Dating a widower

[Pineapplecolada1]

I am in my 50’s and recently joined a dating site. I have met a man who I seem to get on with. Very early days, met 4 or 5 times for a drink/ meal. A few hugs and peck on the cheek but nothing more which is fine by me at this stage. He was widowed 2 years ago. He clearly loved his wife very much as he mentions her a lot. During our last meeting we got onto the subject of sprinkling of ashes relating to something we’d both seen in a film. He then proceeded to tell me that he r had purchased a family plot and would be buried next to his wife.
This has made me feel uneasy. Am I being unreasonable to want to be number one with someone? Would I always feel second best when dating a widower?oh and he still wears his wedding ring.

I think a good example of a relationship after sheer tragedy including being widowed are Sonali Deraniyagala and Fiona Shaw. Sonali lost her several relatives, including her husband and children, in the Boxing Day Tsunami. She married Fiona a few years later. They have both spoken a little on what that looks like.

I have lost all of my blood family so I fully agree grief doesn't ever completely go away.

However, if you are expecting someone new to enter into a relationship with you then there has to be respect there for their wishes too. As someone posted previously about the love of their life being gone and now they just want a companion - well sorry but I find that really quite insulting. I cannot imagine feeling like "well, the love of my life is gone, but you'll do as a companion in my latter years" - that's bloody awful and I don't think a lot of people would be ok with being in a relationship with someone where they are relegated to such a lesser role.

Of course it isn't competition but if that's how a widower generally feels then he will have to accept that a lot of women won't be too keen to be in a relationship where they constantly feel second best or somehow lesser than the perfect former wife.

I just think if you want to idolise your former partner and feel no-one will live up to her and you literally cannot let your former life go then surely it's best to remain single? Not everyone who can be in a relationship SHOULD be in one.

I think you can meet people who feel the same. Not necesssrily other widows but people who arent after that whole soulmate thing. They want fun companionship, too. Maybe someone to share the bills with

Hard agree with this.

If you just want 'companionship' get a pet, or be very clear from the outset. If you just want sex, again be very clear about that.

It’s very early days and I would just see how it pans out. I certainly think it’s possible to love two partners when the first one has died, but it won’t work if you’re always wondering where you are in the pecking order. For what it’s worth I don’t think there should be a pecking order with two good relationships, you just have to accept that they are different.

For context, my mum was widowed very young (41) and was single for the next 15 years, by which point DSis and I were both married and I had two little ones. She then met the man who became her partner for next 12 years until he died. They never lived together but were in a loving committed relationship. He was a widower of 5 years.

The both talked about their previous spouses very naturally and it was about five years into the relationship before my mum took off her rings (she phoned me to let me know she was doing it, bless her) and was very keen to let us know that no disrespect to my dad was meant.

They had both been secure in their love for their first spouses and were then secure in their love for each other. They both understood that you can love again without it detracting from their first loves. The relationships sat alongside each other and were different. My mum’s marriage to my dad had been her first love and they had raised two children together so it was unique and special in that way. It had also, however, been the marriage where they had had to learn to live with another person with all the ups and downs and fall outs that that brings. Her relationship with her second partner was more relaxed - holidays and days out rather than the highs and lows that having a shared family brings. He made her very happy and we all loved him very much . He was the grandad to my children that my own dad never got the chance to be and all the GC loved him too.

When he died my mum said ‘Haven’t I been lucky to have been loved by two lovely men?’ If you can see it in this light, it makes it far less stressful!

Absolutely and if all parties are on the same page, totally fine.

In fact, both people being widowed probably makes it much easier in terms of understanding where they are both coming from.

I am more referring to someone who has lost the love of their life meeting a person who perhaps hasn't found theirs yet- that may create a huge issue if one person feels the love of their life is gone forever and the other feels they have just met theirs.

"When people we love die anything bad or annoying they ever did gets forgotten"

Not so.

I think you would both have to have quite radical changes in outlook for this relationship to work.

He doesn't seem ready to date with a view to a long-term relationship. Perhaps he is ready to "dip his toes" and try to get used to the idea of being a single man again. But he doesn't sound anywhere near ready to actually accept a new partner into his life. Have you spoken about what you are both looking for? Does he realise you want a serious relationship?

I think if you're going to be open to the idea of dating a widower, you have to let go of this idea that you're in competition with his late wife. He is unlikely to love you more than he loved her, although that's not to say he couldn't necessarily love someone the same eventually. He is also unlikely to stop loving her. Your aim should not be to "win" by being "number 1" in his affections. You have to see your relationship with him as a completely distinct, separate thing from his marriage. The same way that parents love their children, I suppose. They don't (generally speaking) love subsequent children less than they loved their first child, and their love for their first child does not diminish when they have more children.

If you can't deal with the reality of a relationship with a widower, there's no shame in that. I'm not sure I could. DH and I sometimes talk about this and I've come to the conclusion that if I were widowed and wanting to date, I'd have to find a widower so we shared an understanding and common expectations.

I think there is equal responsibility. I think that say if you are a single woman aged 35 wanting marriage and children, you have as much responsibility to recognise that a 40 year old widower of 3 young children is unlikely to be able to give you the life you want as he does.

I dont think the woman is more of a victim when they discover they are in very different places in life. They were both naive.

In fairness, I would marry the fabulous Fiona Shaw at the drop of a hat, and I’m both straight and already married!

I would say this depends entirely on how each one has presented themselves and how honest they are on what they want.

If he has presented himself as someone who genuinely wants a life partner and to fall in love again, basically be all in with someone and then spends 90% of their time together talking about how he misses his wife then he isn't being honest. He doesn't want a life partner, he wants a therapist and shouldn't be dating.

It's no different to telling someone from the start you are looking for a monogamous relationship in order to get them to go out with you and then on date 5 surprising them with the idea of dating other people.

If you just want a sometime companion for sex and the occasional trip out then be honest about it. But don't pretend you are looking to fall in love because that's not genuine or authentic and someone will get hurt 🤷‍♀️

I think someone can genuinely want both and that is part of being with a widow/er. This isnt a relationship that exhausted their compatibility. One person was forced to leave it by death. It is part of being an adult to know when someone else might be oblivious to their own wishful thinking.

I would expect an adult man to know that a single mother of a one year old cannot promise him childfree evenings every day after 7. It just isnt realistic and I dont think he needs to actually be a father to know that by adulthood. I would similarly expect any other adult to recognise that a widow might think they want or can offer more to a new partner than they really can.

This is something I'll have to deal with (on the other side as a widow in due course) in the next few years as OH has incurable cancer. We've been together 38 years, we lost our virginity together, had a family together, bought our first home together, etc. I'd not be looking for a "replacement" in any way, shape or form, as we did so much together and were genuinely soul mates. When the time comes to start "dating" again, I'll be looking for a completely different relationship, I'd be wanting to live a "different" life, not the same life with a different person. I'd want to do different things, go to different places, i.e. start a completely new chapter. Maybe even move to a different place, maybe abroad.

If I couldn't find someone to do that with, then I'd rather do it on my own rather than compromise with a new partner who I couldn't live that different life with. I certainly wouldn't want even the faintest hint of a new man trying to "compete" with what I have with my DH, I'd be clear of that from the outset. Likewise I'd not be looking for someone similar to DH. The new relationship may well lead to marriage etc, but it would be a "different" marriage, not trying to emulate the life/experiences I have with DH.

I'd not have the house (current or a future house) full of pictures of him, sentimental momentos, etc., but I'd have a respectful "presence" even in a new home with a new partner, of maybe a couple of photos (not in pride of place) and some "nod" to him with a couple of items of his on display (again, not in pride of place), all discussed and agreed with Mr New! I'd never want to forget nor replace, but wouldn't want my future to be dominated by someone who isn't here anymore either. Even if I didn't get a new partner, I'd still move on, but on my own, and likewise, would "thin out" pictures and objects of DH over time.

It's easier for me as I'm not in any way, shape or form, religious, so I'm not thinking about reuniting in heaven, or being buried together etc. I think being buried together is probably the right thing if I died shortly after DH, but once I was in a serious long term relationship with someone new, especially if married, I'd be buried with the new man. It all depends on timescales and nature of any new relationship really.

I'm also a very "head over heart" kind of person, probably ND in some way, so I think I'd be able to deal with emotional aspects of the loss better than someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I'd be looking for a new partner who was similar, (as is DH) so I'd like to think we could start a new life without too much "emotional baggage". But if I didn't find such a person, then I'd move on on my own without a new "life partner" and hopefully fill my life with new friends, new hobbies, etc.

I don't agree- plenty of people on this thread have said they were widowed but started another serious relationship after an appropriate amount of time so you cannot say that a widower will "never" be ready- not everyone is the same. Not true. Not everyone copes with death in the exact same way. Equally, not everyone copes with divorce the same way.

Having to have childcare for a toddler is a practical issue and nothing to do with how different people emotionally respond to grief.

If I can give you advice from a widows point of view, my husband passed suddenly 14 months ago. We'd been together nearly 40.years, children, grandchildren etc. I'm not ready for dating yet but when I do I want a completely different relationship than I had with my husband, I want all the good things but not a live in relationship. My husband will always be my number one but I like to think going forward I would have a happy life with partner number two.

I think it depends on the specifics but if you havent had any children or ever been married, then I think it is obvious that someone who has had a married life and children is in a different place to you. That's not to say it can never work but it is a different situation to it being the first time around for both of you. That's the same for divorce or death.

Another example, a person who is aggrieved that their partner's parents arent contributing to their child's 2nd wedding like they did the first. Therefore, it will be altogether less grand. However, it is one party's first wedding.

These are the swings and the roundabouts

Unfortunately I know a little bit about this as a close family friend [now sadly deceased] and who was very religious [RC] became tormented towards the end of his life about the prospect of meeting up with both his late wives in heaven - it was difficult to know if his excessive guilt and unsophisticated concept of the afterlife were due to his dementia. He worried that his first wife would confront him about his 'infidelity' with his second wife- both had died several decades prior Nothing would console him and he refused to discuss it with the priest who one would imagine to be the best person to reassure him because it was so shameful

Everyone is of course different and maybe this isn't helpful to you - and just a sad anecdote

Doesn’t sound like he’s ready to move on. I’m a widow, and I was ready at about two years. But I put my wedding rings on my other hand and would avoid talking about him to a new romantic interest. Certainly in the early stages! And the burial plot suggests he still feels married to her in every way.

@Pineapplecolada1 On a slightly more positive note for you, he was buried in the same cemetery as his 2nd wife but not the same grave - a change from his original plans to be interred with his first wife - tho' it was more than 30 years since they had died

I don’t think you will ever be number 1 with this particularly man and I think that’s something you would have to accept. My grandfather went on to be with someone for 14 years after my grandmother died, they were happy companions yet my grandmother was always his number 1. His partner had been married twice before but considered my grandfather her best relationship, she had no children.

I believe this is why a lot of widows/widowers end up together, shared understanding.

Thank you for all your insights. I like this man and I recognise all the positives about being with someone who can have a successful long term relationship. I will see how things develop over the next few months. I am quite able to understand that he parted from his wife through death and not by choice . For me to progress the wedding ring would have to come off as it makes me feel like he’s cheating! I will have to be careful about my own feelings as well. Although I’ve been divorced and had several relationships I’ve never been lucky enough to meet the love of my life and I feel that I want and deserve that. Maybe I can’t have that with this man. I’ll have to wait and see!!

I dont think you need to worry about who he’s with after death. You are here, she is not. I’ve been with my DP for 12 years. He is a widower and his wife died about 7 years before I met him. He had three children. I had none. Honestly, it will all settle down. Previous poster is correct. They will always be a saint, but in time it will bother you less. They feel the need to put them on a pedestal because they feel guilty. Let him work with that. I have a wonderful partner and have been privileged to have parented three beautiful, sensitive, funny and supremely talented and capable children. I’m rambling. What I’m saying is, don’t read into anything Dating a widower is a process.

I'm stepping well away from newly widowed men
Was love bombed, I now find myself at the bottom of priorities beneath his family
I'm finding strength and he's just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and he's kept it secret from his children in their 30s
Because their dm passed away with breast cancer just 4 years ago.
Never again

Do protect your own feelings especially at this early stage. There is no timetable for how things will go
Do you know how his children have reacted to the idea of their father dating?

Maybe at this stage of life the “love of your life” could look different to what you’d imagined.

It is perfectly reasonable that this man would be buried with the mother of his children.
His children have not died and they will all still be grieving and will always value their mother.

You will be second but perhaps well loved.

If you were a widow you might be better suited because he would understand your enduring love for your deceased husband.

If you were to proceed with the relationship you would have to have a respect for his deceased wife and understand her contributions to his family, without feeling resentment.