Ultimatum to my husband over his mother

[plhelm]

I am 39F and have been with my DH for nearly 20 years. We come from an Indian background. When we first got married, I made what I now realise was a bad decision to live with my in laws.

Since then, my MIL has consistently put me down. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I am constantly compared unfavourably to her daughters. Over the years she has repeatedly involved herself in my marriage and driven a wedge between my husband and me. I know this is not solely her fault, because my husband has allowed it and failed to protect our relationship.

I have reached a point where I simply cannot live like this anymore. I have told my husband it is either her or me. If we stay together, we no longer live with her. I feel awful even writing that, but I am emotionally exhausted and at breaking point.

My questions are practical as well as emotional. How long do I realistically give him to respond? If he chooses her, I am terrified. All our finances are intertwined and I would not even know where to begin with finding somewhere to live. We have three children, who have to be my priority.

What scares me most is that I will lose my nerve, withdraw the ultimatum, and resign myself to living like this for the rest of my life.

To complicate things further, we are currently in the middle of a house move involving both us and his parents, which makes everything feel even more overwhelming.

I feel completely stuck and do not know what the right next step is. Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

I had this situation with my MIL and we've never lived with her. She's a nasty piece of work but always says nasty things when it's just me, never in front of others.

I got to an ultimatum situation and was prepared to walk away. I don't think DH realised how emotionally manipulate she was to him and how she played the innocent helpless victim with him while being nasty to me without him knowing.

I don't really know what changed but he started seeing her in a different light after I told him some of the things she'd said to me and began realising she had a very different side that he hadn't seen.

He chose me and the children and the scales have definitely fallen from his eyes about how he sees his mother.

Just to confirm are you saying you have you exchanged and you are waiting to complete????

Or something else???

You know @plhelm, ANY divorce is hell. However it happens, it's awful. Your kind of awful will be disentangling yourself from your in-laws and the bile you'll get from MiL during the process. For others, it might be the husband has had an affair etc etc.

Living through it is horrible but you have to try to see it as a transition phase, that you have to survive. Bit like a really bad illness. To get to wellness at the other side, you go through feeling like shit.

Obviously, I hope he chooses you. And if he doesn't you work. You're not a stay at home mum. So you're already hugely ahead of a lot of women.

It does not mean this

What contract would the op be referring to?

Obviously OP is referring to the house purchase contract but just because something has been signed does not mean the contracts had been exchanged I.e. shared with the other party. There is often a period where the solicitor holds the contract before it’s physically passed to the other side. Until it’s with the other party it’s not binding and OP can withdraw

Huh?

Youre talking nonsense

what “contract” are you thinking if not exchange?

Op said between exchange and completion so let’s just take her word for things ?

And I don’t think you have bought recently if you think there’s often a period where the solicitor is sitting on a physical copy of the contract before passing on 😆

Exactly

Your question doesn’t even make sense.

the process goes something like this:

purchaser receives contract

purchaser signs contract

purchaser returns contract to solicitor

solicitor exchanges contract with vendor

until the vendor (or their agent) is in possession of the contract the contracts have not been exchanged.

OP states she is “between contract and exchange”. If she is correct and she has not exchanged then she can withdraw. Unfortunately I suspect she actually means she is between exchange and completion. But the distinction is legally critical, hence her being asked to clarify.

OP said she was “between contract and exchange” so if we take her at her word then she can withdraw.

Although I suspect her word is incorrect, the specifics are of critical legal importance.

Ive bought recently, twice, and both times there was between 1-12 days after id signed and returned the contract and the signed copy was sent to the other side.
Its a valid question.
Its exchange of contracts.

Don't beat yourself up. You married into this family as practically a child, at 19. And obviously your in-laws were imposing and intrusive (likely the same they were treated by their own in-laws before).
I would start with a solicitor before giving ultinatums and such-like.

There is an expense with going trough with the purchase whatever but in this case I think OP should just park that, move when she is ready not rush

And I don’t think you’re in an position to throw around snark when you either can’t tell the difference between the words:

“In between contract and exchange”

and

“in between exchange and completion”

or don’t consider them to be legally relevant 🙄

Although as a corporate lawyer who regularly deals with property transactions I am appreciating your naivete at imagining that we’re all racing around desperately trying to get contracts out the second they’re received by us.

The reality is there are often - for a variety of reasons - periods where lawyers are in possession of conveyancing (and other) contracts that have been signed but not exchanged.

1-12 days…. 12 days post you signing before your solicitor sent to the other side??

12? Sweet Jesus you had a shite conveyancer

I agree

Ignore the derailment over contracts. Go to a solicitor and see what your rights and liabilities are. The notion of assets in a joint family is complex. It is unclear to me—and perhaps to you—what you personally own or control and what your liability is with respect to the newly purchased house. Did you have a formal dowry? Has it been used to purchase the house? These are questions to ask your solicitor (and he needs to be familiar with the laws snd customs of your community).

I agree with Pp yhat the best solution structrslly is gor you to take a new house with your iwn money and move. Invite him to come with you if you like. He will never leave hid parents otherwise. The phrase “no pain (his) will result in no gain (yours)” is appropriate here. He eill not support you until it becomes impossible to do otherwise.

OP apologies for being so focussed on where you are in the sale/purchase process, but it is really important to know whether you have actually exchanged contracts or not because if you haven’t then the single most important thing you can do is contact your solicitor and let them know you do not want to go ahead.

If it is possible to halt the purchase/sale process this will give you breathing space and potentially make things easier to untangle.

if contracts have been exchanged then your position is rather different.

Either way how good is your understanding of your financial position, individually, as a couple and as an extended family? Starting to put together a picture of income assets and liabilities will serve you well should your DH decide to stay with his parents.

And you sound like you’re trying to deflect from your embarrassing inability to read, but there it is 😊

Fresh air for you!!

Why?

I sent mine back signed straight away so we'd be ready to go. They took a lot longer to send theirs back to their solictor for various valid reasons.

My solictor calls me for final confirmation before sending it through just in case.

Shes actually quite good.

Its relevant because if the OP's solictor hasnt sent the signed contract to the other sides solictor, or the other side hasnt sent their signed copy back, then there has been no exchange and things might be much easier for the OP.