Living separately - over 50s

[ThatRosePlayer]

I have been with my partner for over two years now. Both in our 50s. I’m divorced, he’s been separated for 20+ years, didyget divorced because of a joint business.
We have our own houses within 40 mins drive of each other. Yesterday he started hinting at moving in together.
but I am happy the way we are, I like my own space and do not miss the ‘domestic bliss’. I was very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to live together. I don’t want to lose him but living together is not what I want.

has anyone else been in a similar situation?

My partner and I will never live together but we’re absolutely committed to each other. We both have our own space, which includes room for our adult children when they need it. I love having my own place and he loves having his. And we both very much love having each other in our lives.

When my dad died he was 84 and his girlfriend was 87! I'm 51 and my most recent boyfriend was 60! So enough of the laughing emojis, you cheeky thing! 😆

My DH’s choice of viewing is Big Trucks in the Klondike, Amazon,Texas pan handle ….. or Indian metal workshops smelting and welding …….. fortunately he is willing to sit in his office to view.
But I like my choice of YouTube - would never live with a man again if Anything happened to DH.

I'd be worried about the no divorce.

At what point will they get divorced?

If he dies, she inherits and vice versa. Unless they have made wills to do it differently.

Stick to your guns.

If you were to move in, rent out your house- do not sell it.

I have a divorced friend who moved in with a divorced man in her late 50s and 10 years later they split up. Thankfully she'd rented out her own house and could go back.

You make it sound like part of what defines a partner is how hard it is for them to get away! Like they're locked in and its harder to escape because they're less entangled rather than in the relationship through choice.

Some people have been in long-term relationships for years...but over 40 it sounds a bit flimsy to say 'boyfriend' or whatever. I suppose spending most of the week together (even if alternating between shared houses) shows a different level of commitment to just a couple of dates a week though so it depends which it is.

We’ve been together years, now have houses in the same village - same road actually. It’s bliss, both enjoy independent time but it’s so easy to be together when we want. We are very much a committed partnership. Could you look towards doing this?

OP, you are misunderstanding the "nurse with a purse" comment.
A nurse with a purse is a woman who is financially independent of a man but provides all the comforts and caring of a wife for free.

A man who is not divorced, comfortably off, loves the comforts of being with you and would like to move in with you or live together, with no financial commitment, whilst you slot into a caring role, making his life more comfortable, is a perfect example of such a man.

Its a real thing.
I am 60 and I cannot tell you the amount of single friends and widows who have had these approaches from men they might be only seeing casually for 6 months.

Nice men that they really enjoy going out with, but who are now very keen to formalise a relationship where they will live together, cover their own costs, but undoubtedly the women will be providing home comforts.

NONE of these women I know want to share their home or be on the clock of a full-time relationship.

They love their own home, they love the independence of deciding if and when they will have company.
They love that they have no responsibility for the cleaning, cooking, laundry tasks of anyone else.

A couple let the relationship go rather than entertain it, a few others remain in their "together but apart" relationships, making it clear that they will never share their home with anyone again.

They all have small easy to manage properties and love the privacy of their own homes.

One such friend was enjoying such a relationship with a nice man that she met through golf and they saw each other a couple of times a week, whilst strictly not living together.
He had two grown up daughters with their own young families that made it clear they had no wish to have any contact or to even meet her.
She was fine with that.

Until he had a sudden health situation that was life changing, and she was contacted by his elder daughter to take over his various health appointments and caring duties when he was leaving hospital!
Suddenly she was keen to meet.
She was fond of him but that was not their relationship. She had an extended trip already planned to see family in Australia and made it crystal clear to his daughter that she clearly misunderstood the nature of their relationship and she was not going to be in any way involved in his care.
She ended the relationship with a clear conscience, as she knew that if the situation was reversed she wouldn't have seen him for dust.

Be very clear on your boundaries because it sounds as if you allowed yourself to be seriously used in your marriage and might still be very vulnerable.

Your opinion is absolutely your opinion and you are entitled to it, but you can’t tell other people what “partner” means to them. I don’t live with my partner, but 100% consider him my partner in life. I lived with a guy for 10 years and he absolutely didn’t consider him my partner in life, my forever. We are all entitled to our own definition. The Oxford dictionary has several, including “one with whom one has sex with, a lover”.

I can tell you what other people are thinking when you present someone using a word that suggests a relationship of mutual reliance and meaningful support. A partner you don't share real world things with is a friend.

OMG please stop, my ribs can't take any more. 😂

@Radiosn , thank you for clarifying the NwP definition! Now I get it! And I have already been that with my ex and definitely not wanting to be one.
We chatted more this morning and he reassured me that if I want to stay as we are then no pressure, he is happy with the way we are but wanted to open the conversation in case I wanted to move together.

You know what's really childish? Insisting that one's own perspective is the only valid or correct one, and asserting (as you did downthread) that what other people hold the same perspective, without a shred of evidence.

Wow so you can only share ‘real world things’ by living under the same roof - who knew?

Every day really is a school day on MN

Or alternatively it’s absolute nonsensical bollocks

Excellent update OP.
God forbid anything would happen to my husband of 35 years, but if it did, no way would I ever consider living with another man.
My long married friends all hold a similar view.
We are all financially independent and living with another man that isn't the father of our children, holds zero appeal.

Men love to be looked after and in the vast majority of even happy relationships, a lot of the mental and caring load falls to women.
It certainly wouldn't be something I would be prepared to do for any other man beyond my husband, no matter how entertaining their company.
One and done!

I think you're right to be worried. It's so ingrained in women that we're the ones to do the housework, the nurturing and the running around, and so ingrained in men that these things are just done for them that it would be difficult not to unconsciously fall into these roles if living together.

Don't allow yourself to be pressurised into something that you feel uncomfortable about.

Partner is another term for boyfriend/girlfriend, especially when you’re older.

This ☝️ op,
It's good because you both look forward to seeing each other and that time is quality together, but then you enjoy your time alone,

I think you've made it clear you don't want a live in partner to him so I would sit down and talk to him and say this is still the case and you still feel this way

No i meant they don’t call them boyfriends!

they call them partners

I’m 56

my late husband was 64 when I met him so no prejudice here!

Sounds a perfect setup to me.

My partner and I don't live together because one of us would have to clock up 400 miles a week getting to work! We've been together 13 years. I had a very lonely marriage and I'm divorced. He had had several relationships over the years culminating in an abusive relationship and has never married. There were trust issues on both sides initially but we worked it out. We talked and still talk about where we are and where we are going! Communication is everything! Two years ago we exchanged commitment rings. Some people find it weird but to us it symbolised our relationship - we are a couple despite not sharing a house! And you know what? It's slowly changing our friends and family attitude to our situation and they're respectful of it, although my son would love it if we just acted like normal people 🤣.
But you say your man has never divorced his wife.....be careful of this as my lovely friend was in your exact position, for the same reasons and when he died suddenly she was totally disrespected by his family and estranged wife. No admission to the funeral, not allowed to say goodbye in the funeral home, no communication with his children whom she had a good relationship with, absolutely denied any recognition at all. I think you need to make him divorcing his wife YOUR deal breaker. Thankfully my friend retained the rights to her home, and is now getting herself straight but it was absolutely heartbreaking watching her struggle with it all. Be careful and if you don't want to live with him then don't.
You have choices my love and gut instinct is a powerful indicator of what you should choose to do. Good luck! Xx

Im slightly younger than you and love living separately from my partner. but we do only live a 5 minute walking distance apart. love my own space, my own bed, infact i dont know if id ever want to live with a man full time but i currently do have teens still at home with me and maybe il feel different once theyve left home, but tbh I dont think I will. im happy spending a few nights at each others houses and then being able to retreat back to my own space. I sleep much better on my own in my own bed.

That’s very much what I have been thinking - and what we both appreciate about our relationship as well. So not going to change things. :-)

I’ve known people be married but not live together (and at least two couples very famously).
Personally I’m not looking for a partner but even less would I want to live with anyone other than my children.

Haha, I sleep much better by myself or with my dog too. And he gets it because he is similar. As I explained earlier today, he said he wanted to open a conversation so a false alarm but it has been invaluable to get everyone’s perspectives which also reassured me that I am not unique in liking this type of arrangement.
yes, living closer would be great but if you think about stamp duty for him to move (I like the community where I am), it would be a lot to move. Perhaps he could rent his house and rent something here.
The divorce situation dies bug me but I wouldn’t be looking at being in his will (why would I?), so not a deal breaker.