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Original poster

Ultimatum to my husband over his mother

84 replies

plhelm · 27/12/2025 11:42

I am 39F and have been with my DH for nearly 20 years. We come from an Indian background. When we first got married, I made what I now realise was a bad decision to live with my in laws.

Since then, my MIL has consistently put me down. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I am constantly compared unfavourably to her daughters. Over the years she has repeatedly involved herself in my marriage and driven a wedge between my husband and me. I know this is not solely her fault, because my husband has allowed it and failed to protect our relationship.

I have reached a point where I simply cannot live like this anymore. I have told my husband it is either her or me. If we stay together, we no longer live with her. I feel awful even writing that, but I am emotionally exhausted and at breaking point.

My questions are practical as well as emotional. How long do I realistically give him to respond? If he chooses her, I am terrified. All our finances are intertwined and I would not even know where to begin with finding somewhere to live. We have three children, who have to be my priority.

What scares me most is that I will lose my nerve, withdraw the ultimatum, and resign myself to living like this for the rest of my life.

To complicate things further, we are currently in the middle of a house move involving both us and his parents, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.

I feel completely stuck and do not know what the right next step is. Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
plhelm · 28/12/2025 14:54

SlenderRations · 28/12/2025 14:25

Am baffled why you would have gone ahead with a joint house purchase if this how you feel when I would have been such an ideal time to make a change. If you as a couple have sunk your financial resources into this joint house, you have committed to the most destructive route to breaking up the household

A lot has come out since the house purchase but I know I’m an idiot. I should have left a long time ago but was stupid and naive and had poor mental health. I think the last straw was her calling my mum on Christmas complaining about how I don’t do anything around the house and that I shouldn’t have gone to see my parents on Christmas Day during a house move. Her own daughters would not have done that etc etc. I should have added that my sibling passed away this summer so I’ve not been in the best place mentally. I’ve just ruined everything signing the stupid contracts

OP posts:
Original poster
plhelm · 28/12/2025 14:56

DancingNotDrowning · 28/12/2025 14:16

Now that OP has confirmed that contracts have been exchanged there is very little that can be done (without accruing significant costs) to prevent the property sale/purchase. She has little option but to allow it to proceed.

OP in addition to getting together as much information as you can regarding your financial position the best thing to do now would be to think really clearly about what you want.

do you want to live with your DH away from your MIL or would you prefer to separate?

are there any circumstances in which you’d be prepared to live multi generationally?

It’s difficult to tell from your posts whether your DH is just a bit useless and hasn’t seen the detriment his mother has caused you or whether he’s abusive himself but assuming the former ask him to clarify what he intends to use the next two months for? Is he actively seeking out another property for the two of you and your DC? Or is he going to negotiate with his parents? Or do nothing at all?

he said give him 2 months. I need to find out today what exactly his plan is. He’s not physically abusive he can be emotionally abusive and withdraws to his mum a lot. Makes me feel like a spare part

OP posts:
LetItGoHome · 28/12/2025 16:04

plhelm · 28/12/2025 13:43

We had a talk last night. He did admit a few things and could see how his mum has been causing us problems. He’s asked for 2 months to sort it out. Didn’t get into the details of how he’s going to sort it out, but if he doesn’t then I’m gone and he knows this

Does he understand and accept you don't want to live with his mother any more? It doesn't sound like he does. He needs to give you more details as his interpretation of sorting out may well be very different from yours. Then that's 2 months wasted. He is just trying to pacify you in the hope it will all blow over.
He needs to start behaving like you are both equals in the relationship which means being honest and open with you. Starting now.

itsthetea · 28/12/2025 18:44

Give him time - you can sort your ducks at the same time because people often hope that trouble will blow over given time

LostittoBostik · 28/12/2025 18:56

How did your own parents react to this phone call @plhelm? Especially during a year when they have lost a child? I hope they gave your MIL an absolutely arse whipping.

mumof5five · 28/12/2025 19:00

She wont live forever.

GreyCloudsLooming · 28/12/2025 19:03

mumof5five · 28/12/2025 19:00

She wont live forever.

So, she lives until her 90s and the OP will have maybe retired and wasted her whole life in torment and in limbo?

Testingthetimes · 28/12/2025 19:09

Please stop beating yourself up.
you couldn’t have known when you would reach the end, the point where you have no more to give. You have always hoped you wouldn’t reach it and have coped for 18 years probably longer than I could have. But sadly, you have reached your limit. Of course it would have been handy to have done it before house stuff. But what is done is done. And you didnt
know you would reach this point to soon after.
Im so sorry you lost your sibling. Please choose yourself and give yourself a chance to be happy. You have given them enough

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 28/12/2025 19:27

Give him two months, eh?

he can do a lot of financial stuff in that time.

for a start, whose name is the house going to be in and does that reflect payment pattern? A friend of mine in a similar position was completely blind-aided n her attempted divorce - lovely big house, but apparently owned by his parents even though her and her husband’s money had been poured into it. Her wedding jewellery disappeared and various sisters in law swore it had never been hers, just lent to her even though much of it had come from her own family

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