Ultimatum to my husband over his mother

[plhelm]

I am 39F and have been with my DH for nearly 20 years. We come from an Indian background. When we first got married, I made what I now realise was a bad decision to live with my in laws.

Since then, my MIL has consistently put me down. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I am constantly compared unfavourably to her daughters. Over the years she has repeatedly involved herself in my marriage and driven a wedge between my husband and me. I know this is not solely her fault, because my husband has allowed it and failed to protect our relationship.

I have reached a point where I simply cannot live like this anymore. I have told my husband it is either her or me. If we stay together, we no longer live with her. I feel awful even writing that, but I am emotionally exhausted and at breaking point.

My questions are practical as well as emotional. How long do I realistically give him to respond? If he chooses her, I am terrified. All our finances are intertwined and I would not even know where to begin with finding somewhere to live. We have three children, who have to be my priority.

What scares me most is that I will lose my nerve, withdraw the ultimatum, and resign myself to living like this for the rest of my life.

To complicate things further, we are currently in the middle of a house move involving both us and his parents, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.

I feel completely stuck and do not know what the right next step is. Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

Hey OP. I hear you loud and clear and completely understand all you've said and agree it's all completely a reasonable way of thinking.

Theres no point thinking about wrong decisions etc. You weren't to know.

In my experience ultimatums don't work. It might be simpler to say "I would like to have a home of our own, I've thought about this and considered it for a long time and I really want for you to come and make this move with me and be excited about it, it'll be great to have our own space'.

Emphasise to him that you'll still see and support his mum/parents but that you feel the time is right to strike out together on your own terms. It really is a good time since they are moving so a fresh start for everyone.

Mothers overstep sometimes (albeit this sounds like a gross infringement on your mental health and relationship), but if you manage to get out and get a place of your own I'd keep it sweet as you can with her.

Thank you @Smilessmy MIL has a not easy going person and I reckon there’s going to be a lot of drama but I’m just over it. If he doesn’t want to leave his mum, then I’m at the stage where I’m ok with that

I'm sorry OP, I've been the 'never good enough' relative (not with a MIL) but I know how it feels that no matter what you do, you'll be hated for it. It's no way to live, your home deserves to be your soft, peaceful place to land.

Can you start preparing for the worst? By that I mean, see a solicitor, talk through your options, get paperwork in terms of finances, pensions - and especially where you stand with the new property if you were to separate, and whether you could stay in the home if you are the primary caregiver to the children.

In my experience, ultimatums don't work, but it might be worth 'pencilling' in a date in your mind, and if nothing has changed by that point, you'll act. This isn't just for you - your children need to see that you are worthy of love and respect.

As terrifying as it may sound, you can't go on like this - I bet your nervous system is constantly in fight/flight.

It might be helpful to mentally map what it would be like being in a peaceful home without criticism - you can breeze in, change into comfortable clothes and lounge on the sofa with your kids watching your favourite TV, eating your favourite foods without barbed comments or name-calling.

To complicate things further, we are currently in the middle of a house move involving both us and his parents, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming

This is good timing IMO.
You are selling now is the time to buy 2 properties.

Either one for you & the kids and another for him and his parents
Or
A house for your family and somewhere for his parents.

Do NOT agree to buy a large multi gen family home and dont agree to/ sign any mortgage. The stamp duty will be dead money when you divorce and the house needs selling (tell your dh that clearly too)

@plhelm I have no practical advice but I just want to offer my support. You sound like a brave woman. I think if you act now, you won't regret it. Good luck.

Unfortunately we have bought a new house and are in between contract and exchange. It’s the worse timing I know. She’s at the new house right now deciding how she wants it doing.

It sounds like your MIL has overstepped her boundaries, either intentionally or unintentionally. It's no wonder you are feeling like this. I wonder would time slots work. Making time for when it's just you, DH and the kids and then time for the PIL. I would imagine being around them all the time would be suffocating. Could you reclaim a bit of space I wonder. Tell them when you are spending time with the kids etc and that you would love to see them for dinner at 6 for example. Or tell them you need the kitchen/living areas on certain days or evenings for some reason. If your husband keeps siding with his mom, it sounds like he's enjoying being mommied and that he is living in a parental type living arrangement. He's probably being spoiled from all directions! At the very least, I would put boundaries on kitchen/living space time

You need legal advice asap.
Do not sign any contracts until you get advice.

So take your time and make your plan under the assumption that your husband won’t respond and you will have to leave:

do you work?
how old are the children?
do you know what your husband earns?
what money is in different accounts?
do you have birth certificates etc ?

see a solicitor

if that has happened and he hasn’t come up with a plan to leave his mother you are ready to go

Do you mean you are between exchange and completion, or you have not yet exchanged? Pull out immediately.

This is good timing.

Oh honey, it is time!!

You really need to look after YOUR mh/self esteem. She is not gonna change.
Life is short, you will look back in another 20yrs full of regrets and what ifs.
Start getting things in order, make a plan.(sorry cannot bring myself to talk about the bloody ducks)
Good luck hun, you can do it xx

Yes, this.

Have you actually exchanged signed contracts? Because if you haven't this is actually the best moment you ever have.

If youve exchanged then its more tricky.

Which is it?

I’ve signed contracts, it’s just a mess. Thank you for all your responses. I need to start making a plan. I’m working, kids are at school. I know I can do it, just worried about the drama this will follow, and staying in the house with them until it’s all sorted

Keep telling them to behave nicely in front of the children

If I lived with my ILs there would be dead bodies, either mine or more likely theirs! Now is exactly the right time to do it if you’re all moving, they split the assets and you buy your own place either with or without your husband. Fuck them ans their nastiness towards you, you deserve a life, not a life of put downs and second rate feelings

Oh well, it is what it is.

Can you flip the ultimatum a bit and say youve decided to move out with kids and you'd love him to come but that you cannot stay living with his mum anymore at all? Sell it as kids and you need more space?

Can you buy a place close by so that he can still be with his mum a lot, but shes not in your space all the time?

But have you exchanged?

As there are cultural issues involved you would be wise to talk to other Indian wives who have similar experiences to yours. You need to live separately from your in laws but probably better to keep it amicable, if possible.

Op your relationship is already over because from both sides you have reached breaking point and from his side my rule is if anyone ever tells me I have to choose, I won’t be choosing them. I’m so sorry this is where you are and hope you have an easier life

Your h is a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother like so many and he would rather see you his wife upset than she. This is because he’s been led to believe the sky will fall in on him if his mother is upset. Abuse cuts across all classes and creeds snd she is abusive towards you.

An ultimatum can only be issued once and unless you are prepared to follow through on it do not issue one.
I would seek legal advice re divorce and separation when you are able to do so.

I think she means she has exchanged and waiting for completion. Or it could be that she has signed the mortgage documents.

You have put up with this for two decades whilst your husband stands idly by?

2 decades???

What a waste of your life

Signing contracts means they've exchanged.

Do you know how it is to feel free to make your own choices in your home without criticism ??? That’s a normal life ! You have to make it happen by taking control and holding firm . Yes you will face histrionics as will others who play up to her ‘ victim’ playing . Teach your children to grasp a better life, so they learn too from you that you get respect and choice in life . You will wobble for sure but find those that resteady you , that can also be Mumsnet :) . You deserve more but won’t get it in that family as she holds all the reigns ! TAKE the reigns

Op do you have family close by,
Make plans first before telling them then at least you half out the door,
Get everything set up so you can walk away,
Good luck op 💐