My marriage healed me - I think I should divorce

[Preyar]

I’m really torn on whether I should post this or not. As it sits very much outside of what is conventional in the UK.

Im half Indian. My dad’s parents came to the UK from Punjab in the 50s. I grew up in a very typical British home. But with somewhat strict Sikh parents. I was allowed to date but I had to get permission. I was allowed to go to parties and drink but I had to get picked up by my dad. My parents were extremely overbearing. It wasn’t as oppressive as some other South Asian Brits experience. But it was insidious. I had to be a “good girl”.

I moved away for uni and met my now husband. He comes from a very similar background so we can connect in many ways. We dated for 8 years. I was only “allowed” to move in when we were engaged. Despite being highly educated and a professional. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell them to stuff it!

My husband is wonderful. He has allowed me to be who I truly am. He has allowed me so much freedom in our marriage. It’s been so healing. It’s just that I’ve come to feel now that I should have made these changes 7/8 years ago. I should have moved out and experienced the world. I went out. Partied. Don’t get me wrong but I always had to worry about upsetting my parents. I had to walk a very narrow path.

As a married woman I’ve very much enjoyed not having to worry about this. My husband helped me become the version of myself I always should have been.

I know my parents just wanted what they thought best for me. My mum is Irish Catholic. She always had very specific views about men using my body just for sex. She’s almost a misandrist tbh

I just think that I want to experience this new found freedom as an individual. Not as one half of a whole. I have a very happy marriage. My husband has given me a wonderful life. But I can’t help but feel like I need to make up for some chapters I skipped. I want to go on holiday on my own and not feel compelled to text my parents to reassure them I am alive. I want some space. I should have reached this place on my own and not via marriage.

Very confused. I know my experiences will be alien to many on here.

This, really.

You can still solo travel and have freedom with a loving husband at home.

You can still do things on your own, go on holiday on your own, go stay in a hotel on your own. You don't have to jump to divorce.

OP, I understand but you are at risk of self destructing due to a part of you that craves to experience absolute freedom. I would say, however, that you are fighting barriers that are still self imposed, not from your husband.

first, how much have you asserted your barriers with your parents already? Are you still a good girl, pacifying, visiting them when they want? Telling them the version of your life they want to hear? Or do you say no to them as often as you want? Show them your true self? Only talk to and visit them as often as you want? And what about with your husband. do you go out without him, without aligning it all with him? Do you pursue all the hobbies you want to and go on holiday alone already? And have you done the therapy you need to free yourself from the past? You can do all these things NOW, in any non abusive, typical British family. If you aren’t, no wonder you are frustrated and want to break out radically… that drip drip self erasure is intolerable long term.

I am guessing you are not even using the freedom you could have in your daily life already! I am guessing you don’t feel you have the INNER strength to break those barriers to be more free within marriage…you are still actually a pleaser, just with someone who isn’t forcing you to be. when you say your main identity is wife now…. When you don’t have kids, it’s not clear what goes into that identity. Are you actually doing a ton of unnecessary wife stuff? Like his laundry? Cooking for him? You can dump all that, assuming you are contributing financially, without divorce. Just redefine the role. There really is no non-negotiable ‘duty’ part of being a wife in a kid-free marriage.

But instead of having the courage to simply live as independently as you can already, you feel that by somehow self destructing, and maybe doing something so condemnable as getting divorced, you will force your parents to give up on their good girl image etc…. When it is actually you who still hasn’t given up on it. . you are basically wanting to press the nuclear button because you don’t think you will have the courage to be free otherwise. Nothing you have suggested suggests your husband wouldn’t be supportive of you becoming more self/freedom orientated. If he does start pushing back against harmless freedoms (eg you going on holiday alone), then maybe he is not as wonderful as you think. But I suspect your barriers are not him, but yourself and your continuing deference to your parents.

Instead, start working on yourself so you are not pleasing everyone anymore. once you have taken every ounce of freedom you COULD have within a typical, good marriage and life, you STILL don’t have enough freedom, then I’d sit down with your husband and talk through more radical solutions. What aspect of your life do you want to experience more freedom? It might be simply “I want to be a bit dumb, go out to parties, get drunk and have you the designated driver…. Or is it about sex- do you want to make the marriage open? Do you truly want to try to be free? In which case agree a years separation, to go off, live somewhere else, with no commitment to be in touch… with the full understanding that one or both of you might never want to come back? Do whatever it is you need to, before you have children, because once you have kids you don’t have the luxury to act selfishly. Many still do- especially men, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

You can go on holiday on your own. If you did you certainly wouldn’t be obliged to text your parents. Although I don’t think there is anything wrong with letting people who care about you know you are safe. Once.

You can do almost anything you feel you have missed out on when you were younger. What you can’t do is experience them in the way you would have at that time. That young woman has gone.

And then, when you have got through the list of things you want to do as a single woman you are very likely to reach the stage most people arrive at and want to find a partner, a husband. And that is a very hard thing to do. To find one as good as your DH seems to be is harder still. Read through the posts about dating and relationships. It’s tough.

Does it have to be all or nothing?

It seems harsh that the man you are married to and say has "healed" you and given you everything you needed to grow now needs to effectively be dumped so you can move on.
Would he understand or would he be devastated?

I do get what you are saying but it also does sound a bit immature and I am not sure if you really understand the impact splitting would have on him and on you too.

I think maybe speaking to a third party perhaps via some counselling would be helpful so that you can truly understand what you feel & want and then speaking to your husband about it is best.
Trying to make changes in your marriage should be the first step before deciding to throw it all away. You never know, a few changes to help you continue to explore new experiences might be all you need.

Are your lovely dh’s feelings featuring in those divorce scenarios?

Definitely get some therapy before making any big decisions. You need to forgive your younger self, she wasn't a coward she was doing the best she could at the time. Look at the life she built for you. It may also help you to try and understand and forgive your parents a bit, they brought their own baggage as we all do.

It sounds like you've got a really strong marriage, it's a wonderful base to build from.

It's interesting that you've gone online to almost ask permission from strangers for the thoughts you're having!

The answers you're getting are almost all hinting at suggesting you should stay with your husband and be able to do these things you want.

I think the reason for that is, for people who haven't grown up with these restrictions and have already had those life experiences you want, we've often spent a lot of time looking for the thing you already have - someone to share that life of freedom with.

Largely (not completely), the teenage stage is where you feel your parents are controlling for most of us. So you go off into the world with this determination to experience life on your own, make your own choices etc. It's a fun phase, but ultimately it is time limited. To still be doing it at 40 wouldn't be fun.

What (largely) comes next is people around you start to couple off, build lives together. You start to feel a bit lonely as your previous mates are off on a new track.

What a lot of people want is to have a marriage where they can completely be themselves and be accepted for that by another person, and share their life with that person.

So that's why people are saying don't leave your marriage to do what you want. They're basically thinking the grass isn't greener because they've already experienced what you want and what comes after.

I don't really have an opinion on whether you should leave or stay.

But I do think that having children is the ultimate - you can no longer make your own choices and have all your freedom without considering other people. So I'd think carefully before doing that.

If you are unhappy in your marriage and believe you be happier single then by all means divorce.

But, as someone who had controlling parents, take a bit of time to consider what you are rebelling against. It sounds like you are divorcing your husband to get freedom from your parents.

What is it you want from this freedom? Do you want to date other men? Do you want to live a completely single life. Do you want to show your parents you can make decisions they will disapprove of? Do you want a solo holiday?

all of this is fine a - it’s your life and you deserve to live it in the way that you want. But I think you need some time to be sure divorce is want you really want.

all the best of luck - breaking away from controlling parents is very hard. I was conditioned for years to seek their approval.

Oh don’t do that. You are basically saying a woman should stay in a relationship she doesn’t want in order to make a man happy. For the next 50-60 years?? How would that make either of them happy. He would deserve more, apart from anything else.

the OP needs to understand what she truly wants. As many have said, I highly expect it’s inner liberation, not actual divorce. If however, OP, everything you have said about background, culture, parents, identity are a smoke screen…. And actually you have simply realised you married a man who is sweet but very dull- who was right for the last decade, but isn’t right for the next…. Then you are allowed to leave for that reason. But just be honest that you’ve now grown apart.

I don't think that's what this poster is saying but I do think considering the DH's feelings is important.
Hurting someone you love is very hard and going through a divorce is hard on both people, even the person instigating it.

The OP needs to be certain she is doing the right thing & can cope with the upset she is going to unleash before she does anything & part of that is considering the impact on the man who has helped her & given her so much.

Do something solo or in a friend group instead of throwing what you know is a good marriage down the drain.

The number of distraught women here whose husbands have suddenly fucked off to find themselves or to screw around or experiment ...

Go on a solo hike. Do a sabbatical. Take a long residential course. Take an Antarctic cruise. Join an amateur dramatic group.

What I'm saying is instead of lashing out at your parents by devastating your good man, learn to be who you are without drastic steps.

You need some therapy to help you come to terms with your past so you can create your present and a happy future.

It seems to me that the time you missed was a bit of living with flatmates in your early twenties and having fun. The thing that makes that fun though is being young (your brain isn’t fully developed till 25 ish) and all being at the same stage together. I had a blast in this time - but we all knew it was just a stage and we were all looking to find someone to settle down with, but having fun while we did it. There is no way of travelling back in time to recreate this!! The finding someone is the hard bit and you’ve done that! Not everyone does (good man are rather rare) you may have missed some of the excitement of the finding a partner but you’ve got what most women want. Do you think he will make a good dad? How does it make you feel if you picture him having kids with someone else?
Do you have any hobbies that you do on your own? You can definitely still travel alone. I think you would be insane to chuck a good man for dreams of lost youth that are impossible to get back.
Just start doing stuff independently “dh I’ve joined a book group so I’ll be out on Thursday evening.”

Do you have a fulfilling job?

My advice: go to therapy and work through these thoughts and feelings.

Also look into joining a social group so you get out and meet new people/try new things.

@financialcareerstuffIm really not saying that. The context is op loves her dh and he has ‘healed’ her. Marriage is a commitment- it is only fair, you consider the consequences for your loving partner.

There is nothing at all which stops you from setting healthier boundaries with your family right now. Divorce has nothing to do with this. It’s like someone saying “I’ll start my diet at the end of the month”. A totally artificial milestone.

why don’t you spend some time NOW creating the relationship with your family that works best for you. Take the time to do this - it’s not necessarily a quick fix, for everyone to get used to the new normal. THEN at that point have a really good look at your life.

Would your husband be happy for you to go out on your own a bit more etc...being more hedonistic? Is your subtext to have more diverse sexual experiences, with others? What would happen if you discussed it with him?

I dont understand why its one or the other? Can't you holiday solo, heck even live apart for a while without divorcing? Unless its to do with dating etc if course

I agree with those who say to explore this in therapy before doing anything.

I have to question whether you love your husband if you're thinking about ditching a lovely, supportive, good man over...a need to go on solo holidays, and not text your parents? You can do both of those (very minor) things now, without divorcing. It's very odd.

As for 'making up' for what you missed out on – that will never happen, and you need to accept that. You are not an early twenties young woman anymore, and you can't go back and recapture that era. Besides, being a party girl comes with its own pitfalls and negatives. And it sounds as though your parents weren't even that strict anyway.

It seems as if something else is going on here, such as a midlife crisis or mental health issues, as otherwise it's such a non-issue to consider breaking up a happy marriage over.

It sounds a bit like you are processing the trauma of your strict upbringing by directing those feelings towards the 'emotionally safest' place that those feelings can land- your husband. It doesn't mean your feelings aren't real, but they might just be surfacing somewhere where it feels safest to explore at them.

I get why you say you imagine having healthier boundaries if your were to divorce, but you can start strengthening those boundaries now. In fact, it'll probably be much easier with a supportive partner beside you, rather than starting again without that emotional safety net.

But he can only help with that if he knows what’s going on. I know it will be hard, but it would be good if you could find the way to discuss it with your husband, and explain that your upbringing is bringing up some difficult feelings, and you don’t want to take them out on him, but that you’re aware there’s a risk that you might. As a PP posted, he’d probably much rather you went backpacking around Thailand for a fortnight than get a divorce- a loving partner would usually rather have the difficult conversations than lose a good marriage without understanding what’s really happening.
It also sounds like he’s not the kind of man who would try to stop you from doing what you want, so some of the burden you’re carrying may come from your own idea of what a wife “should” be, rather than anything he expects. That idea won’t automatically disappear if you divorce. Like other posters have mentioned, that's probably something to unpack with a therapist rather than a lawyer, or this will just play out for you again at some point in the future.

I say this from the other side of the fence, I am my husband's second wife- he is a deeply caring, emotionally intelligent, and safe man. His first marriage became the place where his first wife's unresolved trauma played out, simply because he was strong enough to absorb it. I know how lucky I am to have him now, and its made be very aware of how incredibly rare that kind of safety is.

I’ve also been on plenty of girls holidays and nights out. But the thing is I was always having to check in with my parents. Even as a 26/27 yo. If I wasn’t coming home I would have to explain myself and made sure they knew I was safe. I think I am done owing people an explanation for my actions. Why I actually bothered I have no idea. Always having to consider them was ridiculous. I see that only now.

I love my husband and he’s not overbearing but I still have to involve him in my decision making. That’s not been a problem as my husband trusts me and is very secure. I have been on last minute weekend breaks and he is genuinely happy for me. But I would love to just exist. And not involve others in my day to day. It’s exhausting 😢

Who even am I on my own?

But I did it for all my 20s. Lived at home until I was engaged. That’s not normal. And it’s not healthy. I was on gardening leave once and had ideas of backpacking. My parents categorically refused me to go. Why I didn’t just pack up blows my mind. They literally had a weird hyperfixation on the possibility I would be “raped and left dead in a ditch”. They said this to me time and time again. It’s a great way to control someone

No advice but I feel so so sorry for your husband in all this soul searching you are doing, with seemingly very little regard for him.

Then why would you want to hurt him? Would he object if you wanted to go on holiday with a group of girlfriends? You don't have to go on a 18-30s type holiday to enjoy yourself. Or is it that you want to widen your sexual horizons? Be careful - the grass is rarely greener and you are most likely to regret ending what sounds like a good marriage.