Living separately - over 50s

[ThatRosePlayer]

I have been with my partner for over two years now. Both in our 50s. I’m divorced, he’s been separated for 20+ years, didyget divorced because of a joint business.
We have our own houses within 40 mins drive of each other. Yesterday he started hinting at moving in together.
but I am happy the way we are, I like my own space and do not miss the ‘domestic bliss’. I was very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to live together. I don’t want to lose him but living together is not what I want.

has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Absolute nonsense and even more so at the OP’s age.

Its hardly childish for two mature divorced adults to keep their own homes and protect their assets whilst enjoying their time together but also having lives away from each other.

Its bloody sensible imo

I was seeing a woman for over 2 years, living in different houses, living as “partners “, she blocked me and moved on to someone else within weeks,

@Pavementworrier Cambridge Dictionary disagrees with you:
"the person you are married to or living with as if married to them, or the person you are having a sexual relationship with".

1. Why he wants to move in together?

Is the answer financial? Is he starting to feel stretched meeting the outgoings on a house he spends less time in, often being in your house and travelling to and from your house?

Is he starting to think it is a bit ridiculous both of you paying running costs for 2 x houses (and food, and household goods etc).

Or ...........

2. Is it because he longs to spend more time with you and have an even closer relationship than you currently have?

Perhaps the answer is a bit of both - but you need to talk to him to explore all of this and his reasoning.

3. If the biggest reason is financial, then I personally would request that he divorce his wife properly before you set up one home together. Whether that one home is his home, your home, or a new house you buy together ...... him still being married will eventually be a big legal problem for you.

^ Sod the business. He and his ex wife can still be directors in XYZ company as divorced people with the same surname. If him remaining married to her is for some kind of tax dodge or to keep claiming married persons tax allowance or something like that, that's ridiculous - it is a small benefit (and a tax benefit he could easily gain by marrying you if he really wanted to).

No one involved with XYZ company (clients / suppliers / staff / public image) needs to know the legal status of his relationship with his wife / ex wife.
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To my mind, him still being married to another person would be the biggest reason not to move in together.

^^ You could use that as your excuse to decline his request.

This is true @ThatRosePlayer sorry 💐.
i would advise you sit and have a conversation with him about why he feels this way. But I do find with men they are more eager as they love being looked after. It needs to work with you though. You don’t have to show him commitment by him moving in. It can be in other ways like having space in your wardrobe and bathroom
For his stuff, planning trips together . This is how it is for my partner and I. He wants to get married ect but for now I have one dc under 18 and her happiness is my priority over anything and anyone. He knows this x

Absolutely. There is no way Id be moving in all the while he's still married to another woman. He is looking for a maid.

Or boyfriend?

I don’t think 50 year olds have “boyfriends” 😂😂

Nurse with a purse - seems to be a common theme with older men

You can buy two houses next door to each other so you have your own space or one bigger house or even a house with your own lounges and sitting rooms each

as you get older it makes sense to be honest

agree domestic arrangements and who inherits what before hand

I agree people use partner to easily (personally I don’t like the word at all), but I don’t agree with what else you are saying. We didn’t live together before marriage, but I would call being engaged and planning a wedding was just ‘casually hanging out sometimes’

Stick to your boundaries op, but definitely have a conversation about his change of mind.

Stick to your guns.
Men like that often want a nurse with a purse.
If you are happy in your home, their is nothing whatsoever to be gained by him moving in.

My friend's mum has just turned 80 and has had a partner for over 30 years but they've never lived together. She likes her own house and her own space. They see each other several times a week, walk the dog, have dinner together and holiday together etc but she never wanted a live in partner. They seem very happy.

If you never want to move in together, you need to have that conversation with him now. If it's a dealbreaker for him then you'd be better off finding out now.

This is peak ‘Mumsnetters cannot get their head around vaguely unconventional ways of living’.

She told him at the beginning!

he needs to address it with her as it’s new information - he’s the one who has changed mind

Don’t be ridiculous

Op why do you think you might lose him?

Absolutely. Ridiculous to say if you don’t live with someone they aren’t your partner. Especially when it’s a long relationship.

Yes I'm the absurd one... No they didn't live together - he was in the process of selling his house and they were going to move in together and then he became ill so instead the house sale went on his care and she's staying where she lived before. So according to your 'rules' they were just hanging out.

Also the OP didn't come on here asking for you to determine if how she labels her relationship is accurate in your eyes - but for specific advice.

See, I’d say people need to stop insisting there is only one correct way to live and that’s by their narrow rules.

Sorry, did I say ‘people’? I meant to say ‘you’.

Thanks everyone for sharing your perspectives. He’s unlikely to be looking for a nurse with a purse, he’s better off than I am. We do spend a lot of time together and have ‘overnight kits’ at each other’s houses. I guess I have been scared by my marriage where it was expected that I would cook, host and entertain while having a full time job and I am scared it would be the same with him. It’s much easier being by myself (my kids are at uni), not having to worry about cooking and pleasing on a daily basis. My ex was very manipulative, when I look back I can’t believe I let myself get into this situation. And I guess I may not spot the warning signs here either- as much as I am conscious of not measuring everyone with the same yardstick.
@FlockOfSausages , I am concerned that this might come between us because he has remarked on how much he lives spending time together at home (his or mine) when we are just simply being together, not necessarily doing things. I like that too but I can’t help being on a constant subconscious lookout for being taken advantage of. Not financially but from the point of view of falling into the cooking/cleaning/pleasing perspective

@Pavementworrier - he is my partner because I choose to call him that and he has proven by his actions on more than one occasion he’s in it for the good and the bad

It shouldn’t come between you and if it does that tells you all you need to know. He’s not entitled to have the commitment of living with you while he’s still married to someone else. There’s not really anything in it for you but extra domestic and emotional labour. This is why I won’t live with a man again, your concerns are valid.

Don't do it. Part of the reason you and your partner are working out could be that you don't live in each other's pockets.