Was I a fool?

[Missinghim24]

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

You must have realised his wife would be very hurt and upset. Look at your own feelings after a few weeks of messages and one opportunist shag. Imagine now years of marriage, companionship and building a home and a family which you tried to take from her and her children. Of course she is angry. How were you expecting her to react when she likely found out? There are numerous books, films, dramas, songs that cover the fallout and there must be people in your own life damaged by affairs.

Of course people are self absorbed! Who else would they be absorbed by ?

What I find fascinating is the way people talk about ‘how could you do it to his wife’ she doesn’t know his wife!! That’s not going to bother her, and she believed what he said that his wife was awful and would not be bothered if they split up. Which is insane!!!

The main thing is that he is a liar and lied about everything. That’s a hard lesson to learn and of course it hurts.

@3luckystars what I find fascinating is the idea (always presented on these threads) that we all go through life just thinking of ourselves and not about our actions and the affect on others. I think about my actions and how they might affect others even if I don’t know them and I am lucky to have a friendship and family group who feel the same. We don’t believe we owe consideration, empathy, compassion and kindness just to those we know.

It’s why many MANY women choose not to involve themselves with married men.

The basis of a civilised society is not harming others knowingly. We all could in many ways that are legal but we don’t generally as that’s what humanity is all about.

You seem angered by my post. Why is that?

Not all of us are self-absorbed, no.
I am far more interested in others and the world around me than I am in myself.

I don't think i said anything about 'how could you do it to his wife', but I know with absolute certainty that I could not do this to anyone's wife, whether I know them or not. It's a question of morals and integrity. Those who are willing to have affairs, on both sides, are distinctly lacking in either. I do not believe for one minute that OP thought it was true that the wife was awful, other than it suiting her internal narrative for it to be so. She is lying to herself as much as this man was.

But you found it necessary to sleep with her husband in private?

Do you understand the meaning of the word necessary?
It is necessary to breathe in oxygen otherwise you will die.

This woman did what she felt she needed to do to survive what you did to her.

Again, would you not have survived had you not slept with her husband in private? It is rhetorical question.

OP, it seems you expected that the wife should have held it all in and to endure the humiliation quietly. In the world of social media, revenge is only a few clicks away and a hard lesson to learn. I hope you have cut all contact with him permanently and leave it well alone. Don’t blame the wife for this mess. Enough damage has been done.

@3luckystars

If this is how you conduct your life no wonder humanity is in the bin.

”she didnt know the wife”

Are you serious. Wife means there was a marriage and it was current and ongoing. And there are children involved.

And OP @Missinghim24 is here navel gazing after ONE seedy shag - and you ms “of course people are self absorbed” condone it.

If you think OP’s behaviour is fine you are equally deluded.

They say how could you do that to his wife, because, lots of us learnt as kids back in the old days to think about other people to consider others.
Some people are better at it than others obviously, some just see a goal something they want and just go for it.They have a lack of conscience,.they can not see the bigger picture, how their action affects more lives than just theirs, the children who will be affected possibly their entire lives.I know about it from personal experience.
It is really sad all round, I do think this woman sounds quite niave, and just believed the selfish prick's lies.

So sorry if I came across as badly in my post, all I was trying to say is that this woman seems genuinely surprised and shocked that this man’s wife is annoyed about the affair.

Like totally taken aback that his wife, (who has given up a career and stayed at home with his children) would be put out by him having sex with another woman!

Like of course she wasn’t thinking of his wife, she fell for him hook line and sinker. She is so hurt she cannot see it from his wife’s side at all, but maybe one day she will when she is married herself.

I am also picking up that she thinks having children is easy peasy and ‘they are at school all day’ so she is absolutely not on the same frequency as me at all. The children are likely his wife’s very first priority.

No I do not condone hurting anyone. I was trying to say that we are posting in reply to someone who has absolutely no clue of the sacrifices people make to keep a family together and thinks that splitting up is simple, and that children is easy, so of course she wasn’t thinking of his wife.

So sorry if I came across that way.

Same as this. I just wouldn’t and couldn’t do it, whether I “knew” the wife or not. Primarily because the shame would choke me but also because any man with a partner who starts up with that claptrap makes my knees clamp shut. It’s an involuntary response to revolting men.

I believed him that she was no happier than he was. I can see that was naieve in hindsight.
I don't know really what I expected from her. I guess I thought that part of it all was between him and her, that their marriage was at an end anyway, that he would deal with that and then we'd be together.I was prepared to support him with the children, I knew he was worried about that but didn't really give much thought to how it would work in practice.
Reading all the replies and even what I've just written it seems silly to have thought that way. But it all seemed to happen quicker than I had time to think about it.

I’m sure she found out he didn’t tell her. He would have continued with you as long as he could get away with it or until another young woman came along he prefers to pursue. She’s told him to stop if she would leave. Probably threw him out rather than him move out and he spent that whole time begging her back and promising never to do it again. You can’t trust his explanation of anything.

also he’s upset his children haven’t learnt his language? You know that’s because he’s not talking to them in his language and spending time with them. Likely because when he’s not at work he’s having long conversations fooling younger women instead of parenting.

yes you were a fool but he was the one most a fault and he’s the one with the horrible motive. Learn from this and move on. If I’m a few weeks time he comes back to you saying he’s left her don’t believe him she’s likely given forgiving him a chance and found she can’t do it and ended things. If he wanted to be with you he would have left. This was just about sex and hurting his wife

@Missinghim24

Your posts are infuriating.

”You were prepared to support him with the children”?

WHAT?

Kids are not toys!

I’ve got to be honest op, I don’t think you are prime step mother material. You’ve given literally zero thought to how this will affect those children and how they would feel about you? It didn’t cross your mind that they wouldn’t like you. At all?

I really thought it was more about connection, we live in different countries so sex wasn't immediately on the agenda, but he said he missed our country and felt trapped with his family in the UK.
But obviously it wasn't, he's not tried to contact me at all since he went back to her, didn't help when she was coming after me and has avoided me at any work events. So I can't have meant much to him.

It didn't. I hasn't considered that they'd know

How old are you @Missinghim24

How would they NOT know? You messed around with their family of origin - all they have ever known.

How do you function in the real world?

Your thought processes are so ridiculous.

I’m wondering the same thing, have you any family where you are?

Obviously I knew they'd know that their parents had separated. But I assumed they wouldn't know the details. Honestly I didn't see that I was ending their marriage, but that their marriage was at an end anyway

I think you’ve just jumped the shark with your post about supporting the man with his children. I can’t believe this is true - you must just be bored after Christmas.

I'm 31. I'm not sure what my family has to do with it but yes I am very close with my family

I wanted to be with him. Is it so hard to believe I was ready to accept his children too?

OP, people on here are suspicious and jaded - with good reason. They have heard and seen it all before: the lies of a cheating married man are a tale as old as time. Many people responding have been the wife or the OW, and/or had close friends who were.

That said, nobody knows your cheating man, his history, his marriage, his intentions, or the working of his mind. They have that in common with you!

It’s not impossible that some things he said had a grain of truth. It’s possible that not everything he did was entirely calculated and manipulative. People lie to themselves, too.

But no matter what the real story, you’ll never know it, and the result is the same: needless pain on all sides.

So were you a fool? Probably no more or less than any trusting person. But do it twice and you’re definitely a fool!

No. But I am absolutely incredulous that, at 31, you’d given zero thought to whether his children were ready to accept you?