Dating a widower

[Pineapplecolada1]

I am in my 50’s and recently joined a dating site. I have met a man who I seem to get on with. Very early days, met 4 or 5 times for a drink/ meal. A few hugs and peck on the cheek but nothing more which is fine by me at this stage. He was widowed 2 years ago. He clearly loved his wife very much as he mentions her a lot. During our last meeting we got onto the subject of sprinkling of ashes relating to something we’d both seen in a film. He then proceeded to tell me that he r had purchased a family plot and would be buried next to his wife.
This has made me feel uneasy. Am I being unreasonable to want to be number one with someone? Would I always feel second best when dating a widower?oh and he still wears his wedding ring.

Absolutely all of this. My partner is a widower, and we do not talk about his late wife at all, and he doesn't wear his wedding ring. He did once, and I told him I don't date or sleep with married men. He hasn't worn it since.

If he feels he ready to move forward to a new chapter of his life, inevitably some things will change. If he has been wearing his wedding ring on dates with you, then I don't feel he is as ready as he thinks he is. Has he had any other relationships since his wife died?

It wouldn’t bother me but the very religious factor may be an issue. I was a practicing Christian but not one that felt compelled to spread the word when I met DH, who was an atheist.

I can't ever imagine loving anyone like I do DH. But would probably like the companionship. Have you ever had an absolute love of your life op? I know a few widowers and widows. One is my sister who just really didn’t like living alone Plus she is a very practical woman and wanted to share expenses. She has remarried. She was too clever to mention her departed husband a lot as she had a mission. Others have never dated again.

Overall it’s what you are comfortable with.

I agree with all of this.

OP, I don't think the Bible says that you are together again in heaven (someone who has better knowledge about the bible might be able to confirm).

I would say that it is far, far easier to have conversations about his talking about his late wife and wedding ring wearing now, before you are in too deep. I'd particularly want to know if he sees you as his bloody 'companion in his later years' - that was definitely NOT what I was looking for when I met my partner! You are allowed to want what you want from a relationship.

I dated a guy whose long term partner had died 4 years previously. He talked about her a lot and had photos of her all around his house. He also told me he still had all her clothes in his bedroom wardrobe. It did make me feel uneasy, not because I felt second best, but because it felt to me that he was not ready to move on. We did talk about it and he insisted that he felt ready to move on, but I decided after a few months that it wasn't working for me.

The 'life after death' issue is relevant in so much as he may think of anything between now and then as a 'stop gap'.

I wonder though what his late wife said to him? Were it me, I'd say live your life to the full, find a good woman you can love and can love you back, with my blessing.

No doubt at 50 something @Pineapplecolada1 you've loved and lost, or divorced along the way. You too have baggage but a different type.

You will never replace his wife but love can be infinite - it's not a pot that runs empty- we can love people in different ways at different stages of our lives.

Fondness, caring, shared interests, sexual attraction are enough, without anyone feeling they are No 2.

I think you need to take this slowly. He may indeed find he's not ready so you shouldn't over think it as it's such early days.

Think of it as a slow burn, not an intense fire.

OP I dated a widower for 2 and a half years and lived with him for some of that.

I was late thirties when we met and he was in his forties. He was back out dating 3 months after his wife died which kind of shocked me but I think it was partly she had been ill for a while and partly he recognised how short life was.

I met him about 18 months after his wife died so he had dated a few people before me. At first he did make reference to his wife even saying things like 'I would never have given her up' and then trying to retract them. I just said I understood he loved her and that was natural to not want to have been pushed apart. It didn't take him long to stop talking about her and he absolutely did fall in love with me.

My story didn't have a happy ending but that was down to other relationship issues and nothing to do with the fact he was a widower. So I won't bore you with them.

However this widower did not have children and thus apart from meeting some of their mutual friends there were not constant reminders of her around. He had photos etc of them at the start and most of them he took down of his own accord although I think he still had one up in his 'man cave'.

There are benefits and disadvantages I'd say. If they were happy together he is more likely to be open and trusting to another relationship (rather than someone who has been through a bad divorce and has feelings of bitterness or anger towards woman say).

That said he may just not be ready to date again. It's a judgement call for you as to whether you want to stick around for a year or so and see if he gradually stops mentioning her so much and starts showing loyalty to you. Whatever you decide there is no right or wrong answer just what is right for you.

I'm surprised at people saying widows or widowers should ditch their rings.
My older relatives (gran) were widowed for almost 40 years before they died. They always wore their rings.
Had they been 'dating' who knows, but it's not a given that you take off a ring.

I’d refuse to play second fiddle to a ghost. I’m not being a placeholder to keep him company

The religion would put me off a lot more!

He’s clearly a good prospect for long term relationships though.

The ring I understand. I think it's a bit sad you have asked him to never talk about his late wife at all. That's a huge part of his life you've asked him to pretend to forget about imo. There's a balance - obviously talking endlessly or every day is not acceptable but grief lasts forever. I hope there are other people in his life he can talk about her to.

I think the rules around exes totally change when the previous partner has died and that is why many people would not date a widow. The thing is, these 2 people would likely still be together if one didnt die. That makes ALL the difference. I unfortunately know quite a few widows/widowers, some in successful new relationships. All of those are with people who understand that the deceased isnt an ex.

Fine if not dating @SwaningAroundHereandThere

If a widow or widower would like to move forward and have another relationship, they need to remember that the other person might have an issue with that. That might mean the widowed person doesn't want to have that relationship, or that the other person decides the widowed person is not for them. Both sides have agency here.

In the same way, we don't talk about my nearly 30 year marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ That is the past, we are forward facing. I'm sure if he wishes to he can speak about her to his adult step children.

It's unrealistic to expect to find someone in their 50s who hasn't been in a serious relationship that has resulted in emotional damage when it has ended, through divorce or being widowed.

It do think it takes a certain type of person to be able to hold space for a late husband or wife in a relationship. With children and grandchildren then it won't be possible to remove all traces of that that relationship. A widower I know will only date widows because he wants to have that loss in common.

Sometimes it may start off that the early relationship is the "primary" one and this is a "next best thing" or "for now". But if you are in your 50s it could last for 30 or 40 years, potentially longer than the 1st marriage and have as much depth. But you can't know that up front.

In an afterlife everything is meant to be perfect so perhaps there would be a world in which you both get to be married to him and be like sister wives and there would be no jealousy or competition.

Did your marriage end because you wanted different things or did your previius husband die?

🤣🤣🤣 👻

In my experience, 4th or 5th date is around about the time that you start having deep and meaningful conversations if it’s a relationship that’s going somewhere. At 50+, there’s going to be a lot of past experiences that come up in the standard ‘getting to know each other’ conversations, and someone who’s been happily married for 30 years can’t help some of that involving their wife. I understand that talking about where you want to be buried might seem strange, but when you have been forced to spend a lot of time thinking about death and everything that comes with it, it’s your reality. It doesn’t feel as strange when bereavement has forced you to face it. Someone that is uncomfortable with considering the reality of death probably isn’t in the best position to date a widower.

I agree with you that there’s differences in how he might be talking about his wife that could be telling. Banging on about her preferences for things with no conversational context could mean that he really just needs a counsellor. Mentioning her as part of an experience he’s sharing or talking about what past Christmases have been like at Christmas is just normal conversation.

You don’t put grief aside, it just doesn’t work like that for someone who’s been married for 30 years and produced children and grandchildren. Thats basically asking him to forget who he is and pretend his life before bereavement never happened.

He doesn’t really sound ready to date, and I would always be concerned that the religious background would make him incompatible in any case.

Religions , especially Christianity, Judaism, the Muslim faith are patriarchal so any believers will at best not have any problem with patriarchy. Thats a big no in my book

Not all people have issues with widows or widowers.

I know someone who was divorced then her ex H died (they were still on good terms and they had 2 children, still young.) Then she remarried and he died. She has not married again for the 3rd time still in her late 50s.

I look at someone like Judi Dench whose H died aged 60 ish. She wasn't looking for someone else as they were devoted. But she met David through similar interests and they are a couple but not married. He's several years her junior.
It would be impossible for her to brush her husband out of her life because they were in dramas together, still on the TV as repeats, her whole past is wrapped up in him. But she'd moved on enough to love another man who is not (I assume ) feeling his nose is out of joint.

@SwaningAroundHereandThere , That's an odd mindset for you to have. I disagree. I think it is a normal thought.

@Pineapplecolada1 , A relative's wife died young. They'd been married for about 18 years and had young children. He's now a grandfather.
He has a lovely girlfriend and they enjoy the same things in life. She has not tried to replace his wife.
As pp, you can't compete with a ghost.
I'd keep him as a friend and date other men. He doesn't seem ready for a relationship.

I think it depends on what context he’s talking about her. If it’s anecdotes about things he’s done/seen in the past and she just happened to be there, then fine but if he’s clearly missing her and grieving and talking her about her qualities and their life together, then yes I’d be wary.

I think he’s being a bit insensitive. You are not his best friend or his counsellor.

You can't compare a widower to a woman whose ex-husband died.

Well, this clearly isn’t the relationship for you, if you view it as being locked in struggle with a dead woman, and are already getting arsey in your head, after four or five dates, about who he’s going to be buried with, and who he believes he’ll be reunited with in the hereafter!