Ultimatum to my husband over his mother

[plhelm]

I am 39F and have been with my DH for nearly 20 years. We come from an Indian background. When we first got married, I made what I now realise was a bad decision to live with my in laws.

Since then, my MIL has consistently put me down. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I am constantly compared unfavourably to her daughters. Over the years she has repeatedly involved herself in my marriage and driven a wedge between my husband and me. I know this is not solely her fault, because my husband has allowed it and failed to protect our relationship.

I have reached a point where I simply cannot live like this anymore. I have told my husband it is either her or me. If we stay together, we no longer live with her. I feel awful even writing that, but I am emotionally exhausted and at breaking point.

My questions are practical as well as emotional. How long do I realistically give him to respond? If he chooses her, I am terrified. All our finances are intertwined and I would not even know where to begin with finding somewhere to live. We have three children, who have to be my priority.

What scares me most is that I will lose my nerve, withdraw the ultimatum, and resign myself to living like this for the rest of my life.

To complicate things further, we are currently in the middle of a house move involving both us and his parents, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.

I feel completely stuck and do not know what the right next step is. Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

@dairydebris don't waste your time trying to reason with someone who either doesn’t know the difference between being before contract exchange v after contract exchange or cannot understand why it might be of huge relevance to the OP 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, I really dont see what you're not getting. Docusign or whatever back to my solictor as soon as I'm happy to proceed. Non dated. They hold it on file until other team sends theirs. Then they ring me to say, we are ready to exchange, do you still want to go ahead? I say yes, they send it to sellers solictors.

For the OP, if she has signed a contract but her solictor hasnt sent that contract to the other side for whatever reason- this might be greatly in her favor.

That’s ok

Is there any way you can divide the house in two? Or have it zoned in such a way that you can have separate family rooms for you and the kids to which no one has access except your immediate family?

If it was possible to put a stop to the house buying it would just rush OPs hand

better she takes the time - get her ducks lined up as people say- and then move

Pull out of the house sale.

See a lawyer and start the process to leave right now.

Sorry, yes we have exchanged and waiting to complete- so in complete limbo currently. My minds just all over the place! Thank you for everyone’s responses. I will speak to DH tonight and see what he wants, does he want to work it out or not. Either way I can’t live with his mum any longer

You are from a different culture, where family life is more intertwined. However, you need to do what’s right for you.

This is what I’m thinking and will discuss with dh tonight. Will just be weeks of silent treatment from her until it’s sorted if he agrees to it

Stop the house move

I wouldn’t even know how. I subs so pathetic. My MIL has basically taken over every aspect of my life

Indeed, but as noted the OP had explicitly stated she was between contract and exchange. Which despite the snark from the now deleted poster is actually a valid phase in the process.

As I said in my earliest post I suspected the OP did not mean that she had not exchanged, but for those who wanted to help the OP it was an extremely important clarification and worth seeking because if OP had been correct she would be in a very different position.

But I’m sure the OP will appreciate your totally unhelpful and superfluous “I told you so” which adds nothing to resolving her dilemma, but no doubt makes you feel very clever 👏🙄

OP don’t go ahead with this house move!! I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than live with my in laws! Give yourself a break and get out of this asap!

Complete the house purchase.
Change the locks.
Kick the DH and MIL out.

Beware, I am UK born from Punjabi Indian descent, my MIL is like the Terminator (1984) film:

“It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever… until you are dead.”

We had a talk last night. He did admit a few things and could see how his mum has been causing us problems. He’s asked for 2 months to sort it out. Didn’t get into the details of how he’s going to sort it out, but if he doesn’t then I’m gone and he knows this

OP, please talk to Women's aid.
It sounds like Coercive control to me that you feel so powerless.
Read up on Coercive control which is a crime.
Educate yourself.

He's asking for lomg enough to make sure the house purchase goes through
you will then not be necessary and he will let you leave but you'll never get your share of money from the house even if you divorce.
pull out of the house purchase - give him the 2 months still if you think it's worth it

Text him that you do not want the house to go through.
That you feel pressured by him and his family to sign the documentation and that you feel abused by him and his family, that you feel controlled by them and you want to leave.

Send him this text as it will be proof for the police that you are trying to leave.
Coercive control is a crime and you might get legal aid.

I think he is feeding you a line to get the house bought.

By texting now that you feel forced into it, it could help you later.

Now that OP has confirmed that contracts have been exchanged there is very little that can be done (without accruing significant costs) to prevent the property sale/purchase. She has little option but to allow it to proceed.

OP in addition to getting together as much information as you can regarding your financial position the best thing to do now would be to think really clearly about what you want.

do you want to live with your DH away from your MIL or would you prefer to separate?

are there any circumstances in which you’d be prepared to live multi generationally?

It’s difficult to tell from your posts whether your DH is just a bit useless and hasn’t seen the detriment his mother has caused you or whether he’s abusive himself but assuming the former ask him to clarify what he intends to use the next two months for? Is he actively seeking out another property for the two of you and your DC? Or is he going to negotiate with his parents? Or do nothing at all?

"sort it out"

Sort what out? Living on your own two feet as a couple?
Or making her be 'nicer' to you?

Which one does he mean?

I would not choose her to be nicer, I would choose as a married couple to live on your own. Moving out is what you do when you get married. That is the point of marriage. To form your own separate family. When your MIL went to buy a new house, THAT is the moment you should have fled the coop and bought your own new house.

Do you really want to live with your husband's mum for the rest of your life??? This is just not normal. Speak to your husband again and tell him you don't want 2 months, you want to have a marriage and husband and house of your own and you want to start today. You want to look at flats or houses, and you want to go down to the Real Estate agent TODAY. And you want to move out in the next few days or by the end of the first week of the New Year.

Am baffled why you would have gone ahead with a joint house purchase if this how you feel when I would have been such an ideal time to make a change. If you as a couple have sunk your financial resources into this joint house, you have committed to the most destructive route to breaking up the household

so so common in our culture. you need to stay STRONG and leave if necessary. you don’t need them, they need you. stay strong