Dating a widower

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I am in my 50’s and recently joined a dating site. I have met a man who I seem to get on with. Very early days, met 4 or 5 times for a drink/ meal. A few hugs and peck on the cheek but nothing more which is fine by me at this stage. He was widowed 2 years ago. He clearly loved his wife very much as he mentions her a lot. During our last meeting we got onto the subject of sprinkling of ashes relating to something we’d both seen in a film. He then proceeded to tell me that he r had purchased a family plot and would be buried next to his wife.
This has made me feel uneasy. Am I being unreasonable to want to be number one with someone? Would I always feel second best when dating a widower?oh and he still wears his wedding ring.

I would definitely find this difficult. I have a male friend who was married to the love of his life, but she very sadly died young. He has since remarried, but often talks to me about his first wife, how much he loved her, and how he hopes to be reunited with her in heaven. I often wonder what his second wife thinks about this?!

Your situation with the widower you have met would definitely be hard, as I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be someone priority rather than a second choice option.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a widower You can't compete with a ghost. When people we love die anything bad or annoying they ever did gets forgotten and they are remembered as perfect and anything you do will be seen as * wouldn't of done that or would of done that

Hi OP, it sounds as though the widower was with his wife for many years. In that time they will have experienced life together, had plans, maybe had children. They will have been through a lot with each other.
You, however, have just entered the picture and at this stage in your relationship couldn’t possibly be number one. Why would you be?
What you need to decide is do you have the patience to be with him as he re-enters the dating world. Your relationship might develop into something long-term, but it’s far too early for there to be any pressure (on both sides).
Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t be hard on him. Just enjoy it for what it is now and if it doesn’t progress as fast as you like in the next few months, maybe then decide what you want.

Yes he was with his wife for 30 years and has children and grandchildren. I obviously know that I couldn’t expect to be number one so early after meeting someone. My question is, is it ever possible to be number one when someone clearly loved someone else for many years. I’m not sure that it is

We have friends who were both widowed before they met. When they were first together they both mentioned their spouses quite often but it tailed off and now they don’t mention them at all. Their offspring have formed one large extended family and the couple themselves are very happy. In fact, happier than in their previous relationships.

That's an odd mindset for you to have.
What do you mean by Number One?

You can't erase his marriage or his late wife.

He will never get over losing his wife. But that doesn't mean he can't love again.

You're creating a problem that is yours, not his.

He's put himself out there, hoping to find love, whereas you are coming over as lacking in empathy because you see yourself as a replacement, not as special as his wife.

You can never replace his wife. But you could be with a man who loves you and who you love.

Two years is not long for him to grieve. I think for his sake you should consider stepping back because you don't seem to be on the same page.

This one is worth thinking about. I’m a widow btw, now engaged to my dp 8 years after my late husband died.

The good things I see here is that he’s clearly feeling relaxed enough with you to talk about quite intimate stuff. And the reality is that he has a significant past. Nothing will change that. And yes, if he died now he would obviously be buried in his family plot.

Honestly nothing about any of that makes me feel concerned in any way. 2 years isn’t a bad length of time to date either.

The combination of factors, like not understanding how this discussion might feel for you and the wedding ring, does make me feel a tiny bit concerned. I’m perhaps unusual in taking my wedding ring off really early in my widowhood, I just didn’t feel married any more. But few people feel like me about it. I’d give it more time.

You do need to let go in yourself of any sense of competition. I’m friends with dp’s ex-wife. We have artwork by my late husband all over the house and a picture of him in the hall. Does he have kids? They need to be in his life and their interests are important. Don’t fight his past, don’t try and dominate it. If you don’t think you can live alongside it, ask yourself why.

My step mum was a widow I can’t see that it affected how she feels about my father in any way. She was very in love with him and that is apparent. Df was a widower too but he was separated from my dm so it wasn’t the same. So I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag, it depends on how you approach it. If you have to be number one rather than equal then you shouldn’t stay in the relationship.

We have a family friend of my parents who met a widower when she was also widowed. They'd know each other socially for years even when their spouses were alive.

They remarried each other in their early 50s (she was widowed late 40s).

She sold her house and moved into his (nicer house.) and I know she was unsettled by photos etc of his wife still on display.

I think you need to accept you can't erase the past.

I know this is different, but I had two long relationships before I met DH that stopped just short of us getting married.

The relationships didn't work out for various reasons. I'm still in touch with those men (DH knows) 30 years later. I still care about them very much. But DH is different and I love him for what he is, even though in some ways I had more in common with my former partners.

What I'm saying is that there isn't a Number One, but people we can love, in a different way, at different points of our lives.

It may be you are the rebound girlfriend for this man and he finds out he's not ready. I'd play is slowly and see how you feel, like any new date- widower or not.

I don't think he's ready to date. It would really concern me if I met someone and they mentioned their previous wife a lot. It's not because they aren't allowed to or anything but the fact he has mentionitis indicates that he isn't ready to move on. If you met someone and they kept bringing up their (alive) ex it would be very off-putting and a red flag and this is no different just because she is deceased.

I agree with those saying it isn't a competition and that he will never stop loving her but I also feel that for him to date new women, he does at least need to be able to focus on them and not constantly harp back to the past. That's just showing respect to the new women he is meeting. Mentioning his wife once in conversation is very different to bringing up the conversation constantly and talking about being buried with her is just waaaay too much for the first few dates.

The narrow-mindedness here is astounding!
See the responses from @RichPetuniaAgain @SwaningAroundHereandThere and @PermanentTemporary
These will help you become a decent human. All the best!

Why aren't I a decent human being for being picky of who I'd like to spend the rest of my life with just like I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a job, a driving licence, still living with parents, has a history of violence, someone who doesn't have a relationship with there children or has bpd.

I think it’s a little unusual that you want to devise a competition and are thinking about it terms of who would be best. He was married to this woman for 30 odd years and they had children together. Putting yourself up against her feels inevitable that you’ll lose. I think them being buried together makes sense - particularly for their children. This is such early days for this relationship and I think all you need to explore now is if you enjoy spending time with him and if you want to see him for another date and is he in a place where he wants another relationship and could be a good partner. You probably need to do your own work too - are you happy to be in a relationship with someone who has a past (given the age - nearly everyone will). Personally given that he has a record of a loving stable relationship would be better for me than an acrimonious divorce history or several relationships but you decide what works for you.

I don’t think he should be talking about his wife a lot when you have only just met. It would be the same if you were talking about an ex. It wouldn’t be appropriate. You should just be enjoying your time together.

If you're both dating & in your 50's I'm guessing that you both have "baggage" - his is having his wife die earlier than expected and he'll always hold love for her and grieve that loss.
If that's not what you want in a relationship then move on.
That aside, he's dating and moving forwards, I guess it's where abouts he is on his grieving journey and if you think that there's space for you too.

It’s hard to explain. He’s very religious and I’m not. Bearing this in mind I think that he would believe that after death he would be reunited with his wife. That belief would lead me to believe that myself or whoever he was with would only be a stop gap!!!

He is still grieving, possibly never had any counselling BUT that doesn't mean he cannot love again and that could be you.

You re basing your views of him and what he thinks now, that can all change rapidly.

Depends whether you can hack being his support for a while, if it were me and you like him, tell him you'd like a bit less of her and bit more of the present & future, if he resents that, maybe best to move on.

I am a widow and I can only speak from my own perspective because it’s different for all of us, but you can still be his number one priority. That he is saying he plans to be buried with his wife doesn’t mean he can’t have a happy, fulfilling relationship. He has had a lifetime with someone and only just gone through the process of thinking through those type of decisions. He might change his mind in future.

I disagree that if he is still talking about his wife then he is not ready to move on. He can’t tell you much about the life he’s been living for the past 30+ years without mentioning her, and how else are you supposed to get to know each other? One of the things I admire most about my new partner is that he’s not threatened by the mention of a dead man and he allows me to chat about normal things without making me feel like I have to hide anything.

Maybe it is too soon for him, but his grief can develop and move on at the same time as a relationship can grow. He can be a good partner at the same time as holding love in a different way for someone that is no longer here.

Any man in the age bracket you’re looking at is going to have loved someone else before you. There’s probably more chance of a successful relationship with someone who held down a loving marriage for 30 years than someone who has had a string of failed relationships or an awful divorce.

Because the OP isn't asking you for your preferences. You are influencing her into giving up on a love that has potential to become amazingly beautiful. She is asking questions in the early days about outcomes that are anyone's guess. As their love deepens that desire to be buried next to the ex-wife could fade away.
Regardless, people can love more than one person. The ghost is not competition, just holds a place in their heart. The new love can be just as strong, if not stronger. Its all situational.

Op is a grown woman I'm sure she is capable of making her own decisions and is not easily influenced by randoms on the Internet

I disagree that if he is still talking about his wife then he is not ready to move on. He can’t tell you much about the life he’s been living for the past 30+ years without mentioning her, and how else are you supposed to get to know each other?

The OP is trying to get to know him, not him in his relationship with his wife. His relationship with his wife won't be the same as his relationship with the OP as they are entirely different people so him regaling her with how his wife liked to spend Christmas or what she enjoyed doing on their holidays will be utterly irrelevant to the OP.

Him talking about his memories of his wife is absolutely fine but there is a level of appropriateness here when you have only just met someone. If I had only been on a few dates with someone, I would expect them to show a little interest in me, rather than me hearing every single detail about their previous marriage. Talking about being buried with her is just not appropriate for the 4th or 5th date. I am sorry but it isn't and it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Its not because I don't think he has a right to grieve his wife- of course he does, but more because the fact he is talking about it when we barely know each other means he is unable to put it aside for even a short period of time which indicates he isn't ready.

I'm a widow too and I certainly don't beatify my late partner - our relationship was like any long one, it had its ups and downs and tensions but we were pretty happy overall. My new partners are definitely not "competing with a ghost" - I'm a different person at a different stage of life now, looking for different things. I'll always love my late partner, but I'm not in love or in any kind of mental ongoing relationship in my head or anything, as sadly that's over.

I do think it's odd at this stage in your life to be looking to be someone's number one forever and always, most of us by this age have a significant romantic history of some sort that has made us a bit more pragmatic. I don't think in those terms any more, I'm looking for a loving, monogamous relationship that will go the distance but for me the head-over-heels, never-love-anyone-again days of eternal devotion are gone. But I think that's the case for many divorcees, it's not just a widow thing.

I don't think you have the mindset necessary to date a widower. Your expectations are unrealistic for that. It's not a competition.

You have to be able to accept that his marriage didn't end by choice. If she hadn't died, he would still be married. He's going to have signs of her in his home and they had a whole long life and family together. Would you be okay with her pictures on the wall and some of her things still around?

You can't replace that lifetime together. He might be looking for a companion for his later years, someone to do things with and spend time with. It doesn't sound like he's looking for a life partner type relationship now if he's still wearing his ring.

If, after my death, anyone says I wouldn't "of" done something I will go straight back to haunt them mercilessly.

I was in a very similar position to you, OP. And yes it did used to get annoying at times about late wife... I made a series of requests, eg stop wearing wedding ring after the New Year...things like that. I thought if he's not ready to move on, then we'd be better off apart. He did respond positively to my requests and we're now happily married.