't have children so you both have the chance to start afresh - it will be sad for him but better to part now than further down the line.

I think mumsnet, understandably, has a focus on having children, but there are many different ways of having a fulfilling life.

Sorry but that's just not going to happen. You are where you are now, any 'freedom' will be shaped by this.

You're annoyed at yourself, at being a wet blanket or missing out on potential experiences but it's all so immature and vague. The solution you've identified doesn't remotely match the problem, it's just you blaming someone else again.

You're parents sound a bit protective, but you don't seem to have tried to prove them wrong. They dont sound extreme, you were living with them for years, so you're bound to have some examples of less than perfect interactions, they just sound human with a child that didn't really launch (blame for which went both ways).

Own your own decisions and learn from them, don't just let life happen and start thinking longer term about the life you want. Pinpoint some specific things you feel you missed out on. Consider reading actual books instead of the internet and it will stop you thinking there's one normal way to be but each, different human experience has its own value.

I'm just not sure the people who have no-one who cares if they are dead in a ditch are happier. I think they're very sad that no-one checks that they're OK. These are the people who go to supermarkets to make sure they've had a conversation in a day - because humans need social contact and exist in relation to others.

To not have anyone to consider, it means you have to have no-one who cares about you. That's not generally considered a happy existence.

I think you're overcorrecting. You're still just reacting to what your parents did, your decision is based on their actions so they're still impacting what you do. It's still just all about them.

You can't fix what's happened in the past by running away. The real way to heal from what's happened is to face up to it, work out what you want your relationships to be like and just tell that to people - if they don't like it, they'll drop away.

You're not dealing with it - you're just stepping back, there's no personal growth in that - you're not going to be a different person on your own, you'll still be the same person you are now but with no-one else standing next to you.

It is hard and tiring to have boundaries with people. Running away isn't the answer though. Being brave enough to say who you are and what you want is. Just do it - what's the worst that's going to happen? They'll leave ?

I think you're conditioned to do what other people want you to do, be nice and not make a fuss, and it feels too hard to say what you really want and follow through on it. That's why you find it so exhausting to have relationships. It's easier just to avoid having to do this by getting divorced.

I’ve read all your posts, @Preyar . Honestly, I’m not sure being single is the answer you’re looking for. I think you could do the work you need to while staying married: emotional safety is huge when working through big issues like this. It may be that once you have done some work you still want to be alone, but at least then you’ll be more sure of yourself and who you are.

FWIW living alone is wonderful IME, but I appreciate my loving and supportive husband so much, I wouldn’t risk him. There are not that many good men out there, unfortunately.

Would you rather be single forever than stay married to your husband? If yes than absolutely get a divorce and enjoy single life, it's great. But if you're assuming in 5 years or so you'll find another man just like your husband you're very likely to be disappointed.

My husband is wonderful. He has allowed me to be who I truly am. He has allowed me so much freedom in our marriage.

So talk to him. Tell him how you feel about your past annd about what you want for your future. Then ask him what he wants in life and truly listen to his answers. Then talk together about your fears and hopes.

@Preyar- as a Punjabi JSF, I had to go through therapy due to my dysfunctional upbringing and pressured conformity.

Be kind to yourself.
Be the best version of yourself possible.
Make decisions and flex accordingly.
Enjoy life, it is not a dress rehearsal.
Trust yourself and listen to your inner voice.
You can and will do this.