Living separately - over 50s

[ThatRosePlayer]

I have been with my partner for over two years now. Both in our 50s. I’m divorced, he’s been separated for 20+ years, didyget divorced because of a joint business.
We have our own houses within 40 mins drive of each other. Yesterday he started hinting at moving in together.
but I am happy the way we are, I like my own space and do not miss the ‘domestic bliss’. I was very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to live together. I don’t want to lose him but living together is not what I want.

has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Women are happiest when they are not sharing their houses with men. He is still your partner. However you will definitely lose out if you move in.

Hear hear

My late dp & I had our own homes 25 miles apart, we lived together but apart, staying at each other's home depending on what we were doing. It worked for us because it meant we could each have our own space if we needed it, but we usually spent 3-5 nights a week together.

I will never live with a man again … I am never going to organise and think basic shit for a man again… If I ever date we would live near each other but not together. Maybe living closer is the answer so you can pop around more easily and still have your own space

If you’re worried he won’t pull his weight, could one of you move in with the other temporarily on a trial basis to see how it goes?
I also would encourage you to talk to him about your expectations of what living together might look like. Spell out for him that you’re only willing to do it if you’ll be domestic equals, which means sharing things like shopping, cooking, cleaning etc fairly.

The OP has only written two posts, @Snaffle76 - might you have the time to read them?

The OP has already provided information:

1. she has older children at university herself

2. her partner is more wealthy / better off financially

We don’t know from info provided from the OP so far whether her partner also has children / adult children - it night be irrelevant. Both parties are in their 50s.

No in your shoes I absolutely would not move in with a man or move a man in .
Still married myself,doing all the grunt work
But if I had my own home ,not having to cook or clean for anyone ,I wouldn't give that up for anything

OP I’m 54 and been with my partner 7 years. We had a similar arrangement. It’s not until this summer we have moved in together. Just keep it as it is until you are ready (if you ever are, you don’t have to be…I loved living on my own but it felt right to do this now)

Absolutely not, you don’t want to be his nurse and housekeeper.

yes, don’t live with a man legally married to someone else

I'm 62 and lost my DH last year. No way would I want to live with a man again. Like you, I don't want to fall into the domestic drudgery of doing all the cleaning/cooking/pleasing while he does the sitting around, controlling the remote etc. maybe it wouldn't be like that immediately, but it can shift to that gradually.

I'd especially not cohabit with a guy who is still married and financially entangled with someone else. Big. Fat. No.

OP I just have a massive siren going off in my head, because he's still bloody married!! Your views about living together are absolutely valid, but he has no business trying to combine households when he has that level of legal and financial complication. I'm not sure I'd even want to date him, unless divorce was actively under way.

I've been with my partner for nearly 7 years. We don't live together. I'm not sure if I want to, I like all decisions in my house being mine, and mine alone.

Remind him the step 1 is getting divorced and revisit in a year

I think, the older we get the more we enjoy the peace of our own company.

Living with someone can completely change a relationship. And I agree with the "rude" poster more than I'm comfortable admitting.

Agreed. I find it interesting people criticise OP for how she chooses to describe her private relationship - and a bit judgy

What a weird outlook!

So according to you, there's casual "knocking about" and there's full commitment, and nothing in between! No dating, falling and being in love, being in an exclusive relationship? Just knocking about or commitment?

I'm sorry, but that's a very strange way to look at the wide continuum of relationships!

That’s what I keep thinking because of my previous experience and general observations.

OP, to answer your question, I'm in my fifties and enjoying being single after a long marriage. I never want to marry or live with anyone again. I think the trend for LATs is great, especially as it doesn't complicate the estates of people who might have adult children they want to leave stuff to. (LATs - Living Apart Together.) It's a committed exclusive relationship where the parties don't live together.

While I'm happy being single now, I wouldn't be averse to a LAT relationship in time. But I worry that it wouldn't ultimately be enough for the man. We all know how badly men manage alone.

If you don't want to live with anyone, you need to stick to your guns. If he can't accept that you don't want a man in your space 24/7, maybe things have run their course.

Your peace is priceless. Guard it fiercely. Do NOT give in if you don't want to.

ETA: I skimmed over the detail that he's still married. Oh hell no. What a rubbish line about it being because of the business. Anyway, that's a whole other issue. Even if you wanted to live with him, which you don't, to do so when he's still legally married would be MADNESS.

I agree entirely with @bleakmidwintering.

Don't do it OP.

I'm happily married but I like it when DH goes away for a week. Can't imagine living with another man if I'm no longer with him.

He's going to have to get his business affairs sorted out at some point though.

I think Pavement Warrior is simply naïve in thinking that living together equates to being committed and living separately does not. Yes, it can be a very outwardly sign of commitment - just like a bunch of roses are used on Valentines to signal love. But do they really guarantee anything? No.
I lived together with my ex before getting married, then we got married, had our kids, built a life together. I regularly hosted his (lovely) family - think 25 people 4 times a year, gatherings of 10-14 another 4-5 times. All the while working full time time, doing all the cooking and going on holidays of his choice. And keeping in shape, regular nail & hair appointments etc. Only to find out he had cheated on me with prostitutes despite our sex life being very healthy. So yes, @Pavementworrier , I’d rather be blocked by a bloke I’m ‘shagging’ and shouldn’t call my partner according to you, than spend months extricating myself from a ‘committed’ relationship. Easier, cheaper, quicker.