Dating a widower

[Pineapplecolada1]

I am in my 50’s and recently joined a dating site. I have met a man who I seem to get on with. Very early days, met 4 or 5 times for a drink/ meal. A few hugs and peck on the cheek but nothing more which is fine by me at this stage. He was widowed 2 years ago. He clearly loved his wife very much as he mentions her a lot. During our last meeting we got onto the subject of sprinkling of ashes relating to something we’d both seen in a film. He then proceeded to tell me that he r had purchased a family plot and would be buried next to his wife.
This has made me feel uneasy. Am I being unreasonable to want to be number one with someone? Would I always feel second best when dating a widower?oh and he still wears his wedding ring.

He's not the one for you. How can he ever talk about his past eg holidays, experiences when he spent those times with his late wife? I think YABU.

I think 2 years after the death of his loved wife of 30 years is very early to be ready for a committed relationship. I’ve been divorced 3 years (not my choice, I was devastated) and my attempts at dating have not lasted because realistically I wasn’t fully over the marriage.

He might be a very nice man and say all the right things about wanting a relationship, but wanting and being ready for are different things. I see strong potential for you to end up hurt here.

I love your last sentence: dating a widower is a process.

Couldn’t agree more. Time is such a gift in a relationship where one person is a widower. Compromises, respect and communication on both sides is key. If DC involved, even more important.

No two relationships in a lifetime are the same. You learn from your past ones and take the best bits forward. The relationship I have with my (widowed) partner, is mainly different to what he had with her.

I’ll always respect his late wife, she shaped him to be an incredible dad and husband. Of course there’s occasional pangs of jealousy about the life they had and love they had, but as above, it’s a process. It can be challenging but it has genuinely made me a better person

It wouldn't bother me. He was with his wife a long time and did all the major life things with her (having kids, etc). If he has DC and DGC then of course they'll want to visit one grave eventually to pay respects to their parents.

I don't get the "not number one" thing either. He's never going to do things with his late wife again, so of course you'd be number one eventually, if the relationship progresses. As a pp said, you can't erase his old life. You wouldn't be second best, you would be his second chance [at happiness]. You don't sound as religious as your new man, so unsure why you'd want to be possessive of his burial place.

Your OP and tie subsequent comments suggest to me that he is not the man for you.

I wouldn't like it. As we get older we meet people who have had relationships, been married, had kids, been widowed... that's just how it is. But for him to still be wearing the wedding ring and be speaking about being burried with his ex.....

nope.

I don't think he is ready to date, and the wedding ring shows he still feels married.

Of course he will talk about his dead wife, and of course she will always be part of his life. It's the way in which he talks about her that matters.

If this man was divorced and was still wearing his wedding ring and speaking about his ex in a way that showed he had not moved on, then people would unanimously advise caution to OP.

The same applies here - he's not yet ready for another relationship - and some widows/widowers never are. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it makes him a poor match for someone who is currently looking for a serious relationship.

I guess he's just starting out dating and hasn't given much thought to his ring.

It is symbolic and I fully understand how for a woman he dates it seems as if he's still in the past and not moved on.

TBH I wonder if he will only remove it when he's found someone he feels is 'the one' and about to be a serious relationship.

If i were @Pineapplecolada1 I'd keep quiet about the ring, carry on seeing him if they get on well and leave the chat about the ring till later if the relationship evolves beyond 4 dates.

I think, if you want to be with this guy, then you'll need to get over the "no 1" thing.

People are capable of loving more than one person equally. We generally love our kids equally, love our parents equally, love our friends and family equally. It's not a competition.

Romantic love is different, because most people want and expect monogamy. And when most relationships end, they generally end badly, so you don't tend to still be in love with your previous partner.

Except when your partner dies. They die, but that love doesn't. And while you can move on, and find someone else to share your life with, and maybe even love, that love is never going to replace the love you felt for your dead partner. It'll be different, maybe even equal, but not a replacement.

You're never going to be the only person he loves @Pineapplecolada1 . If you can handle that, great, but if not, best to step away now.

No, you will never be No 1, his (deceased) wife always will be. And his children and grandchildren will always come before you too. Makes me wonder why men bother looking for 'love' in their 50s and 60s+ when they have been with the same woman for 30-35+ years, and she has died or left. Most of them still pine after her. I can only surmise that they want a maid/a nurse/someone to cook and clean and do his washing and ironing. Most men don't do well alone, and will seek a replacement wife/maid/cook/cleaner.

I'd be giving this one a swerve... Be polite about it, but tell him you're not taking things any further,

This is such mean and cynical post.
I have a (late) close family friend who was widowed and she met a widower (they knew each other anyway through mutual friends). The married in their 50s and were together for 30 years. Both had children and grandchildren when they got together.

My great aunt who was a widow and a friend whom she'd known for years set up house together (her house) when they were in their 70s. It worked for them as companionship.

It's unimaginative of you to question why older men and women want a partner in later life especially as average life expectancy is mid 80s.

Equally, I have friends who are widows and say they will never have another partner as their deceased husbands are irreplaceable.

It's not a one-size fits all. To say men are looking for a nurse/ maid or whatever is incredibly sexist. You could equally say women want a man to do DIY, put the bins out, maintain their car, provide financial stability and a better pension. Both are outdated stereotypes and I'm sorry you see life that way.

Why has it made you uneasy when he discussed where he will be buried? You’ve only met him four or five times. I think it’s natural he is talking about his wife as he only lost her a couple of years ago. I would find it strange if he didn’t. It might be the first time he’s dating since what happened and there might be some guilt there that he’s moving on, hence mentioning her. I think dating him would require patience as he’s obviously going to talk about her from time to time and you’re not going to feel like number one straight away.

It could be possible to be his number 1 but it’s such early days it’s not fair for you to expect it at this stage. If you’re madly in love and still together in 20 years then are that could change but a cuddle and a peck on the cheek doesn’t imply a full blown love affair and his wife only died 2 years ago. You’re thinking way to much into this at the moment

I think him talking about being buried next to his wife is basically him setting out his expectations. For him there is a hierarchy and she will be forever at the top.

Yes, I understand the need for sensitivity, hes been through a lot, but that doesn't mean to say that your needs are any less.

If you're keen or just want to see how it goes then tell him that you're not comfortable with the topic of his wife as the top conversation. If he doesn't like that then hes not sensitive to your needs - which are just as much of a priority as his.

He may want to meet someone for companionship but he is clearly still grieving.
It sounds as if you might be a pleasant distraction while he goes through it.
I would be very wary as you might find that you are the rebound person that could quckly be his crutch person, associated with a very difficult time that he will eventually want to move on from.

It happens, and its very painful for the crutch person involved if they fall hard.
Don't be used, however unintentionally.
Protect yourself.
Often with adult children involved they can forever see you as the person in their dear mum's spot.

Is this forum not for everyone or only people with perfect English. Did you make these rules up or are they written somewhere 🤔

I would never presume or expect to be anyone’s number one at this stage of life.
You can’t compete with first loves and youth.
Even with divorces I’m sure there would be nostalgia for the early days of the relationship.

Biblically, I think things are open to interpretation. The Bible speaks of Jesus’ second coming as a wedding of sorts where he is reunited with the church. And so I think heaven will be more ‘innocent’ and pure. No typical marriages per se.

@SwaningAroundHereandThere

This is such mean and cynical post.

I have a (late) close family friend who was widowed and she met a widower (they knew each other anyway through mutual friends). The married in their 50s and were together for 30 years. Both had children and grandchildren when they got together.

Soooo, they knew each other already then....? Not really the same as what I was talking about, (or the OP's situation!)

My great aunt who was a widow and a friend whom she'd known for years set up house together (her house) when they were in their 70s. It worked for them as companionship.

And THEY had known each other for YEARS as well.... ? 🙄

Again NOT what I was on about, or the same as the OP's situation!

I still stick by what I said, many men (50 and older) who are 'looking for love' when their wife has left or died, are actually looking for a maid, a nurse, a housekeeper, in the hope she will become a carer later on. As I said before, men don't do well on their own, and the vast majority of them need a woman.

Doesn't help that their mothers do everything for them, and treat them like a Prince. And yes I DO blame the mothers when men are like this, because many mothers put their precious sons on a pedestal. And even if that doesn't happen, most men will have seen their mothers do everything for them, their dad, their siblings, other extended family, and everything in the home. So at best they will be lazy and entitled, and expect the woman to do all the chores and wifework.

I have even known of men trying to look for a woman to be with, so he has a nursemaid for his elderly parents. If there is no woman available to do care, men aren't too keen on it, and will do everything they can to find someone else to do it. Even it it means pretending he is 'looking for love.' 🙄I knew one woman once who was 47 and she met a man on online dating. He said he was 48, but it turned out he was actually 55, and on the first date he asked her if she could cook, and what days she worked. His wife had died,(2 months earlier,) and he had no-one to help look after his elderly mother. My friend never went on a second date with him!

It's not a one-size fits all. To say men are looking for a nurse/ maid or whatever is incredibly sexist. You could equally say women want a man to do DIY, put the bins out, maintain their car, provide financial stability and a better pension. Both are outdated stereotypes.

Errr, no ... These are NOT outdated stereotypes. Many women recognise what I am saying. The 33 'likes' on my post you quoted tell me that!

If this is something you don't recognise, then I am really pleased for you. Don't say that this is not a thing though! Because it is!

The fact that the couples I mentioned has known each other previously (and this was decades before online dating even existed) doesn't make any difference to one aspect of this - namely that they still had to overcome any feelings of a new spouse being 'second best' and that they couldn't get over being bereaved.

If you insist that men over 50 are looking for a nurse or a maid, the same will apply to single men either who are divorced, never married or widowers. So what you're saying is that women should never marry or date a man over 50.

That really is a joke.

If you insist on stereotyping the sexes in this way, then my point about why some women may want a partner still applies.

Men earn more than women. Yes, even now, given that women take time out of their careers for parenting, so their pensions are often far lower.
Men can do the heavy lifting (literally) in the house which some women value.

I am sorry that you have this low opinion on men and wonder how many examples you know of in real life where widowers have married for a nurse/ maid?

More fool the women who agreed to that because we have choices.

The only concession I'll make to my post is that the people I know were each widowed. That means it's a level playing field. They have experienced the same emotions and acknowledge that whoever they may have a relationship with in the future is not 'replacing ' their spouse.